Protesters Plan to Picket "Anti-Americanism" at Great Escape

Several protesters from the Young Americans for Freedom, the same group that was televised pouring French wine down sewers in New York City, have taken their outrage north. This weekend they plan to picket in front of The Great Escape theme park in Lake George, New York.

The group's leader, Sam Golland, expressed his outrage to ARN&R. "I am sick and tired of theme parks supporting the countries that don't support us!" he snarled. "This park has a roller coaster collection almost full of imports."

Phil Thomas, who splits his time between activism in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, obsessively reading coaster-oriented websites, and reading the Drudge Report, apparently turned Golland on to the situation. Thomas said, "If you look at the line-up in that park you know they're not buying American. The Alpine Bobsled is Swiss, the Boomerang is Dutch, the Nightmare is German and the Comet is a Canadian import. The only ride we feel they should run is the Steamin' Demon because that was made
right here in the U.S.A."

General Manager John Collins did not know what to make of the allegations. "Wait a second," he said. "They want us to run only the Steamin' Demon, an Arrow looping coaster? They can't be serious. Is this a joke?"

In a confrontation outside the parking attendant's booth Thomas and Golland assured the park official that the group stood firm in their beliefs. Thomas said, "You are either with us or against us. Those coasters must not run so we can protect our national interest. Might as well put a Hussein Presidential Palace in Storytown." He added, "We better not see that Huss Condor or Rainbow running, either."

Park officials later told ARN&R that the protests had not made them count out buying a Reverchon flume for the 2004 season.

Six Flags Eagerly Anticipates Another Year of Losing Money

The turnstiles are spinning, the gates have opened and patrons from around the world are visiting one of over forty Six Flags theme parks near them. But this year, there is a strange excitement flowing through the halls of the corporate office in Oklahoma City; it is the anticipation of another record-breaking year. However, this corporation celebrates a unique economic principle --- they are a loss leader.

"We didn't just come to this position without some hard work and determination," said Gary Story, president and COO of Six Flags. "We strove to ensure that for another year in a row our debt has been pushed back, our overall losses grew and prospects look dim for almost every park."

General Managers around the country have gotten ready for what looks to be another disappointing season in sales. Del Holland of Six Flags Magic Mountain commented, "Well, instead of adding an attraction that would attract families, we wanted something almost identical to what we already had 15 of --- a roller coaster."

When asked by ARN&R why SFMM had not looked at a "flat ride" or "dark ride," such as the successful Scooby Doo attraction drawing guests at sister parks, Holland said, "What's a flat ride? That doesn't sound Xtreme!" He continued, "We know that sending riders upside down seven times will be like nothing they have ever done before. Unless, of course, they have ridden Viper . . . or X."

Some of the competition is surprised at Six Flags's approach to corporate management. "Frankly, we can't see where they get all this money," said Dick Kinzel, President & CEO of Cedar Fair. "They lose capital every year, yet the banks seem willing to supply them with an endless supply of cash." When asked if he had considered deficit spending Kinzel said, "Well, we would have liked to have gotten our new 25 million-dollar coaster for free, but somehow that just didn't seem possible. I guess our investors are just different from Six Flags's in that they demand a profit each year and that we pay off our long-term debt, or at least that we have some semblance of a plan, however half-baked, to be profitable. They're real sticklers like that."

Six Flags Chairman and CEO Kieran E. Burke told ARN&R about some of the exciting things the chain had up its sleeves for the coming season. "We have added special machines that create storm clouds above our parks," he said. "So, while it is sunny at Cedar Point, it will be hailing over Worlds of Adventure and if the sun shines over Disneyland you can be sure it will be raining above Magic Mountain. It is just shows that extra step Six Flags goes to to ensure that fewer people come through our gates than the competition. We chose Kentucky Kingdom and Frontier City as the ideal Six Flags properties and are molding our other parks around the cleanliness, service and staff training programs they utilize. For example, our employees will urinate on the floors of every water park restroom every morning even if patrons have not done so, and on certain 'bonus days' they'll defecate too! All of this will guarantee that Six Flags makes even less money in 2003. That's our promise to both our financial backers and customers."

Six Flags investors could not be reached for comment.

--Anon.

Enthusiast's Wife Sighs Audibly

According to reliable eyewitnesses, Lili Chenowith, 34, sighed audibly this evening. At the time, Chenowith was standing in front of her husband Nate's "Coaster Shrine," which consists of dozens of amusement park postcards, books, onboard ride photos, videos, toothpick sculptures, and merchandise from the Absolutely Reliable Online Shoppe. Confirmation as to whether the sigh was directed at the items themselves, or was in regards to something else, could not be ascertained by ARN&R. However, Chenowith was also seen shaking her head each time she passed the shrine during the afternoon, lending credence to experts' belief that the sigh is indeed a direct response to her husband's collection.

Nate Chenowith himself could not be reached for comment on the matter. According to friends, he is currently in the midst of a three week Coaster-Looking-At Tour, during which he drives to twelve different states to view coasters from the road while imaging how cool they will be to experience on his three week Coaster Riding Spectacular in June.

--JCK

ARN&R Nominated for Site of the Year, Promises to Stop Making Fun of CoasterBuzz Members

ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.

In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan --falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."

The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."

Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.

Rollercoaster Magazine Eaten by Cat

Many members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts have been puzzled by the failure of the fall issue of Rollercoaster Magazine to appear, sources tell ARN&R. The same sources also claim, though these claims have not been verified, that quite a few enthusiasts are also wondering where the hell their winter and perhaps even spring issues might be. ARN&R is proud to be the first online or print publication to announce where, indeed, the hell these issues are. ACE insiders inform us that, surprisingly, the fall and winter Rollercoaster Magazine issues were eaten by the cat. Literally.

"Rollercoaster Magazine was eaten by my cat," said editor Tom Rhodes. "Really. Princess Arjumand snuck into the ACE offices and ate every single scrap of every magazine the staff had labored over all these long months. I guess we'll have to start from scratch, so to speak."

"It's amazing how much one cat can eat," noted ACE president Carole Sanderson. "Boy, could that kitty pack it on. We might give her an honorary ACE membership, considering how much raw tonnage she can chow down. However, the more pressing concern right now is how to get the fall issue out on time. We'll just have to do our best and hope that feral rabbit that hangs around outside the ACE Outhouse Headquarters in Kansas doesn't poop all over it. ACE members must remain united in this time of turmoil."

Sanderson later added that "members need to be sure to renew their ACE memberships promptly, or they won't receive their magazines in the timely manner ACErs have become accustomed to."

--JCK

Awful Grammar and Virulent Anti-ARN&R Sentiment Brilliantly Combined

ARN&R is pleased to announce that our humble little blog has again created violent irritation at the profoundly exceptional and influential ThemeParkCritic website. Amongst the amusing rants is Mrceagle's commentary, a piece of poetry, sculpture, and linguistic splendor so breathtaking in its power and comprehensible grammar that the feeble human mind can hardly be expected to grasp its genius. This icon of brilliant modern writing has been placed in its own category of supergenius-level thought by leading German philosophers and artists, who have labeled Mrceagle as the founder and hero of the Gesamtscheißewerk movement. Here is the gorgeous flowery verse, written (we think) in Farsi, Sanskrit, or Punjabi, exactly as it appears at ThemeParkCritic:

"obiasly someone has to much time on their hands. not to mention that they arn't reative enuf to rumer a resanable ride or one that you would lafe at. every one of tei atracions mentined ina deferant park would have sounded a little more realistic. same bull we had on UFH last year."

Take a deep breath, enjoy the sublime beauty of this moment in your lives, and then read the entire thread here.

Petting Zoo Goat Runs Amuck

Wild Adventures, a medium-sized theme park in Valdosta, Georgia, was devastated today by the antics of an out-of-control goat. The deranged member of the Capra genus has thrown the small community into an uproar seldom seen outside Valdosta State University football games and bumper surfing matches.

The goat, known to park employees as "Sam Barber," began his outrageous shenanigans by surprising 7-year-old Michael Torke from behind and stealing his ice cream cone. "The bad goat ate my ice cream!" wailed the child. He further elaborated that "then it tried to eat me!"

While experts dismiss the comments of Torke as a severe exaggeration of the truth, pointing out that goats are not carnivorous, the boy's mother did note that "the horrible little creature stole my child's food, and subsequently chased him into some goat s&*%. Now he's traumatized and keeps thinking small hoofed animals are going to chew on his succulent flesh. Also, it's not going to fun trying to clean all that goat s#%&* off his Zips."

Others were terrorized by the deadly animal throughout the day. "I was trying to give one of the sheep a pat on the head, and he kept glaring at me and scooting away," said coaster enthusiast Paul Creston, 46. "Maybe he'd had a bad experience with enthusiasts before...I think some of the ACE members at the park event here this January tried to catch and roast one of those sheep for lunch, maybe. Anyway, I was so distracted trying to pet the sheep that I didn't notice that filthy goat sneaking up, and he ate half of my precious Rampage T-shirt before I escaped. That thing should be taken out of the pen and shot."

Creston noted that "at least four or five other people had clothes torn apart and partially ingested by that thing, just during the time I was near the petting zoo."

"Now people are beginning to witness what happens when humans humiliate and enslave our happy mammalian friends," said Gordon Beeferman of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "This intelligent, beautiful creature has been forced to live in a big, wide pen getting stuffed with tasty morsels of food every day of his life. It's demeaning and horrifying, and we support this goat's assaults on disgusting humans who are taking advantage of him. Eat those shirts, Sam! Trick the human monsters into stepping on your goat poo! Gore those bastards on your horns!"

Beeferman then added, "ooooh, is that barbecue I smell? Mmmmmmmm....dang, that looks yummy. Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Yes, ma'am. Two platters, and don't skimp on the white meat. Of course I'm going to finish both plates myself."

Wild Adventures released a terse statement to the media, saying that "all patrons are warned about the possibility of goat naughtiness, and that people who pet the animals need to watch out for themselves that the their ice cream and stupid coaster shirts are not being chewed upon by hoofed barnyard creatures."

--JCK

Helen Hunt Declines Yet Another CoasterCon Guest Appearance

The thousands of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were crestfallen to learn this week that actress Helen Hunt had turned down yet another offer to speak at an ACE Coaster Convention, refusing to be a part of the festivities this summer at Paramount King's Dominion and Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Hunt is a particularly favorite actress with coaster enthusiasts, based on her acting ability, perky breasts, and, primarily, her extremely small role in the rather piss-poor movie Rollercoaster.

"Obviously, we are upset," stated events director Gary Baker. "We felt Ms. Hunt would be an excellent addition to the festivities at the CoasterCon this season. She would be a fine keynote speaker at the banquet, and we could raffle off some rides with her in the front seat of of Rebel Yell and raise tons of bread. Sadly, we'll now have to come up with other options."

Hunt, who as a twelve year old had about 10 lines in the 70's stink bomb about a terrorist who blows up amusement rides, was also asked to attend the Con last summer at Magic Mountain, but declined. This came as a total shock to new ACE executives, who felt that Hunt would jump at the chance to see a private screening of Rollercoaster and answer questions from morons bloated on pounds of cheap buffet. Long term ACE insiders reluctantly admit to ARN&R that Hunt has actually politely declined an invitation to appear and speak at every official ACE function since 1990.

An agent of Hunt's released the following statement to the media: "While Helen is pleased to be recognized for her work in all of her films and television shows, she wishes ACE would come to its senses and perhaps even get a life. No one else really cares about her minor child role in a laughably stupid movie decades ago. Helen makes millions of dollars, and does not need to take a 500 dollar appearance fee to lecture a bunch of geeks about something she barely remembers. Also, she would prefer not to be fondled by all the horny teens who are reputed to be abundant at these enthusiast gatherings. Eventually, Helen's career will deteriorate to the point where she will have to act in reprehensible garbage like Pay it Forward on a regular basis instead of once in a while, and at that point she may need to take some invitations to speak with some groups or what not. Until that point, forget it."

The agent added, "and no, Helen would not like to date any enthusiast, nor would she like to receive any more detailed lists of favorite stand up and suspended coasters from any of you people."

The revised list of potential speakers at the upcoming Coastercon now consists of the AFLAC duck, Florence Henderson, David Arquette, some stinking drunk Vekoma designers, and, of course, Carrot Top. Reaction from ACE members is reportedly mixed, as many members prefer Jessica Alba. Sadly, ARN&R reportedly has the young lass under an exclusive contract for the next several years of coaster functions, so ACE members may be required to brace themselves for the cretin hijinks of a washed up 1-800-CALL-ATT spokesman of some sort instead.

--JCK

Hey! Aren't You Bozos Supposed To Be On Hiatus Or Something?

Literally pairs of enthusiasts rejoiced this week as they realized that the flow of useless information pouring forth from the great minds at ARN&R had slowed, but had not come to a crashing standstill, as previously advertised and feared. Indeed, many irritated amusement industry experts are reportedly quite put out that ARN&R has managed to continue its cuddling and ass kissing of the amusement industry, as always.

Rumor has it that some of the ARN&R staff has been particularly noble this week, what with more than one of them taking time out from their busy out of state work schedules to contribute a piece here and there. Rumor has it that one staff member even managed to publish articles using a piece of crap, worthless, filthy pile of garbage borrowed IMac, even though the Blog buttons do not appear on OS operating systems, forcing him to learn a few crude lines of html code in order to please his throngs of worshipful minions. All 5 or 6 of them, anyway. These rumors cannot be confirmed at this time.

United Nations Deploys Coaster Enthusiasts to Iraq

The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.

"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."

When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."

President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."

--JCK