Bush Insults French Coasters
The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.
Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”
French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”
Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”
--JCK
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Monday, February 10, 2003
Eastcoaster Ruined By Hot Chick
Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.
Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”
The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.
Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”
Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”
According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:
-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.
As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.
--JCK
Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.
Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”
The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.
Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”
Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”
According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:
-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.
As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.
--JCK
New Coaster Coasters To Be Unveiled
Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”
"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."
Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.
"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."
"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."
--RAS
[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]
Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”
"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."
Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.
"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."
"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."
--RAS
[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]
Saturday, February 08, 2003
Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend Finally Caught
Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.
“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”
ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”
“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”
Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”
When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”
--JCK
Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.
“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”
ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”
“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”
Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”
When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”
--JCK
Friday, February 07, 2003
Snow Thwarts Enthusiast
Though many residents of the northeastern US are enjoying a day off from work or school due to the substantial snowfall in the region, one coaster enthusiast is not so pleased.
Said Gary Morris, a twenty-year-old coaster fan from Perth Amboy, New Jersey, “this is quite simply a disaster. I run a really important website called Xtreme Shorecoaster, which focuses on the seaside parks of New Jersey. I’ve been driving down to Casino Pier in Seaside Heights every day to get pictures of all the construction there. All the loyal readers of my site will be pretty upset if I don’t follow up on the promise in my manifesto to ‘give you the latest and greatest scoop on construction for Casino Pier’s new Wisdom Moby Dick and Zamperla Rockin’ Tug every single day.’ My mom’s house is totally snowed in, and I’ll never be able to get to Seaside Heights today to get any daylight pictures of the L&T Mini Coaster. I’m screwed, man.”
Looking up and raising his hands toward the sky, Morris added, “Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?”
Experts note that Morris may have no reason to fear that he is letting his fans down, as he has an average of seventeen hits per week to Xtreme Shorecoaster, approximately the same number as ARN&R receives. The same experts also note that Morris “might like to hang out with friends once in a while, or even talk to a pretty girl if he feels up to it.”
[Correspondent’s Note: We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that we are not fulfilling our promise to make this website primarily jokes about how we are all drunks. With that in mind, we apologize and offer the following: A ham and cheese sandwich who works for ARN&R walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."]
--JCK
Though many residents of the northeastern US are enjoying a day off from work or school due to the substantial snowfall in the region, one coaster enthusiast is not so pleased.
Said Gary Morris, a twenty-year-old coaster fan from Perth Amboy, New Jersey, “this is quite simply a disaster. I run a really important website called Xtreme Shorecoaster, which focuses on the seaside parks of New Jersey. I’ve been driving down to Casino Pier in Seaside Heights every day to get pictures of all the construction there. All the loyal readers of my site will be pretty upset if I don’t follow up on the promise in my manifesto to ‘give you the latest and greatest scoop on construction for Casino Pier’s new Wisdom Moby Dick and Zamperla Rockin’ Tug every single day.’ My mom’s house is totally snowed in, and I’ll never be able to get to Seaside Heights today to get any daylight pictures of the L&T Mini Coaster. I’m screwed, man.”
Looking up and raising his hands toward the sky, Morris added, “Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?”
Experts note that Morris may have no reason to fear that he is letting his fans down, as he has an average of seventeen hits per week to Xtreme Shorecoaster, approximately the same number as ARN&R receives. The same experts also note that Morris “might like to hang out with friends once in a while, or even talk to a pretty girl if he feels up to it.”
[Correspondent’s Note: We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that we are not fulfilling our promise to make this website primarily jokes about how we are all drunks. With that in mind, we apologize and offer the following: A ham and cheese sandwich who works for ARN&R walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."]
--JCK
Thursday, February 06, 2003
Thrillride! Back Online; Panic Ensues Amongst Crappy Coaster Websites
Baltimore coaster enthusiast Darren Carr has a major project due at work this afternoon, but instead of completing his work, he is performing a task he considers more important. Carr is busy reorganizing his webpage bookmarks on Internet Explorer.
“Thrillnetwork. Gone. Themparkcritic.com. Gimmee a break. Coasterbuzz. What was I thinking? The Coaster Underground. Buh-bye.”
Carr is estimated to have deleted over 350 links to amusement park-related sites this morning alone, though he is far from done. “It’s just so easy, all of a sudden. I was so upset when Thrillride vanished, I basically bookmarked every single coaster site ever created in a desperate quest to find something interesting to read. I doubt I’ve visited ninety percent of these crap sites more than once. Lord, over twenty of them are on Geocities! Most are completely illegible and have pictures stolen from other websites. Now that Thrillride is back, there’s finally one site that uses fluent English, has a professional look, and features real news and good reviews.” Carr then returned to the laborious process of removing worthless sites like Coaster Land from his list.
Carr is far from alone. According to experts, thousands of coaster enthusiasts are following his lead and removing scores of useless and poorly written coaster fansites from their computers. But not everyone is happy with the return of Thrillride. In fact, owners of these terrible sites, which rushed to fill the two-year Thrillride void, are downright upset. Says G Force Coaster Site webmaster Joseph Foerster, “this is really unfortunate. Bob Coker may think he’s just returning to a popular website with exciting articles, fun features, and inside info, but I doubt he’s given the slightest thought to how it’s going to affect websites that butcher the English language, steal pictures from other sites, and post really stupid opinions.” Foerster added that he “might be forced to quit running a crap coaster site and do a Jennifer Love Hewitt fanpage instead.”
It’s now 12:30, and Darren Carr has completed the reorganization of his bookmarks. “Yep, that’s it. I’ve finally got it cut down to everything I need: Screamscape, Thrillride, Rollercoaster Database, and the Trip Report. Six hundred seventy-three awful sites gone. I still can’t decide whether to leave ARN&R on the bookmarks, though. They’re kind of funny, but once in a while, the information they post isn’t entirely accurate.”
--JCK
Baltimore coaster enthusiast Darren Carr has a major project due at work this afternoon, but instead of completing his work, he is performing a task he considers more important. Carr is busy reorganizing his webpage bookmarks on Internet Explorer.
“Thrillnetwork. Gone. Themparkcritic.com. Gimmee a break. Coasterbuzz. What was I thinking? The Coaster Underground. Buh-bye.”
Carr is estimated to have deleted over 350 links to amusement park-related sites this morning alone, though he is far from done. “It’s just so easy, all of a sudden. I was so upset when Thrillride vanished, I basically bookmarked every single coaster site ever created in a desperate quest to find something interesting to read. I doubt I’ve visited ninety percent of these crap sites more than once. Lord, over twenty of them are on Geocities! Most are completely illegible and have pictures stolen from other websites. Now that Thrillride is back, there’s finally one site that uses fluent English, has a professional look, and features real news and good reviews.” Carr then returned to the laborious process of removing worthless sites like Coaster Land from his list.
Carr is far from alone. According to experts, thousands of coaster enthusiasts are following his lead and removing scores of useless and poorly written coaster fansites from their computers. But not everyone is happy with the return of Thrillride. In fact, owners of these terrible sites, which rushed to fill the two-year Thrillride void, are downright upset. Says G Force Coaster Site webmaster Joseph Foerster, “this is really unfortunate. Bob Coker may think he’s just returning to a popular website with exciting articles, fun features, and inside info, but I doubt he’s given the slightest thought to how it’s going to affect websites that butcher the English language, steal pictures from other sites, and post really stupid opinions.” Foerster added that he “might be forced to quit running a crap coaster site and do a Jennifer Love Hewitt fanpage instead.”
It’s now 12:30, and Darren Carr has completed the reorganization of his bookmarks. “Yep, that’s it. I’ve finally got it cut down to everything I need: Screamscape, Thrillride, Rollercoaster Database, and the Trip Report. Six hundred seventy-three awful sites gone. I still can’t decide whether to leave ARN&R on the bookmarks, though. They’re kind of funny, but once in a while, the information they post isn’t entirely accurate.”
--JCK
Webmaster of StrataCoasterThrillz.com Sues Earthlink, Apple Computer.
Hans Scheisskopf, webmaster of StrataCoasterThillz.com, announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against the nation's second largest Internet Service Provider, Earthlink, and Apple Computer, claiming that their “anti pop up technology” was forcing him to go bankrupt.
Mr. Scheisskopf was quoted as saying “It’s very simple, the pop-up ads are there to annoy the hell out of visitors to my site in order to force them to spend $20 on my K00l K0a5ters Klub so they can get a paper card in return. They get the same benefits as people withpop-up ads, except they get a pop-up free version of the site, and a little 2x3 card professing their love for stratacoasterthrillz.com! By Earthlink providing every customer with anti-pop up tools and Apple Computer building into their new browser anti-pop up code, they are forcing me to have to sell my BMW 7 series and just settle for a BMW 5 series, which is totally unacceptable! They need to compensate me for my losses!”
When it was pointed out that not everyone could afford $20 to join a “k0a5ter klub” Mr. Scheisskopf violently flung feces at ARN&R's reporter, yelling “Nein! You are stealing from me!” After the reporter's protest, Scheisskopf pointed to an obscure point in his site's terms of service that expressly granted the site's owner permission to throw feces or other bodily fluids or substances at anyone questioning the value of the Klub.
Representatives for Apple Computer and Earthlink were not immediately available for comment.
--PM
Hans Scheisskopf, webmaster of StrataCoasterThillz.com, announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against the nation's second largest Internet Service Provider, Earthlink, and Apple Computer, claiming that their “anti pop up technology” was forcing him to go bankrupt.
Mr. Scheisskopf was quoted as saying “It’s very simple, the pop-up ads are there to annoy the hell out of visitors to my site in order to force them to spend $20 on my K00l K0a5ters Klub so they can get a paper card in return. They get the same benefits as people withpop-up ads, except they get a pop-up free version of the site, and a little 2x3 card professing their love for stratacoasterthrillz.com! By Earthlink providing every customer with anti-pop up tools and Apple Computer building into their new browser anti-pop up code, they are forcing me to have to sell my BMW 7 series and just settle for a BMW 5 series, which is totally unacceptable! They need to compensate me for my losses!”
When it was pointed out that not everyone could afford $20 to join a “k0a5ter klub” Mr. Scheisskopf violently flung feces at ARN&R's reporter, yelling “Nein! You are stealing from me!” After the reporter's protest, Scheisskopf pointed to an obscure point in his site's terms of service that expressly granted the site's owner permission to throw feces or other bodily fluids or substances at anyone questioning the value of the Klub.
Representatives for Apple Computer and Earthlink were not immediately available for comment.
--PM
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
American Coaster Enthusiasts Earn Rare Honor
Tuesday was a proud day for the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as they were granted a rare and distinguished honor. This morning, ACE was presented with only the third Lifetime Membership Award by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). Aside from being part of a very special group, ACE has the added distinction of being the first organization so honored.
IFOCE is a group dedicated to the promotion of competitive eating, a sport that features contests of gustatory endurance, volume, and speed. Professional “gurgitators” earn up to $50,000 in various sanctioned world contests, and the group hopes to achieve Olympic recognition and televised national tours to showcase the athletic achievements of IFOCE members.
Says IFOCE chairman George Shea, 38, “It’s the sport of Everyman…everyone eats, so everyone understands the athletic ability needed to eat enormous quantities of food in a short period of time.”
Shea added that “the Federation could think of no person or group more worthy of spreading our ideals of face-stuffing, shark-like feeding frenzy, and hypergluttony than the American Coaster Enthusiasts. At the 2001 CoasterCon at Hersheypark, 200 members of ACE polished off the amount of breakfast one morning that would normally serve 600. Then, while they were waiting for an ERT session to begin, some members broke into the ice cream stands and cabinets, polishing off every single crumb and ketchup packet Hershey owned. This year, Wild Adventures had a regional event, and they were forced to slaughter 103 pigs, 45 cattle, 213 chickens, and the entire Petting Zoo to keep ACE members from feasting upon the ride operators. And finally, despite the fact that ACE members decimated the sheep herd around The Ultimate on this year’s European Coaster Odyssey, not a single member suffered the shame of what we call a ‘food reversal.’ That’s skill, that’s class, and that’s good reason for this honor.”
ACE officers could not be located for comment, as apparently someone with the organization let the lease run out or forgot to pay rent or some such crap, resulting in the group having a temporary phone number and address in a battered outhouse somewhere in Kansas or something.
--JCK
Tuesday was a proud day for the American Coaster Enthusiasts, as they were granted a rare and distinguished honor. This morning, ACE was presented with only the third Lifetime Membership Award by the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). Aside from being part of a very special group, ACE has the added distinction of being the first organization so honored.
IFOCE is a group dedicated to the promotion of competitive eating, a sport that features contests of gustatory endurance, volume, and speed. Professional “gurgitators” earn up to $50,000 in various sanctioned world contests, and the group hopes to achieve Olympic recognition and televised national tours to showcase the athletic achievements of IFOCE members.
Says IFOCE chairman George Shea, 38, “It’s the sport of Everyman…everyone eats, so everyone understands the athletic ability needed to eat enormous quantities of food in a short period of time.”
Shea added that “the Federation could think of no person or group more worthy of spreading our ideals of face-stuffing, shark-like feeding frenzy, and hypergluttony than the American Coaster Enthusiasts. At the 2001 CoasterCon at Hersheypark, 200 members of ACE polished off the amount of breakfast one morning that would normally serve 600. Then, while they were waiting for an ERT session to begin, some members broke into the ice cream stands and cabinets, polishing off every single crumb and ketchup packet Hershey owned. This year, Wild Adventures had a regional event, and they were forced to slaughter 103 pigs, 45 cattle, 213 chickens, and the entire Petting Zoo to keep ACE members from feasting upon the ride operators. And finally, despite the fact that ACE members decimated the sheep herd around The Ultimate on this year’s European Coaster Odyssey, not a single member suffered the shame of what we call a ‘food reversal.’ That’s skill, that’s class, and that’s good reason for this honor.”
ACE officers could not be located for comment, as apparently someone with the organization let the lease run out or forgot to pay rent or some such crap, resulting in the group having a temporary phone number and address in a battered outhouse somewhere in Kansas or something.
--JCK
Sunday, February 02, 2003
PTC to Branch Out
Tom Rebbie of Philadelphia Toboggan Coasters has invited ACE back to the PTC factory on the 10th Anniversary of the original ACE tour in 1993, and many enthusiasts are wondering what, if anything, will be announced at the tour. Rumors have been swirling furiously around the town of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, that there is big news regarding a totally new direction for the company long involved in wide-ranging aspects of roller coaster design and construction. In recent years, the company has restricted its business to building roller coaster trains.
But now, there is big news, ARN&R can exclusively confirm. Tom Rebbie has noticed how the new Chrysler PT Cruisers have performed in sales over their first couple years, and the growth of sales of suburban utility vehicles has been well documented. Apparently, PTC believes that there is room for one more manufacturer in the US automotive industry! Dubbed the PTC Cruiser, it's a hybrid roller coaster train/automobile that "offers all the luxurious accommodations that coaster enthusiasts have come to love in our trains, and all the benefits of an SUV," according to Rebbie in an interview. Draft company promotional literature reveals that the PTC Cruiser will seat six, two per row in three rows.
Featuring an airbag in each row and well-padded seats with dividers, the vehicles will weigh approximately 2.2 tons apiece. The vehicles will get about 8 miles per gallon in the city and 12 on the highway, but considerably more on downhill inclines.
"What really makes our cars unique," said Rebbie, "is that they can be coupled together just like our coaster trains, perfect for those big family vacations! Furthermore, they are approved by the federal government to run on standard train tracks, since the undercarriage features wheels of appropriate dimensions accessible when the tires are removed. These are the vehicles of the 21st century."
--WDL
Tom Rebbie of Philadelphia Toboggan Coasters has invited ACE back to the PTC factory on the 10th Anniversary of the original ACE tour in 1993, and many enthusiasts are wondering what, if anything, will be announced at the tour. Rumors have been swirling furiously around the town of Lansdale, Pennsylvania, that there is big news regarding a totally new direction for the company long involved in wide-ranging aspects of roller coaster design and construction. In recent years, the company has restricted its business to building roller coaster trains.
But now, there is big news, ARN&R can exclusively confirm. Tom Rebbie has noticed how the new Chrysler PT Cruisers have performed in sales over their first couple years, and the growth of sales of suburban utility vehicles has been well documented. Apparently, PTC believes that there is room for one more manufacturer in the US automotive industry! Dubbed the PTC Cruiser, it's a hybrid roller coaster train/automobile that "offers all the luxurious accommodations that coaster enthusiasts have come to love in our trains, and all the benefits of an SUV," according to Rebbie in an interview. Draft company promotional literature reveals that the PTC Cruiser will seat six, two per row in three rows.
Featuring an airbag in each row and well-padded seats with dividers, the vehicles will weigh approximately 2.2 tons apiece. The vehicles will get about 8 miles per gallon in the city and 12 on the highway, but considerably more on downhill inclines.
"What really makes our cars unique," said Rebbie, "is that they can be coupled together just like our coaster trains, perfect for those big family vacations! Furthermore, they are approved by the federal government to run on standard train tracks, since the undercarriage features wheels of appropriate dimensions accessible when the tires are removed. These are the vehicles of the 21st century."
--WDL
Friday, January 31, 2003
Reality TV Coasts To A New Era
In today’s television market, reality shows such as American Idol, Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and Survivor dominate the Nielsens and the advertising dollars. Still, producers are always hard at work looking to find a new spin on the trend in order to keep the genre fresh and the revenue flowing in. This spring, Fox Network will continue targeting large and influential markets with a decidedly coaster enthusiast-influenced set of reality shows.
The first of the new breed of reality shows to debut will be Dork Island, which, while not totally coaster-based, will feature an enthusiast amongst its cast. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “A widely diverse group of complete and utter wankers will face off in a series of tests and games each week, after which the Geek Council will meet to throw one member off the island. An added bonus will be the fact that, when the contestant is removed from play, he will actually be locked in a room with his old (or current) high school bullies, who will be free to mock and administer wedgies to him on camera. Dork Island will feature a guy who collects Star Wars dolls, a Magic card player, this Goth dude who pretends he’s a vampire, a D&D Gamemaster, this putz who runs 50 different sports fantasy leagues, a MSTie, a computer games tester, and of course a coaster enthusiast. The show will begin in late February.”
Says enthusiast Jack Bauer, “they better not have gotten some enthusiast who likes crappy coasters. I bet he says Beast is his favorite. That (obscenity) probably even likes Boomerangs.”
Other media watchdogs are also wary of the new show. “Fox sucks worse than a night in a Bantha stable,” said Pete Budryk, a Star Wars enthusiast. “How real is a reality show if they don’t get the facts right? They actually have a Dork Island without including Trekkies? Those guys are the real goobers. I’ll bet Fox wouldn’t be thinking the True Fans were ‘dorks’ if Kir Kanos was trying out some Echani moves on their asses.”
Budryk also added that he, for one, does not collect Star Wars dolls. “They’re twelve inch pose-able action figures. Get it right.”
Premiering in late April will be Fox’s first show devoted entirely to coaster enthusiasts. American Coaster Designer will follow a format similar to the current, American Idol. Thirty-two unknown coaster designers will be featured in auditions, performances, and showcases, with the winner receiving money and a contract to design a new roller coaster at Castles and Coasters Park in Arizona. Online voting determines who is removed weekly.
Aside from seeing the exploits of the bold young wanna-be stars, interest in the show is helped with the use of charismatic judges. Head judge Simon Cowell delights audiences by cruelly insulting the designers. In a preview clip shown to reviewers, Cowell is heard to inform one designer, “These banked curves bring shame upon the human race,” “This ride looks like a pile of horse excrement,” and “You are the single worst coaster designer in the history of the planet.” Other judges are Stan Checketts of S&S, Gravity Group’s Larry Bill, and Thrillride’s Bob Coker.
Not yet in production, but tentatively scheduled for an early summer run of 10 shows is Joe Coaster Enthusiast, where 30 gold-digging whores compete for the attentions and hand in marriage of Walter Bolliger of B&M, one of the world’s most respected coaster firms. The twist Fox plans for this show is to trick the whores into thinking a New York enthusiast with a simian-level intellect, a GeoCities website, and no employment is actually Walter Bolliger.
Says Swank, “When one of those money grubbing sluts finds out that instead of bedding and wedding one of the world’s preeminent coaster technicians, she’s actually offering herself to a complete moron, who, incidentally, thinks the Chiller is the best ride ever created, sparks are sure going to fly!”
--JCK
In today’s television market, reality shows such as American Idol, Temptation Island, Joe Millionaire, and Survivor dominate the Nielsens and the advertising dollars. Still, producers are always hard at work looking to find a new spin on the trend in order to keep the genre fresh and the revenue flowing in. This spring, Fox Network will continue targeting large and influential markets with a decidedly coaster enthusiast-influenced set of reality shows.
The first of the new breed of reality shows to debut will be Dork Island, which, while not totally coaster-based, will feature an enthusiast amongst its cast. Says Fox representative Ryan Swank, “A widely diverse group of complete and utter wankers will face off in a series of tests and games each week, after which the Geek Council will meet to throw one member off the island. An added bonus will be the fact that, when the contestant is removed from play, he will actually be locked in a room with his old (or current) high school bullies, who will be free to mock and administer wedgies to him on camera. Dork Island will feature a guy who collects Star Wars dolls, a Magic card player, this Goth dude who pretends he’s a vampire, a D&D Gamemaster, this putz who runs 50 different sports fantasy leagues, a MSTie, a computer games tester, and of course a coaster enthusiast. The show will begin in late February.”
Says enthusiast Jack Bauer, “they better not have gotten some enthusiast who likes crappy coasters. I bet he says Beast is his favorite. That (obscenity) probably even likes Boomerangs.”
Other media watchdogs are also wary of the new show. “Fox sucks worse than a night in a Bantha stable,” said Pete Budryk, a Star Wars enthusiast. “How real is a reality show if they don’t get the facts right? They actually have a Dork Island without including Trekkies? Those guys are the real goobers. I’ll bet Fox wouldn’t be thinking the True Fans were ‘dorks’ if Kir Kanos was trying out some Echani moves on their asses.”
Budryk also added that he, for one, does not collect Star Wars dolls. “They’re twelve inch pose-able action figures. Get it right.”
Premiering in late April will be Fox’s first show devoted entirely to coaster enthusiasts. American Coaster Designer will follow a format similar to the current, American Idol. Thirty-two unknown coaster designers will be featured in auditions, performances, and showcases, with the winner receiving money and a contract to design a new roller coaster at Castles and Coasters Park in Arizona. Online voting determines who is removed weekly.
Aside from seeing the exploits of the bold young wanna-be stars, interest in the show is helped with the use of charismatic judges. Head judge Simon Cowell delights audiences by cruelly insulting the designers. In a preview clip shown to reviewers, Cowell is heard to inform one designer, “These banked curves bring shame upon the human race,” “This ride looks like a pile of horse excrement,” and “You are the single worst coaster designer in the history of the planet.” Other judges are Stan Checketts of S&S, Gravity Group’s Larry Bill, and Thrillride’s Bob Coker.
Not yet in production, but tentatively scheduled for an early summer run of 10 shows is Joe Coaster Enthusiast, where 30 gold-digging whores compete for the attentions and hand in marriage of Walter Bolliger of B&M, one of the world’s most respected coaster firms. The twist Fox plans for this show is to trick the whores into thinking a New York enthusiast with a simian-level intellect, a GeoCities website, and no employment is actually Walter Bolliger.
Says Swank, “When one of those money grubbing sluts finds out that instead of bedding and wedding one of the world’s preeminent coaster technicians, she’s actually offering herself to a complete moron, who, incidentally, thinks the Chiller is the best ride ever created, sparks are sure going to fly!”
--JCK
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