Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Shapiro: "Screw It, Let's Add Hookers & Blow"

Saying that in the 2006 season, Six Flags had "learned its lessons," Mark Shapiro announced today dramatic changes in store for the park chain in 2007.

"It turns out it's really hard to attract families, and once you get them there, they expect things like minimal feces on the floor, moderate safety for their children, and operational rides," said Shapiro in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "So screw 'em. Next year, 'hookers and blow' will be our mantra."

Shapiro elaborated, explaining his plans to add prostitution and drug dealing to every park. "For years, the management added huge coasters costing tens of millions of dollars to attract young teenage boys and twenty-year-olds to the parks. And the margins were terrible. But what else does that age group of males like? Hookers and blow! Hookers and blow!"

He confirmed that the common themed area "Crackaxle Canyon" will finally be renamed Crack Whore Canyon, as predicted years previously by ARN&R, and will feature actual crack whores.

In response to Shapiro's announcement, ACE scheduled events at every Six Flags park throughout the summer of 2007, featuring Exclusive Whore Time.