Enthusiast Shocks Friends With Obscure Knowledge Unrelated to Coasters

Baltimore enthusiast Elroy Carr, 50, has been pleasantly shocking his friends recently with his surprising knowledge of events totally unrelated to roller coasters, sources tell ARN&R. Carr has, like most roller coaster aficionados, been infamous for boring family members and non-coaster-loving acquaintances with descriptions of favorite rides, parks, and ARN&R articles for a substantial percentage of the last few years. However, these friends of Carr's claim that the enthusiast has suddenly changed his tune this week.

"All Elroy ever talks about is how much Six Flags wipes his ass," said Leon Bartlett, 46. "But then, this week, it was like something came over him and made him a new man. He told some of us at lunch about how there was going to be a new moon throughout the Midwest on the last weekend in May, and then he went on to tell us interesting facts about obscure Indiana towns."

Bartlett added, "like, I never knew that the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame was in Jasper, or that Tell City has fast food establishments of nearly every imaginable type, but for some reason doesn't have a Burger King. It was pretty weird that Elroy knew these bizarre facts, and I'm not sure where he'd heard all this stuff, but I'll take weird over Swiss coaster design firms any time."

"Usually, I can't get Elroy to tell me anything except about the coaster trips he takes all over with this pal of his," stated Linda Murai, 47. "But then, out of the blue yesterday, he explained Indiana time to me in intricate detail. I'd always wondered what was up with those people, but I could never figure it out. Elroy said that most of the state was on Eastern Time all year, but that they did not follow Daylight Savings Time, effectively making them seem like Central Time Zone for the summer. Exceptions are a few counties near Chicago and Evanston, which are on Central Time and also follow Daylight Savings, and a few very eastern counties that are on Eatern Standard, but do follow Daylight Savings."

Murai added that "Elroy has taken a load off my mind with this intriguing discussion about something not remotely affiliated with coasters."

Dean Fetter, 61, was particularly impressed with Carr's recent interest in nineteenth-century American literature. "Normally, Elroy seems to just read travel guides and coffee-table books with big color photos of roller coasters. But he's spent the last several days reading the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Washington Irving. He seemed particularly obsessed with the poem "The Raven" and a story called "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." He talked about those works for literally hours the other night. He also told me he'd been listening to lots of music, especially Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz, Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky, and the theme from Halloween. I'm very proud. If this is Elroy's Evil Clone, I don't want the Good Elroy back!"

However, there are those who speculate more sinister motives from Carr, ones unrelated to a seeming desire for the coaster fan to expand his horizons. Says Burl Weiss, 65, "I'm deeply suspicious of all this purported knowledge and brain activity. Sure, Elroy's taken an interest in Poe and Irving. But if he knows so much about American literature, why hadn't he even heard of The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, or Catcher in the Rye? As for the music, I know for a fact that all he ever listens to are "Love Rollercoaster" and "Down at Palisades Park," so this sudden intimate awareness of Berlioz is pretty creepy.

Weiss also went on to declare the following: "It's pretty odd that Elroy would know so much about these tiny Indiana towns, but not anywhere else. For instance, I can't figure out why he'd know or have any concern with a state baseball museum when he failed, upon direct questioning, to remember that the professional baseball team in his own town is named "The Orioles," or that Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Jackie Robinson were baseball players. He thought all three of those guys worked for Arrow! I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that I'm going to be watching my damn back around this freak from now on."

{Editor's Note: Due to space restrictions, ARN&R was unable to print an exquisite article about how excited enthusiasts are gearing up for their yearly pilgrimage to Holiday World's Stark Raven Mad event. We deeply regret this inconvenience.]

--JCK

Family Schedules First Enthusiast Intervention

Tommy Wadley, 33, recently walked into what he thought was a winter gathering of fellow "coaster buds" to find that his family had put together an intervention. Decked out in an Alpengeist t-shirt and Six Flags St. Louis biker shorts with the slogan "Have YOU done the Boss?" adorning his crotch Wadley thought he was in for an afternoon of the movie "Rollercoaster" followed by the entire "America's Greatest" video series. "For some reason my parents felt that I needed a lifestyle alteration, but how can I alter anything when coasters are my life?!" he said.

"We felt it was time for a change," said Tommy's father Chip. "Its okay to have a hobby, but this was ridiculous. He spends every weekend at a park, works at a video store and hasn't accomplished anything in life. Well, I guess if you consider riding Shivering Timbers 100 times in a day an accomplishment, then, yes, he has done something of note."

Gloria, Tommy's mother, agreed. "We just don't understand why he can't balance his coaster fun with a life. The problem right now is that he doesn't have a life to balance the hobby with."

Tommy was shocked that the family felt a need to hire counselor Tom Hutchison. "I think that my life is well-rounded now. I eat at McDonalds and Checkers, chat online with friends about the Cedar Point & Magic Mountain coaster war and pleasure myself to 'Amusement Today' when I get horny. I know a lot of people are jealous of my vagabond lifestyle, but I think of myself more as a Renaissance Man, uniting everyone. And I live in my parents' basement as a way to help them out!"

The counselor, Hutchison, who ordinarily works with multiple-year heroin addicts, was amazed that someone could get so wrapped up in a hobby. "I have seen lots of people that have some sort of dissociative disorder or regressive social skills, but this guy takes the cake. Usually some people take time out for kids, friends, baths, and the like, but this guy has a one-track mind. In my professional opinion it is kind of, well, pathetic."

Gloria and Chip were rather dismayed at the intervention's outcome. "We had hoped he might shift some of his priorities around, but he just seems more intent than ever to ride. We are going to make it a little harder for him by choosing to stop paying his grocery and AOL bills. I guess it is time for Tommy to grow up."

"I really don't think anything was accomplished," said Wadley. "I am still going to up the ole' coaster count and be the king of the annual ACE eating contest at Coaster Con. There's no slowing me down!"

Six Flags St. Louis Admits: Boss Causes Pain

Debate has raged at Six Flags St. Louis since the opening of The Boss, a CCI wood terrain coaster, several years ago. While the ride has its devoted fans, many others have expressed the opinion that it is astoundingly painful due to the Gerstlauer trains it uses. ARN&R has it on good authority that Gerstlauer trains are under consideration for being banned at the next Geneva Convention.

Six Flags St. Louis officially put to rest the argument over the punishment doled out by The Boss recently on its website. As readers can see, the coaster has a description and stat sheet on the site; at the bottom, Custom Coasters is listed as the "manufracture" of The Boss. ARN&R applauds SFSTL for its honesty, though we challenge the park to provide splints, casts, and titanium rods for damaged passengers of the ride in the future.

--JCK

ACE Banned From Museum of Contemporary Art Gent

The amusement park and visual art worlds converged with a rare display of unification recently, with the display of an art exhibit called Roller Coaster, 2001, currently being shown at Belgium's Museum of Contemporary Art Ghent, inexplicably abbreviated as S.M.A.K. The exhibit, which consists of an actual sculpted, working small roller coaster set in an indoor art space at the museum, was crafted by Cai Guo-Qiang, 44, widely considered the most innovative and influential Chinese artist in the world at this time. However, the goodwill and exchange of ideas was brought to a halt this weekend, when the American Coaster Enthusiasts were permanently banned from S.M.A.K.

The difficulties began when a crowd of one hundred ACE members showed up at the museum last Saturday. After unsuccessfully demanding an ERT session of two hours on the installation, many ACErs began forming a line to ride the exhibit anyway.

"Since we weren't able to negotiate any ERT, picnics, or behind the scenes tours from the management, despite paying our entrance fee to this park like any old GP, we figured we should at least do some of our famous Western Pennsylvania ACE Region Informal Takeover Times," said regional rep David Harris. "The museum certainly seemed to have a major problem with our informal takeover of Roller Coaster. Informal takeovers don't cost parks any money, and bring them lots of good publicity. If S.M.A.K. can't make some sort of accommodation to coaster enthusiasts, we'll just never come to this sh*thole again. I mean, this is the only ride here! How can they justify the admission price when all they have are themed art exhibits, a shop, and one lame coaster? At least they should add some flat rides and a real adult coaster. Pathetic."

Said exhibit director Gunther Schadenfreude, pictured here in a cheeky moment involving paint and possibly too much time on his hands, "zees Coaster Enthusiasts vere riding ze installation, und making pig dog demands. Zis ve do not accept. Zey vill not disgrace our gesamtscheißewerke like zis. They shall never return here vile I am in charge!"

Chuckling cruelly, Schadenfreude added, "ve gave them big time S.M.A.K. down on ze way out, ja?"

Opinions on the ride varied amongst ACE members. Billy McTavich, 40, said "I didn't get to ride it. It looked cool, though. There's a nice swerving drop and what looked like a hint of airtime. Maybe the Guggenheim will bring the installation to the United States. To be honest, after that pile of crap Armani exhibit they clogged the aisles with a couple years back, they owe me a coaster."

However, fellow member Jackie Tucker, 21, stated that Roller Coaster “totally sucked, and isn’t built with larger riders in mind. I don’t recommend a visit to this park.”

--JCK

ACE Press Release Announces New Incentive for Attending Coaster Con
Pajama Party Offers "Get Laid" Guarantee

Ed. Note: The following was receved by ARN&R as an official press release from the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

If you thought our patch-covered jackets, ugly t-shirts, utter lack of social skills and bottomless buffets were the best ways for ACE members to break the ice and "get some," we have come up with a new way for you to put that box of condoms you have had undisturbed since 1985 to use. Yes, for the 2003 Coaster Con we are proud to present the ACE Pajama Party!

Just check out the flyer. From 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 17 ACE is offering a pajama party at the Richmond Marriott!

Think of how fun this will be. Hideous men and women untouched by human contact for years will gather in one room, bring movies and make awkward attempts at being social. Our organizers will start things off with showings of special amusement-park-oriented adult films such as the 1987 classic Riding the Magic Woodie and the more recent Hypersuckit XLC. If these don't get you a little hot and bothered there will be plenty of alcohol and food so you can work up the nerve to talk to that special someone. Granted, this will be the first time some of these people have been out of their house this year, but that just makes things easier.

There will be lots of swingin' singles for you to choose from, too! Let's look at just a couple:

Ladies, watch out for Tony Partridge. He is 36, single, a computer programmer, just moved out of his mom's house and is ready to hit the town. His "C:Dos, C:Dos\Run, Run:Dos\Run" shirt is sure to leave you in stitches and break any uncomfortable tension. And his inability to look at anything besides your breasts is just a little quirky tic he has.

Hey guys, watch out for "Sassy" Susie Stillman. She is 32, single, just got promoted to the night shift associate assistant manager at the Walgreens in Menomonee, Wisconsin, and rents a stylish 1970's duplex. Sure, she's a little pale, but after a few beers you'll think you're in bed with a young co-ed instead of Casper the Ghost.

Because there will be so many attractive singles for you to choose from (noting the 20:1 male to female ratio) we are proud to say that we will offer you a $100 refund if you do not get laid at this party.

Remember the deadline for Coaster Con is soon! This week will offer over ten food-related events and several of those occasions have the words "all you can eat" in them. We are proud to say that our new Pajama Party will give that term a whole new meaning.

No Eighth-Rate Celebrities Brained By Geese Yet This Season
Busch Gardens Williamsburg Offers Apologies to the Nation

In a press conference this afternoon, tearful and crestfallen Busch Gardens Williamsburg representatives apologized to the American public for failing to injure any low-grade, virtually useless celebrities yet this season. Said Tom Lancey, "We really socked it to that wanker Fabio a few years back, what with that monster goose splattering right in his square jaw while he was helping celebrate the opening of Apollo's Chariot. We got so much great publicity out of that, we've tried ever since to stick it to minor entertainment figures when they visit the park, to no avail. A couple years ago, we added 300 new fowl to the park, hoping they would assault Corey Feldman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Gary Coleman. No luck."

Lancey continued: "Last season, we took to actually hurling goose and duck carcasses directly at full trainloads of Apollo riders, trying to nail eighth-rate visiting stars like Tiffany, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and the clearly retarded David Arquette. Still no luck. And we missed that repulsive Carrot Top bastard twelve times on this season's opening day, despite our expensive new computerized system that catapults swans and ostriches toward useless celebrities with what we assumed to be a great degree of accuracy. We suck. Fabio, please come back and help us out. Take another one in the face for us."

When interviewed by reporters, a Busch Gardens wild turkey named Mr. Squawkers, who resides at the far turnaround of Apollo's Chariot and has frequently been seen diving at movie and music personalities of minimal acceptability, had this to say: "Gobble, gobble, gobble!!! Bu-kok, bu-gobble! Cluck! Gobbledy gobble gooble gobble!"

Then he added, angrily, "Gobble gobble gobble!!!"

Fabio refused to be interviewed for this story, but his agent told ARN&R that the heartthrob "is still deeply offended and upset by the unprovoked avian assault, as the injuries Fabio sustained all but ended his dream of simultaneously becoming a nuclear physicist, plant geneticist, brain surgeon, and angst-ridden poet."

--JCK

ARN&R Fails To Win Coasterbuzz Site of Year Award

Coasterbuzz recently posted its list of 2003 awards, and ARN&R is deeply disturbed and concerned that our site did not win. Actually, we barely managed to finish out of last place, despite the fact that we helpfully provided instructions on how to vote multiple times by emptying your cache and cookies. We are therefore unable to follow up on our promise that, if we were victorious, we would never insult or mock any idiots (like Xfan) who post at Coasterbuzz, nor will we be switching our format to consist entirely of fawning portraits of Vekoma, Premier, Six Flags, and the most succulent amusement park foods on sticks. We regret that we must continue savagely mocking enthusiasts and parks for the foreseeable future. You have only yourselves to blame.

Six Flags America Revises CoasterCon Add-On Day Plans

Reacting to widespread enthusiast outrage over its flyer announcing an add-on day following the 2003 ACE Coaster Convention, Six Flags America hastened to release a new schedule today.

"We were shocked at the negative publicity created by our proposed day at Six Flags," stated SFA manager Bud Billingsworth. "We felt sure that hundreds of devoted coaster fans would pay $35, plus $9 parking, for the rare privilege of a Saturday in our filthy, crowded, gangland park, with a monster full hour of morning ERT thrown in for good measure. Also there was the alluring promise of fried chicken, ziti, hot dogs, and metric assloads of thick gravy to tempt those ACErs. I guess we miscalculated."

Following what Billingsworth called "an unending stream of abusive emails, chat group postings, and threatening phone calls," the manager retracted the earlier itinerary. The new version of the event was posted to the ACE website tonight.

"We do listen to our customers," insisted Billingsworth. "We are now planning to offer this exciting add-on day for only $34.99, with parking for a mere $8.99. Also, the pitiful one hour of morning coaster ERT has been removed in favor of an exciting one hour of Security Frisking ERT! Each ACE member will receive an hour of personal searching from a burly security guard. The excitement will be in not knowing if the guard will merely pat the ACE member down, run a metal detector over him, engage in a full body cavity search, or tackle him and club him senseless for suspicion of having metal objects like, say, keys, which could be used as weapons. We're also planning to give 7 hours of night ERT on the one-of-a-kind thrill attraction Mind Eraser. And to the lunch menu we will add that suet buffet that ACE members have been craving. Hopefully ACE members will be pleased with our efforts on their behalf, and we'll expect to see each and every one of them at our gorgeous park!"

--JCK

A Special April Fool's Day Reminder From ARN&R

We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that there are websites out there in cyberland that propagate the spread of misleading and downright ridiculous rumors regarding the amusement industry. Particularly at this time of year, or, more specifically, this day of the year, newsgroups and websites tend to present a great deal of outlandish information for the sole purpose of leading honest coaster enthusiasts astray. We encourage our readers to take any information gleaned on this day with more than a grain of salt, unless of course the information comes directly from ARN&R, the only "absolutely reliable" source of honest, straight, undeniable true facts regarding your favorite and/or most loathed amusement parks and ride manufacturers.

With that in mind, ARN&R is happy to confirm the absolute veracity of the following rumors, according to our loyal spies within various park managements:

1) Magnum really is sinking into Lake Erie. The rate of sinkage is estimated to be more than a foot per year currently, meaning the ride will lose its coveted "hypercoaster" status within half a decade. Cedar Point plans to use sandbags, reroute water patterns, and eventually move the historic landmark several hundred yards inland from its present location.

2) Paramount King's Island will tear down the Vortex. Although many enthusiasts were hoping the park would do so purely out of spite, PKI actually intends to re-install The Bat, claiming that "even though it broke down for months at a time, at least it didn't induce seizures and comas."

3) Dorney Park will finally open those dueling wood standup inverted air-launched coasters we've been hearing so much about.

4) Sea World California will, for no apparent reason, construct a massive immersive ride based on the music of Gustav Mahler.

5) ARN&R will be listed for the first time as a Fortune 500 company.

6) Your Rollercoaster Magazine will appear in your mailbox this week. No, not the 2002 Summer issue. The 2003 Winter issue.

7) The trains on Six Flags World of Adventure's X-Flight will be turned to face backward for the 2003 season.

8) Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park will turn It's a Small World into a shooting gallery attraction.

9) All ACE event buffets will feature double the tonnage of gristly, dripping meats on sticks for your enjoyment. Also, there will be more gravy.

10) Hundreds of hot, intelligent, scantily-clad, single, very horny, college-aged girls, who adore coasters and their enthusiasts, will be attending each and every coaster event this coming season. Maybe even Jessica Alba, if we let her out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion like we promised, but wished we hadn't.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Not So Enthusiastic

As this season opens for many theme parks, enthusiasts are not so enthusiastic over this year's offerings.

"Heck," states teen enthusiast Brent Bittlespoon, "the only truly exciting ride to come along is Top Thrill Dragster, and I envision lines so long one would not expect to ride the thing until late 2004."

Michael McGowen concurs, "Very few parks are offering new rides and, due to the fact my computer is still running Windows 95 and cannot accommodate RollerCoaster Tycoon, I am just too tired from masturbating to care whether Scream is a scream or not."

"I could see traveling the few extra miles to King's Dominion if they offered a new buffet-style restaurant this season," mumbled Cynthia Hogsworth, "but all they got is a new Drop Tower...How booooooring."

So many enthusiasts around the country are grumbling over the lackluster 2003 season, many parks are considering canceling the season altogether and jumping right in to the 2004 season.

"This would be fantastic!" Exclaimed ARN&Rs JCK. "It would mean the opening of such rides as DCA's Tower of Terror, just to name one."

The 2003 season was so poorly planned that Six Flags's brochures include not one smiling face among the batch. "It was difficult enough to get weary park patrons willing enough to sign over their rights just to pose for the pics, nevermind smile for them," claimed SF park representative Marlene Hamper-Tertertitio. "We just hope the opening of Six Flags New Orleans will make up for the lost profits from all our 34 other parks."

Busch Gardens' parks are going to rely on new flowers and shrubs to draw new crowds. Paramount execs will pray for a new hit film they can base an attraction on before season's end. Universal plans nothing but cutbacks. And, once again, Disney representatives had no comment.

--RAS