S&S/Arrow Announces New Standup Coaster Featuring Soft Little Fuzzy Bunnies In Sensitive Areas
S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.
"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"
Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."
Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Vekoma SLC Savages Women's Naughty Bits
We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.
We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.
S&S Announces Return of Ron Toomer, New Tower Attraction
In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.
“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.
The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”
After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.
Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.
Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.
-RMA
In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.
“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.
The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”
After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.
Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.
Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.
-RMA
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Area Woman Stunned By THE FUTURE
Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.
“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”
Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”
ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."
--JCK
Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.
“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”
Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”
ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."
--JCK
Sunday, March 02, 2003
New Disney Thrillrides Greenlighted
ARN&R has just learned that Walt Disney World, in Buena Vista, Florida, has been slated to receive several new E-ticket attractions, slated to open throughout 2004. According to Disney spokesman Bill Zeebub, “there’s going to be so much excitement at Disney in the next few years, no Florida visitor will even consider visiting any other parks.”
Industry experts see the greenlighting of these new projects as proof that Disney has finally realized it has lost guests and money over the past several seasons. “First of all, there are the sponsorship issues, “ stated Desmond Bishop, an Amusement Business columnist. “At the Disney World parks, they have recently lost deals with AMEX, FedEx, GE, MetLife, and others. They release a new ride very rarely at any of the parks, and it inevitably has flaws that result in closures and capacity issues. They charge obscene amounts for admission and services. It’s finally caught up to them.”
Bishop added that, “we are finally seeing Disney react to its problems in a positive fashion, though. These exciting new rides will, our publication feels, bring back the respect and influx of money that Disney expects and is accustomed to receiving. The Mouse is back!”
Zeebub gave reporters tantalizing hints as to what 2004 would hold for each of the Florida Disney parks. “Visitors to the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland should prepare for the excitement of Bridget Jones’s Diary: The Ride. This will be a 400-foot launched Vekoma coaster where passengers experience a one-of-a-kind thrill of being placed in the ‘flying’ position during portions of the coaster. Heartwarming scenes from the movie will be projected on giant IMAX screens around the riders, and we expect that they will be both touched by the cloying sweetness and have their pants soiled by the utter terror of this attraction. It’s a unique combination people will love.”
Other parks will also be blessed by new major endeavors. The MGM Studios Park will add a ride called The View, which will be “an exhilarating next-generation interactive thrill experience dealing with the popular daytime talk show.” Riders will first strap themselves onto hosts Barbara Walters, Meredith Vieira, Joy Behar, or Star Jones (actually, ARN&R has learned that these are elaborate ride vehicles themed to the hosts rather than the hosts themselves; the Star Jones vehicle will be specially designed to accommodate guests of larger proportions). They will then prepare to “experience an astonishing multisensory overload.” Apparently, the cars will move much like the ones for Spiderman at Islands of Adventure, but will be suspended and capable of inversions. Live action, 3-D goggles, and 230 million dollars worth of pyrotechnics and water tank effects will be used. A plot line involving in-depth discussion of women’s health issues, detailed interviews with movie stars, exciting fluff pieces, and a violent, gory, intergalactic space battle is still being finalized, but the show “promises to be a true dominator of all five senses.” Rumored guest contributors include all the hosts of The View, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Met Opera music director James Levine, the members of Metallica, and Carrot Top. No official word has been given on a possible cameo from departed host Lisa Ling, nor on whether the expensive attraction will be sponsored by Old Navy.
EPCOT is slated to receive 40 Days and 40 Nights: The Decimation. Details are scarce about this attraction, but Zeebub told reporters that the ride “will utilize a unique and specially designed interactive centrifuge pod system that will simulate a thrilling mission in space.” Says Lance Hart of Screamscape, “this is almost certainly a cheap last-minute retheming of an existing delayed attraction, Mission: Space. Disney is just trying to capitalize on a hastily slung-together theme so they can slap Josh Hartnett’s mug up everywhere.”
Finally, Animal Kingdom will add “Slingblade…On Ice!!!” According to Zeebub, “Disney could think of no other property it owns more suited to a dazzling display of Broadway-style songs and tantalizing ice skating spins and jumps than Slingblade. Visitors to Animal Kingdom seem to enjoy coming to the park even though there are basically no rides, so we thought we’d keep that trend going.” But that’s not all. The ice show will be the centerpiece of the brand new 5,000-dollar Deep South Land at AK. Zeebub says, “we could not locate a really appropriate themed area within Animal Kingdom in which to place the attraction, so we plan to sling, so to speak, a new Deep South-themed area together for it. Basically, we’ll have some pigs and goats, and a few old outhouses and some rusted El Caminos stuck up on blocks. The food stands will serve biscuits with mustard. We’ll also have an interactive tobacco exhibit, where you can pick the leaves, dry them, and sample the final product by putting a pinch between your cheek and gum. The kids will love it!”
Zeebub refused to confirm speculation on whether Miramax’s exciting Kate & Leopold franchise would finally receive its own E-ticket attraction in the next few years.
--JCK
ARN&R has just learned that Walt Disney World, in Buena Vista, Florida, has been slated to receive several new E-ticket attractions, slated to open throughout 2004. According to Disney spokesman Bill Zeebub, “there’s going to be so much excitement at Disney in the next few years, no Florida visitor will even consider visiting any other parks.”
Industry experts see the greenlighting of these new projects as proof that Disney has finally realized it has lost guests and money over the past several seasons. “First of all, there are the sponsorship issues, “ stated Desmond Bishop, an Amusement Business columnist. “At the Disney World parks, they have recently lost deals with AMEX, FedEx, GE, MetLife, and others. They release a new ride very rarely at any of the parks, and it inevitably has flaws that result in closures and capacity issues. They charge obscene amounts for admission and services. It’s finally caught up to them.”
Bishop added that, “we are finally seeing Disney react to its problems in a positive fashion, though. These exciting new rides will, our publication feels, bring back the respect and influx of money that Disney expects and is accustomed to receiving. The Mouse is back!”
Zeebub gave reporters tantalizing hints as to what 2004 would hold for each of the Florida Disney parks. “Visitors to the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland should prepare for the excitement of Bridget Jones’s Diary: The Ride. This will be a 400-foot launched Vekoma coaster where passengers experience a one-of-a-kind thrill of being placed in the ‘flying’ position during portions of the coaster. Heartwarming scenes from the movie will be projected on giant IMAX screens around the riders, and we expect that they will be both touched by the cloying sweetness and have their pants soiled by the utter terror of this attraction. It’s a unique combination people will love.”
Other parks will also be blessed by new major endeavors. The MGM Studios Park will add a ride called The View, which will be “an exhilarating next-generation interactive thrill experience dealing with the popular daytime talk show.” Riders will first strap themselves onto hosts Barbara Walters, Meredith Vieira, Joy Behar, or Star Jones (actually, ARN&R has learned that these are elaborate ride vehicles themed to the hosts rather than the hosts themselves; the Star Jones vehicle will be specially designed to accommodate guests of larger proportions). They will then prepare to “experience an astonishing multisensory overload.” Apparently, the cars will move much like the ones for Spiderman at Islands of Adventure, but will be suspended and capable of inversions. Live action, 3-D goggles, and 230 million dollars worth of pyrotechnics and water tank effects will be used. A plot line involving in-depth discussion of women’s health issues, detailed interviews with movie stars, exciting fluff pieces, and a violent, gory, intergalactic space battle is still being finalized, but the show “promises to be a true dominator of all five senses.” Rumored guest contributors include all the hosts of The View, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Met Opera music director James Levine, the members of Metallica, and Carrot Top. No official word has been given on a possible cameo from departed host Lisa Ling, nor on whether the expensive attraction will be sponsored by Old Navy.
EPCOT is slated to receive 40 Days and 40 Nights: The Decimation. Details are scarce about this attraction, but Zeebub told reporters that the ride “will utilize a unique and specially designed interactive centrifuge pod system that will simulate a thrilling mission in space.” Says Lance Hart of Screamscape, “this is almost certainly a cheap last-minute retheming of an existing delayed attraction, Mission: Space. Disney is just trying to capitalize on a hastily slung-together theme so they can slap Josh Hartnett’s mug up everywhere.”
Finally, Animal Kingdom will add “Slingblade…On Ice!!!” According to Zeebub, “Disney could think of no other property it owns more suited to a dazzling display of Broadway-style songs and tantalizing ice skating spins and jumps than Slingblade. Visitors to Animal Kingdom seem to enjoy coming to the park even though there are basically no rides, so we thought we’d keep that trend going.” But that’s not all. The ice show will be the centerpiece of the brand new 5,000-dollar Deep South Land at AK. Zeebub says, “we could not locate a really appropriate themed area within Animal Kingdom in which to place the attraction, so we plan to sling, so to speak, a new Deep South-themed area together for it. Basically, we’ll have some pigs and goats, and a few old outhouses and some rusted El Caminos stuck up on blocks. The food stands will serve biscuits with mustard. We’ll also have an interactive tobacco exhibit, where you can pick the leaves, dry them, and sample the final product by putting a pinch between your cheek and gum. The kids will love it!”
Zeebub refused to confirm speculation on whether Miramax’s exciting Kate & Leopold franchise would finally receive its own E-ticket attraction in the next few years.
--JCK
Saturday, March 01, 2003
CoasterBash or Coaster-Bah?
Today’s CoasterBash XIV, held at Garden City Hall in Monroeville, PA, appeared to be anything but a “bash” to unaware American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) members.
"There were no freakin' roller coasters to ride!" exclaimed Mack “The Big Boy” Porkenhauser. "Sure, they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and bottomless beverages, but the only coasters in the joint were rinky-dink cardboard cut-out models. Really bad models at that."
"I was expecting, due to the off-season timing of this event, to have nothing but ERT without all the stupid rednecks I usually see at Pennsylvania parks," stated fourteen-year-old nonmember, and resident of Monroeville, Chester Lynch. "I heard A.C.E. wuz comin' to town so I grabbed up my thirty-dollar ticket to attend. Shoot, ... free food, free drinks, no parking fees ... I thought I had this event in the bag! But it just plain sucked. There won’t no ridin’ at all!"
Stan Cartman, who drove all the way from Colorado to attend the event, said, “the event flyer promised a ‘Chinese auction.’ I figured maybe that meant one of us would win some contest to get laid by a hot Asian babe, but apparently they meant something else. There was no laying, nor were there any hot Asian babes, nor were there really any babes at all. I feel pretty cheated.”
Virginia ACE member Bert Logan was also distressed. “Kennywood sent some haunted house workers that scared me senseless, but why didn’t we get ERT on Phantom’s Revenge and Thunderbolt? I bet they run pretty fast when the grease has a nice layer of ice. I may protest by not going to that park next season. And Janice Witherow did show some nice photos of Top Thrill Dragster, but why couldn’t she bring the ride itself down here for loyal ACE members to get a preview? I paid my mom’s hard-earned cash to ride coasters without worrying about the stupid GP. I did not pay my mom’s hard-earned cash to watch coaster honeymoon videos and find out what exciting fencepost-erecting Libertyland has planned.”
ACE representative Sandra Torkenstein claims, "these jerks have no business attending the Bash if they didn't read the fine print." With a heavy sigh and, pointing out a smudge at the bottom of the event application, she recited, "this is a non-coaster-riding event." Ms. Torkenstein removed her bottle-bottom glasses, folded the document on her lap, and continued, "we cannot understand why these morons are causing such a fluff. The flyers also clearly state the event will be held ‘rain or snow (blizzard) or shine.' Do these lowlife imbeciles actually believe we would endanger their lives with ERT during a blizzard?"
"That would have been totally awesome, dude!" one rambunctious lad stated as he passed the ARN&R interview table, where he overheard Torkenstein’s comments. Raising his hands to form the “Metal Sign” and sticking his tongue several inches out of his mouth, he added, “Extreeeeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee!”
[Correspondent’s Note: I, as an ARN&R reporter, was also miffed, as I had not been aware of the situation. I, too, came for the rides, but my application had been sent in by my editor, who requested I cover this lame-ass story. I now worry that I will be forced to attend this year's Nor'Easter 2003, the next ACE event, to be held March 8, at the Fierlit-Korzen American Legion Post 769 (Central Falls, RI).]
[Editor’s Note: All reporters employed by the ARN&R Breaking News Division are required to write whatever stories they are assigned. Some of these stories are more exciting than others. Certain reporters might find themselves receiving better assignments if they would quit scaring Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion’s hot tub with all that farting. Enjoy all the exciting onboard ride footage of the Quassy Little Dipper next week, buddy!]
--RAS
Today’s CoasterBash XIV, held at Garden City Hall in Monroeville, PA, appeared to be anything but a “bash” to unaware American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) members.
"There were no freakin' roller coasters to ride!" exclaimed Mack “The Big Boy” Porkenhauser. "Sure, they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and bottomless beverages, but the only coasters in the joint were rinky-dink cardboard cut-out models. Really bad models at that."
"I was expecting, due to the off-season timing of this event, to have nothing but ERT without all the stupid rednecks I usually see at Pennsylvania parks," stated fourteen-year-old nonmember, and resident of Monroeville, Chester Lynch. "I heard A.C.E. wuz comin' to town so I grabbed up my thirty-dollar ticket to attend. Shoot, ... free food, free drinks, no parking fees ... I thought I had this event in the bag! But it just plain sucked. There won’t no ridin’ at all!"
Stan Cartman, who drove all the way from Colorado to attend the event, said, “the event flyer promised a ‘Chinese auction.’ I figured maybe that meant one of us would win some contest to get laid by a hot Asian babe, but apparently they meant something else. There was no laying, nor were there any hot Asian babes, nor were there really any babes at all. I feel pretty cheated.”
Virginia ACE member Bert Logan was also distressed. “Kennywood sent some haunted house workers that scared me senseless, but why didn’t we get ERT on Phantom’s Revenge and Thunderbolt? I bet they run pretty fast when the grease has a nice layer of ice. I may protest by not going to that park next season. And Janice Witherow did show some nice photos of Top Thrill Dragster, but why couldn’t she bring the ride itself down here for loyal ACE members to get a preview? I paid my mom’s hard-earned cash to ride coasters without worrying about the stupid GP. I did not pay my mom’s hard-earned cash to watch coaster honeymoon videos and find out what exciting fencepost-erecting Libertyland has planned.”
ACE representative Sandra Torkenstein claims, "these jerks have no business attending the Bash if they didn't read the fine print." With a heavy sigh and, pointing out a smudge at the bottom of the event application, she recited, "this is a non-coaster-riding event." Ms. Torkenstein removed her bottle-bottom glasses, folded the document on her lap, and continued, "we cannot understand why these morons are causing such a fluff. The flyers also clearly state the event will be held ‘rain or snow (blizzard) or shine.' Do these lowlife imbeciles actually believe we would endanger their lives with ERT during a blizzard?"
"That would have been totally awesome, dude!" one rambunctious lad stated as he passed the ARN&R interview table, where he overheard Torkenstein’s comments. Raising his hands to form the “Metal Sign” and sticking his tongue several inches out of his mouth, he added, “Extreeeeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee!”
[Correspondent’s Note: I, as an ARN&R reporter, was also miffed, as I had not been aware of the situation. I, too, came for the rides, but my application had been sent in by my editor, who requested I cover this lame-ass story. I now worry that I will be forced to attend this year's Nor'Easter 2003, the next ACE event, to be held March 8, at the Fierlit-Korzen American Legion Post 769 (Central Falls, RI).]
[Editor’s Note: All reporters employed by the ARN&R Breaking News Division are required to write whatever stories they are assigned. Some of these stories are more exciting than others. Certain reporters might find themselves receiving better assignments if they would quit scaring Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion’s hot tub with all that farting. Enjoy all the exciting onboard ride footage of the Quassy Little Dipper next week, buddy!]
--RAS
ARN&R Nominated for Academy Award
Or Possibly OnRideCentral Site of the Year
Despite the Fact that It's March
Go vote for us. We really want to be on the pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.
Or Possibly OnRideCentral Site of the Year
Despite the Fact that It's March
Go vote for us. We really want to be on the pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
ACE Government-In-Exile Proudly Defies Minions of Evil
The Executive Committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts announced to its membership this week that it is intact and striving to serve worldwide coaster fans. This came as a welcome relief to many members of the club, who feared all office-holders and editors associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts had fled the country in the wake of a massive governmental overthrow by renegade coaster lovers.
According to the ACE website, “ACE has been informed that its management company has decided to cease doing business at the end of January. ACE's Executive Committee has taken steps to ensure that this action will have minimal impact upon our members and is currently searching for a new management firm. However, the processing time for membership renewals and applications may be slightly higher than normal.” This disturbing announcement was alleged by ACE to be mere cover for a more sinister situation. Although most members of the group thought the organization had been consistently failing to respond to applications or deliver magazines in a timely fashion for no good damn reason, ACE's executive branch declared that, in reality, a brutal coup d’etat toppled the ACE government back in January.
From the ACE Temporary Headquarters, located in a tipped-over, rusting outhouse in eastern Kansas, leaders of the ACE Government-In-Exile issued a terse statement that “ACE will seek revenge upon those who have oppressed us and removed us from our home in lovely Overland Park. We will reclaim our offices, take back our primacy in coaster affairs, and start getting magazines and flyers out within two or three months of when they are alleged to be. Oh, and also, please note that ACE's office has a new, temporary address and fax number.”
The new temporary address for the American Coaster Enthusiasts is presented below as a public service announcement by ARN&R:
American Coaster Enthusiasts
Rusted Outhouse and Two Tents “Borrowed” From Super K-Mart
Right Behind Farmer Brown’s Briar Patch
No, Not Farmer Ezekiel Brown, It’s Actually Farmer Doogie Brown Just Down the Road a Pace
69 Bubba’s BBQ Boulevard
Kind of Near Overland Park, KS 66202
“American Coaster Enthusiasts unite!” yelled President Carole Sanderson from the middle of a muddy cornfield within vague sight of the former ACE headquarters. “We must take back what is ours! The ACE Government-In-Exile will destroy the shadowy puppet enthusiast junta which is currently running the organization in our stead!”
[Editor’s Note: A small but vocal minority of enthusiasts refuses to believe the ACE government was toppled by a coup and is valiantly leading a resistance movement against cruel overlords, despite well-researched information supporting it as fact. Gerald Gustafson’s comments are reflective of those from this group: “Government-in-Exile? Clearly, the ACE leadership just forgot to pay the frickin’ rent, and they got their asses thrown out on the street. Now we get to receive all our publications and renewals three years late instead of six months, and they try to pass it off as some sort of alleged revolution. Puh-leez.” While ARN&R does support freedom of speech and tries to present all opinions on a story, we must seriously bring into question the sanity of crazed conspiracy theorists such as Mr. Gustafson, and suggest our readers give minimal credence to their outlandish tales.]
--JCK
The Executive Committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts announced to its membership this week that it is intact and striving to serve worldwide coaster fans. This came as a welcome relief to many members of the club, who feared all office-holders and editors associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts had fled the country in the wake of a massive governmental overthrow by renegade coaster lovers.
According to the ACE website, “ACE has been informed that its management company has decided to cease doing business at the end of January. ACE's Executive Committee has taken steps to ensure that this action will have minimal impact upon our members and is currently searching for a new management firm. However, the processing time for membership renewals and applications may be slightly higher than normal.” This disturbing announcement was alleged by ACE to be mere cover for a more sinister situation. Although most members of the group thought the organization had been consistently failing to respond to applications or deliver magazines in a timely fashion for no good damn reason, ACE's executive branch declared that, in reality, a brutal coup d’etat toppled the ACE government back in January.
From the ACE Temporary Headquarters, located in a tipped-over, rusting outhouse in eastern Kansas, leaders of the ACE Government-In-Exile issued a terse statement that “ACE will seek revenge upon those who have oppressed us and removed us from our home in lovely Overland Park. We will reclaim our offices, take back our primacy in coaster affairs, and start getting magazines and flyers out within two or three months of when they are alleged to be. Oh, and also, please note that ACE's office has a new, temporary address and fax number.”
The new temporary address for the American Coaster Enthusiasts is presented below as a public service announcement by ARN&R:
American Coaster Enthusiasts
Rusted Outhouse and Two Tents “Borrowed” From Super K-Mart
Right Behind Farmer Brown’s Briar Patch
No, Not Farmer Ezekiel Brown, It’s Actually Farmer Doogie Brown Just Down the Road a Pace
69 Bubba’s BBQ Boulevard
Kind of Near Overland Park, KS 66202
“American Coaster Enthusiasts unite!” yelled President Carole Sanderson from the middle of a muddy cornfield within vague sight of the former ACE headquarters. “We must take back what is ours! The ACE Government-In-Exile will destroy the shadowy puppet enthusiast junta which is currently running the organization in our stead!”
[Editor’s Note: A small but vocal minority of enthusiasts refuses to believe the ACE government was toppled by a coup and is valiantly leading a resistance movement against cruel overlords, despite well-researched information supporting it as fact. Gerald Gustafson’s comments are reflective of those from this group: “Government-in-Exile? Clearly, the ACE leadership just forgot to pay the frickin’ rent, and they got their asses thrown out on the street. Now we get to receive all our publications and renewals three years late instead of six months, and they try to pass it off as some sort of alleged revolution. Puh-leez.” While ARN&R does support freedom of speech and tries to present all opinions on a story, we must seriously bring into question the sanity of crazed conspiracy theorists such as Mr. Gustafson, and suggest our readers give minimal credence to their outlandish tales.]
--JCK
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