American Coaster Enthusiasts Earn Rare Honor
Tuesday was a proud day for the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as they were granted a rare and distinguished honor. This morning, ACE was presented with only the third Lifetime Membership Award by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). Aside from being part of a very special group, ACE has the added distinction of being the first organization so honored.
IFOCE is a group dedicated to the promotion of competitive eating, a sport that features contests of gustatory endurance, volume, and speed. Professional “gurgitators” earn up to $50,000 in various sanctioned world contests, and the group hopes to achieve Olympic recognition and televised national tours to showcase the athletic achievements of IFOCE members.
Says IFOCE chairman George Shea, 38, “It’s the sport of Everyman…everyone eats, so everyone understands the athletic ability needed to eat enormous quantities of food in a short period of time.”
Shea added that “the Federation could think of no person or group more worthy of spreading our ideals of face-stuffing, shark-like feeding frenzy, and hypergluttony than the American Coaster Enthusiasts. At the 2001 CoasterCon at Hersheypark, 200 members of ACE polished off the amount of breakfast one morning that would normally serve 600. Then, while they were waiting for an ERT session to begin, some members broke into the ice cream stands and cabinets, polishing off every single crumb and ketchup packet Hershey owned. This year, Wild Adventures had a regional event, and they were forced to slaughter 103 pigs, 45 cattle, 213 chickens, and the entire Petting Zoo to keep ACE members from feasting upon the ride operators. And finally, despite the fact that ACE members decimated the sheep herd around The Ultimate on this year’s European Coaster Odyssey, not a single member suffered the shame of what we call a ‘food reversal.’ That’s skill, that’s class, and that’s good reason for this honor.”
ACE officers could not be located for comment, as apparently someone with the organization let the lease run out or forgot to pay rent or some such crap, resulting in the group having a temporary phone number and address in a battered outhouse somewhere in Kansas or something.
--JCK
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
Sunday, February 02, 2003
PTC to Branch Out
Tom Rebbie of Philadelphia Toboggan Coasters has invited ACE back to the PTC factory on the 10th Anniversary of the original ACE tour in 1993, and many enthusiasts are wondering what, if anything, will be announced at the tour. Rumors have been swirling furiously around the town of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, that there is big news regarding a totally new direction for the company long involved in wide-ranging aspects of roller coaster design and construction. In recent years, the company has restricted its business to building roller coaster trains.
But now, there is big news, ARN&R can exclusively confirm. Tom Rebbie has noticed how the new Chrysler PT Cruisers have performed in sales over their first couple years, and the growth of sales of suburban utility vehicles has been well documented. Apparently, PTC believes that there is room for one more manufacturer in the US automotive industry! Dubbed the PTC Cruiser, it's a hybrid roller coaster train/automobile that "offers all the luxurious accommodations that coaster enthusiasts have come to love in our trains, and all the benefits of an SUV," according to Rebbie in an interview. Draft company promotional literature reveals that the PTC Cruiser will seat six, two per row in three rows.
Featuring an airbag in each row and well-padded seats with dividers, the vehicles will weigh approximately 2.2 tons apiece. The vehicles will get about 8 miles per gallon in the city and 12 on the highway, but considerably more on downhill inclines.
"What really makes our cars unique," said Rebbie, "is that they can be coupled together just like our coaster trains, perfect for those big family vacations! Furthermore, they are approved by the federal government to run on standard train tracks, since the undercarriage features wheels of appropriate dimensions accessible when the tires are removed. These are the vehicles of the 21st century."
--WDL
Tom Rebbie of Philadelphia Toboggan Coasters has invited ACE back to the PTC factory on the 10th Anniversary of the original ACE tour in 1993, and many enthusiasts are wondering what, if anything, will be announced at the tour. Rumors have been swirling furiously around the town of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, that there is big news regarding a totally new direction for the company long involved in wide-ranging aspects of roller coaster design and construction. In recent years, the company has restricted its business to building roller coaster trains.
But now, there is big news, ARN&R can exclusively confirm. Tom Rebbie has noticed how the new Chrysler PT Cruisers have performed in sales over their first couple years, and the growth of sales of suburban utility vehicles has been well documented. Apparently, PTC believes that there is room for one more manufacturer in the US automotive industry! Dubbed the PTC Cruiser, it's a hybrid roller coaster train/automobile that "offers all the luxurious accommodations that coaster enthusiasts have come to love in our trains, and all the benefits of an SUV," according to Rebbie in an interview. Draft company promotional literature reveals that the PTC Cruiser will seat six, two per row in three rows.
Featuring an airbag in each row and well-padded seats with dividers, the vehicles will weigh approximately 2.2 tons apiece. The vehicles will get about 8 miles per gallon in the city and 12 on the highway, but considerably more on downhill inclines.
"What really makes our cars unique," said Rebbie, "is that they can be coupled together just like our coaster trains, perfect for those big family vacations! Furthermore, they are approved by the federal government to run on standard train tracks, since the undercarriage features wheels of appropriate dimensions accessible when the tires are removed. These are the vehicles of the 21st century."
--WDL
Friday, January 31, 2003
Reality TV Coasts To A New Era
In today’s television market, reality shows such as American Idol, Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and Survivor dominate the Nielsens and the advertising dollars. Still, producers are always hard at work looking to find a new spin on the trend in order to keep the genre fresh and the revenue flowing in. This spring, Fox Network will continue targeting large and influential markets with a decidedly coaster enthusiast-influenced set of reality shows.
The first of the new breed of reality shows to debut will be Dork Island, which, while not totally coaster-based, will feature an enthusiast amongst its cast. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “A widely diverse group of complete and utter wankers will face off in a series of tests and games each week, after which the Geek Council will meet to throw one member off the island. An added bonus will be the fact that, when the contestant is removed from play, he will actually be locked in a room with his old (or current) high school bullies, who will be free to mock and administer wedgies to him on camera. Dork Island will feature a guy who collects Star Wars dolls, a Magic card player, this Goth dude who pretends he’s a vampire, a D&D Gamemaster, this putz who runs 50 different sports fantasy leagues, a MSTie, a computer games tester, and of course a coaster enthusiast. The show will begin in late February.”
Says enthusiast Jack Bauer, “they better not have gotten some enthusiast who likes crappy coasters. I bet he says Beast is his favorite. That (obscenity) probably even likes Boomerangs.”
Other media watchdogs are also wary of the new show. “Fox sucks worse than a night in a Bantha stable,” said Pete Budryk, a Star Wars enthusiast. “How real is a reality show if they don’t get the facts right? They actually have a Dork Island without including Trekkies? Those guys are the real goobers. I’ll bet Fox wouldn’t be thinking the True Fans were ‘dorks’ if Kir Kanos was trying out some Echani moves on their asses.”
Budryk also added that he, for one, does not collect Star Wars dolls. “They’re twelve inch pose-able action figures. Get it right.”
Premiering in late April will be Fox’s first show devoted entirely to coaster enthusiasts. American Coaster Designer will follow a format similar to the current, American Idol. Thirty-two unknown coaster designers will be featured in auditions, performances, and showcases, with the winner receiving money and a contract to design a new roller coaster at Castles and Coasters Park in Arizona. Online voting determines who is removed weekly.
Aside from seeing the exploits of the bold young wanna-be stars, interest in the show is helped with the use of charismatic judges. Head judge Simon Cowell delights audiences by cruelly insulting the designers. In a preview clip shown to reviewers, Cowell is heard to inform one designer, “These banked curves bring shame upon the human race,” “This ride looks like a pile of horse excrement,” and “You are the single worst coaster designer in the history of the planet.” Other judges are Stan Checketts of S&S, Gravity Group’s Larry Bill, and Thrillride’s Bob Coker.
Not yet in production, but tentatively scheduled for an early summer run of 10 shows is Joe Coaster Enthusiast, where 30 gold-digging whores compete for the attentions and hand in marriage of Walter Bolliger of B&M, one of the world’s most respected coaster firms. The twist Fox plans for this show is to trick the whores into thinking a New York enthusiast with a simian-level intellect, a GeoCities website, and no employment is actually Walter Bolliger.
Says Swank, “When one of those money grubbing sluts finds out that instead of bedding and wedding one of the world’s preeminent coaster technicians, she’s actually offering herself to a complete moron, who, incidentally, thinks the Chiller is the best ride ever created, sparks are sure going to fly!”
--JCK
In today’s television market, reality shows such as American Idol, Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and Survivor dominate the Nielsens and the advertising dollars. Still, producers are always hard at work looking to find a new spin on the trend in order to keep the genre fresh and the revenue flowing in. This spring, Fox Network will continue targeting large and influential markets with a decidedly coaster enthusiast-influenced set of reality shows.
The first of the new breed of reality shows to debut will be Dork Island, which, while not totally coaster-based, will feature an enthusiast amongst its cast. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “A widely diverse group of complete and utter wankers will face off in a series of tests and games each week, after which the Geek Council will meet to throw one member off the island. An added bonus will be the fact that, when the contestant is removed from play, he will actually be locked in a room with his old (or current) high school bullies, who will be free to mock and administer wedgies to him on camera. Dork Island will feature a guy who collects Star Wars dolls, a Magic card player, this Goth dude who pretends he’s a vampire, a D&D Gamemaster, this putz who runs 50 different sports fantasy leagues, a MSTie, a computer games tester, and of course a coaster enthusiast. The show will begin in late February.”
Says enthusiast Jack Bauer, “they better not have gotten some enthusiast who likes crappy coasters. I bet he says Beast is his favorite. That (obscenity) probably even likes Boomerangs.”
Other media watchdogs are also wary of the new show. “Fox sucks worse than a night in a Bantha stable,” said Pete Budryk, a Star Wars enthusiast. “How real is a reality show if they don’t get the facts right? They actually have a Dork Island without including Trekkies? Those guys are the real goobers. I’ll bet Fox wouldn’t be thinking the True Fans were ‘dorks’ if Kir Kanos was trying out some Echani moves on their asses.”
Budryk also added that he, for one, does not collect Star Wars dolls. “They’re twelve inch pose-able action figures. Get it right.”
Premiering in late April will be Fox’s first show devoted entirely to coaster enthusiasts. American Coaster Designer will follow a format similar to the current, American Idol. Thirty-two unknown coaster designers will be featured in auditions, performances, and showcases, with the winner receiving money and a contract to design a new roller coaster at Castles and Coasters Park in Arizona. Online voting determines who is removed weekly.
Aside from seeing the exploits of the bold young wanna-be stars, interest in the show is helped with the use of charismatic judges. Head judge Simon Cowell delights audiences by cruelly insulting the designers. In a preview clip shown to reviewers, Cowell is heard to inform one designer, “These banked curves bring shame upon the human race,” “This ride looks like a pile of horse excrement,” and “You are the single worst coaster designer in the history of the planet.” Other judges are Stan Checketts of S&S, Gravity Group’s Larry Bill, and Thrillride’s Bob Coker.
Not yet in production, but tentatively scheduled for an early summer run of 10 shows is Joe Coaster Enthusiast, where 30 gold-digging whores compete for the attentions and hand in marriage of Walter Bolliger of B&M, one of the world’s most respected coaster firms. The twist Fox plans for this show is to trick the whores into thinking a New York enthusiast with a simian-level intellect, a GeoCities website, and no employment is actually Walter Bolliger.
Says Swank, “When one of those money grubbing sluts finds out that instead of bedding and wedding one of the world’s preeminent coaster technicians, she’s actually offering herself to a complete moron, who, incidentally, thinks the Chiller is the best ride ever created, sparks are sure going to fly!”
--JCK
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Dateline Exposé Broadens ARN&R Drinking Scandal
Already reeling from charges of alcoholism among its staff, ARN&R was rocked tonight by a no-holds-barred Dateline piece that jumped the ever-widening scandal to national front-page news.
The initial claims of sodden debauchery were made by respected national coaster expert and grammar wizard Xcrement, who stated “[t]hat site is so stupid, and probably run by a couple of drunks.” The rumor was dismissed outright the same night by the website’s Editor-in-Chief, who stated that “no member of my staff has ever been even remotely intoxicated,” immediately prior to belching loudly into the microphone.
The matter seemed to have been put to rest…until ARN&R was blindsided by Dateline, which sneaked cameras into a lurid party at Hugh Hefner’s AbsolutelyReliable Mansion this weekend. The news program gathered reel after reel of shocking material, of which several heavily edited excerpts were shown to the horrified American public.
Among the most Bacchanalian of ARN&R staff misadventures catalogued by Dateline were contributing writers WDL, RAS, and JCK beer-bonging Everclear with Hefner and frolicking in a Gin and Tonic pond with stark naked Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Kristen Kreuk, while the Editor-in-Chief was seen simultaneously shotgunning three cases of Guinness while using a piping hot coat hanger to brand “ARN&R RULZ” on the buttocks of comely young blondes.
Although the ARN&R staff has refused to grant interviews following the startling footage, their lawyer Johnny Cochran has claimed in a written statement that “the case would be tried in a court, not on coaster message boards.”
--JCK
Already reeling from charges of alcoholism among its staff, ARN&R was rocked tonight by a no-holds-barred Dateline piece that jumped the ever-widening scandal to national front-page news.
The initial claims of sodden debauchery were made by respected national coaster expert and grammar wizard Xcrement, who stated “[t]hat site is so stupid, and probably run by a couple of drunks.” The rumor was dismissed outright the same night by the website’s Editor-in-Chief, who stated that “no member of my staff has ever been even remotely intoxicated,” immediately prior to belching loudly into the microphone.
The matter seemed to have been put to rest…until ARN&R was blindsided by Dateline, which sneaked cameras into a lurid party at Hugh Hefner’s AbsolutelyReliable Mansion this weekend. The news program gathered reel after reel of shocking material, of which several heavily edited excerpts were shown to the horrified American public.
Among the most Bacchanalian of ARN&R staff misadventures catalogued by Dateline were contributing writers WDL, RAS, and JCK beer-bonging Everclear with Hefner and frolicking in a Gin and Tonic pond with stark naked Jessica Alba, Jennifer Garner and Kristen Kreuk, while the Editor-in-Chief was seen simultaneously shotgunning three cases of Guinness while using a piping hot coat hanger to brand “ARN&R RULZ” on the buttocks of comely young blondes.
Although the ARN&R staff has refused to grant interviews following the startling footage, their lawyer Johnny Cochran has claimed in a written statement that “the case would be tried in a court, not on coaster message boards.”
--JCK
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Bush Fails To Mention Coaster Wars
In news that shocked coaster enthusiasts nationwide and worldwide, President Bush completely ignored the escalating coaster wars, instead focusing on mundane issues like the economy and possible war in Iraq.
"Sure, I can see why he'd mention jobs and the like, but what about Top Thrill Dragster?" queried Jim Bruckner, a sixteen-year-old from New York. "And what about the ongoing fight for domination between Cedar Point and Six Flags Magic Mountain? He must be a drunk!"
White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that the president sought to avoid adding fuel to the fire of the coaster races. "He just wants everyone to calm down and to get along. If he were to take sides, who knows where it would go?"
In news that shocked coaster enthusiasts nationwide and worldwide, President Bush completely ignored the escalating coaster wars, instead focusing on mundane issues like the economy and possible war in Iraq.
"Sure, I can see why he'd mention jobs and the like, but what about Top Thrill Dragster?" queried Jim Bruckner, a sixteen-year-old from New York. "And what about the ongoing fight for domination between Cedar Point and Six Flags Magic Mountain? He must be a drunk!"
White House sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that the president sought to avoid adding fuel to the fire of the coaster races. "He just wants everyone to calm down and to get along. If he were to take sides, who knows where it would go?"
Coasters: Cause of Terror, Ad Claims
A new front opened in the US 'war on terror' on Sunday as an ad campaign was launched during the Super Bowl. The ads aim to stop Americans from riding roller coasters because the thrill rides aid terror in the country's teenage enthusiasts' minds. Specifically, the ad seeks to cease all participation in hyper, giga and strata coasters.
In two spots scheduled to begin regular airing in February, philanthropist Huffin Puffington and his friends, who call themselves The Predeterminate Ones, try to plant the idea that riding the hot-selling mammoth coasters is not restful and quite chaotic.
One spot features a hapless coaster enthusiast named "George" climbing into his coaster vehicle while ominous music accompanies a theme park executive resembling Gary Story of Six Flags stepping into a limousine and a group of gum-chewing teenagers firing obscenities and insults into the air.
"This is George," a narrator says in a sing-song, lispy, little voice. "This is the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the chainlift of the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the crest of the chainlift, at the top of the hill, on the coaster that George chose to ride. And these are the dips and drops, and loops and helixes, and vertical Gs and lateral Gs on this coaster every time George chooses to ride."
"Tempered steel supports some terrible things. What kind of turbulence does your coaster get?" the ad concludes.
In a series of close-ups, the second ad explores the purported consequences of riding on foreign built coasters, juxtaposed with excuses people make for riding on them: "It's like I'm high as an airplane, Jack." "I like to sit up high." "I helped bring thump retro disco to German nightclubs." "It makes me feel funny." "I sent my children off for a while."
Affiliates of the Walt Disney Co.-owned ABC network in New York and Los Angeles have refused to air the ads because they are too controversial, Huffin Puffington said.
--RAS
A new front opened in the US 'war on terror' on Sunday as an ad campaign was launched during the Super Bowl. The ads aim to stop Americans from riding roller coasters because the thrill rides aid terror in the country's teenage enthusiasts' minds. Specifically, the ad seeks to cease all participation in hyper, giga and strata coasters.
In two spots scheduled to begin regular airing in February, philanthropist Huffin Puffington and his friends, who call themselves The Predeterminate Ones, try to plant the idea that riding the hot-selling mammoth coasters is not restful and quite chaotic.
One spot features a hapless coaster enthusiast named "George" climbing into his coaster vehicle while ominous music accompanies a theme park executive resembling Gary Story of Six Flags stepping into a limousine and a group of gum-chewing teenagers firing obscenities and insults into the air.
"This is George," a narrator says in a sing-song, lispy, little voice. "This is the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the chainlift of the coaster that George chose to ride. This is the crest of the chainlift, at the top of the hill, on the coaster that George chose to ride. And these are the dips and drops, and loops and helixes, and vertical Gs and lateral Gs on this coaster every time George chooses to ride."
"Tempered steel supports some terrible things. What kind of turbulence does your coaster get?" the ad concludes.
In a series of close-ups, the second ad explores the purported consequences of riding on foreign built coasters, juxtaposed with excuses people make for riding on them: "It's like I'm high as an airplane, Jack." "I like to sit up high." "I helped bring thump retro disco to German nightclubs." "It makes me feel funny." "I sent my children off for a while."
Affiliates of the Walt Disney Co.-owned ABC network in New York and Los Angeles have refused to air the ads because they are too controversial, Huffin Puffington said.
--RAS
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Breaking News: The Great Escape to be "One of Most Cleanest Six Flag Park Anywhere"
Sources also indicate to ARN&R: "ur all drunks"
According to ARN&R sources, whom we swear we are quoting verbatim, "[W]hy do you want to make jokes on Great Escape? It is a wonderful park, and you just go off and make jokes for it. When it become to Six Flags it will one of most cleanest Six Flags park anywhere, you will see cuz the staffs there are wonderful, and kind."
The source, who spoke on strict condition of anonymity (but we'll just call him or her "Ecks Phan") concluded, with one edit to keep our family-friendly image (hint: the source did not use the word "flange"): "So you did great job put up my quote, that is a wonderful comeback, but sadly you tried too hard to get back to me, you posted this quote cuz you know it's true. So everyone on this site, [flange] off, and leave Great Escape alone, go make jokes on yourself being a couple of drunks."
It is sad, indeed, and, taking the source's advice, we will henceforth change this site to being daily jokes about the fact that ARN&R's staff are all drunks. Thus:
A mushroom member of ARN&R's extensive writing staff walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom member of ARN&R's extensive writing staff says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Sources also indicate to ARN&R: "ur all drunks"
According to ARN&R sources, whom we swear we are quoting verbatim, "[W]hy do you want to make jokes on Great Escape? It is a wonderful park, and you just go off and make jokes for it. When it become to Six Flags it will one of most cleanest Six Flags park anywhere, you will see cuz the staffs there are wonderful, and kind."
The source, who spoke on strict condition of anonymity (but we'll just call him or her "Ecks Phan") concluded, with one edit to keep our family-friendly image (hint: the source did not use the word "flange"): "So you did great job put up my quote, that is a wonderful comeback, but sadly you tried too hard to get back to me, you posted this quote cuz you know it's true. So everyone on this site, [flange] off, and leave Great Escape alone, go make jokes on yourself being a couple of drunks."
It is sad, indeed, and, taking the source's advice, we will henceforth change this site to being daily jokes about the fact that ARN&R's staff are all drunks. Thus:
A mushroom member of ARN&R's extensive writing staff walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom member of ARN&R's extensive writing staff says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."
New Blacula Themed Park To Open
Smarting from a recent decision by investors to move the location of a proposed Dracula theme park to Bucharest, leaders of the town of Transylvania today announced their intention to create a Blacula-themed resort instead.
“Since conservationists and historians have blocked the creation of a Dracula park due to concerns over the tourism impact on the area, this leaves Transylvania in the lurch while filthy Romanians get loads of money from vampire fans,” said Vlad M. Payler, a Transylvanian spokesman. “At the city council meeting, we discussed alternate ways of earning money by capitalizing on the current vampire craze, and Blacula proved to be the logical choice. As they said back in 1972: He's black! He's beautiful! He's Blacula!”
Payler stated that preliminary plans called for a Scream Blacula, Scream rollercoaster, a Dracula’s Soul Brother simulator, and large areas themed to Dracula’s Castle and Los Angeles, the two main locations of action in the movie.
--JCK
Smarting from a recent decision by investors to move the location of a proposed Dracula theme park to Bucharest, leaders of the town of Transylvania today announced their intention to create a Blacula-themed resort instead.
“Since conservationists and historians have blocked the creation of a Dracula park due to concerns over the tourism impact on the area, this leaves Transylvania in the lurch while filthy Romanians get loads of money from vampire fans,” said Vlad M. Payler, a Transylvanian spokesman. “At the city council meeting, we discussed alternate ways of earning money by capitalizing on the current vampire craze, and Blacula proved to be the logical choice. As they said back in 1972: He's black! He's beautiful! He's Blacula!”
Payler stated that preliminary plans called for a Scream Blacula, Scream rollercoaster, a Dracula’s Soul Brother simulator, and large areas themed to Dracula’s Castle and Los Angeles, the two main locations of action in the movie.
--JCK
Monday, January 27, 2003
Guarantee a Lonely Rest of the Year
Are you one of the one-fifth of one percent of our audience with a significant other? Yes? Have we got some Valentine's Day gifts for you!
Why, you can buy her (or him, we suppose, but...ick) a very special thong or him or her some boxer shorts, each with a semi-witty graphic.
All proceeds go towards us.
Are you one of the one-fifth of one percent of our audience with a significant other? Yes? Have we got some Valentine's Day gifts for you!
Why, you can buy her (or him, we suppose, but...ick) a very special thong or him or her some boxer shorts, each with a semi-witty graphic.
All proceeds go towards us.
Paramount Parks to Add "Some Nickelodeon Crap"
In a press release notable for its melancholy tone, Paramount Parks announced that all of its parks would receive "some Nickelodeon crap," as well as "some sort of lame-ass Scooby Doo kids section."
"Park guests will be mildly interested to see the new 'You Can't Do That on Television!' section at each of the Paramount parks," declares the press release. "If they can get enough energy to get their fat asses off the benches and rouse their interest in something besides their goddamn GameBoys, they might also find our Scooby Doo 'Crazy Adventure' theme 75 square feet worthy of their attention for a few minutes."
The press release then contains twelve lines of open verse expressing great angst, generally themed around the author's envy of other park chains' ability to add huge new attractions, and three haiku focusing on the best places to drink heavily near each park.
It concludes: "Yes, indeed, Paramount Parks has again shown that our parks are the best parks in a two square-mile radius of any Paramount park. Old boring coasters and stupid new ones -- who the hell thought of Son of Beast, anyway? -- those are our hallmarks, and our guests love 'em, or at least generally refrain from violence and public defecation while in our parks."
"God, I hate my job."
In a press release notable for its melancholy tone, Paramount Parks announced that all of its parks would receive "some Nickelodeon crap," as well as "some sort of lame-ass Scooby Doo kids section."
"Park guests will be mildly interested to see the new 'You Can't Do That on Television!' section at each of the Paramount parks," declares the press release. "If they can get enough energy to get their fat asses off the benches and rouse their interest in something besides their goddamn GameBoys, they might also find our Scooby Doo 'Crazy Adventure' theme 75 square feet worthy of their attention for a few minutes."
The press release then contains twelve lines of open verse expressing great angst, generally themed around the author's envy of other park chains' ability to add huge new attractions, and three haiku focusing on the best places to drink heavily near each park.
It concludes: "Yes, indeed, Paramount Parks has again shown that our parks are the best parks in a two square-mile radius of any Paramount park. Old boring coasters and stupid new ones -- who the hell thought of Son of Beast, anyway? -- those are our hallmarks, and our guests love 'em, or at least generally refrain from violence and public defecation while in our parks."
"God, I hate my job."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)