Video Rentals Causing Relationship Problems
Last night, Amanda Ross decided to get back at her boyfriend, Rob Helton, sources close to the couple report. Ross has, according to these sources, "gotten totally sick of the stupid movies Rob brings home and makes [Ross] watch all the time, just because they have roller coasters in them somewhere."
"I've reached the breaking point," Ross told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "It started off with me being a dutiful girlfriend and trying to humor him. He was whining and bitching constantly for the last few months about how he couldn't ride any coasters, and he could only read ARN&R so many times per day without getting bored. So I suggested that we rent some videos that had roller coasters in them every week, and that way we could both spend time together, and he could see some roller coasters in action and be less grumpy all the time. I thought it was a pretty nice thing to do, since I can't stand roller coasters, but my little plan backfired. I probably should have just kicked him out of the apartment instead."
Ross went on to reveal the details of her disastrous attempt to coddle a lifelong coaster junkie. "I was even nice enough to let him pick the flicks out," she said. "Then, to my horror, I was subjected to a never-ending stream of garbage movies. First, we had to watch that horrid House on Haunted Hill, which had some neat footage of the Hulk roller coaster and tons of brain-crushingly stupid dialogue and bad special effects. Then Rob tormented me with Night at the Roxbury. Rob loved it because it had a brief shot of that dumb coaster on a pier in California. I was more concerned with the fact that I was cranially assaulted by one of the least funny movies ever made, as well as by the highly unattractive asses of Chris Katann and Will Ferrell. I also had the immense pleasure of sitting through the Sting II and some breathtaking movie involving a gorilla hopping around on a wooden roller coaster while being shot at. King Kong Gets a Woodie, or something. I forget the actual name."
The final straw, according to Ross, was with Helton's most recent choice of cinematic exploration. "I officially couldn't take it anymore after last night," she stated. "I was waffling about allowing this movie-watching to continue, but the bastard tricked me. He said he'd get a really artsy-fartsy flick instead of the Hollywood trash he'd been bringing home. He told me he knew of this little Sundance-type independent art film called The Center of the World, which featured two people exploring the nature of power and their inability to communicate functionally in today's society. Being an idiot, I caved and let him rent it. Well, for those of you out there who were not aware of this, let me be the first to tell you: The Center of the World has five minutes of Manhatten Express footage, and the rest of the movie consists entirely of Molly Parker getting f*%$*ed by a hairy guy."
Ross paused for a moment, then added, "oh wait, I forgot something. Sorry. Forgive me for not mentioning the five minutes where Molly Parker does that thing with the hot sauce and the ice cube to the hairy guy's butt. I stand corrected."
Sources tell ARN&R that Ross has devious plans for revenge against her boyfriend. According to witnesses, Ross told Helton that she would only watch coaster movies with him if she could pick them out, a statement to which he reluctantly agreed. ARN&R undercover reporters spotted Ross leaving the video store with copies of The Lost Boys and Titanic today.
"That's one brutal vendetta the young lady's got," said one bystander. "I'd hate to be him tonight."
--JCK
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Monday, March 24, 2003
Enthusiasts File Suit Against Academy
In a late and shocking move, a splinter group of the American Coaster Enthusiasts filed suit today against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for a recent rule change in the judging of Academy Awards. The lawsuit, filed in federal district court in Los Angeles, seeks unspecified monetary damages as well as a court order requiring a new election for the recent Oscars.
"The fascists running the Academy Awards changed the rules this year to exclude any on-ride footage," stated enthusiast and attorney Joe Aldridge, representing the group. "This rule is enforced whether or not the video was obtained legitimately, and means that the Oscar voters were prevented from voting for dozens of high-quality videos produced for upwards of fifteen dollars, simply because they contained on-ride footage. It's an outrage."
Aldridge said that his clients were particularly outraged that Robb Alvey's well-known videos were not eligible for Oscar consideration. "You can bet that if Miramax was the distributor, instead of, um, Robb sitting in his garage, that rule would be changed in a second. But instead, the people of America are forced to believe that the best movies of the past year were made with things like plot, and writing, and acting, and stupid things like that. It's ridiculous. Have you seen his 2002 season video? It's awesome! I don't want to get too detailed, but that video from Puyallup Fair made me want to pull something else up, know what I mean?" Aldridge then giggled for a full thirty seconds.
Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS, told ARN&R that he was still sleeping off the Vanity Fair after-party and to go to hell.
In a late and shocking move, a splinter group of the American Coaster Enthusiasts filed suit today against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for a recent rule change in the judging of Academy Awards. The lawsuit, filed in federal district court in Los Angeles, seeks unspecified monetary damages as well as a court order requiring a new election for the recent Oscars.
"The fascists running the Academy Awards changed the rules this year to exclude any on-ride footage," stated enthusiast and attorney Joe Aldridge, representing the group. "This rule is enforced whether or not the video was obtained legitimately, and means that the Oscar voters were prevented from voting for dozens of high-quality videos produced for upwards of fifteen dollars, simply because they contained on-ride footage. It's an outrage."
Aldridge said that his clients were particularly outraged that Robb Alvey's well-known videos were not eligible for Oscar consideration. "You can bet that if Miramax was the distributor, instead of, um, Robb sitting in his garage, that rule would be changed in a second. But instead, the people of America are forced to believe that the best movies of the past year were made with things like plot, and writing, and acting, and stupid things like that. It's ridiculous. Have you seen his 2002 season video? It's awesome! I don't want to get too detailed, but that video from Puyallup Fair made me want to pull something else up, know what I mean?" Aldridge then giggled for a full thirty seconds.
Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS, told ARN&R that he was still sleeping off the Vanity Fair after-party and to go to hell.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Park Enthusiasts Participate in Peace Rally
A rare sight was viewed today by the citizens of Boston, as park enthusiasts Gary Baker, 46, and Randolph Purvis, 33, were seen attending an peace rally near Cambridge. Many societal experts believed such a scene was impossible, stating that “these coaster lovers and ride aficionados basically never seem to notice anything going on in the world beside who is building what ride for the next season.”
Baker and Purvis were seen marching for much of the afternoon amongst a large group of protestors, many of whom carried signs reading “Support Our Troops By Bringing Them Home” and “Impeach Bush.” Counter-protestors across the street waved American flags and held up signs supporting the U.S. President.
“Hey, wait a minute,” Baker was overheard to say, after standing amid the protestors for approximately three hours. “Why do these people keep talking about some place called Iraq? Is something going on there? I thought we were coming to protest the developers that forced Whalom Park to shut down.”
Added Purvis, “This is a total crock. Iraq doesn’t even have any coasters. What the hell are these people yelling about? I’m going home and have my mom make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”
“We thought it was a little weird that these two scruffy-looking middle-aged dudes were marching with us wearing ‘F&*% Gerstlauer’ T-shirts,” said protestor Annette Li, 21. “They didn’t seem to be aware of major international figures like George Bush and Saddam Hussein, but, then again, they were yelling about how huge corporations were destroying the world, so we thought there could be a slight chance that they were at the protest they thought they were. I guess we were wrong, though. And they mainly seemed mad that we weren’t offering any ERT after the march, whatever that is.”
--JCK
A rare sight was viewed today by the citizens of Boston, as park enthusiasts Gary Baker, 46, and Randolph Purvis, 33, were seen attending an peace rally near Cambridge. Many societal experts believed such a scene was impossible, stating that “these coaster lovers and ride aficionados basically never seem to notice anything going on in the world beside who is building what ride for the next season.”
Baker and Purvis were seen marching for much of the afternoon amongst a large group of protestors, many of whom carried signs reading “Support Our Troops By Bringing Them Home” and “Impeach Bush.” Counter-protestors across the street waved American flags and held up signs supporting the U.S. President.
“Hey, wait a minute,” Baker was overheard to say, after standing amid the protestors for approximately three hours. “Why do these people keep talking about some place called Iraq? Is something going on there? I thought we were coming to protest the developers that forced Whalom Park to shut down.”
Added Purvis, “This is a total crock. Iraq doesn’t even have any coasters. What the hell are these people yelling about? I’m going home and have my mom make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”
“We thought it was a little weird that these two scruffy-looking middle-aged dudes were marching with us wearing ‘F&*% Gerstlauer’ T-shirts,” said protestor Annette Li, 21. “They didn’t seem to be aware of major international figures like George Bush and Saddam Hussein, but, then again, they were yelling about how huge corporations were destroying the world, so we thought there could be a slight chance that they were at the protest they thought they were. I guess we were wrong, though. And they mainly seemed mad that we weren’t offering any ERT after the march, whatever that is.”
--JCK
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Protesters Plan to Picket "Anti-Americanism" at Great Escape
Several protesters from the Young Americans for Freedom, the same group that was televised pouring French wine down sewers in New York City, have taken their outrage north. This weekend they plan to picket in front of The Great Escape theme park in Lake George, New York.
The group's leader, Sam Golland, expressed his outrage to ARN&R. "I am sick and tired of theme parks supporting the countries that don't support us!" he snarled. "This park has a roller coaster collection almost full of imports."
Phil Thomas, who splits his time between activism in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, obsessively reading coaster-oriented websites, and reading the Drudge Report, apparently turned Golland on to the situation. Thomas said, "If you look at the line-up in that park you know they're not buying American. The Alpine Bobsled is Swiss, the Boomerang is Dutch, the Nightmare is German and the Comet is a Canadian import. The only ride we feel they should run is the Steamin' Demon because that was made
right here in the U.S.A."
General Manager John Collins did not know what to make of the allegations. "Wait a second," he said. "They want us to run only the Steamin' Demon, an Arrow looping coaster? They can't be serious. Is this a joke?"
In a confrontation outside the parking attendant's booth Thomas and Golland assured the park official that the group stood firm in their beliefs. Thomas said, "You are either with us or against us. Those coasters must not run so we can protect our national interest. Might as well put a Hussein Presidential Palace in Storytown." He added, "We better not see that Huss Condor or Rainbow running, either."
Park officials later told ARN&R that the protests had not made them count out buying a Reverchon flume for the 2004 season.
Several protesters from the Young Americans for Freedom, the same group that was televised pouring French wine down sewers in New York City, have taken their outrage north. This weekend they plan to picket in front of The Great Escape theme park in Lake George, New York.
The group's leader, Sam Golland, expressed his outrage to ARN&R. "I am sick and tired of theme parks supporting the countries that don't support us!" he snarled. "This park has a roller coaster collection almost full of imports."
Phil Thomas, who splits his time between activism in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, obsessively reading coaster-oriented websites, and reading the Drudge Report, apparently turned Golland on to the situation. Thomas said, "If you look at the line-up in that park you know they're not buying American. The Alpine Bobsled is Swiss, the Boomerang is Dutch, the Nightmare is German and the Comet is a Canadian import. The only ride we feel they should run is the Steamin' Demon because that was made
right here in the U.S.A."
General Manager John Collins did not know what to make of the allegations. "Wait a second," he said. "They want us to run only the Steamin' Demon, an Arrow looping coaster? They can't be serious. Is this a joke?"
In a confrontation outside the parking attendant's booth Thomas and Golland assured the park official that the group stood firm in their beliefs. Thomas said, "You are either with us or against us. Those coasters must not run so we can protect our national interest. Might as well put a Hussein Presidential Palace in Storytown." He added, "We better not see that Huss Condor or Rainbow running, either."
Park officials later told ARN&R that the protests had not made them count out buying a Reverchon flume for the 2004 season.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Six Flags Eagerly Anticipates Another Year of Losing Money
The turnstiles are spinning, the gates have opened and patrons from around the world are visiting one of over forty Six Flags theme parks near them. But this year, there is a strange excitement flowing through the halls of the corporate office in Oklahoma City; it is the anticipation of another record-breaking year. However, this corporation celebrates a unique economic principle --- they are a loss leader.
"We didn't just come to this position without some hard work and determination," said Gary Story, president and COO of Six Flags. "We strove to ensure that for another year in a row our debt has been pushed back, our overall losses grew and prospects look dim for almost every park."
General Managers around the country have gotten ready for what looks to be another disappointing season in sales. Del Holland of Six Flags Magic Mountain commented, "Well, instead of adding an attraction that would attract families, we wanted something almost identical to what we already had 15 of --- a roller coaster."
When asked by ARN&R why SFMM had not looked at a "flat ride" or "dark ride," such as the successful Scooby Doo attraction drawing guests at sister parks, Holland said, "What's a flat ride? That doesn't sound Xtreme!" He continued, "We know that sending riders upside down seven times will be like nothing they have ever done before. Unless, of course, they have ridden Viper . . . or X."
Some of the competition is surprised at Six Flags's approach to corporate management. "Frankly, we can't see where they get all this money," said Dick Kinzel, President & CEO of Cedar Fair. "They lose capital every year, yet the banks seem willing to supply them with an endless supply of cash." When asked if he had considered deficit spending Kinzel said, "Well, we would have liked to have gotten our new 25 million-dollar coaster for free, but somehow that just didn't seem possible. I guess our investors are just different from Six Flags's in that they demand a profit each year and that we pay off our long-term debt, or at least that we have some semblance of a plan, however half-baked, to be profitable. They're real sticklers like that."
Six Flags Chairman and CEO Kieran E. Burke told ARN&R about some of the exciting things the chain had up its sleeves for the coming season. "We have added special machines that create storm clouds above our parks," he said. "So, while it is sunny at Cedar Point, it will be hailing over Worlds of Adventure and if the sun shines over Disneyland you can be sure it will be raining above Magic Mountain. It is just shows that extra step Six Flags goes to to ensure that fewer people come through our gates than the competition. We chose Kentucky Kingdom and Frontier City as the ideal Six Flags properties and are molding our other parks around the cleanliness, service and staff training programs they utilize. For example, our employees will urinate on the floors of every water park restroom every morning even if patrons have not done so, and on certain 'bonus days' they'll defecate too! All of this will guarantee that Six Flags makes even less money in 2003. That's our promise to both our financial backers and customers."
Six Flags investors could not be reached for comment.
--Anon.
The turnstiles are spinning, the gates have opened and patrons from around the world are visiting one of over forty Six Flags theme parks near them. But this year, there is a strange excitement flowing through the halls of the corporate office in Oklahoma City; it is the anticipation of another record-breaking year. However, this corporation celebrates a unique economic principle --- they are a loss leader.
"We didn't just come to this position without some hard work and determination," said Gary Story, president and COO of Six Flags. "We strove to ensure that for another year in a row our debt has been pushed back, our overall losses grew and prospects look dim for almost every park."
General Managers around the country have gotten ready for what looks to be another disappointing season in sales. Del Holland of Six Flags Magic Mountain commented, "Well, instead of adding an attraction that would attract families, we wanted something almost identical to what we already had 15 of --- a roller coaster."
When asked by ARN&R why SFMM had not looked at a "flat ride" or "dark ride," such as the successful Scooby Doo attraction drawing guests at sister parks, Holland said, "What's a flat ride? That doesn't sound Xtreme!" He continued, "We know that sending riders upside down seven times will be like nothing they have ever done before. Unless, of course, they have ridden Viper . . . or X."
Some of the competition is surprised at Six Flags's approach to corporate management. "Frankly, we can't see where they get all this money," said Dick Kinzel, President & CEO of Cedar Fair. "They lose capital every year, yet the banks seem willing to supply them with an endless supply of cash." When asked if he had considered deficit spending Kinzel said, "Well, we would have liked to have gotten our new 25 million-dollar coaster for free, but somehow that just didn't seem possible. I guess our investors are just different from Six Flags's in that they demand a profit each year and that we pay off our long-term debt, or at least that we have some semblance of a plan, however half-baked, to be profitable. They're real sticklers like that."
Six Flags Chairman and CEO Kieran E. Burke told ARN&R about some of the exciting things the chain had up its sleeves for the coming season. "We have added special machines that create storm clouds above our parks," he said. "So, while it is sunny at Cedar Point, it will be hailing over Worlds of Adventure and if the sun shines over Disneyland you can be sure it will be raining above Magic Mountain. It is just shows that extra step Six Flags goes to to ensure that fewer people come through our gates than the competition. We chose Kentucky Kingdom and Frontier City as the ideal Six Flags properties and are molding our other parks around the cleanliness, service and staff training programs they utilize. For example, our employees will urinate on the floors of every water park restroom every morning even if patrons have not done so, and on certain 'bonus days' they'll defecate too! All of this will guarantee that Six Flags makes even less money in 2003. That's our promise to both our financial backers and customers."
Six Flags investors could not be reached for comment.
--Anon.
Enthusiast's Wife Sighs Audibly
According to reliable eyewitnesses, Lili Chenowith, 34, sighed audibly this evening. At the time, Chenowith was standing in front of her husband Nate's "Coaster Shrine," which consists of dozens of amusement park postcards, books, onboard ride photos, videos, toothpick sculptures, and merchandise from the Absolutely Reliable Online Shoppe. Confirmation as to whether the sigh was directed at the items themselves, or was in regards to something else, could not be ascertained by ARN&R. However, Chenowith was also seen shaking her head each time she passed the shrine during the afternoon, lending credence to experts' belief that the sigh is indeed a direct response to her husband's collection.
Nate Chenowith himself could not be reached for comment on the matter. According to friends, he is currently in the midst of a three week Coaster-Looking-At Tour, during which he drives to twelve different states to view coasters from the road while imaging how cool they will be to experience on his three week Coaster Riding Spectacular in June.
--JCK
According to reliable eyewitnesses, Lili Chenowith, 34, sighed audibly this evening. At the time, Chenowith was standing in front of her husband Nate's "Coaster Shrine," which consists of dozens of amusement park postcards, books, onboard ride photos, videos, toothpick sculptures, and merchandise from the Absolutely Reliable Online Shoppe. Confirmation as to whether the sigh was directed at the items themselves, or was in regards to something else, could not be ascertained by ARN&R. However, Chenowith was also seen shaking her head each time she passed the shrine during the afternoon, lending credence to experts' belief that the sigh is indeed a direct response to her husband's collection.
Nate Chenowith himself could not be reached for comment on the matter. According to friends, he is currently in the midst of a three week Coaster-Looking-At Tour, during which he drives to twelve different states to view coasters from the road while imaging how cool they will be to experience on his three week Coaster Riding Spectacular in June.
--JCK
Sunday, March 16, 2003
ARN&R Nominated for Site of the Year, Promises to Stop Making Fun of CoasterBuzz Members
ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.
In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan --falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."
The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."
Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.
ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.
In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan --falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."
The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."
Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.
Rollercoaster Magazine Eaten by Cat
Many members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts have been puzzled by the failure of the fall issue of Rollercoaster Magazine to appear, sources tell ARN&R. The same sources also claim, though these claims have not been verified, that quite a few enthusiasts are also wondering where the hell their winter and perhaps even spring issues might be. ARN&R is proud to be the first online or print publication to announce where, indeed, the hell these issues are. ACE insiders inform us that, surprisingly, the fall and winter Rollercoaster Magazine issues were eaten by the cat. Literally.
"Rollercoaster Magazine was eaten by my cat," said editor Tom Rhodes. "Really. Princess Arjumand snuck into the ACE offices and ate every single scrap of every magazine the staff had labored over all these long months. I guess we'll have to start from scratch, so to speak."
"It's amazing how much one cat can eat," noted ACE president Carole Sanderson. "Boy, could that kitty pack it on. We might give her an honorary ACE membership, considering how much raw tonnage she can chow down. However, the more pressing concern right now is how to get the fall issue out on time. We'll just have to do our best and hope that feral rabbit that hangs around outside the ACE Outhouse Headquarters in Kansas doesn't poop all over it. ACE members must remain united in this time of turmoil."
Sanderson later added that "members need to be sure to renew their ACE memberships promptly, or they won't receive their magazines in the timely manner ACErs have become accustomed to."
--JCK
Many members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts have been puzzled by the failure of the fall issue of Rollercoaster Magazine to appear, sources tell ARN&R. The same sources also claim, though these claims have not been verified, that quite a few enthusiasts are also wondering where the hell their winter and perhaps even spring issues might be. ARN&R is proud to be the first online or print publication to announce where, indeed, the hell these issues are. ACE insiders inform us that, surprisingly, the fall and winter Rollercoaster Magazine issues were eaten by the cat. Literally.
"Rollercoaster Magazine was eaten by my cat," said editor Tom Rhodes. "Really. Princess Arjumand snuck into the ACE offices and ate every single scrap of every magazine the staff had labored over all these long months. I guess we'll have to start from scratch, so to speak."
"It's amazing how much one cat can eat," noted ACE president Carole Sanderson. "Boy, could that kitty pack it on. We might give her an honorary ACE membership, considering how much raw tonnage she can chow down. However, the more pressing concern right now is how to get the fall issue out on time. We'll just have to do our best and hope that feral rabbit that hangs around outside the ACE Outhouse Headquarters in Kansas doesn't poop all over it. ACE members must remain united in this time of turmoil."
Sanderson later added that "members need to be sure to renew their ACE memberships promptly, or they won't receive their magazines in the timely manner ACErs have become accustomed to."
--JCK
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Awful Grammar and Virulent Anti-ARN&R Sentiment Brilliantly Combined
ARN&R is pleased to announce that our humble little blog has again created violent irritation at the profoundly exceptional and influential ThemeParkCritic website. Amongst the amusing rants is Mrceagle's commentary, a piece of poetry, sculpture, and linguistic splendor so breathtaking in its power and comprehensible grammar that the feeble human mind can hardly be expected to grasp its genius. This icon of brilliant modern writing has been placed in its own category of supergenius-level thought by leading German philosophers and artists, who have labeled Mrceagle as the founder and hero of the Gesamtscheißewerk movement. Here is the gorgeous flowery verse, written (we think) in Farsi, Sanskrit, or Punjabi, exactly as it appears at ThemeParkCritic:
"obiasly someone has to much time on their hands. not to mention that they arn't reative enuf to rumer a resanable ride or one that you would lafe at. every one of tei atracions mentined ina deferant park would have sounded a little more realistic. same bull we had on UFH last year."
Take a deep breath, enjoy the sublime beauty of this moment in your lives, and then read the entire thread here.
ARN&R is pleased to announce that our humble little blog has again created violent irritation at the profoundly exceptional and influential ThemeParkCritic website. Amongst the amusing rants is Mrceagle's commentary, a piece of poetry, sculpture, and linguistic splendor so breathtaking in its power and comprehensible grammar that the feeble human mind can hardly be expected to grasp its genius. This icon of brilliant modern writing has been placed in its own category of supergenius-level thought by leading German philosophers and artists, who have labeled Mrceagle as the founder and hero of the Gesamtscheißewerk movement. Here is the gorgeous flowery verse, written (we think) in Farsi, Sanskrit, or Punjabi, exactly as it appears at ThemeParkCritic:
"obiasly someone has to much time on their hands. not to mention that they arn't reative enuf to rumer a resanable ride or one that you would lafe at. every one of tei atracions mentined ina deferant park would have sounded a little more realistic. same bull we had on UFH last year."
Take a deep breath, enjoy the sublime beauty of this moment in your lives, and then read the entire thread here.
Friday, March 14, 2003
Petting Zoo Goat Runs Amuck
Wild Adventures, a medium-sized theme park in Valdosta, Georgia, was devastated today by the antics of an out-of-control goat. The deranged member of the Capra genus has thrown the small community into an uproar seldom seen outside Valdosta State University football games and bumper surfing matches.
The goat, known to park employees as "Sam Barber," began his outrageous shenanigans by surprising 7-year-old Michael Torke from behind and stealing his ice cream cone. "The bad goat ate my ice cream!" wailed the child. He further elaborated that "then it tried to eat me!"
While experts dismiss the comments of Torke as a severe exaggeration of the truth, pointing out that goats are not carnivorous, the boy's mother did note that "the horrible little creature stole my child's food, and subsequently chased him into some goat s&*%. Now he's traumatized and keeps thinking small hoofed animals are going to chew on his succulent flesh. Also, it's not going to fun trying to clean all that goat s#%&* off his Zips."
Others were terrorized by the deadly animal throughout the day. "I was trying to give one of the sheep a pat on the head, and he kept glaring at me and scooting away," said coaster enthusiast Paul Creston, 46. "Maybe he'd had a bad experience with enthusiasts before...I think some of the ACE members at the park event here this January tried to catch and roast one of those sheep for lunch, maybe. Anyway, I was so distracted trying to pet the sheep that I didn't notice that filthy goat sneaking up, and he ate half of my precious Rampage T-shirt before I escaped. That thing should be taken out of the pen and shot."
Creston noted that "at least four or five other people had clothes torn apart and partially ingested by that thing, just during the time I was near the petting zoo."
"Now people are beginning to witness what happens when humans humiliate and enslave our happy mammalian friends," said Gordon Beeferman of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "This intelligent, beautiful creature has been forced to live in a big, wide pen getting stuffed with tasty morsels of food every day of his life. It's demeaning and horrifying, and we support this goat's assaults on disgusting humans who are taking advantage of him. Eat those shirts, Sam! Trick the human monsters into stepping on your goat poo! Gore those bastards on your horns!"
Beeferman then added, "ooooh, is that barbecue I smell? Mmmmmmmm....dang, that looks yummy. Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Yes, ma'am. Two platters, and don't skimp on the white meat. Of course I'm going to finish both plates myself."
Wild Adventures released a terse statement to the media, saying that "all patrons are warned about the possibility of goat naughtiness, and that people who pet the animals need to watch out for themselves that the their ice cream and stupid coaster shirts are not being chewed upon by hoofed barnyard creatures."
--JCK
Wild Adventures, a medium-sized theme park in Valdosta, Georgia, was devastated today by the antics of an out-of-control goat. The deranged member of the Capra genus has thrown the small community into an uproar seldom seen outside Valdosta State University football games and bumper surfing matches.
The goat, known to park employees as "Sam Barber," began his outrageous shenanigans by surprising 7-year-old Michael Torke from behind and stealing his ice cream cone. "The bad goat ate my ice cream!" wailed the child. He further elaborated that "then it tried to eat me!"
While experts dismiss the comments of Torke as a severe exaggeration of the truth, pointing out that goats are not carnivorous, the boy's mother did note that "the horrible little creature stole my child's food, and subsequently chased him into some goat s&*%. Now he's traumatized and keeps thinking small hoofed animals are going to chew on his succulent flesh. Also, it's not going to fun trying to clean all that goat s#%&* off his Zips."
Others were terrorized by the deadly animal throughout the day. "I was trying to give one of the sheep a pat on the head, and he kept glaring at me and scooting away," said coaster enthusiast Paul Creston, 46. "Maybe he'd had a bad experience with enthusiasts before...I think some of the ACE members at the park event here this January tried to catch and roast one of those sheep for lunch, maybe. Anyway, I was so distracted trying to pet the sheep that I didn't notice that filthy goat sneaking up, and he ate half of my precious Rampage T-shirt before I escaped. That thing should be taken out of the pen and shot."
Creston noted that "at least four or five other people had clothes torn apart and partially ingested by that thing, just during the time I was near the petting zoo."
"Now people are beginning to witness what happens when humans humiliate and enslave our happy mammalian friends," said Gordon Beeferman of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "This intelligent, beautiful creature has been forced to live in a big, wide pen getting stuffed with tasty morsels of food every day of his life. It's demeaning and horrifying, and we support this goat's assaults on disgusting humans who are taking advantage of him. Eat those shirts, Sam! Trick the human monsters into stepping on your goat poo! Gore those bastards on your horns!"
Beeferman then added, "ooooh, is that barbecue I smell? Mmmmmmmm....dang, that looks yummy. Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Yes, ma'am. Two platters, and don't skimp on the white meat. Of course I'm going to finish both plates myself."
Wild Adventures released a terse statement to the media, saying that "all patrons are warned about the possibility of goat naughtiness, and that people who pet the animals need to watch out for themselves that the their ice cream and stupid coaster shirts are not being chewed upon by hoofed barnyard creatures."
--JCK
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