Super Bowl Trash Talk Hits Bulletin Board
As Super Bowl festivities get underway today, the Raiders have extra incentive for victory, in the form of taunts made by Buccaneers noseguard Warren Sapp. Sapp’s inflammatory comments immediately appeared on the Raiders bulletin board.
A selection of Sapp’s inflammatory comments are reprinted below:
“Yo, Charlie Garner sucks worse than Raging Wolf Bobs.”
“Lincoln Kennedy is so fat people yell 'Free Willy' when he sits on the beach. I bet he’s a card-carrying member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”
“Rich Gannon’s gonna be spending more time on his ass than the Rolling Thunder paint crew.”
“I heard Bill Romanowski’s momma is so stupid, she likes it when the lap bar ratchets her down in the seat so she can’t get no airtime.”
“Warren is doing his best with his antics to get under our skin, but it won’t work,” stated Raiders receiver Jerry Rice. “All he’s doing is giving us more incentive to win this game.”
Rice added that Sapp has lots of really stupid coasters in his top ten list, and that “he can only fit his big ass in Row 5 of a B&M inverted coaster.”
--JCK
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Friday, January 24, 2003
Studies: Six Flags "Way More Funner" Than Other Amusement Parks
The two most comprehensive studies to date of the "funness" of amusement park chains has reached a strong conclusion that Six Flags parks are "way more funner" than any other amusement park chain, and "totally better" than any independent park, the park chain announced today in a press release.
"Today, real science has been heard," said Gary Story, President and COO of Six Flags. "We'd heard the claims of unscientific enthusiasts and others that parks like Cedar Point or Kennywood might be more funner than our parks, or maybe even the most funnest. But we got the experts to look at it, and now we can share the truth. We're the funnest! And our food is the goodest, too, but that's a different study."
“I have analyzed the data. I have studied the science,” said Dr. Rhea Rutner, a podiatrist, former short-order cook, and mother of four children, at the press release to announce the "funness" findings. “I am a foot doctor and I am a mother of four children. I know, without a doubt, that Six Flags rules over other parks. Did I mention that I'm a mother of four children? I am.”
Rutner and the other lead scientists on the studies appearing at the press conference had bundles of twenty-dollar bills visibly straining the seams of their pockets. "That? Oh, that's just the, um, honorarium Six Flags gave us for heading up the study. Nothing for you to worry about."
The two most comprehensive studies to date of the "funness" of amusement park chains has reached a strong conclusion that Six Flags parks are "way more funner" than any other amusement park chain, and "totally better" than any independent park, the park chain announced today in a press release.
"Today, real science has been heard," said Gary Story, President and COO of Six Flags. "We'd heard the claims of unscientific enthusiasts and others that parks like Cedar Point or Kennywood might be more funner than our parks, or maybe even the most funnest. But we got the experts to look at it, and now we can share the truth. We're the funnest! And our food is the goodest, too, but that's a different study."
“I have analyzed the data. I have studied the science,” said Dr. Rhea Rutner, a podiatrist, former short-order cook, and mother of four children, at the press release to announce the "funness" findings. “I am a foot doctor and I am a mother of four children. I know, without a doubt, that Six Flags rules over other parks. Did I mention that I'm a mother of four children? I am.”
Rutner and the other lead scientists on the studies appearing at the press conference had bundles of twenty-dollar bills visibly straining the seams of their pockets. "That? Oh, that's just the, um, honorarium Six Flags gave us for heading up the study. Nothing for you to worry about."
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Enthusiast’s Friends Labeled “Total Bastards”
This afternoon, Ralph Hunter and Jenny Hoover, a Spokane, Washington couple, were startled to learn that their good friend, Arkansas coaster lover Travis Edgerton, had recently claimed that they were “total bastards.”
“I don’t understand,” said Hoover. “Travis and Ralph have been really great friends for almost seven years…ever since they were in a junior college music appreciation class together in Pensacola. I don’t remember them ever fighting. In fact, he was supposed to be an usher at our wedding this coming October. We’re pretty upset.”
Edgerton remains unapologetic. “Oh, they can pretend they don’t understand why I’m mad at their pathetic, loser, bastard selves, but they know what’s up. Okay, look, they live like one hour from Silverwood Park. They know damn well I’m an enthusiast. So do they have their wedding in May or June like any normal people? No! They plan it for October, when the park is closed. They really expect me to drop that much coin going to the Pacific Northwest when Tremors isn’t even open? What a pack of cretins.”
Hunter and Hoover have stated that they will not consider moving the wedding date, nor renting the park for a private reception in order that Edgerton can “ride his stupid thing.”
--JCK
This afternoon, Ralph Hunter and Jenny Hoover, a Spokane, Washington couple, were startled to learn that their good friend, Arkansas coaster lover Travis Edgerton, had recently claimed that they were “total bastards.”
“I don’t understand,” said Hoover. “Travis and Ralph have been really great friends for almost seven years…ever since they were in a junior college music appreciation class together in Pensacola. I don’t remember them ever fighting. In fact, he was supposed to be an usher at our wedding this coming October. We’re pretty upset.”
Edgerton remains unapologetic. “Oh, they can pretend they don’t understand why I’m mad at their pathetic, loser, bastard selves, but they know what’s up. Okay, look, they live like one hour from Silverwood Park. They know damn well I’m an enthusiast. So do they have their wedding in May or June like any normal people? No! They plan it for October, when the park is closed. They really expect me to drop that much coin going to the Pacific Northwest when Tremors isn’t even open? What a pack of cretins.”
Hunter and Hoover have stated that they will not consider moving the wedding date, nor renting the park for a private reception in order that Edgerton can “ride his stupid thing.”
--JCK
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Great Escape To Become Six Flags Northeastern New York
Great Escape park announced today its plans to upgrade its facilities in expectation of becoming a Six Flags park. Although owned for the past several years by Six Flags, the park has generally been thought not to have the necessary rides, size, or infrastructure to be branded a full Six Flags venue. All that will change next season when Great Escape morphs into Six Flags Northeastern New York.
Says Six Flags President Gary Story, “We’re delighted to announce Six Flags Northeastern New York. Every year, we’ve told the Great Escape that, in order to be branded as a full property, they have to make changes in order to be truly deserving of the coveted and respected Six Flags corporate name. This past season, we did note some progress along these lines. For instance, Great Escape has long been a haven for those who wish to avoid long lines. Well, this season, the place was just packed to the gills on most operating days, with lines stretching for up to a mile. Also, the park made sure to get the positive attention of Six Flags Corporate by running single trains on every single coaster, despite the massive lines this caused. Theme Park Mentality and large crowds of hot, irritated visitors are qualities we look for when labeling a park ‘Six Flags.’”
Story went on to note, “sadly, Great Escape wasn’t ready for the conversion yet in 2002, despite those capacity issues. For instance, they offer free parking. What the hell? Their bathrooms are generally tidy, the paths aren’t covered with human waste, there are lots of pleasant shady places to escape the hot sun, park staff are usually competent and pleasant, and there are cute little Storybook sections that don’t demand any extra fee. We told the park, flat out, that all this nonsense has to change.”
Great Escape manager Tom Spikowsky stated in his press release that “Great Escape was working hard to address all the parent company’s concerns,” and that he prayed daily that “his park could reach the lofty heights of such amusement destinations as Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, Six Flags America, and Six Flags Fiesta Texas.”
Spikowsky elaborated with the following comments: “We plan to soil each bathroom with unspeakable filth each morning, even dedicating a special work force of our special foreign staff to the task, and then refuse to do any cleaning all day. We will charge 15 dollars for parking, and an extra 4 dollars for the pavement. Stores will no longer offer affordable souvenirs and shirts, but will instead sell generic, overpriced crap smeared with Warner Brothers characters. We will now require all ride operators to not only ratchet passengers as tightly in their seats as possible, but also to savagely knee each of them in the groin as they enter the station. All trees will be burned to the ground, and children will pay a 40-dollar upcharge to pet the goat.”
New themes will also be evident at SFNNY. ARN&R has learned that Boomerang Coast to Coaster will be renamed Flashback, Alpine Bobsled will be renamed Penguin’s Blizzard River, and Steamin’ Demon will become Batman Ultimate Knight Escape. The extensive new theming will consist of freshly painted signs with the new ride names on them. The legendary Comet wood coaster will maintain its name, but will receive typical Six Flags improvements such as trim brakes, over the shoulder restraints, and anal probes.
The final mission of SFNNY is to alter its clientele to better reflect the sort of crowd Six Flags patrons are accustomed to experiencing. Says Spikowsky, “we plan to offer inexpensive switchblades, broken bottles, and bricks to customers at the entrance. Our Bugs Bunny and Foghorn Leghorn mascots will be paid bonuses to catcall and harass women inside the Arno’s Small World kiddie area. Finally, Nightmare at Crackaxle Canyon will be renamed Nightmare at Crack Whore Canyon.”
--JCK
Great Escape park announced today its plans to upgrade its facilities in expectation of becoming a Six Flags park. Although owned for the past several years by Six Flags, the park has generally been thought not to have the necessary rides, size, or infrastructure to be branded a full Six Flags venue. All that will change next season when Great Escape morphs into Six Flags Northeastern New York.
Says Six Flags President Gary Story, “We’re delighted to announce Six Flags Northeastern New York. Every year, we’ve told the Great Escape that, in order to be branded as a full property, they have to make changes in order to be truly deserving of the coveted and respected Six Flags corporate name. This past season, we did note some progress along these lines. For instance, Great Escape has long been a haven for those who wish to avoid long lines. Well, this season, the place was just packed to the gills on most operating days, with lines stretching for up to a mile. Also, the park made sure to get the positive attention of Six Flags Corporate by running single trains on every single coaster, despite the massive lines this caused. Theme Park Mentality and large crowds of hot, irritated visitors are qualities we look for when labeling a park ‘Six Flags.’”
Story went on to note, “sadly, Great Escape wasn’t ready for the conversion yet in 2002, despite those capacity issues. For instance, they offer free parking. What the hell? Their bathrooms are generally tidy, the paths aren’t covered with human waste, there are lots of pleasant shady places to escape the hot sun, park staff are usually competent and pleasant, and there are cute little Storybook sections that don’t demand any extra fee. We told the park, flat out, that all this nonsense has to change.”
Great Escape manager Tom Spikowsky stated in his press release that “Great Escape was working hard to address all the parent company’s concerns,” and that he prayed daily that “his park could reach the lofty heights of such amusement destinations as Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, Six Flags America, and Six Flags Fiesta Texas.”
Spikowsky elaborated with the following comments: “We plan to soil each bathroom with unspeakable filth each morning, even dedicating a special work force of our special foreign staff to the task, and then refuse to do any cleaning all day. We will charge 15 dollars for parking, and an extra 4 dollars for the pavement. Stores will no longer offer affordable souvenirs and shirts, but will instead sell generic, overpriced crap smeared with Warner Brothers characters. We will now require all ride operators to not only ratchet passengers as tightly in their seats as possible, but also to savagely knee each of them in the groin as they enter the station. All trees will be burned to the ground, and children will pay a 40-dollar upcharge to pet the goat.”
New themes will also be evident at SFNNY. ARN&R has learned that Boomerang Coast to Coaster will be renamed Flashback, Alpine Bobsled will be renamed Penguin’s Blizzard River, and Steamin’ Demon will become Batman Ultimate Knight Escape. The extensive new theming will consist of freshly painted signs with the new ride names on them. The legendary Comet wood coaster will maintain its name, but will receive typical Six Flags improvements such as trim brakes, over the shoulder restraints, and anal probes.
The final mission of SFNNY is to alter its clientele to better reflect the sort of crowd Six Flags patrons are accustomed to experiencing. Says Spikowsky, “we plan to offer inexpensive switchblades, broken bottles, and bricks to customers at the entrance. Our Bugs Bunny and Foghorn Leghorn mascots will be paid bonuses to catcall and harass women inside the Arno’s Small World kiddie area. Finally, Nightmare at Crackaxle Canyon will be renamed Nightmare at Crack Whore Canyon.”
--JCK
Monday, January 20, 2003
National Tragedy Strikes as Enthusiasts "Dance"
In a national horror the likes of which has not been seen since the release of "Y-M-C-A" into the hands of stadium P.A. staff, the increasing popularity of the arcade and home game known as "Dance Dance Revolution" (or "DDR") has brought the nation to a standstill as right-thinking people everywhere stare in shock at the rhythmless, writhing pale bodies of coaster enthusiasts jerking randomly to blaring techno music.
"It was a travesty," said Cyndi Hengst, a hotel manager in Houston, Texas, speaking through sobs, who witnessed DDR at a winter enthusiast event at Six Flags Astroworld. "I've seen things you can't unsee. I just wanted to ride the Cyclone. But this was a terror...the bodies, the movement, the jiggling..." Hengst broke down in tears.
The disaster apparently began at CoasterBuzz, where dozens of pallid participants, panting at the first hint of physical exertion and reduced to exhaustion within minutes of beginning a DDR session, discussed their enjoyment of DDR, even posting pictures so terrifying we won't post images of them here. (Parents, please use your discretion in permitting your children to visit this site, and please note that ARN&R takes no responsibility if the images on the site violate any laws or regulations in your jurisdiction.)
Most disturbingly, ARN&R has learned that the plague of DDR machines will continue to spread at amusement parks nationwide, with enthusiasts developing dancing "skills" that they will never, ever, ever actually have occasion to use in the sense of actually dancing with another human being. Indeed, the trend is likely to increase the civilization-ending trend of naked dancing in front of the mirror to blaring renditions of "Rollercoaster of Love." Experts say DDR is likely to result in unspeakable nightmares for ordinary citizens standing in line for Raptor at Cedar Point, as enthusiasts get down with their bad selves, dancing to the in-line music.
In related news, amusement parks report a fifty percent increase in applications from sixteen-year-olds who want to design coasters, citing their extensive experience playing Rollercoaster Tycoon.
In a national horror the likes of which has not been seen since the release of "Y-M-C-A" into the hands of stadium P.A. staff, the increasing popularity of the arcade and home game known as "Dance Dance Revolution" (or "DDR") has brought the nation to a standstill as right-thinking people everywhere stare in shock at the rhythmless, writhing pale bodies of coaster enthusiasts jerking randomly to blaring techno music.
"It was a travesty," said Cyndi Hengst, a hotel manager in Houston, Texas, speaking through sobs, who witnessed DDR at a winter enthusiast event at Six Flags Astroworld. "I've seen things you can't unsee. I just wanted to ride the Cyclone. But this was a terror...the bodies, the movement, the jiggling..." Hengst broke down in tears.
The disaster apparently began at CoasterBuzz, where dozens of pallid participants, panting at the first hint of physical exertion and reduced to exhaustion within minutes of beginning a DDR session, discussed their enjoyment of DDR, even posting pictures so terrifying we won't post images of them here. (Parents, please use your discretion in permitting your children to visit this site, and please note that ARN&R takes no responsibility if the images on the site violate any laws or regulations in your jurisdiction.)
Most disturbingly, ARN&R has learned that the plague of DDR machines will continue to spread at amusement parks nationwide, with enthusiasts developing dancing "skills" that they will never, ever, ever actually have occasion to use in the sense of actually dancing with another human being. Indeed, the trend is likely to increase the civilization-ending trend of naked dancing in front of the mirror to blaring renditions of "Rollercoaster of Love." Experts say DDR is likely to result in unspeakable nightmares for ordinary citizens standing in line for Raptor at Cedar Point, as enthusiasts get down with their bad selves, dancing to the in-line music.
In related news, amusement parks report a fifty percent increase in applications from sixteen-year-olds who want to design coasters, citing their extensive experience playing Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Welcome to People Searching for Unrelated Materials!
We enjoy our stats logs, perhaps more than we should. The best searches that have evidently resulted in someone finding ARN&R:
Lobotomies and pictures of them being performed (twice -- twice -- this has brought someone here)
Naked pictures of Jessica Alba (clean up your keyboards, boys)
Ozzfest rumors 2003 (we hear Tori Amos will headline)
And now we're hoping we'll get even more hits from these searches! And while we're at it: Get rich quick! Free money! Authentic pictures of Matt Damon and George Peppard naked with hockey hair! (You'd be surprised how many people are looking for those pictures.) Hot pictures of Jennifer Aniston carrying a basket of napkins!
We enjoy our stats logs, perhaps more than we should. The best searches that have evidently resulted in someone finding ARN&R:
Lobotomies and pictures of them being performed (twice -- twice -- this has brought someone here)
Naked pictures of Jessica Alba (clean up your keyboards, boys)
Ozzfest rumors 2003 (we hear Tori Amos will headline)
And now we're hoping we'll get even more hits from these searches! And while we're at it: Get rich quick! Free money! Authentic pictures of Matt Damon and George Peppard naked with hockey hair! (You'd be surprised how many people are looking for those pictures.) Hot pictures of Jennifer Aniston carrying a basket of napkins!
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Discovery Network Announces "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles"
Adding to the Discovery Network's extensive series of shows about amusement parks, network management announced the channel's next special: "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles."
Featuring an in-depth look at the wide world of turnstiles, the program -- spanning three hours over as many days -- will open with a 45-minute history of turnstiles, followed by what the program's director, Michael Cimino, describes as "the fastest, wildest, most incredible look at turnstiles in the history of shows about turnstiles." The highlight of the show, according to Cimino, is a seven-minute uninterrupted tracking shot in which viewers are taken on a point-of-view trip through every one of Cedar Point's entrance turnstiles. "It's just like Touch of Evil!" exclaimed Cimino.
Members of the American Turnstile Enthusiasts appear throughout the program; most insist that Cedar Point's turnstiles are clearly the best in the world, while a small but vocal minority prefer the "classic" turnstiles at Denver's Lakeside Park.
At press time, pre-orders of the DVD were the third-highest-selling program on Amazon.com's travel section. The program will air on three days, yet to be announced, during the competitive February sweeps.
Adding to the Discovery Network's extensive series of shows about amusement parks, network management announced the channel's next special: "Biggest and Fastest and Wildest Extreme Thrill Park Turnstiles."
Featuring an in-depth look at the wide world of turnstiles, the program -- spanning three hours over as many days -- will open with a 45-minute history of turnstiles, followed by what the program's director, Michael Cimino, describes as "the fastest, wildest, most incredible look at turnstiles in the history of shows about turnstiles." The highlight of the show, according to Cimino, is a seven-minute uninterrupted tracking shot in which viewers are taken on a point-of-view trip through every one of Cedar Point's entrance turnstiles. "It's just like Touch of Evil!" exclaimed Cimino.
Members of the American Turnstile Enthusiasts appear throughout the program; most insist that Cedar Point's turnstiles are clearly the best in the world, while a small but vocal minority prefer the "classic" turnstiles at Denver's Lakeside Park.
At press time, pre-orders of the DVD were the third-highest-selling program on Amazon.com's travel section. The program will air on three days, yet to be announced, during the competitive February sweeps.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Six Flags Marine World to Also Get Astrodome, Parking Lot, Three Astros to be Named Later
In surprising news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced that Six Flags Marine World, outside San Francisco, would not just be getting the Schwarzkopf classic Zonga (nee Texas Tornado, nee Taz's Texas Tornado, nee Thriller) from Six Flags Astroworld in Houston, Texas. It'll also get the nearly-abandoned Astrodome, the enormous parking lot surrounding the stadium, and three members of the Astros Major League baseball team to be named later.
"We were busy taking the coaster apart when we looked across the interstate and saw the Astrodome, just sitting there all lonely," said Bob Warner, head of the crew tasked with moving the coaster. "It was hosting a monster truck rally or something, which just seemed wrong. So we figured we'd throw that into the deal, too; it'll be much happier in California. And once we pulled up the stadium, the parking lot just seemed like a natural addition, 'cause Marine World will want somewhere to put all the people the Astrodome will attract."
The domed stadium -- the first of its kind -- is expected to be placed immediately inside the park's entrance and will serve as the photo keepsake sales booth.
As for how professional baseball players became part of the deal, details are sketchy, but rumors suggest that it is related to a controversial players-for-Dippin'-Dots-Ice-Cream-of-the-Future trade. Speculation has focused on right-fielder Lance Berkman, shortstop Julio Lugo, and possibly a utility infielder from the Astros' minor league organization as likely candidates to be sent to California, where they are expected to be assigned to maintenance or season ticket sales.
In surprising news, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced that Six Flags Marine World, outside San Francisco, would not just be getting the Schwarzkopf classic Zonga (nee Texas Tornado, nee Taz's Texas Tornado, nee Thriller) from Six Flags Astroworld in Houston, Texas. It'll also get the nearly-abandoned Astrodome, the enormous parking lot surrounding the stadium, and three members of the Astros Major League baseball team to be named later.
"We were busy taking the coaster apart when we looked across the interstate and saw the Astrodome, just sitting there all lonely," said Bob Warner, head of the crew tasked with moving the coaster. "It was hosting a monster truck rally or something, which just seemed wrong. So we figured we'd throw that into the deal, too; it'll be much happier in California. And once we pulled up the stadium, the parking lot just seemed like a natural addition, 'cause Marine World will want somewhere to put all the people the Astrodome will attract."
The domed stadium -- the first of its kind -- is expected to be placed immediately inside the park's entrance and will serve as the photo keepsake sales booth.
As for how professional baseball players became part of the deal, details are sketchy, but rumors suggest that it is related to a controversial players-for-Dippin'-Dots-Ice-Cream-of-the-Future trade. Speculation has focused on right-fielder Lance Berkman, shortstop Julio Lugo, and possibly a utility infielder from the Astros' minor league organization as likely candidates to be sent to California, where they are expected to be assigned to maintenance or season ticket sales.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Thrillnetwork.com Still Online, Shocking Enthusiasts at or Above a Fourth-Grade Reading Level
In news that surprised coherent enthusiasts throughout the world, Thrillnetwork.com is still online, and seemingly continues operations, evidently believing itself to be relevant.
"Seriously? That site's still up? That's incredible," said Detroit-area college-educated enthusiast Mike Herrington. "You're kidding, right?"
After closing twelve popup ads and reloading three times to resolve ASP scripting errors, ARN&R can confirm, in an exclusive investigative report, that the site is indeed up, despite widespread disbelief among enthusiasts capable of carrying on a conversation about any book without the word "thrill" in its title. The front page offers links to articles available only at thirty or more other coaster-oriented sites, along with the siren call of a link: "Click here for a PHP script to make this do something!" Additionally, the site's forums continue to operate with upwards of thirty people active at any given time, at least one of whom is capable of forming a complete sentence.
There may, indeed, be even more available on the site, but even the most intrepid investigative reporter couldn't say for sure, given the site's labrynthine navigation. The search engine has been "taken offline for tweaking," rendering further investigation difficult.
Reached for comment, the site's management declared: "We is the site for the rest of us, them who can't really write or talk so good."
In news that surprised coherent enthusiasts throughout the world, Thrillnetwork.com is still online, and seemingly continues operations, evidently believing itself to be relevant.
"Seriously? That site's still up? That's incredible," said Detroit-area college-educated enthusiast Mike Herrington. "You're kidding, right?"
After closing twelve popup ads and reloading three times to resolve ASP scripting errors, ARN&R can confirm, in an exclusive investigative report, that the site is indeed up, despite widespread disbelief among enthusiasts capable of carrying on a conversation about any book without the word "thrill" in its title. The front page offers links to articles available only at thirty or more other coaster-oriented sites, along with the siren call of a link: "Click here for a PHP script to make this do something!" Additionally, the site's forums continue to operate with upwards of thirty people active at any given time, at least one of whom is capable of forming a complete sentence.
There may, indeed, be even more available on the site, but even the most intrepid investigative reporter couldn't say for sure, given the site's labrynthine navigation. The search engine has been "taken offline for tweaking," rendering further investigation difficult.
Reached for comment, the site's management declared: "We is the site for the rest of us, them who can't really write or talk so good."
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Pinpoint Park Announces Non–Thrill Ride
Sandrusty, PA – Pinpoint Park, just outside Pittsburgh, announced today that the park would be unveiling a non-thrill ride called: No Thrills Dasher. The non–thrill ride will take riders to a soaring 12 feet into the air. Termed the world's first "starter coaster," No Thrills Dasher will amaze guests with its 0 to 8 mph in-less-than-a-second launch speed.
At a cost of $2.50 U.S. dollars, No Thrills Dasher will be the cheapest attraction in the park. No Thrills Dasher promises to be the absolute slowest and most boring attraction since 1914 when Pinpoint Park added the Non-Rotating Carousel to its repartee. In 1998 Pinpoint Park announced the opening of the worlds first ‘ride-till-you-die' attraction: "Gravy Boat." Sad to say, due to the high maintenance cost of keeping the gravy free from bacterial contamination, the attraction never opened.
Darts Inc, the makers of such unknown rides as: Ride This & Weep; You Spin Me ‘Round; and Vouge, created this once in a lifetime snooze of an attraction. "You will yawn the whole time," stated Pinpoint Park CEO Brad Fisherman. "There is no way you'll return home and not mention just how bad this attraction is. No Thrills Dasher will become world renowned!"
Enthusiasts all around the globe have been hitting up the not legally licenced, fan based website: guidetothepinpoint.com where visitors can view true to life, 3-dimensional, without-the-glasses, holographic representations of the ride. [Due to such extreme heavy traffic, guidetothepinpoint.com may be experiencing technical difficulties - Ed.]
"I've ridden No Thrills Dasher 175 times in a row!!" exclaims teen enthusiast Rorey Benderfinder, "The site is totally, bogusly, awesome!" No plans have been announced for Rorey to actually visit Pinpoint Park in the future, "but, I would visit their website a heck of a lot more often if they keep offering non-thrill rides such as this."
The actual No Thrills Dasher may or may not open this May.
–RAS
Sandrusty, PA – Pinpoint Park, just outside Pittsburgh, announced today that the park would be unveiling a non-thrill ride called: No Thrills Dasher. The non–thrill ride will take riders to a soaring 12 feet into the air. Termed the world's first "starter coaster," No Thrills Dasher will amaze guests with its 0 to 8 mph in-less-than-a-second launch speed.
At a cost of $2.50 U.S. dollars, No Thrills Dasher will be the cheapest attraction in the park. No Thrills Dasher promises to be the absolute slowest and most boring attraction since 1914 when Pinpoint Park added the Non-Rotating Carousel to its repartee. In 1998 Pinpoint Park announced the opening of the worlds first ‘ride-till-you-die' attraction: "Gravy Boat." Sad to say, due to the high maintenance cost of keeping the gravy free from bacterial contamination, the attraction never opened.
Darts Inc, the makers of such unknown rides as: Ride This & Weep; You Spin Me ‘Round; and Vouge, created this once in a lifetime snooze of an attraction. "You will yawn the whole time," stated Pinpoint Park CEO Brad Fisherman. "There is no way you'll return home and not mention just how bad this attraction is. No Thrills Dasher will become world renowned!"
Enthusiasts all around the globe have been hitting up the not legally licenced, fan based website: guidetothepinpoint.com where visitors can view true to life, 3-dimensional, without-the-glasses, holographic representations of the ride. [Due to such extreme heavy traffic, guidetothepinpoint.com may be experiencing technical difficulties - Ed.]
"I've ridden No Thrills Dasher 175 times in a row!!" exclaims teen enthusiast Rorey Benderfinder, "The site is totally, bogusly, awesome!" No plans have been announced for Rorey to actually visit Pinpoint Park in the future, "but, I would visit their website a heck of a lot more often if they keep offering non-thrill rides such as this."
The actual No Thrills Dasher may or may not open this May.
–RAS
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