Great Escape To Become Six Flags Northeastern New York
Great Escape park announced today its plans to upgrade its facilities in expectation of becoming a Six Flags park. Although owned for the past several years by Six Flags, the park has generally been thought not to have the necessary rides, size, or infrastructure to be branded a full Six Flags venue. All that will change next season when Great Escape morphs into Six Flags Northeastern New York.
Says Six Flags President Gary Story, “We’re delighted to announce Six Flags Northeastern New York. Every year, we’ve told the Great Escape that, in order to be branded as a full property, they have to make changes in order to be truly deserving of the coveted and respected Six Flags corporate name. This past season, we did note some progress along these lines. For instance, Great Escape has long been a haven for those who wish to avoid long lines. Well, this season, the place was just packed to the gills on most operating days, with lines stretching for up to a mile. Also, the park made sure to get the positive attention of Six Flags Corporate by running single trains on every single coaster, despite the massive lines this caused. Theme Park Mentality and large crowds of hot, irritated visitors are qualities we look for when labeling a park ‘Six Flags.’”
Story went on to note, “sadly, Great Escape wasn’t ready for the conversion yet in 2002, despite those capacity issues. For instance, they offer free parking. What the hell? Their bathrooms are generally tidy, the paths aren’t covered with human waste, there are lots of pleasant shady places to escape the hot sun, park staff are usually competent and pleasant, and there are cute little Storybook sections that don’t demand any extra fee. We told the park, flat out, that all this nonsense has to change.”
Great Escape manager Tom Spikowsky stated in his press release that “Great Escape was working hard to address all the parent company’s concerns,” and that he prayed daily that “his park could reach the lofty heights of such amusement destinations as Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, Six Flags America, and Six Flags Fiesta Texas.”
Spikowsky elaborated with the following comments: “We plan to soil each bathroom with unspeakable filth each morning, even dedicating a special work force of our special foreign staff to the task, and then refuse to do any cleaning all day. We will charge 15 dollars for parking, and an extra 4 dollars for the pavement. Stores will no longer offer affordable souvenirs and shirts, but will instead sell generic, overpriced crap smeared with Warner Brothers characters. We will now require all ride operators to not only ratchet passengers as tightly in their seats as possible, but also to savagely knee each of them in the groin as they enter the station. All trees will be burned to the ground, and children will pay a 40-dollar upcharge to pet the goat.”
New themes will also be evident at SFNNY. ARN&R has learned that Boomerang Coast to Coaster will be renamed Flashback, Alpine Bobsled will be renamed Penguin’s Blizzard River, and Steamin’ Demon will become Batman Ultimate Knight Escape. The extensive new theming will consist of freshly painted signs with the new ride names on them. The legendary Comet wood coaster will maintain its name, but will receive typical Six Flags improvements such as trim brakes, over the shoulder restraints, and anal probes.
The final mission of SFNNY is to alter its clientele to better reflect the sort of crowd Six Flags patrons are accustomed to experiencing. Says Spikowsky, “we plan to offer inexpensive switchblades, broken bottles, and bricks to customers at the entrance. Our Bugs Bunny and Foghorn Leghorn mascots will be paid bonuses to catcall and harass women inside the Arno’s Small World kiddie area. Finally, Nightmare at Crackaxle Canyon will be renamed Nightmare at Crack Whore Canyon.”
--JCK
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Monday, January 20, 2003
National Tragedy Strikes as Enthusiasts "Dance"
In a national horror the likes of which has not been seen since the release of "Y-M-C-A" into the hands of stadium P.A. staff, the increasing popularity of the arcade and home game known as "Dance Dance Revolution" (or "DDR") has brought the nation to a standstill as right-thinking people everywhere stare in shock at the rhythmless, writhing pale bodies of coaster enthusiasts jerking randomly to blaring techno music.
"It was a travesty," said Cyndi Hengst, a hotel manager in Houston, Texas, speaking through sobs, who witnessed DDR at a winter enthusiast event at Six Flags Astroworld. "I've seen things you can't unsee. I just wanted to ride the Cyclone. But this was a terror...the bodies, the movement, the jiggling..." Hengst broke down in tears.
The disaster apparently began at CoasterBuzz, where dozens of pallid participants, panting at the first hint of physical exertion and reduced to exhaustion within minutes of beginning a DDR session, discussed their enjoyment of DDR, even posting pictures so terrifying we won't post images of them here. (Parents, please use your discretion in permitting your children to visit this site, and please note that ARN&R takes no responsibility if the images on the site violate any laws or regulations in your jurisdiction.)
Most disturbingly, ARN&R has learned that the plague of DDR machines will continue to spread at amusement parks nationwide, with enthusiasts developing dancing "skills" that they will never, ever, ever actually have occasion to use in the sense of actually dancing with another human being. Indeed, the trend is likely to increase the civilization-ending trend of naked dancing in front of the mirror to blaring renditions of "Rollercoaster of Love." Experts say DDR is likely to result in unspeakable nightmares for ordinary citizens standing in line for Raptor at Cedar Point, as enthusiasts get down with their bad selves, dancing to the in-line music.
In related news, amusement parks report a fifty percent increase in applications from sixteen-year-olds who want to design coasters, citing their extensive experience playing Rollercoaster Tycoon.
In a national horror the likes of which has not been seen since the release of "Y-M-C-A" into the hands of stadium P.A. staff, the increasing popularity of the arcade and home game known as "Dance Dance Revolution" (or "DDR") has brought the nation to a standstill as right-thinking people everywhere stare in shock at the rhythmless, writhing pale bodies of coaster enthusiasts jerking randomly to blaring techno music.
"It was a travesty," said Cyndi Hengst, a hotel manager in Houston, Texas, speaking through sobs, who witnessed DDR at a winter enthusiast event at Six Flags Astroworld. "I've seen things you can't unsee. I just wanted to ride the Cyclone. But this was a terror...the bodies, the movement, the jiggling..." Hengst broke down in tears.
The disaster apparently began at CoasterBuzz, where dozens of pallid participants, panting at the first hint of physical exertion and reduced to exhaustion within minutes of beginning a DDR session, discussed their enjoyment of DDR, even posting pictures so terrifying we won't post images of them here. (Parents, please use your discretion in permitting your children to visit this site, and please note that ARN&R takes no responsibility if the images on the site violate any laws or regulations in your jurisdiction.)
Most disturbingly, ARN&R has learned that the plague of DDR machines will continue to spread at amusement parks nationwide, with enthusiasts developing dancing "skills" that they will never, ever, ever actually have occasion to use in the sense of actually dancing with another human being. Indeed, the trend is likely to increase the civilization-ending trend of naked dancing in front of the mirror to blaring renditions of "Rollercoaster of Love." Experts say DDR is likely to result in unspeakable nightmares for ordinary citizens standing in line for Raptor at Cedar Point, as enthusiasts get down with their bad selves, dancing to the in-line music.
In related news, amusement parks report a fifty percent increase in applications from sixteen-year-olds who want to design coasters, citing their extensive experience playing Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Welcome to People Searching for Unrelated Materials!
We enjoy our stats logs, perhaps more than we should. The best searches that have evidently resulted in someone finding ARN&R:
Lobotomies and pictures of them being performed (twice -- twice -- this has brought someone here)
Naked pictures of Jessica Alba (clean up your keyboards, boys)
Ozzfest rumors 2003 (we hear Tori Amos will headline)
And now we're hoping we'll get even more hits from these searches! And while we're at it: Get rich quick! Free money! Authentic pictures of Matt Damon and George Peppard naked with hockey hair! (You'd be surprised how many people are looking for those pictures.) Hot pictures of Jennifer Aniston carrying a basket of napkins!
We enjoy our stats logs, perhaps more than we should. The best searches that have evidently resulted in someone finding ARN&R:
Lobotomies and pictures of them being performed (twice -- twice -- this has brought someone here)
Naked pictures of Jessica Alba (clean up your keyboards, boys)
Ozzfest rumors 2003 (we hear Tori Amos will headline)
And now we're hoping we'll get even more hits from these searches! And while we're at it: Get rich quick! Free money! Authentic pictures of Matt Damon and George Peppard naked with hockey hair! (You'd be surprised how many people are looking for those pictures.) Hot pictures of Jennifer Aniston carrying a basket of napkins!
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Discovery Network Announces "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles"
Adding to the Discovery Network's extensive series of shows about amusement parks, network management announced the channel's next special: "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles."
Featuring an in-depth look at the wide world of turnstiles, the program -- spanning three hours over as many days -- will open with a 45-minute history of turnstiles, followed by what the program's director, Michael Cimino, describes as "the fastest, wildest, most incredible look at turnstiles in the history of shows about turnstiles." The highlight of the show, according to Cimino, is a seven-minute uninterrupted tracking shot in which viewers are taken on a point-of-view trip through every one of Cedar Point's entrance turnstiles. "It's just like Touch of Evil!" exclaimed Cimino.
Members of the American Turnstile Enthusiasts appear throughout the program; most insist that Cedar Point's turnstiles are clearly the best in the world, while a small but vocal minority prefer the "classic" turnstiles at Denver's Lakeside Park.
At press time, pre-orders of the DVD were the third-highest-selling program on Amazon.com's travel section. The program will air on three days, yet to be announced, during the competitive February sweeps.
Adding to the Discovery Network's extensive series of shows about amusement parks, network management announced the channel's next special: "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles."
Featuring an in-depth look at the wide world of turnstiles, the program -- spanning three hours over as many days -- will open with a 45-minute history of turnstiles, followed by what the program's director, Michael Cimino, describes as "the fastest, wildest, most incredible look at turnstiles in the history of shows about turnstiles." The highlight of the show, according to Cimino, is a seven-minute uninterrupted tracking shot in which viewers are taken on a point-of-view trip through every one of Cedar Point's entrance turnstiles. "It's just like Touch of Evil!" exclaimed Cimino.
Members of the American Turnstile Enthusiasts appear throughout the program; most insist that Cedar Point's turnstiles are clearly the best in the world, while a small but vocal minority prefer the "classic" turnstiles at Denver's Lakeside Park.
At press time, pre-orders of the DVD were the third-highest-selling program on Amazon.com's travel section. The program will air on three days, yet to be announced, during the competitive February sweeps.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Six Flags Marine World to Also Get Astrodome, Parking Lot, Three Astros to be Named Later
In surprising news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced that Six Flags Marine World, outside San Francisco, would not just be getting the Schwarzkopf classic Zonga (nee Texas Tornado, nee Taz's Texas Tornado, nee Thriller) from Six Flags Astroworld in Houston, Texas. It'll also get the nearly-abandoned Astrodome, the enormous parking lot surrounding the stadium, and three members of the Astros Major League baseball team to be named later.
"We were busy taking the coaster apart when we looked across the interstate and saw the Astrodome, just sitting there all lonely," said Bob Warner, head of the crew tasked with moving the coaster. "It was hosting a monster truck rally or something, which just seemed wrong. So we figured we'd throw that into the deal, too; it'll be much happier in California. And once we pulled up the stadium, the parking lot just seemed like a natural addition, 'cause Marine World will want somewhere to put all the people the Astrodome will attract."
The domed stadium -- the first of its kind -- is expected to be placed immediately inside the park's entrance and will serve as the photo keepsake sales booth.
As for how professional baseball players became part of the deal, details are sketchy, but rumors suggest that it is related to a controversial players-for-Dippin'-Dots-Ice-Cream-of-the-Future trade. Speculation has focused on right-fielder Lance Berkman, shortstop Julio Lugo, and possibly a utility infielder from the Astros' minor league organization as likely candidates to be sent to California, where they are expected to be assigned to maintenance or season ticket sales.
In surprising news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced that Six Flags Marine World, outside San Francisco, would not just be getting the Schwarzkopf classic Zonga (nee Texas Tornado, nee Taz's Texas Tornado, nee Thriller) from Six Flags Astroworld in Houston, Texas. It'll also get the nearly-abandoned Astrodome, the enormous parking lot surrounding the stadium, and three members of the Astros Major League baseball team to be named later.
"We were busy taking the coaster apart when we looked across the interstate and saw the Astrodome, just sitting there all lonely," said Bob Warner, head of the crew tasked with moving the coaster. "It was hosting a monster truck rally or something, which just seemed wrong. So we figured we'd throw that into the deal, too; it'll be much happier in California. And once we pulled up the stadium, the parking lot just seemed like a natural addition, 'cause Marine World will want somewhere to put all the people the Astrodome will attract."
The domed stadium -- the first of its kind -- is expected to be placed immediately inside the park's entrance and will serve as the photo keepsake sales booth.
As for how professional baseball players became part of the deal, details are sketchy, but rumors suggest that it is related to a controversial players-for-Dippin'-Dots-Ice-Cream-of-the-Future trade. Speculation has focused on right-fielder Lance Berkman, shortstop Julio Lugo, and possibly a utility infielder from the Astros' minor league organization as likely candidates to be sent to California, where they are expected to be assigned to maintenance or season ticket sales.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Thrillnetwork.com Still Online, Shocking Enthusiasts at or Above a Fourth-Grade Reading Level
In news that surprised coherent enthusiasts throughout the world, Thrillnetwork.com is still online, and seemingly continues operations, evidently believing itself to be relevant.
"Seriously? That site's still up? That's incredible," said Detroit-area college-educated enthusiast Mike Herrington. "You're kidding, right?"
After closing twelve popup ads and reloading three times to resolve ASP scripting errors, ARN&R can confirm, in an exclusive investigative report, that the site is indeed up, despite widespread disbelief among enthusiasts capable of carrying on a conversation about any book without the word "thrill" in its title. The front page offers links to articles available only at thirty or more other coaster-oriented sites, along with the siren call of a link: "Click here for a PHP script to make this do something!" Additionally, the site's forums continue to operate with upwards of thirty people active at any given time, at least one of whom is capable of forming a complete sentence.
There may, indeed, be even more available on the site, but even the most intrepid investigative reporter couldn't say for sure, given the site's labrynthine navigation. The search engine has been "taken offline for tweaking," rendering further investigation difficult.
Reached for comment, the site's management declared: "We is the site for the rest of us, them who can't really write or talk so good."
In news that surprised coherent enthusiasts throughout the world, Thrillnetwork.com is still online, and seemingly continues operations, evidently believing itself to be relevant.
"Seriously? That site's still up? That's incredible," said Detroit-area college-educated enthusiast Mike Herrington. "You're kidding, right?"
After closing twelve popup ads and reloading three times to resolve ASP scripting errors, ARN&R can confirm, in an exclusive investigative report, that the site is indeed up, despite widespread disbelief among enthusiasts capable of carrying on a conversation about any book without the word "thrill" in its title. The front page offers links to articles available only at thirty or more other coaster-oriented sites, along with the siren call of a link: "Click here for a PHP script to make this do something!" Additionally, the site's forums continue to operate with upwards of thirty people active at any given time, at least one of whom is capable of forming a complete sentence.
There may, indeed, be even more available on the site, but even the most intrepid investigative reporter couldn't say for sure, given the site's labrynthine navigation. The search engine has been "taken offline for tweaking," rendering further investigation difficult.
Reached for comment, the site's management declared: "We is the site for the rest of us, them who can't really write or talk so good."
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Pinpoint Park Announces Non–Thrill Ride
Sandrusty, PA – Pinpoint Park, just outside Pittsburgh, announced today that the park would be unveiling a non-thrill ride called: No Thrills Dasher. The non–thrill ride will take riders to a soaring 12 feet into the air. Termed the world's first "starter coaster," No Thrills Dasher will amaze guests with its 0 to 8 mph in-less-than-a-second launch speed.
At a cost of $2.50 U.S. dollars, No Thrills Dasher will be the cheapest attraction in the park. No Thrills Dasher promises to be the absolute slowest and most boring attraction since 1914 when Pinpoint Park added the Non-Rotating Carousel to its repartee. In 1998 Pinpoint Park announced the opening of the worlds first ‘ride-till-you-die' attraction: "Gravy Boat." Sad to say, due to the high maintenance cost of keeping the gravy free from bacterial contamination, the attraction never opened.
Darts Inc, the makers of such unknown rides as: Ride This & Weep; You Spin Me ‘Round; and Vouge, created this once in a lifetime snooze of an attraction. "You will yawn the whole time," stated Pinpoint Park CEO Brad Fisherman. "There is no way you'll return home and not mention just how bad this attraction is. No Thrills Dasher will become world renowned!"
Enthusiasts all around the globe have been hitting up the not legally licenced, fan based website: guidetothepinpoint.com where visitors can view true to life, 3-dimensional, without-the-glasses, holographic representations of the ride. [Due to such extreme heavy traffic, guidetothepinpoint.com may be experiencing technical difficulties - Ed.]
"I've ridden No Thrills Dasher 175 times in a row!!" exclaims teen enthusiast Rorey Benderfinder, "The site is totally, bogusly, awesome!" No plans have been announced for Rorey to actually visit Pinpoint Park in the future, "but, I would visit their website a heck of a lot more often if they keep offering non-thrill rides such as this."
The actual No Thrills Dasher may or may not open this May.
–RAS
Sandrusty, PA – Pinpoint Park, just outside Pittsburgh, announced today that the park would be unveiling a non-thrill ride called: No Thrills Dasher. The non–thrill ride will take riders to a soaring 12 feet into the air. Termed the world's first "starter coaster," No Thrills Dasher will amaze guests with its 0 to 8 mph in-less-than-a-second launch speed.
At a cost of $2.50 U.S. dollars, No Thrills Dasher will be the cheapest attraction in the park. No Thrills Dasher promises to be the absolute slowest and most boring attraction since 1914 when Pinpoint Park added the Non-Rotating Carousel to its repartee. In 1998 Pinpoint Park announced the opening of the worlds first ‘ride-till-you-die' attraction: "Gravy Boat." Sad to say, due to the high maintenance cost of keeping the gravy free from bacterial contamination, the attraction never opened.
Darts Inc, the makers of such unknown rides as: Ride This & Weep; You Spin Me ‘Round; and Vouge, created this once in a lifetime snooze of an attraction. "You will yawn the whole time," stated Pinpoint Park CEO Brad Fisherman. "There is no way you'll return home and not mention just how bad this attraction is. No Thrills Dasher will become world renowned!"
Enthusiasts all around the globe have been hitting up the not legally licenced, fan based website: guidetothepinpoint.com where visitors can view true to life, 3-dimensional, without-the-glasses, holographic representations of the ride. [Due to such extreme heavy traffic, guidetothepinpoint.com may be experiencing technical difficulties - Ed.]
"I've ridden No Thrills Dasher 175 times in a row!!" exclaims teen enthusiast Rorey Benderfinder, "The site is totally, bogusly, awesome!" No plans have been announced for Rorey to actually visit Pinpoint Park in the future, "but, I would visit their website a heck of a lot more often if they keep offering non-thrill rides such as this."
The actual No Thrills Dasher may or may not open this May.
–RAS
Monday, January 13, 2003
New Law: All Amusement Park Rides Must Be Xtreme
As the United States Congress reconvenes, many issues loom which will be of great importance to the country, including such problems as the economy and possible war with Iraq. None has a greater impact on the future of the planet than amusement parks, however, which is why the Senate has given highest priority this week to create a resolution banning each and every US amusement ride that is not Xtreme.
Said Orrin Hatch (R-UT), "In order to reflect the Xtreme power and fortitude of this proud country, the Senate will put into effect new regulations banning any new non-Xtreme rides, and will order the demolition of all current rides that are not Xtreme. Parks will be given one month to make existing rides conform to Xtremeness standards." Hatch then bungi-jumped naked from the Capitol rotunda with a can of Mountain Dew, most of which spattered on the head of a visibly miffed John McCain (R-AZ).
"Yeah, this is gonna be some totally kick-ass Xtreme law!" yelled Arlen Specter (R-PA), prior to giving the "secret devil sign metal" sign with his hands and turning to share a savage NBA-style chest bump with deposed majority leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Earlier in the day, Lott had caused a commotion by showing up for work in blackface and demanding the repeal of the Voting Rights Act.
"It was only a matter of time before this law was passed," stated Tom Daschle (D-SD). "Other sectors of the economy have already adjusted successfully to their new-found Xtremitude. Movies now have to be Xtreme, like XXX or Extreme Ops, though we would prefer that movie to have dropped the troublesome 'e' from the title. Every toy now manufactured must be Xtreme. Ohio's Hiram College offers an Extreme Education. The food industry is also finally complying...for instance, at Burger King you can get an Xtreme chicken sandwich, which is Xtreme because it has lettuce. Or you can be Xtreme by drinking Dew, just like those inspiring submorons who skateboard off cliffs behind powerboats. Then there's the Xtreme quesadilla at Taco Bell, which is extreme because it has 2 kinds of processed cheese food product."
Daschle added that "things also tend to get pretty Xtreme for me in the bathroom after I eat an Xtreme Taco Bell quesadilla!"
Some parks have complained about the regulations. Says spokesman David Whiteside of Six Flags Magic Mountain, "we are very upset by his rule. We had a totally, completely, and stunningly unique idea to name a coaster 'X'. No one has ever named a ride anything remotely like that before. We anticipate tremendous loss of income due to people thinking other rides are more Xtreme than ours, which is not the case. We will vehemently protest this decision."
Knott's Berry Farm (Xcelerator), Six Flags Worlds of Adventure (X-Flight), and other parks also are protesting that their highly unique, non-trendy, and creative coaster names are being rendered non-cutting edge, perhaps even non-extreme, by the ruling.
Smaller parks also worry over the changes they may need to enact. Says Paul Fletcher of Kennywood, "I guess if we gave the rats some inline skates and some Jackass videos, we could just change Exterminator to XXXterminator and be okay. However, I don't know if we have the money to turn Jack Rabbit into Death Rabbit Xtreme Hell Challenge or whatever. Maybe we'll just rename the coasters X-Racer, Xtreme Jack, XT-Bolt, and Phantom's Skysurfing Revenge and see if the government will be content with that."
--JCK
As the United States Congress reconvenes, many issues loom which will be of great importance to the country, including such problems as the economy and possible war with Iraq. None has a greater impact on the future of the planet than amusement parks, however, which is why the Senate has given highest priority this week to create a resolution banning each and every US amusement ride that is not Xtreme.
Said Orrin Hatch (R-UT), "In order to reflect the Xtreme power and fortitude of this proud country, the Senate will put into effect new regulations banning any new non-Xtreme rides, and will order the demolition of all current rides that are not Xtreme. Parks will be given one month to make existing rides conform to Xtremeness standards." Hatch then bungi-jumped naked from the Capitol rotunda with a can of Mountain Dew, most of which spattered on the head of a visibly miffed John McCain (R-AZ).
"Yeah, this is gonna be some totally kick-ass Xtreme law!" yelled Arlen Specter (R-PA), prior to giving the "secret devil sign metal" sign with his hands and turning to share a savage NBA-style chest bump with deposed majority leader Trent Lott (R-MS). Earlier in the day, Lott had caused a commotion by showing up for work in blackface and demanding the repeal of the Voting Rights Act.
"It was only a matter of time before this law was passed," stated Tom Daschle (D-SD). "Other sectors of the economy have already adjusted successfully to their new-found Xtremitude. Movies now have to be Xtreme, like XXX or Extreme Ops, though we would prefer that movie to have dropped the troublesome 'e' from the title. Every toy now manufactured must be Xtreme. Ohio's Hiram College offers an Extreme Education. The food industry is also finally complying...for instance, at Burger King you can get an Xtreme chicken sandwich, which is Xtreme because it has lettuce. Or you can be Xtreme by drinking Dew, just like those inspiring submorons who skateboard off cliffs behind powerboats. Then there's the Xtreme quesadilla at Taco Bell, which is extreme because it has 2 kinds of processed cheese food product."
Daschle added that "things also tend to get pretty Xtreme for me in the bathroom after I eat an Xtreme Taco Bell quesadilla!"
Some parks have complained about the regulations. Says spokesman David Whiteside of Six Flags Magic Mountain, "we are very upset by his rule. We had a totally, completely, and stunningly unique idea to name a coaster 'X'. No one has ever named a ride anything remotely like that before. We anticipate tremendous loss of income due to people thinking other rides are more Xtreme than ours, which is not the case. We will vehemently protest this decision."
Knott's Berry Farm (Xcelerator), Six Flags Worlds of Adventure (X-Flight), and other parks also are protesting that their highly unique, non-trendy, and creative coaster names are being rendered non-cutting edge, perhaps even non-extreme, by the ruling.
Smaller parks also worry over the changes they may need to enact. Says Paul Fletcher of Kennywood, "I guess if we gave the rats some inline skates and some Jackass videos, we could just change Exterminator to XXXterminator and be okay. However, I don't know if we have the money to turn Jack Rabbit into Death Rabbit Xtreme Hell Challenge or whatever. Maybe we'll just rename the coasters X-Racer, Xtreme Jack, XT-Bolt, and Phantom's Skysurfing Revenge and see if the government will be content with that."
--JCK
Friday, January 10, 2003
Neurologists, Chiropractors Seek Arrow Comeback
In an unusual pairing, trade organizations representing neurologists and chiropractors have joined forces to urge the building of more old-style Arrow Dynamics looping coasters, in particular focusing on their goal of returning Drachen Fire, formerly of Busch Gardens Williamsburg, to service.
"Any time one of those puppies opened, the brain injuries and back pains would just shoot upwards," said spokesman Mark Quaker. "They're great for business. Ever since those damn Swiss guys [Bolliger & Mabillard] have started to build coasters, the amusement park towns have really lost their growth potential. The docs near Busch Gardens have had to sell yachts because of the drop in business." Quaker added that the group would encourage not just the reopening of Drachen Fire, but also a move back towards building more of the classic style Arrow loopers, with transitions designed by chimpanzees and over-the-shoulder restraints made of pure steel with a thin coating of titanium "for comfort."
Stan Checketts, whose S&S Power now owns Arrow Dynamics' assets, was reached for comment by ARN&R. "We're gonna make things taller! And faster! Boom! Boom! Shoot you a thousand feet in the air! Fly fast! Fast! Fast! Fast good! Boom! Boom!"
In an unusual pairing, trade organizations representing neurologists and chiropractors have joined forces to urge the building of more old-style Arrow Dynamics looping coasters, in particular focusing on their goal of returning Drachen Fire, formerly of Busch Gardens Williamsburg, to service.
"Any time one of those puppies opened, the brain injuries and back pains would just shoot upwards," said spokesman Mark Quaker. "They're great for business. Ever since those damn Swiss guys [Bolliger & Mabillard] have started to build coasters, the amusement park towns have really lost their growth potential. The docs near Busch Gardens have had to sell yachts because of the drop in business." Quaker added that the group would encourage not just the reopening of Drachen Fire, but also a move back towards building more of the classic style Arrow loopers, with transitions designed by chimpanzees and over-the-shoulder restraints made of pure steel with a thin coating of titanium "for comfort."
Stan Checketts, whose S&S Power now owns Arrow Dynamics' assets, was reached for comment by ARN&R. "We're gonna make things taller! And faster! Boom! Boom! Shoot you a thousand feet in the air! Fly fast! Fast! Fast! Fast good! Boom! Boom!"
Thursday, January 09, 2003
Ruben: Top Thrill Dragster New Number One
Paul Ruben annouced today that Cedar Point's new Top Thrill Dragster claimed the number one spot on his coaster list. Ruben, who has traveled the world riding coasters on other people's money, and who has taken Mark Wyatt's spot as the provider of unsupported statements on amusement park television shows, said that the Top Thrill Dragster has everything he looks for in a coaster. "Just look at it," he said. "That is one big ride; I can tell without riding it that this thing will be my favorite."
Many enthusiasts cheered right along with Ruben. "Mr. Ruben is the number one man when it comes to coasters," said Tim Owens, founder of the Greater Boise Coaster Club (GBCC). "He's on TV all the time. If the number one rater of coasters says it's his number one then it has to be the best...right?!"
Some, however, are not so sure. Dick Kinzel of Cedar Fair was reported as saying that it did concern him a bit that Ruben had not ridden the coaster yet. "Sure, we at Cedar Fair are flattered, but I think he should at least wait until media day to make up his mind."
Ruben, North American editor of the almost utterly unread "Park World" magazine, said he wasn't going to let a detail like not riding the coaster stop him from placing it atop his list. "So what if I haven't ridden it?" Ruben snarled. "It is big and fast -- I know what I like in a coaster."
Ruben also commented that although he does not require parks to put him at the front of their lines when riding coasters, it doesn't hurt. "Hypothetically speaking, I can't say it would harm Cedar Point's chances if they cut me in front of everyone every time I visited a Cedar Fair Park." He then winked at and nudged the author. He also noted that sequel Dude, Where's My Car Now? would be the finest film of 2004 and that N*Sync's twelfth album will be the "greatest CD, or whatever format might be predominant at the time, of 2014."
Paul Ruben annouced today that Cedar Point's new Top Thrill Dragster claimed the number one spot on his coaster list. Ruben, who has traveled the world riding coasters on other people's money, and who has taken Mark Wyatt's spot as the provider of unsupported statements on amusement park television shows, said that the Top Thrill Dragster has everything he looks for in a coaster. "Just look at it," he said. "That is one big ride; I can tell without riding it that this thing will be my favorite."
Many enthusiasts cheered right along with Ruben. "Mr. Ruben is the number one man when it comes to coasters," said Tim Owens, founder of the Greater Boise Coaster Club (GBCC). "He's on TV all the time. If the number one rater of coasters says it's his number one then it has to be the best...right?!"
Some, however, are not so sure. Dick Kinzel of Cedar Fair was reported as saying that it did concern him a bit that Ruben had not ridden the coaster yet. "Sure, we at Cedar Fair are flattered, but I think he should at least wait until media day to make up his mind."
Ruben, North American editor of the almost utterly unread "Park World" magazine, said he wasn't going to let a detail like not riding the coaster stop him from placing it atop his list. "So what if I haven't ridden it?" Ruben snarled. "It is big and fast -- I know what I like in a coaster."
Ruben also commented that although he does not require parks to put him at the front of their lines when riding coasters, it doesn't hurt. "Hypothetically speaking, I can't say it would harm Cedar Point's chances if they cut me in front of everyone every time I visited a Cedar Fair Park." He then winked at and nudged the author. He also noted that sequel Dude, Where's My Car Now? would be the finest film of 2004 and that N*Sync's twelfth album will be the "greatest CD, or whatever format might be predominant at the time, of 2014."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)