ARN&R Nominated for Academy Award
Or Possibly OnRideCentral Site of the Year
Despite the Fact that It's March
Go vote for us. We really want to be on the pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Thursday, February 27, 2003
ACE Government-In-Exile Proudly Defies Minions of Evil
The Executive Committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts announced to its membership this week that it is intact and striving to serve worldwide coaster fans. This came as a welcome relief to many members of the club, who feared all office-holders and editors associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts had fled the country in the wake of a massive governmental overthrow by renegade coaster lovers.
According to the ACE website, “ACE has been informed that its management company has decided to cease doing business at the end of January. ACE's Executive Committee has taken steps to ensure that this action will have minimal impact upon our members and is currently searching for a new management firm. However, the processing time for membership renewals and applications may be slightly higher than normal.” This disturbing announcement was alleged by ACE to be mere cover for a more sinister situation. Although most members of the group thought the organization had been consistently failing to respond to applications or deliver magazines in a timely fashion for no good damn reason, ACE's executive branch declared that, in reality, a brutal coup d’etat toppled the ACE government back in January.
From the ACE Temporary Headquarters, located in a tipped-over, rusting outhouse in eastern Kansas, leaders of the ACE Government-In-Exile issued a terse statement that “ACE will seek revenge upon those who have oppressed us and removed us from our home in lovely Overland Park. We will reclaim our offices, take back our primacy in coaster affairs, and start getting magazines and flyers out within two or three months of when they are alleged to be. Oh, and also, please note that ACE's office has a new, temporary address and fax number.”
The new temporary address for the American Coaster Enthusiasts is presented below as a public service announcement by ARN&R:
American Coaster Enthusiasts
Rusted Outhouse and Two Tents “Borrowed” From Super K-Mart
Right Behind Farmer Brown’s Briar Patch
No, Not Farmer Ezekiel Brown, It’s Actually Farmer Doogie Brown Just Down the Road a Pace
69 Bubba’s BBQ Boulevard
Kind of Near Overland Park, KS 66202
“American Coaster Enthusiasts unite!” yelled President Carole Sanderson from the middle of a muddy cornfield within vague sight of the former ACE headquarters. “We must take back what is ours! The ACE Government-In-Exile will destroy the shadowy puppet enthusiast junta which is currently running the organization in our stead!”
[Editor’s Note: A small but vocal minority of enthusiasts refuses to believe the ACE government was toppled by a coup and is valiantly leading a resistance movement against cruel overlords, despite well-researched information supporting it as fact. Gerald Gustafson’s comments are reflective of those from this group: “Government-in-Exile? Clearly, the ACE leadership just forgot to pay the frickin’ rent, and they got their asses thrown out on the street. Now we get to receive all our publications and renewals three years late instead of six months, and they try to pass it off as some sort of alleged revolution. Puh-leez.” While ARN&R does support freedom of speech and tries to present all opinions on a story, we must seriously bring into question the sanity of crazed conspiracy theorists such as Mr. Gustafson, and suggest our readers give minimal credence to their outlandish tales.]
--JCK
The Executive Committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts announced to its membership this week that it is intact and striving to serve worldwide coaster fans. This came as a welcome relief to many members of the club, who feared all office-holders and editors associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts had fled the country in the wake of a massive governmental overthrow by renegade coaster lovers.
According to the ACE website, “ACE has been informed that its management company has decided to cease doing business at the end of January. ACE's Executive Committee has taken steps to ensure that this action will have minimal impact upon our members and is currently searching for a new management firm. However, the processing time for membership renewals and applications may be slightly higher than normal.” This disturbing announcement was alleged by ACE to be mere cover for a more sinister situation. Although most members of the group thought the organization had been consistently failing to respond to applications or deliver magazines in a timely fashion for no good damn reason, ACE's executive branch declared that, in reality, a brutal coup d’etat toppled the ACE government back in January.
From the ACE Temporary Headquarters, located in a tipped-over, rusting outhouse in eastern Kansas, leaders of the ACE Government-In-Exile issued a terse statement that “ACE will seek revenge upon those who have oppressed us and removed us from our home in lovely Overland Park. We will reclaim our offices, take back our primacy in coaster affairs, and start getting magazines and flyers out within two or three months of when they are alleged to be. Oh, and also, please note that ACE's office has a new, temporary address and fax number.”
The new temporary address for the American Coaster Enthusiasts is presented below as a public service announcement by ARN&R:
American Coaster Enthusiasts
Rusted Outhouse and Two Tents “Borrowed” From Super K-Mart
Right Behind Farmer Brown’s Briar Patch
No, Not Farmer Ezekiel Brown, It’s Actually Farmer Doogie Brown Just Down the Road a Pace
69 Bubba’s BBQ Boulevard
Kind of Near Overland Park, KS 66202
“American Coaster Enthusiasts unite!” yelled President Carole Sanderson from the middle of a muddy cornfield within vague sight of the former ACE headquarters. “We must take back what is ours! The ACE Government-In-Exile will destroy the shadowy puppet enthusiast junta which is currently running the organization in our stead!”
[Editor’s Note: A small but vocal minority of enthusiasts refuses to believe the ACE government was toppled by a coup and is valiantly leading a resistance movement against cruel overlords, despite well-researched information supporting it as fact. Gerald Gustafson’s comments are reflective of those from this group: “Government-in-Exile? Clearly, the ACE leadership just forgot to pay the frickin’ rent, and they got their asses thrown out on the street. Now we get to receive all our publications and renewals three years late instead of six months, and they try to pass it off as some sort of alleged revolution. Puh-leez.” While ARN&R does support freedom of speech and tries to present all opinions on a story, we must seriously bring into question the sanity of crazed conspiracy theorists such as Mr. Gustafson, and suggest our readers give minimal credence to their outlandish tales.]
--JCK
Monday, February 24, 2003
Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity
Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.
“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”
Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”
Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”
Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”
The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.
--JCK
Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.
“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”
Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”
Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”
Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”
The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.
--JCK
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Thursday, February 20, 2003
ARN&R Attempts to Care About Tidal Wave Removal, Fails
Major US news sources report today that ARN&R doesn't really care very much at all that Paramount's Great America's Tidal Wave, a Schwarzkopf shuttle loop coaster, is being removed from the park. This despite being repeatedly notified by sources and alert readers of the website that the ride was endangered.
"We actually had the scoop on this," reported ARN&R's Editor-in-Chief and Grand Almighty Master. "We received word from a concerned citizen a couple weeks ago that Tidal Force was going to be demolished. We actually had the news ready to break days before anyone else would confirm it, but we sort of, I don't know, didn't get around to it. I mean, it's an 25-year-old shuttle loop, for Pete's sake. It's hard for ARN&R to put the same sort of concern into this as we would for a real coaster like Twister being knocked down. Well, now the removal of Tidal Wave is listed at Screamscape, so we lost our exclusive feature. Darn."
Other representatives of ARN&R were equally unresponsive to the bleak news of the coaster's death. "Why are people even bothering to let us know about this sort of thing?" asked correspondent RAS. "First of all, this must mean someone still thinks this site posts actual news and rumors. Oh boy. Even worse is why, even if we did write actual news, we'd bother sending anyone to cover this anyway."
Added correspondent JCK, "I am desperately attempting to muster up some concern for the removal of Tidal Wave. Uh...um....er.....uh.....nope. Sorry. I actually don't give a rat's ass."
The luxurious Absolutelyreliable staff offices then erupted into fisticuffs over which writer would be forced to write a report on the sad, tragic demise of one of the world's greatest roller coasters. Reportedly, correspondent JCK lost the fight when hit in the face with an auctioned Yankee Cannonball chain dog, after which he grudgingly agreed to feign concern about never getting to ride Tidal Wave. JCK refuses to confirm such speculation, however.
--JCK
Major US news sources report today that ARN&R doesn't really care very much at all that Paramount's Great America's Tidal Wave, a Schwarzkopf shuttle loop coaster, is being removed from the park. This despite being repeatedly notified by sources and alert readers of the website that the ride was endangered.
"We actually had the scoop on this," reported ARN&R's Editor-in-Chief and Grand Almighty Master. "We received word from a concerned citizen a couple weeks ago that Tidal Force was going to be demolished. We actually had the news ready to break days before anyone else would confirm it, but we sort of, I don't know, didn't get around to it. I mean, it's an 25-year-old shuttle loop, for Pete's sake. It's hard for ARN&R to put the same sort of concern into this as we would for a real coaster like Twister being knocked down. Well, now the removal of Tidal Wave is listed at Screamscape, so we lost our exclusive feature. Darn."
Other representatives of ARN&R were equally unresponsive to the bleak news of the coaster's death. "Why are people even bothering to let us know about this sort of thing?" asked correspondent RAS. "First of all, this must mean someone still thinks this site posts actual news and rumors. Oh boy. Even worse is why, even if we did write actual news, we'd bother sending anyone to cover this anyway."
Added correspondent JCK, "I am desperately attempting to muster up some concern for the removal of Tidal Wave. Uh...um....er.....uh.....nope. Sorry. I actually don't give a rat's ass."
The luxurious Absolutelyreliable staff offices then erupted into fisticuffs over which writer would be forced to write a report on the sad, tragic demise of one of the world's greatest roller coasters. Reportedly, correspondent JCK lost the fight when hit in the face with an auctioned Yankee Cannonball chain dog, after which he grudgingly agreed to feign concern about never getting to ride Tidal Wave. JCK refuses to confirm such speculation, however.
--JCK
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Busch Gardens Tampa Apologizes to Celebrity Pair
The president of Busch Gardens Tampa says he is sorry for making Catherine Zeta-Jones feel bad with the unauthorized onride photos taken of the actress and husband Michael Douglas in 2000.
Ed Sanchez took the stand in London’s High Court yesterday as part of his legal battle with the actress, and issued an apology for the offense and distress he had caused Zeta-Jones and Douglas. However, Sanchez stood by the use of the photos, and called the multi-million dollar lawsuit filed by the pair “pretty over the top.”
During court proceedings last week, Zeta-Jones claimed that the onride Montu photos were of poor quality and were unflattering to her. “The quality was what every theme park visitor would dread,” she stated. “It was cheap and tacky, and it made my ass look huge. I didn’t know the cameras were even there. I have undergone devastating damage and stress over these horrid pictures, and the harm to my career is monumental.”
Douglas added that “Busch Gardens is well aware that Catherine and I have an exclusive relationship with Cedar Fair parks, and only those parks can take photos of us squealing like stuck pigs on roller coasters. Busch took those photos illegally and with an intent to spite us.”
“I am apologetic for any trouble these photos caused Ms. Zeta-Jones,” said Sanchez. “However, we did nothing illegal or untoward, and are certain we will win the case. For one, she can’t really accuse us of making her ass look huge since she’s sitting on the thing in all these pictures. More importantly, the two of them can hardly claim they were unaware of being photographed, since they are grabbing their crotches, sticking their tongues out, and flipping the bird at the camera in each and every shot we have of them.”
--JCK
The president of Busch Gardens Tampa says he is sorry for making Catherine Zeta-Jones feel bad with the unauthorized onride photos taken of the actress and husband Michael Douglas in 2000.
Ed Sanchez took the stand in London’s High Court yesterday as part of his legal battle with the actress, and issued an apology for the offense and distress he had caused Zeta-Jones and Douglas. However, Sanchez stood by the use of the photos, and called the multi-million dollar lawsuit filed by the pair “pretty over the top.”
During court proceedings last week, Zeta-Jones claimed that the onride Montu photos were of poor quality and were unflattering to her. “The quality was what every theme park visitor would dread,” she stated. “It was cheap and tacky, and it made my ass look huge. I didn’t know the cameras were even there. I have undergone devastating damage and stress over these horrid pictures, and the harm to my career is monumental.”
Douglas added that “Busch Gardens is well aware that Catherine and I have an exclusive relationship with Cedar Fair parks, and only those parks can take photos of us squealing like stuck pigs on roller coasters. Busch took those photos illegally and with an intent to spite us.”
“I am apologetic for any trouble these photos caused Ms. Zeta-Jones,” said Sanchez. “However, we did nothing illegal or untoward, and are certain we will win the case. For one, she can’t really accuse us of making her ass look huge since she’s sitting on the thing in all these pictures. More importantly, the two of them can hardly claim they were unaware of being photographed, since they are grabbing their crotches, sticking their tongues out, and flipping the bird at the camera in each and every shot we have of them.”
--JCK
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Couple Divorced on Coaster
History was made this past weekend, as what is believed to be the first on-coaster divorce took place at Six Flags Magic Mountain. The unhappy couple, Elana Hoffman, 30, and Lawrence Mullet, 35, dissolved their vows at 3:45 PM this past Saturday on the park’s Colossus racing coaster.
Said enthusiast Mike Falkowski, 29, “every darn week some couple thinks it’s cute and oh-so-original to have a wedding on a roller coaster, and it always means I get stuck waiting in line for the morons to get finished with their vows, the ceremonial ride, and the bouquet and/or cookie tossing. I’ve had to wait for stupid people to wed on Kraken, Raptor, Nitro, and Giant Dipper this year already. Enough! It isn’t unique and cool, and it’s damn sure not Xtreme, okay?”
When it was pointed out to Falkowski that the couple on Colossus was formalizing a divorce rather than getting married, Falkowski yelled “yeah! Now that I can wait in line for!”
The ceremony took place with great fanfare, as the opposing parties marched in to the Colossus station under colorful banners to the pumping sounds of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” and Guns ‘n’ Roses’s “Used to Love Her.” The non-bride and her group sat on the train on the left side of the station, while the non-groom and his group took the right. The lead car of each train featured a future non-spouse and three lawyers, while the remainder of the trains consisted of friends of the two divorcees. Mullet’s train was filled to the rim with large, drunken former frat buddies, while Hoffman’s featured only six catty girlfriends and family members. The divorce became official once the trains diverged and swooped around the far turnarounds of Colossus.
ARN&R was able to gain exclusive interviews with both members of the non-couple while the ride was in progress. According to Mullet, “man, this will be a weight off my shoulders. That little tramp is the most manipulative bitch on the entire planet. She lies constantly, spends all my money on shoes, and has no sense of personal hygiene. She’s also a slut…I’ve caught her sleeping around on me at least five different times, and she gave me a vicious case of herpes that’s flaring up right as we speak. Good riddance to that whore.”
Mullet then added, “Whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Retorted Hoffman, “my former husband is a complete lazy slob. He leaves clothes around, pees all over the bathroom floor, and hangs out drinking with his idiot friends. He’s just a stupid Nebraska hick who can’t hold a conversation. And I only found companionship with other men and women because he’s terrible in bed. He couldn’t even get it up most of the time. He also gets way too angry…I apologized at least two or three times for giving him herpes and the clap, but he just wouldn’t let it go. Damn, this coaster is slow! And who do I have to screw to get some airtime?”
The race back to the station for first place became one of great importance, with passengers in both trains taunting each other and making whipping motions at their Morgan trains in an effort to speed them along. Mullet’s train proved victorious, although Hoffman pointed out that “all the extra weight on his side couldn’t have hurt.”
“This has been a traumatic experience for all people involved,” stated Mullet’s primary lawyer, Anna Jetter. "All the acrimony, the vicious squabbling over money and blame…we all figured marking the end of a very unsuccessful marriage with a special ceremony was appropriate. Particularly if that ceremony enabled me to rack up as many new coaster credits as this park does!”
In what may be step up in the battle for theme park supremacy, Islands of Adventure has already stated that Magic Mountain’s coaster divorce was a feeble publicity stunt. Says IOA rep Sandy Pak, “we’re going to show how a coaster divorce is really done. Ours will be a true media event. The actual divorce case will be handled by the really rude talking fountain in the Lost Continent. Then the bickering couple will board the coaster. Instead of using a racing coaster, we will put our celebrants on Dueling Dragons…the divorce becomes final when the trains separate right after the lift, then the divorce parties can amuse themselves yelling insults, giving the finger, and spitting at each other as the trains go through their dueling elements. Jerry Springer will host the event on live TV.”
The Magic Mountain divorce was protested by a group of ACE members, who demanded that Colossus be run as an actual racer all the time, instead of just for special divorce celebrations. Reports that Six Flags officials leaned out their windows and threw urine upon the protesters have not been confirmed at this time.
--JCK
History was made this past weekend, as what is believed to be the first on-coaster divorce took place at Six Flags Magic Mountain. The unhappy couple, Elana Hoffman, 30, and Lawrence Mullet, 35, dissolved their vows at 3:45 PM this past Saturday on the park’s Colossus racing coaster.
Said enthusiast Mike Falkowski, 29, “every darn week some couple thinks it’s cute and oh-so-original to have a wedding on a roller coaster, and it always means I get stuck waiting in line for the morons to get finished with their vows, the ceremonial ride, and the bouquet and/or cookie tossing. I’ve had to wait for stupid people to wed on Kraken, Raptor, Nitro, and Giant Dipper this year already. Enough! It isn’t unique and cool, and it’s damn sure not Xtreme, okay?”
When it was pointed out to Falkowski that the couple on Colossus was formalizing a divorce rather than getting married, Falkowski yelled “yeah! Now that I can wait in line for!”
The ceremony took place with great fanfare, as the opposing parties marched in to the Colossus station under colorful banners to the pumping sounds of Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” and Guns ‘n’ Roses’s “Used to Love Her.” The non-bride and her group sat on the train on the left side of the station, while the non-groom and his group took the right. The lead car of each train featured a future non-spouse and three lawyers, while the remainder of the trains consisted of friends of the two divorcees. Mullet’s train was filled to the rim with large, drunken former frat buddies, while Hoffman’s featured only six catty girlfriends and family members. The divorce became official once the trains diverged and swooped around the far turnarounds of Colossus.
ARN&R was able to gain exclusive interviews with both members of the non-couple while the ride was in progress. According to Mullet, “man, this will be a weight off my shoulders. That little tramp is the most manipulative bitch on the entire planet. She lies constantly, spends all my money on shoes, and has no sense of personal hygiene. She’s also a slut…I’ve caught her sleeping around on me at least five different times, and she gave me a vicious case of herpes that’s flaring up right as we speak. Good riddance to that whore.”
Mullet then added, “Whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Retorted Hoffman, “my former husband is a complete lazy slob. He leaves clothes around, pees all over the bathroom floor, and hangs out drinking with his idiot friends. He’s just a stupid Nebraska hick who can’t hold a conversation. And I only found companionship with other men and women because he’s terrible in bed. He couldn’t even get it up most of the time. He also gets way too angry…I apologized at least two or three times for giving him herpes and the clap, but he just wouldn’t let it go. Damn, this coaster is slow! And who do I have to screw to get some airtime?”
The race back to the station for first place became one of great importance, with passengers in both trains taunting each other and making whipping motions at their Morgan trains in an effort to speed them along. Mullet’s train proved victorious, although Hoffman pointed out that “all the extra weight on his side couldn’t have hurt.”
“This has been a traumatic experience for all people involved,” stated Mullet’s primary lawyer, Anna Jetter. "All the acrimony, the vicious squabbling over money and blame…we all figured marking the end of a very unsuccessful marriage with a special ceremony was appropriate. Particularly if that ceremony enabled me to rack up as many new coaster credits as this park does!”
In what may be step up in the battle for theme park supremacy, Islands of Adventure has already stated that Magic Mountain’s coaster divorce was a feeble publicity stunt. Says IOA rep Sandy Pak, “we’re going to show how a coaster divorce is really done. Ours will be a true media event. The actual divorce case will be handled by the really rude talking fountain in the Lost Continent. Then the bickering couple will board the coaster. Instead of using a racing coaster, we will put our celebrants on Dueling Dragons…the divorce becomes final when the trains separate right after the lift, then the divorce parties can amuse themselves yelling insults, giving the finger, and spitting at each other as the trains go through their dueling elements. Jerry Springer will host the event on live TV.”
The Magic Mountain divorce was protested by a group of ACE members, who demanded that Colossus be run as an actual racer all the time, instead of just for special divorce celebrations. Reports that Six Flags officials leaned out their windows and threw urine upon the protesters have not been confirmed at this time.
--JCK
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Michael Jackson Under Fire Again
Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.
“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”
“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”
Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”
Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”
Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”
Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”
Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.
--JCK
Already embroiled in controversy ever since the startling documentary on his life was aired February 7th by 20/20, Michael Jackson faced new damning accusations today from amusement experts around the nation.
“I was initially shocked by all that stuff about Michael sleeping in the same bed as little kids, getting all that plastic surgery, and making his kids wear masks all the time,” said Kansas enthusiast Ned Henry. “Then, when I saw the replay of the whole interview this weekend on VH1, I noticed something I’d overlooked…something even more terrible and depressing. Neverland is a really crummy park.”
“How can the mystique of Neverland be maintained after the public has viewed what is basically a miniature showroom of ancient Chance rides?” asked Oregon enthusiast Bill Dunworthy. “Here we all were, thinking that, along with Stricker’s Grove, Neverland would be the one Grail most enthusiasts could never attain. We dreamed, we fantasized, we hoped one day we might get a glimpse of the Promised Land. What a disappointment. That place has less to do than Quassy.”
Initial allegations of the lack of Neverland’s quality as a first-rate park were first made by Vernon Kindle, 12, who had spent a weekend at Jackson’s Ranch last year. “Michael said there were so many fun things to do, but all he had were some swings and a carousel and a Zipper. He must really like that one, though. He kept telling us we should ‘ride on his Zipper’ over and over, but it wasn’t that fun. He told some kids that the Happy Bouncy Bedtastic Funtime Ride was the best, but my parents took me home before I could do that one. I bet it wasn’t that great, either.”
Said Tocelyn Callahan of Texas, “it’s bad enough that he only has a bare minimum of rides, but the way they are run is atrocious. If you rewind the tape and watch the footage of the swinging ship, you can tell it’s on the lamest, most wimpy program imaginable. The versions at Coney Island and Indiana Beach flip up so that the ends of the boat are aimed straight down; Michael’s barely gets past the horizontal. He’s apparently the Prince of Chickens, too. Flat ride enthusiasts won’t be lining up to give their hard-earned cash to Neverland, I’ll tell you that much.”
Journalist Martin Bashir, who interviewed Jackson for the documentary, stated “I was honestly more concerned with Micahel’s disturbing relations with children, both his own and those who stay at the Ranch in his bed. But, now that you mention it, I was pretty disappointed in the rides, too. The swings were slow, the Zipper was pretty creaky and didn’t flip as well as the one at LeSourdsville, and I was kind of hoping the carousel would have something neat like a goat or a lion for me to ride on, but it didn’t. Michael kept saying that he wanted to get a roller coaster, but that won’t help me any, because he didn’t have one when I was doing the interview. I suppose I can pretty much assume I won’t be invited back anytime soon, so I guess I’ll miss out if he actually gets any rides that don’t suck ass.”
Jackson has issued a statement protesting Bashir’s comments, saying “today I feel more betrayed than perhaps ever before; that someone could sacrifice the trust I placed in him and make these terrible and unfair comments. Everyone who knows me knows the truth, and that is that the swings are very fast and the Zipper was sluggish only due to the weather. And I swear to you that the Pharaoh’s Fury ride is normally much more thrilling, but Martin insisted we put it on a mild setting so he wouldn’t get sick, then twisted the situation against me to taint my good name.”
Weeping uncontrollably, Jackson wailed that “the bad man hurt me, the bad man hurt me,” before running to curl up in a fetal position inside his oxygen tent with a tame family of marmots wearing berets.
--JCK
Thursday, February 13, 2003
Hell Freezes Over
Breaking News
To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.
“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”
After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”
“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.
[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]
--JCK
Breaking News
To the surprise of scientists and citizens of Earth, Hell literally froze over Thursday morning. The Netherworld has been plunged into utter chaos by this sudden shocking turn of events.
“What the hell is going on here, so to speak?” asked an exasperated Satan, Master of All That Is Evil. “One minute, I’m dipping the Eternally Damned in hot oil and plunging flaming knives into the flesh of the condemned, then suddenly it’s 5 below zero and I’m getting run over by all these snowboarders. Little punks!”
After pausing for a sip of frozen Margarita from the hollowed-out thigh of Osama bin Laden, the Beast of Lies added, “I’ve got a trick knee and I can’t ski. And it’ll be 50 years before that nasty Tara Lipinski twit joins us down here, so learning the Quad Axle is pretty much out. What’s a fiery Dark Lord to do?”
“Our entire infrastructure is just screwed,” lamented Pamela Anderson, the Grinning She-Swine Bride of Satan. “Beelzie was just readying the torture racks for the eventual arrival of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms. We were going to pan-roast Strom in his own juices and serve him with root vegetables and a cilantro garnish. And we were warming the pokers up to blue-hot for Jessie’s orifices. Now what the hell are we supposed to do? Hit them with snowballs? Make them watch Out Cold and Jack Frost? Frost-brew them to lock in flavor? We’ve got a lot of work to do.”
In completely unrelated news, products were actually purchased from the Ye Olde Absolutelyreliable Online Shoppe last night.
[Editor’s Note: Don’t let Satan’s filthy minions braise you in your own gravy or force you to watch Snow Dogs for eternity. Grab yourself a comfy T-shirt or bumper sticker at the Shoppe now!]
--JCK
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Bush Insults French Coasters
The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.
Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”
French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”
Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”
--JCK
The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.
Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”
French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”
Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”
--JCK
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)