Couple Divorced on Coaster
History was made this past weekend, as what is believed to be the first on-coaster divorce took place at Six Flags Magic Mountain. The unhappy couple, Elana Hoffman, 30, and Lawrence Mullet, 35, dissolved their vows at 3:45 PM this past Saturday on the park’s Colossus racing coaster.
Said enthusiast Mike Falkowski, 29, “every darn week some couple thinks it’s cute and oh-so-original to have a wedding on a roller coaster, and it always means I get stuck waiting in line for the morons to get finished with their vows, the ceremonial ride, and the bouquet and/or cookie tossing. I’ve had to wait for stupid people to wed on Kraken, Raptor, Nitro, and Giant Dipper this year already. Enough! It isn’t unique and cool, and it’s damn sure not Xtreme, okay?”
When it was pointed out to Falkowski that the couple on Colossus was formalizing a divorce rather than getting married, Falkowski yelled “yeah! Now that I can wait in line for!”
The ceremony took place with great fanfare, as the opposing parties marched in to the Colossus station under colorful banners to the pumping sounds of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” and Guns ‘n’ Roses’s “Used to Love Her.” The non-bride and her group sat on the train on the left side of the station, while the non-groom and his group took the right. The lead car of each train featured a future non-spouse and three lawyers, while the remainder of the trains consisted of friends of the two divorcees. Mullet’s train was filled to the rim with large, drunken former frat buddies, while Hoffman’s featured only six catty girlfriends and family members. The divorce became official once the trains diverged and swooped around the far turnarounds of Colossus.
ARN&R was able to gain exclusive interviews with both members of the non-couple while the ride was in progress. According to Mullet, “man, this will be a weight off my shoulders. That little tramp is the most manipulative bitch on the entire planet. She lies constantly, spends all my money on shoes, and has no sense of personal hygiene. She’s also a slut…I’ve caught her sleeping around on me at least five different times, and she gave me a vicious case of herpes that’s flaring up right as we speak. Good riddance to that whore.”
Mullet then added, “Whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Retorted Hoffman, “my former husband is a complete lazy slob. He leaves clothes around, pees all over the bathroom floor, and hangs out drinking with his idiot friends. He’s just a stupid Nebraska hick who can’t hold a conversation. And I only found companionship with other men and women because he’s terrible in bed. He couldn’t even get it up most of the time. He also gets way too angry…I apologized at least two or three times for giving him herpes and the clap, but he just wouldn’t let it go. Damn, this coaster is slow! And who do I have to screw to get some airtime?”
The race back to the station for first place became one of great importance, with passengers in both trains taunting each other and making whipping motions at their Morgan trains in an effort to speed them along. Mullet’s train proved victorious, although Hoffman pointed out that “all the extra weight on his side couldn’t have hurt.”
“This has been a traumatic experience for all people involved,” stated Mullet’s primary lawyer, Anna Jetter. "All the acrimony, the vicious squabbling over money and blame…we all figured marking the end of a very unsuccessful marriage with a special ceremony was appropriate. Particularly if that ceremony enabled me to rack up as many new coaster credits as this park does!”
In what may be step up in the battle for theme park supremacy, Islands of Adventure has already stated that Magic Mountain’s coaster divorce was a feeble publicity stunt. Says IOA rep Sandy Pak, “we’re going to show how a coaster divorce is really done. Ours will be a true media event. The actual divorce case will be handled by the really rude talking fountain in the Lost Continent. Then the bickering couple will board the coaster. Instead of using a racing coaster, we will put our celebrants on Dueling Dragons…the divorce becomes final when the trains separate right after the lift, then the divorce parties can amuse themselves yelling insults, giving the finger, and spitting at each other as the trains go through their dueling elements. Jerry Springer will host the event on live TV.”
The Magic Mountain divorce was protested by a group of ACE members, who demanded that Colossus be run as an actual racer all the time, instead of just for special divorce celebrations. Reports that Six Flags officials leaned out their windows and threw urine upon the protesters have not been confirmed at this time.
--JCK
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Michael Jackson Under Fire Again
Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.
“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”
“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”
Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”
Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”
Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”
Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”
Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.
--JCK
Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.
“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”
“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”
Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”
Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”
Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”
Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”
Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.
--JCK
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Hell Freezes Over
Breaking News
To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.
“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”
After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”
“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.
[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]
--JCK
Breaking News
To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.
“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”
After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”
“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.
[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]
--JCK
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Bush Insults French Coasters
The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.
Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”
French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”
Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”
--JCK
The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.
Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”
French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”
Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”
--JCK
Monday, February 10, 2003
Eastcoaster Ruined By Hot Chick
Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.
Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”
The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.
Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”
Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”
According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:
-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.
As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.
--JCK
Numerous members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were looking forward to this year’s Eastcoaster event at the Holiday Inn and Conference Center in Fogelsville, Pennsylvania. Although this mid-winter event features no actual coaster riding, the combination of park presentations, videos, and, of course, free food, makes this a popular annual tradition. According to numerous sources close to ARN&R, however, this year’s Eastcoaster was “completely ruined” by the presence of a hot chick.
Witnesses say the hot chick was a “huge distraction.” Says Kevin Carlyle, 38, “she walked in and the whole place just shut down. These three guys knocked over two sales tables because they snapped their necks around so hard to look at the hot chick. All the guys were stammering and dropping things any time she got within twelve feet. Everyone kept dribbling chili all over their shirts because they couldn’t focus on anything else. We just aren’t used to seeing righteous babes like this at an ACE event.”
The hot chick has been identified as Kelly Kvandal, 24, an actress from New York City. She has ridden 67 roller coasters in her four years as an enthusiast, and, according to sources who were making feeble attempts to hit on her, appears not to have a boyfriend. Experts in the field of sexy babes inform ARN&R that Kvandal has blue eyes, very dark straight hair, and a body reminiscent of Alyssa Milano’s.
Tim Stafford, 17, notes that “we'd never had a 'ten' show up to a coaster gathering before. There was this reasonably cute chick that all of us followed around like pathetic puppy dogs for years, but she showed up at a park event last year with a rock the size of Gibraltar on her finger, so we basically gave up on ever getting any play with hot coaster babes. Then this sweet-ass girl came to Eastcoaster. I’m in love all over again, dude.”
Psychologist Janice Tarter claims that this sort of behavior is unavoidable. “We call this the ‘Attractive Woman Appearing at a Sausagefest Paradigm.’ None of these guys have ever before met such a hot chick that also likes coasters. Actually, now that I think about it, most of them have never once spoken to any girls anywhere else, either. It confuses them, and they act like what we in the psychology field call ‘imbeciles.’ Each and every one of the fourteen straight males at this conference of two hundred enthusiasts made a pathetic attempt to hit on this poor young lady. It’s disgraceful.”
According to male ACE members, none of the following pick-up lines proved remotely successful in convincing Kvandal to engage in sexual acts of any sort:
-I’ve got a woody that’s sure to make your top five.
-That ACE jacket looks real nice on you. It would look even better balled up on the floor next to the stained mattress in front of my Playstation.
-I can give you more airtime than the Phoenix, baby.
-My mom isn’t home right now…
-You don’t need a ThrustAir; you’ve got a ThrustScott right here.
-Exclusive Ride Time? Come out to my ’76 Chevy Vega in the parking lot and I’ll give you five
minutes of it right there.
-How bout you come back to my room and I make your timbers shiver?
-Busch Gardens named the Python after me, sweetcakes.
-Hey, toots. Wanna try out Todd: The Ride?
-Come over here and be my individual ratcheting lapbar.
As a public service announcement, the ARN&R staff speculates that these lines may prove ineffectual during attempts to seduce attractive women, and recommends that enthusiasts avoid making use of them in the future.
--JCK
New Coaster Coasters To Be Unveiled
Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”
"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."
Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.
"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."
"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."
--RAS
[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]
Revel Custom Imprints has announced a new line of products called Coaster Beverage Coasters. According to a company brochure, “these coasters will feature coasters from classic wooden coasters to steel mega giant coasters and will protect any surface from condensation rings caused by cold drink beverages.”
"Our coaster coasters will feature designs of famous coasters from Anaconda to Zonga (formerly known as Thriller and/or Texas Tornado) and will hold beverages up to 32 ounces," states Revel's VP of Public Fulfillment Barbara Vanderhoffen. "Our soft coaster coasters are made from the same material as our mouse pads. If you are allergic to latex, beware. Our hard coaster coasters are made from hardboard or plastic."
Revel Custom Imprints, considered to be at the forefront of anti-condensation technology by leading moisture experts, has been creating custom imprint items for the past 13 days.
"I've ordered a whole set of Vekoma Coaster Coasters," claims enthusiast Brent Diddledoe. "They'll look fine next to my Schwarzkopf mini-magnets I ordered from Revel a few days ago."
"We are X-tremely X-cited by Revel's bold revelation of custom coaster coasters," states Six Flags spokesperson Mark Stephenson. "This can be yet another addition to the onride coaster photo selection we offer, along with keychains and picture frames. Imagine…owning your very own onride coaster coaster... er ... coaster."
--RAS
[Editor’s note: Don't forget about all the crap we have to offer at the ARN&R Online Shoppe. We may not have coaster coasters, but we’ve got bunches of Beast thongs and suet buffet bibs priced to move now.]
Saturday, February 08, 2003
Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend Finally Caught
Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.
“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”
ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”
“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”
Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”
When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”
--JCK
Pealing church bells and shots from cannons punctuated the tremendous number of street celebrations led by enthusiastic ACE members today, as news was leaked that the infamous European Coaster Odyssey Bathroom Fiend was finally caught. INTERPOL officials used a battering ram to obtain entrance to a Paris hotel room occupied on vacation by Rhode Island ACE member Jason Maxwell, 45. According to American government officials, Maxwell will be brought to the United States for trial as early as the beginning of next week.
“This is a day that will long be remembered,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “After being affronted by this not-so-suave international villain the entire two-week trip, we will now have the chance to see justice done. No one should be allowed to make others sit in proximity to an odor so abominable it blisters paint and wilts nose hairs.”
ACE member Phil Wright told ARN&R a sad story of terror and woe echoed by most other enthusiasts interviewed. “Just imagine sitting on a bus with dozens of sweaty, minimally-washed enthusiasts, trekking from park to park. Bad enough, right? Now, try to picture what happens when some guy, whom we call The Bathroom Fiend, keeps slipping into the little bus bathroom to do number two. Let me assure you, when the air conditioning gives out and someone’s unleashed the gruesome toxic stench of three days of hot dogs, Mickey D’s, and Mueslix into a little tin can, it’s a horror worse than death.”
“I was always trying to cram one last ride in, which usually stuck me right at the back of that nasty bus when we left,” said Alice Templeton. “Some jerk just obliterated that little bathroom twice a day, and we never caught him. There are bathrooms in every park and hotel, and those have soap and fresh water, too. Why would anyone feel the need to leave the group just to come stink up our vehicle like it's a hog farm? I mean, it smelled like frickin’ Gary, Indiana back there!”
Maxwell may face serious charges in the United States once he comes before a judge. Said President George W. Bush, “we will not tolerate the possessionation of biological weapons, and Jason Maxwell’s use of more than three metric tons of methane agents means that he is a serious and deadlious figure that we must deal with harshly and with hasteness, to preventify others from imposing their smells upon lovers of freedom.”
When asked for comment, Maxwell refused to answer, except to say that he “meant to light a match.”
--JCK
Friday, February 07, 2003
Snow Thwarts Enthusiast
Though many residents of the northeastern US are enjoying a day off from work or school due to the substantial snowfall in the region, one coaster enthusiast is not so pleased.
Said Gary Morris, a twenty-year-old coaster fan from Perth Amboy, New Jersey, “this is quite simply a disaster. I run a really important website called Xtreme Shorecoaster, which focuses on the seaside parks of New Jersey. I’ve been driving down to Casino Pier in Seaside Heights every day to get pictures of all the construction there. All the loyal readers of my site will be pretty upset if I don’t follow up on the promise in my manifesto to ‘give you the latest and greatest scoop on construction for Casino Pier’s new Wisdom Moby Dick and Zamperla Rockin’ Tug every single day.’ My mom’s house is totally snowed in, and I’ll never be able to get to Seaside Heights today to get any daylight pictures of the L&T Mini Coaster. I’m screwed, man.”
Looking up and raising his hands toward the sky, Morris added, “Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?”
Experts note that Morris may have no reason to fear that he is letting his fans down, as he has an average of seventeen hits per week to Xtreme Shorecoaster, approximately the same number as ARN&R receives. The same experts also note that Morris “might like to hang out with friends once in a while, or even talk to a pretty girl if he feels up to it.”
[Correspondent’s Note: We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that we are not fulfilling our promise to make this website primarily jokes about how we are all drunks. With that in mind, we apologize and offer the following: A ham and cheese sandwich who works for ARN&R walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."]
--JCK
Though many residents of the northeastern US are enjoying a day off from work or school due to the substantial snowfall in the region, one coaster enthusiast is not so pleased.
Said Gary Morris, a twenty-year-old coaster fan from Perth Amboy, New Jersey, “this is quite simply a disaster. I run a really important website called Xtreme Shorecoaster, which focuses on the seaside parks of New Jersey. I’ve been driving down to Casino Pier in Seaside Heights every day to get pictures of all the construction there. All the loyal readers of my site will be pretty upset if I don’t follow up on the promise in my manifesto to ‘give you the latest and greatest scoop on construction for Casino Pier’s new Wisdom Moby Dick and Zamperla Rockin’ Tug every single day.’ My mom’s house is totally snowed in, and I’ll never be able to get to Seaside Heights today to get any daylight pictures of the L&T Mini Coaster. I’m screwed, man.”
Looking up and raising his hands toward the sky, Morris added, “Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?”
Experts note that Morris may have no reason to fear that he is letting his fans down, as he has an average of seventeen hits per week to Xtreme Shorecoaster, approximately the same number as ARN&R receives. The same experts also note that Morris “might like to hang out with friends once in a while, or even talk to a pretty girl if he feels up to it.”
[Correspondent’s Note: We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that we are not fulfilling our promise to make this website primarily jokes about how we are all drunks. With that in mind, we apologize and offer the following: A ham and cheese sandwich who works for ARN&R walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."]
--JCK
Thursday, February 06, 2003
Thrillride! Back Online; Panic Ensues Amongst Crappy Coaster Websites
Baltimore coaster enthusiast Darren Carr has a major project due at work this afternoon, but instead of completing his work, he is performing a task he considers more important. Carr is busy reorganizing his webpage bookmarks on Internet Explorer.
“Thrillnetwork. Gone. Themparkcritic.com. Gimmee a break. Coasterbuzz. What was I thinking? The Coaster Underground. Buh-bye.”
Carr is estimated to have deleted over 350 links to amusement park-related sites this morning alone, though he is far from done. “It’s just so easy, all of a sudden. I was so upset when Thrillride vanished, I basically bookmarked every single coaster site ever created in a desperate quest to find something interesting to read. I doubt I’ve visited ninety percent of these crap sites more than once. Lord, over twenty of them are on Geocities! Most are completely illegible and have pictures stolen from other websites. Now that Thrillride is back, there’s finally one site that uses fluent English, has a professional look, and features real news and good reviews.” Carr then returned to the laborious process of removing worthless sites like Coaster Land from his list.
Carr is far from alone. According to experts, thousands of coaster enthusiasts are following his lead and removing scores of useless and poorly written coaster fansites from their computers. But not everyone is happy with the return of Thrillride. In fact, owners of these terrible sites, which rushed to fill the two-year Thrillride void, are downright upset. Says G Force Coaster Site webmaster Joseph Foerster, “this is really unfortunate. Bob Coker may think he’s just returning to a popular website with exciting articles, fun features, and inside info, but I doubt he’s given the slightest thought to how it’s going to affect websites that butcher the English language, steal pictures from other sites, and post really stupid opinions.” Foerster added that he “might be forced to quit running a crap coaster site and do a Jennifer Love Hewitt fanpage instead.”
It’s now 12:30, and Darren Carr has completed the reorganization of his bookmarks. “Yep, that’s it. I’ve finally got it cut down to everything I need: Screamscape, Thrillride, Rollercoaster Database, and the Trip Report. Six hundred seventy-three awful sites gone. I still can’t decide whether to leave ARN&R on the bookmarks, though. They’re kind of funny, but once in a while, the information they post isn’t entirely accurate.”
--JCK
Baltimore coaster enthusiast Darren Carr has a major project due at work this afternoon, but instead of completing his work, he is performing a task he considers more important. Carr is busy reorganizing his webpage bookmarks on Internet Explorer.
“Thrillnetwork. Gone. Themparkcritic.com. Gimmee a break. Coasterbuzz. What was I thinking? The Coaster Underground. Buh-bye.”
Carr is estimated to have deleted over 350 links to amusement park-related sites this morning alone, though he is far from done. “It’s just so easy, all of a sudden. I was so upset when Thrillride vanished, I basically bookmarked every single coaster site ever created in a desperate quest to find something interesting to read. I doubt I’ve visited ninety percent of these crap sites more than once. Lord, over twenty of them are on Geocities! Most are completely illegible and have pictures stolen from other websites. Now that Thrillride is back, there’s finally one site that uses fluent English, has a professional look, and features real news and good reviews.” Carr then returned to the laborious process of removing worthless sites like Coaster Land from his list.
Carr is far from alone. According to experts, thousands of coaster enthusiasts are following his lead and removing scores of useless and poorly written coaster fansites from their computers. But not everyone is happy with the return of Thrillride. In fact, owners of these terrible sites, which rushed to fill the two-year Thrillride void, are downright upset. Says G Force Coaster Site webmaster Joseph Foerster, “this is really unfortunate. Bob Coker may think he’s just returning to a popular website with exciting articles, fun features, and inside info, but I doubt he’s given the slightest thought to how it’s going to affect websites that butcher the English language, steal pictures from other sites, and post really stupid opinions.” Foerster added that he “might be forced to quit running a crap coaster site and do a Jennifer Love Hewitt fanpage instead.”
It’s now 12:30, and Darren Carr has completed the reorganization of his bookmarks. “Yep, that’s it. I’ve finally got it cut down to everything I need: Screamscape, Thrillride, Rollercoaster Database, and the Trip Report. Six hundred seventy-three awful sites gone. I still can’t decide whether to leave ARN&R on the bookmarks, though. They’re kind of funny, but once in a while, the information they post isn’t entirely accurate.”
--JCK
Webmaster of StrataCoasterThrillz.com Sues Earthlink, Apple Computer.
Hans Scheisskopf, webmaster of StrataCoasterThillz.com, announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against the nation's second largest Internet Service Provider, Earthlink, and Apple Computer, claiming that their “anti pop up technology” was forcing him to go bankrupt.
Mr. Scheisskopf was quoted as saying “It’s very simple, the pop-up ads are there to annoy the hell out of visitors to my site in order to force them to spend $20 on my K00l K0a5ters Klub so they can get a paper card in return. They get the same benefits as people withpop-up ads, except they get a pop-up free version of the site, and a little 2x3 card professing their love for stratacoasterthrillz.com! By Earthlink providing every customer with anti-pop up tools and Apple Computer building into their new browser anti-pop up code, they are forcing me to have to sell my BMW 7 series and just settle for a BMW 5 series, which is totally unacceptable! They need to compensate me for my losses!”
When it was pointed out that not everyone could afford $20 to join a “k0a5ter klub” Mr. Scheisskopf violently flung feces at ARN&R's reporter, yelling “Nein! You are stealing from me!” After the reporter's protest, Scheisskopf pointed to an obscure point in his site's terms of service that expressly granted the site's owner permission to throw feces or other bodily fluids or substances at anyone questioning the value of the Klub.
Representatives for Apple Computer and Earthlink were not immediately available for comment.
--PM
Hans Scheisskopf, webmaster of StrataCoasterThillz.com, announced today that he has filed a lawsuit against the nation's second largest Internet Service Provider, Earthlink, and Apple Computer, claiming that their “anti pop up technology” was forcing him to go bankrupt.
Mr. Scheisskopf was quoted as saying “It’s very simple, the pop-up ads are there to annoy the hell out of visitors to my site in order to force them to spend $20 on my K00l K0a5ters Klub so they can get a paper card in return. They get the same benefits as people withpop-up ads, except they get a pop-up free version of the site, and a little 2x3 card professing their love for stratacoasterthrillz.com! By Earthlink providing every customer with anti-pop up tools and Apple Computer building into their new browser anti-pop up code, they are forcing me to have to sell my BMW 7 series and just settle for a BMW 5 series, which is totally unacceptable! They need to compensate me for my losses!”
When it was pointed out that not everyone could afford $20 to join a “k0a5ter klub” Mr. Scheisskopf violently flung feces at ARN&R's reporter, yelling “Nein! You are stealing from me!” After the reporter's protest, Scheisskopf pointed to an obscure point in his site's terms of service that expressly granted the site's owner permission to throw feces or other bodily fluids or substances at anyone questioning the value of the Klub.
Representatives for Apple Computer and Earthlink were not immediately available for comment.
--PM
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