Enthusiast-Turned-Employee Surprised At Attitudes

Christopher Karning, a nineteen-year-old coaster enthusiast, thought he had the perfect job for the summer after his first year at Southern Connecticut Community College: He would work at Rye's Playland and become acquainted with other employees -- all of whom he assumed would be knowledgeable enthusiasts. "Yeah, y'know, I figured everyone there would be as thrilled as I am about being around the coasters and flat rides and the rest, and I could learn about the history, and maybe be taken under the wing of an old but wise grizzled veteran ride operator who would choose me to be the next lead on the Dragon Coaster."

Karning says he was sorely disappointed from the outset. "First off, they wouldn't let me wear my ACE lapel pin or attach any of my dozens of iron-on patches onto my Playland employee uniform. And then, when I yelled out, 'I love my dragon woodie!' when walking past the Dragon Coaster on my first day, everyone looked at me like I was some sort of weirdo."

And as for his hopes to be mentored by an older ride operator, Karning has even less good news: "The only person here who's been here for more than three years is Bob the Sweeper, who gets dropped off from his group home every day and will only take direction if sung to the tune of 'Old McDonald.' He seems willing to teach me about the heritage of sweeping up garbage, but that's not really what I'm looking for. And as for the younger employees -- forget it! All they care about is getting paid and sneaking behind the Tilt-a-Whirl to get stoned, and . . ." Karning's voice then trailed off in disappointment.

"Though there is that one group of girls who always want me to talk about how much I love woodies. But they don't seem to be taking me seriously."

Six Flags New Jersey Cited for Human Rights Violations

Amusement park industry insiders were startled this morning by news that Amnesty International, the international human rights watchdog organization, has cited Six Flags New Jersey for “heinous violations of acceptable conduct toward its peoples.”

Although famous for its far-reaching and often successful efforts to fight against the imprisonment of citizens for political or religious beliefs, as well as efforts to end inhumane punishments such as torture and the death penalty, the organization has never before mounted a campaign against an American amusement park.

Said Amnesty representative Enrique de Conejo, “typically we focus our letter-writing and protest campaigns against major countries. In this case, however, we simply could not ignore this amusement park. We will set an example with Six Flags in the hope that other parks will end their own human rights violations.

Notable in Amnesty’s list of “unthinkable atrocities” is the staggeringly painful, poorly maintained, and ungreased wood racing coaster Rolling Thunder, which de Conejo referred to as a “barbaric insult to the free peoples of the planet Earth.” The Arrow looper known as Great American Scream Machine is labeled “a cruel and brutal assault on the dignity of park visitors, who only wish to think and speak freely, and not be subjected to violent cranial trauma.” However, the top target for Amnesty International’s focused mailing campaign will likely be the Viper, an insidious “torture rack” designed by a team of psychopathic Japanese scientists. Said de Conejo, “it is amazing that, in these enlightened times, an allegedly ‘free’ nation would openly practice the torture and degradation of its innocent civilians.” De Conejo then winced as he and reporters heard the pitiful wails of unspeakable agony wafting over from the latest trainload of Viper riders.

Six Flags Great Adventure remained defiant. “Give us a break here,” said park rep Lucifer Stallings. “We’re about to add our fourth B&M, for crying out loud. And we took those migraine-inducing torture devices off Chiller. Our park is making progress, and the radical group Amnesty International is just trying to impose its Eurocentric views on something that's important to our culture!”

If Amnesty International’s campaign proves successful, reports indicate the group may add other potential targets, such as King’s Island for its construction of The Beast, Vortex, and Son of Beast, Dorney Park for refusing to remove Hercules, and Vekoma for what sources describe "an unending series of attempts to inflict intense pain."

--JCK

ACE Members, Flaunting Policy, Discuss Something Besides Coasters

Word has been leaked to ARN&R that two American Coaster Enthusiasts were witnessed discussing topics that had nothing to do with roller coasters during the Funtown Fling event this past season. Enthusiasts are advised by authorities to be careful approaching these individuals, as they are presumed to be dangerous.

“I had my guard down, and they just nailed me when I wasn’t prepared,” said Pennsylvania coaster enthusiast Dan Bjerkin, 34. “I was waiting in line for a ride, and these two guys were talking about something besides roller coasters, which really should have been a huge red flag. I ignored the warning signs, though. Next minute, one leans over and asks if I knew the Canes-Noles score. What the hell are Canes and Noles?”

Vermont enthusiast Sue Spackley, 47, was also disturbed by the two non-coaster-discussing ACE members. “I don’t know what these guys were thinking. Everyone knows the acceptable topics for ACErs to talk about or have any knowledge of whatsoever: track lubrication methods, what seats are best, what gauge of track companies use, what the latest innovations for S&S/Arrow will be, whining about restraints and park policies, and how often each week your mother yells at you to go get a job and move out of her basement. I eavesdropped on these morons, and, within the space of 15 minutes, they talked about how their careers were going, an issue of The Onion, the fall foliage, several team sports, some guy they went to school with and couldn’t stand, filming techniques of Hitchcock, and even the dire financial state of symphony orchestras in America. One of them even apparently has a wife, and the other guy asked how she was. Obviously, their priorities are way off. I’m sending a letter to the ACE Disciplinary Committee.”

Located by ARN&R, the two enthusiasts, identified as Pennsylvanian Richard Neywitz, 28,and North Carolinian Kirk James, 30, were defiant toward ACE and its members. Said Neywitz, “Well, we love riding coasters and we talk about them more than our families would like, but it’s not like coasters are the only thing on the planet worth discussing.” James then chimed in, saying, “We made time to bitch about how much Vekoma sucks, and we were talking about some sections of various CCI rides we really enjoyed, but then I think we wandered off into discussions about politics and the Pulitzer Prize literature nominees. There IS more to life than reading coaster web sites all day long, after all.”

Authorities are considering serving warrants on the “two supposed enthusiasts” after an incident of possible assault at Funtown. After meeting Neywitz and James, ACE Member Jason Padilla, 27, suffered what was believed to be a mild heart attack, one he claimed was caused directly by James attempting to inquire if Padilla had seen the new DVD releases of any Kurosawa films. The guilt of James and Neywitz is in doubt, as some medical experts are convinced that the apparent heart attack was actually a gas reflux reaction caused when Padilla digested two entire roasted turkeys and a half-gallon of gravy at the ACE picnic immediately prior to the unprovoked attempt at conversation.

Bucking the trend, at least one ACE member had nothing but positive thoughts about the two non-coaster-discussing enthusiasts. Said Connecticut’s Tim Jolly, 46, “One of those guys told this really filthy joke to the other about someone named ‘Dubya.’ I had never heard of any ‘Dubya’ before, but I assume he must be one of the new engineers working for Intamin or B&M. I thought it was cool they let me in on the inside scoop like that.”

--JCK

Breaking News: Coaster Track Seen

Coaster enthusiasts were rocked late last night by news of an exciting coaster track spotting in northern Florida. Alert American Coaster Enthusiast and Florida Coaster Club member Alton Thompson, 14-year-old described by his dermatologist as "a great challenge," noticed the new track while being driven by his mother to his weekly Dungeons and Dragons game with best friends Marshall Fine, 14, and Marty Warshaw, 13.

"We passed this big flatbed truck on I-10," gushed Thompson. "There was, like, all this blue coaster track on there. I think it was B&M, but it might've been Intamin. It was really wide gauge, though, so I bet it's a new 4th dimension ride that B&M hasn't advertised yet!"

Thompson, whom experts have identified as staggeringly unlikely to get laid before his 40th birthday, proceeded to post his illustrious and insightful opinions to numerous coaster sites, including CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, Screamscape, Coasterglobe, and even the long-dormant Thrillride. As there was not a single other coaster enthusiast aware of a giant new blue B&M or Intamin ride being erected in northern Florida, speculation ran rampant as to whether this ride would be merely an independently owned Jacksonville Beach concession, or perhaps was a sign that the long-awaited opening of Six Flags Live Oak might be nigh.

When located by ARN&R staff for an exclusive interview this morning, the driver of the flatbed sighted by Thompson proved surprisingly ready to speak about his cargo of brand-new coaster track sections. Said Billy-Ray Helms, 45, "What the hell are you talking about? I'm carting a load of new sewer piping to the Wal-Mart opening north of Jacksonville. Now get out of my way before I run you over. Moron."

--JCK

Proposal: Strong Federal Regulation of Amusement Park Shows

In a last-minute push for votes, Congressional candidate Robert Urlacher (R-OK) made a bold proposal today, urging the creation of a new federal agency to heavily regulate the dozens or hundreds of musical, magic, and other shows at amusement parks nationwide.

"The time has come to say 'Enough' to mediocre high school student actors performing scenes from The Music Man to a poorly-recorded soundtrack. It is really, really, really time to say 'Enough' to stunt shows with acting worthy only of second-grade plays. And we must stop the movie tie-ins that make Keanu Reeves look like freakin' Richard Harris. I propose a new agency to preview all proposed shows with full power to veto their production and, if necessary, jail or execute the participants."

Urlacher's opponent, Janet Franklin, seeking to avoid looking soft on bad shows, said she'd go further: "We should summarily execute all people who have been in, or attended, one of these shows."

Intamin Sales Rep Makes Fun of B&M

Robert "Bobby Man" Linnell, new salesman for Intamin, says he's figured out a great way to get parks to buy Intamin rides rather than those manufactured by renowned firm Bollinger & Mabillard.

"I tell them, 'Look, just take out the ampersand in their abbreviation and you'll know what kind of coasters they make.' You know, 'cause then you've got 'BM,' know what I mean?" said Linnell, nudging ARN&R's reporter repeatedly. After observing the responsive puzzled look, Linnell sighed, "BM -- bowel movement. Like poop? Ringing a bell here?" After shaking his head, Linnell mutterred, "Stupid media don't know a great sales line when they hear it."

Linnell, who came to the amusement industry from a three-year career selling siding door-to-door, has previously referred to Arrow Dynamics' coasters as "pointing nowhere but down" and called S&S Power "Stupid & Stupider."

Premier Parks to Premier Convict Cove

Murderers. Rapists. Thieves. Engineers. Imagineers. For many prison inmates, designing amusement park attractions and thrill rides is the only taste of freedom they'll ever get. Although inmates are not able to attend "Convict Cove," a new Theme Park solely created by convicts from penitentiaries located all across the US, Premier Parks sees ride design and engineering as a new form of redemption for the common criminal.

In a comment involving the redemptive power of amusement park ride design, deputy warden David DiGuglielmo of SCI Graterford, a maximum-security state prison in Pennsylvania, believes that "Not giving inmates things to do is dangerous. They need outlets. They need ways to occupy their time. Some of the inmates -- before they got into ride design engineering -- were difficult people."

Inmates awarded good records can design together as long as they produce an upcharge attraction every three months. Holding on to a top notch staff of designers can be a problem. Adding to the pressure of the attraction itself, a design team can lose its privileges if the attraction is poorly attended. "It's hard to keep a quality design team together in here -- you have people going home all the time, you have people getting in trouble and getting put in solitary... you have to keep those spots filled if you want to keep your planned opening date."

This can be a problem, adds inversion coaster designer Troy (25 years for armed robbery), because, "It ain't like the street, where you can put a flyer out or a newspaper ad. We can look right around and we know who's here, and we're stuck with them."

As each attraction's debut date approaches, the design team must conduct its own publicity, prototype their attraction extensively, and finish all their regularly scheduled individual chores right up to the frantic last minutes before the attraction's premier -- where a rough, rowdy crowd of families, screaming babies, and destructive teenagers await.

Owners of traditional design firms are furious. "Steal my job they did," said famed B&M designer Walter Bollinger, speaking, oddly, in a Yoda tone of voice, perhaps reflecting an inability to write a Swiss accent. "Design coasters they know not how." After his ARN&R interview, Bollinger flew to the United States and robbed a Pennsylvania bank, hoping to become part of the SCI Grateford team. "They're doing great work in flying coasters," said Bollinger at sentencing.

--RAS

Inside Track to Return "Better Than Ever, Real Soon Now," Says Wyatt

Mark Wyatt, beloved founder of Inside Track magazine, held a triumphant news conference yesterday among throngs of admirers, announcing that the magazine will return "real soon now."

IT, according to Wyatt, went into a rebuilding phase several years ago. "The subscriptions were never lost, and everyone who sent in money -- and thanks to everyone who kept sending me money, by the way! -- will get their issues. We didn't stop publishing. We just...slowed it down. A lot."

The wait will be worth it, according to Wyatt, who was occasionally hard to hear over the cheers of coaster enthusiasts. "It's going to be so much better than before. We'll have pictures and articles and editorials and I'm hoping that my moustache and I will be on TV again. Hello, Discovery Channel! So everyone out there, just go ahead and send me your subscription payments now and you'll get the next issue in a matter of days. Or weeks. Maybe several weeks. You can't rush quality."

Rumors indicate that the first issue after the rebuilding phase will feature a cover story about an up-and-coming coaster firm called "Bolliger and Mabillard" and a preview of a brand-new exciting company called "Custom Coasters Inc." It also will provide exclusive stories that Wyatt says will "blow the doors off the industry" -- about a supposed (if improbable) claim that Premier Parks will take over all of the Six Flags parks, go on a buying spree, and spend hundreds of millions of dollars on new rides.

"Dracula" at FrightFest Getting Way Fewer Girls Than Expected

When Tony Murray saw the ad in the newspaper for Six Flags Magic Mountain's hiring of actors for its "FrightFest" attraction, he was immediately attracted to the Dracula role. Having recently seen The Lost Boys, Interview With a Vampire, and various other vampire movies, he knew one thing was true of all vampires: They get girls.

"I figured I'd leer menacingly at the girls and they'd just fall apart, and I'd be going home -- in costume, of course -- with a different girl every night," says eighteen-year-old Murray, a recent high school graduate. "But the best that happens is they scream and giggle and then keep walking through the haunted house. None of them leave their phone numbers or even seem to know that I'm not animatronic."

Also reportedly disappointed were actors playing Dr. Frankenstein and Hannibal Lecter. Oddly, the actor playing Casper the Friendly Ghost reports that he has "been scoring every night!"

Disney To Rid Haunted Mansion of Ghosts, Evil Spirits

Disneyland announced yesterday that it would be hiring an exorcist to rid one of its most popular attractions of reported ghosts and evil spirits. "These things have been popping up and frightening park guests," claims Disney spokesperson Casper Royson. "Witnesses claim these otherworldly beings inhabit virtually every room of the ride. This may not have been such a big problem if there were only one or two of these creatures, however, our investigators have turned up literally hundreds!"

Several park guests have left the ride shaking in fear. "Yeah, there's a whole bunch of ghosts in there," stated 14 year old Mike MacDonald. "One ghost even hitched a ride in our doom buggy!"

"This has been going on for years, right under our noses," points out Royson. "We plan to clean the attraction for the park's 50th anniversary." A search is under way to obtain just the right exorcist to perform the job.

Higher ranking Disney officials also plan to look into the attraction which appears in its sister parks. "We simply cannot have the spirits of the dead scaring unwary visitors. The Mansion is supposed to be a fun, family oriented attraction. Not a haven for spooky miscreants."

-RAS