Raging Wolf Bobs to be Even More Incredible

Excited enthusiasts were restrained today from storming the gates of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, immediately following an announcement by the park that Raging Wolf Bobs would be receiving Gerstlauer trains for the next season. Park security was unprepared for the deluge of rabid Gerstlauer fans, reputed to be in excess of 1000 (people, not average raw tonnage), and was forced to summon the National Guard. Although the throng of devoted Gerstlauer fans managed to damage the main gates and entry plaza, the Guardsmen quickly subdued them with a hail of rubber bullets and C2 grenades, as well as knight sticks and elephant tranquilizer guns.

"We are upset by this violent turn of events," stated Gary Biacovsky, manager of the park. "Still, we are pleased by the outpouring of support for our policy of improving this classic woodie and making it all the more scrumptious. We encourage all these rioting heathen to return with their families in order to experience the wonder and majesty of Raging Wolf Bobs with the finest steel and hard fiberglass coaster cars ever created!"

"We were in rapture," stated Matt Bessemer, an Ohio enthusiast, from the prison holding cell where he had just been successfully anally violated by a large thug named "Ben Dover." "We just got kind of carried away and started attacking the guards who wouldn't let us ride Raging Wolf Bobs right then and there. I mean, can you imagine what it's going to be like? Raging Wolf Bobs, the legendary Summers and Dinn creation with such smooth track, incredible speed, bountiful airtime, and no shuffling and banging whatsoever, combined with the most sublime granite-encased rolling stock on the planet? The new incarnation of this ride is sure to kick the ass off of Shivering Timbers and Tremors in Mitch Hawker's next poll!"

In related news, SFWOA said it was pondering buying some used Morgan cars for use on Villain, in the hopes of making it all the tastier, as well.

--JCK

Fun With Search Engines

Yes, indeed, we got not one but two visitors recently searching for "Jessica Alba belching." Thanks, Google! Glad to be number two on that list!

And to those of you who came here looking for Denise Richards scratching herself, Heather Graham farting, or Cameron Diaz treating head lice, we say: Welcome! We make fun of the amusement industry and coaster enthusiasts! We're sure this is just exactly what you were looking for!

Area Man Doesn't Understand Why Co-Workers Don't Like to Discuss Coasters

Todd Simmons, 29, an associate regional manager at local manufacturer DynaAcmeCorp, can't figure out why his co-workers don't like hearing about his coaster trips. "I go somewhere almost every weekend," he said. "I would think that they would appreciate my insight into the non-essential trim brakes on Alpengeist or an in-depth analysis comparing GCI and CCI's track work. But they tend to start fidgeting almost immediately and claiming to have a lot of work to do."

"That guy just won't shut the hell up!" said Steve Pritchard, who has the cubicle next to Simmons. "Everyday its Millennium Force this, Superman Ride of Steel that. That guy just needs to keep it to himself."

Lars Jankowski, the company's I.T. manager, agreed. "It's great that this guy likes what he does, but come on, no one here gives a shit. Todd seems to think that I care about why X is the future of coasters. The truth is, I don't. I used to be indifferent to amusement parks and now I downright hate them --- and it's all because of Todd."

During an afternoon break three office interns had to be "rescued" from Simmons when he had them cornered in the break room talking about the "inherent smoothness" of B&M roller coasters. One threatened to quit the company, but the area manager promised them that they no longer have to talk with Simmons on a regular basis.

When asked what would help office morale, Pritchard said simply, "That guy needs to get laid."

--FMB

Busch Gardens to Close France

Following the lead of Congress's cafeteria, which recently renamed French fries "Freedom Fries," Busch Gardens Williamsburg announced today it would be closing the French section of their park.

"We can’t risk customers coming to our park and becoming uncomfortable or alienated with their surroundings," stated park spokeswoman Lillary Hutchinson, "Keeping France open would be hypocritical, at least. We will be removing France from park maps and all signage. We will offer no French souvenirs, trinkets or doo-dads. Wines and cheeses will be dumped into the Rhine River. In fact, nowhere in the park will the ‘F’ word be spoken. And all the F‘n Cast Members will be terminated."

The French Quarter of Canada will remain, however. "We cannot blame Canada for their past engagements with the ‘F’ country," continued Hutchinson, "The Quarter will now be known as the ‘Freedom Quarter‘, or ‘F/Q’ for short."

Several alternative European countries have been discussed as replacements: "We tossed around Great Britain, Italy, Germany and Greece," touted Ms. Hutchinson, "until we realized we already had those. We might as well go for Denmark, although there always seems to be something rotten there and we may not want that."

Destruction of the buildings has already begun. Cobblestone avenues have been torn up. Bisque dolls have been placed on the various coasters without safety restraints. Fine crystal ware has been smashed, melted down and made into tacky British ashtrays. "We now have the space for a truly good attraction and promise to have something thrown together by Memorial Day," continued Ms. Hutchinson. "After all, our ultimate goal is to make money...er...I mean, to have our guests leaving the park with the feeling they actually may want to return."

--RAS

Enthusiast Shocks Friends With Obscure Knowledge Unrelated to Coasters

Baltimore enthusiast Elroy Carr, 50, has been pleasantly shocking his friends recently with his surprising knowledge of events totally unrelated to roller coasters, sources tell ARN&R. Carr has, like most roller coaster aficionados, been infamous for boring family members and non-coaster-loving acquaintances with descriptions of favorite rides, parks, and ARN&R articles for a substantial percentage of the last few years. However, these friends of Carr's claim that the enthusiast has suddenly changed his tune this week.

"All Elroy ever talks about is how much Six Flags wipes his ass," said Leon Bartlett, 46. "But then, this week, it was like something came over him and made him a new man. He told some of us at lunch about how there was going to be a new moon throughout the Midwest on the last weekend in May, and then he went on to tell us interesting facts about obscure Indiana towns."

Bartlett added, "like, I never knew that the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame was in Jasper, or that Tell City has fast food establishments of nearly every imaginable type, but for some reason doesn't have a Burger King. It was pretty weird that Elroy knew these bizarre facts, and I'm not sure where he'd heard all this stuff, but I'll take weird over Swiss coaster design firms any time."

"Usually, I can't get Elroy to tell me anything except about the coaster trips he takes all over with this pal of his," stated Linda Murai, 47. "But then, out of the blue yesterday, he explained Indiana time to me in intricate detail. I'd always wondered what was up with those people, but I could never figure it out. Elroy said that most of the state was on Eastern Time all year, but that they did not follow Daylight Savings Time, effectively making them seem like Central Time Zone for the summer. Exceptions are a few counties near Chicago and Evanston, which are on Central Time and also follow Daylight Savings, and a few very eastern counties that are on Eatern Standard, but do follow Daylight Savings."

Murai added that "Elroy has taken a load off my mind with this intriguing discussion about something not remotely affiliated with coasters."

Dean Fetter, 61, was particularly impressed with Carr's recent interest in nineteenth-century American literature. "Normally, Elroy seems to just read travel guides and coffee-table books with big color photos of roller coasters. But he's spent the last several days reading the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Washington Irving. He seemed particularly obsessed with the poem "The Raven" and a story called "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." He talked about those works for literally hours the other night. He also told me he'd been listening to lots of music, especially Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz, Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky, and the theme from Halloween. I'm very proud. If this is Elroy's Evil Clone, I don't want the Good Elroy back!"

However, there are those who speculate more sinister motives from Carr, ones unrelated to a seeming desire for the coaster fan to expand his horizons. Says Burl Weiss, 65, "I'm deeply suspicious of all this purported knowledge and brain activity. Sure, Elroy's taken an interest in Poe and Irving. But if he knows so much about American literature, why hadn't he even heard of The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, or Catcher in the Rye? As for the music, I know for a fact that all he ever listens to are "Love Rollercoaster" and "Down at Palisades Park," so this sudden intimate awareness of Berlioz is pretty creepy.

Weiss also went on to declare the following: "It's pretty odd that Elroy would know so much about these tiny Indiana towns, but not anywhere else. For instance, I can't figure out why he'd know or have any concern with a state baseball museum when he failed, upon direct questioning, to remember that the professional baseball team in his own town is named "The Orioles," or that Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Jackie Robinson were baseball players. He thought all three of those guys worked for Arrow! I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that I'm going to be watching my damn back around this freak from now on."

{Editor's Note: Due to space restrictions, ARN&R was unable to print an exquisite article about how excited enthusiasts are gearing up for their yearly pilgrimage to Holiday World's Stark Raven Mad event. We deeply regret this inconvenience.]

--JCK

Family Schedules First Enthusiast Intervention

Tommy Wadley, 33, recently walked into what he thought was a winter gathering of fellow "coaster buds" to find that his family had put together an intervention. Decked out in an Alpengeist t-shirt and Six Flags St. Louis biker shorts with the slogan "Have YOU done the Boss?" adorning his crotch Wadley thought he was in for an afternoon of the movie "Rollercoaster" followed by the entire "America's Greatest" video series. "For some reason my parents felt that I needed a lifestyle alteration, but how can I alter anything when coasters are my life?!" he said.

"We felt it was time for a change," said Tommy's father Chip. "Its okay to have a hobby, but this was ridiculous. He spends every weekend at a park, works at a video store and hasn't accomplished anything in life. Well, I guess if you consider riding Shivering Timbers 100 times in a day an accomplishment, then, yes, he has done something of note."

Gloria, Tommy's mother, agreed. "We just don't understand why he can't balance his coaster fun with a life. The problem right now is that he doesn't have a life to balance the hobby with."

Tommy was shocked that the family felt a need to hire counselor Tom Hutchison. "I think that my life is well-rounded now. I eat at McDonalds and Checkers, chat online with friends about the Cedar Point & Magic Mountain coaster war and pleasure myself to 'Amusement Today' when I get horny. I know a lot of people are jealous of my vagabond lifestyle, but I think of myself more as a Renaissance Man, uniting everyone. And I live in my parents' basement as a way to help them out!"

The counselor, Hutchison, who ordinarily works with multiple-year heroin addicts, was amazed that someone could get so wrapped up in a hobby. "I have seen lots of people that have some sort of dissociative disorder or regressive social skills, but this guy takes the cake. Usually some people take time out for kids, friends, baths, and the like, but this guy has a one-track mind. In my professional opinion it is kind of, well, pathetic."

Gloria and Chip were rather dismayed at the intervention's outcome. "We had hoped he might shift some of his priorities around, but he just seems more intent than ever to ride. We are going to make it a little harder for him by choosing to stop paying his grocery and AOL bills. I guess it is time for Tommy to grow up."

"I really don't think anything was accomplished," said Wadley. "I am still going to up the ole' coaster count and be the king of the annual ACE eating contest at Coaster Con. There's no slowing me down!"

Six Flags St. Louis Admits: Boss Causes Pain

Debate has raged at Six Flags St. Louis since the opening of The Boss, a CCI wood terrain coaster, several years ago. While the ride has its devoted fans, many others have expressed the opinion that it is astoundingly painful due to the Gerstlauer trains it uses. ARN&R has it on good authority that Gerstlauer trains are under consideration for being banned at the next Geneva Convention.

Six Flags St. Louis officially put to rest the argument over the punishment doled out by The Boss recently on its website. As readers can see, the coaster has a description and stat sheet on the site; at the bottom, Custom Coasters is listed as the "manufracture" of The Boss. ARN&R applauds SFSTL for its honesty, though we challenge the park to provide splints, casts, and titanium rods for damaged passengers of the ride in the future.

--JCK

ACE Banned From Museum of Contemporary Art Gent

The amusement park and visual art worlds converged with a rare display of unification recently, with the display of an art exhibit called Roller Coaster, 2001, currently being shown at Belgium's Museum of Contemporary Art Ghent, inexplicably abbreviated as S.M.A.K. The exhibit, which consists of an actual sculpted, working small roller coaster set in an indoor art space at the museum, was crafted by Cai Guo-Qiang, 44, widely considered the most innovative and influential Chinese artist in the world at this time. However, the goodwill and exchange of ideas was brought to a halt this weekend, when the American Coaster Enthusiasts were permanently banned from S.M.A.K.

The difficulties began when a crowd of one hundred ACE members showed up at the museum last Saturday. After unsuccessfully demanding an ERT session of two hours on the installation, many ACErs began forming a line to ride the exhibit anyway.

"Since we weren't able to negotiate any ERT, picnics, or behind the scenes tours from the management, despite paying our entrance fee to this park like any old GP, we figured we should at least do some of our famous Western Pennsylvania ACE Region Informal Takeover Times," said regional rep David Harris. "The museum certainly seemed to have a major problem with our informal takeover of Roller Coaster. Informal takeovers don't cost parks any money, and bring them lots of good publicity. If S.M.A.K. can't make some sort of accommodation to coaster enthusiasts, we'll just never come to this sh*thole again. I mean, this is the only ride here! How can they justify the admission price when all they have are themed art exhibits, a shop, and one lame coaster? At least they should add some flat rides and a real adult coaster. Pathetic."

Said exhibit director Gunther Schadenfreude, pictured here in a cheeky moment involving paint and possibly too much time on his hands, "zees Coaster Enthusiasts vere riding ze installation, und making pig dog demands. Zis ve do not accept. Zey vill not disgrace our gesamtscheißewerke like zis. They shall never return here vile I am in charge!"

Chuckling cruelly, Schadenfreude added, "ve gave them big time S.M.A.K. down on ze way out, ja?"

Opinions on the ride varied amongst ACE members. Billy McTavich, 40, said "I didn't get to ride it. It looked cool, though. There's a nice swerving drop and what looked like a hint of airtime. Maybe the Guggenheim will bring the installation to the United States. To be honest, after that pile of crap Armani exhibit they clogged the aisles with a couple years back, they owe me a coaster."

However, fellow member Jackie Tucker, 21, stated that Roller Coaster “totally sucked, and isn’t built with larger riders in mind. I don’t recommend a visit to this park.”

--JCK

ACE Press Release Announces New Incentive for Attending Coaster Con
Pajama Party Offers "Get Laid" Guarantee

Ed. Note: The following was receved by ARN&R as an official press release from the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

If you thought our patch-covered jackets, ugly t-shirts, utter lack of social skills and bottomless buffets were the best ways for ACE members to break the ice and "get some," we have come up with a new way for you to put that box of condoms you have had undisturbed since 1985 to use. Yes, for the 2003 Coaster Con we are proud to present the ACE Pajama Party!

Just check out the flyer. From 8:00 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Tuesday, June 17 ACE is offering a pajama party at the Richmond Marriott!

Think of how fun this will be. Hideous men and women untouched by human contact for years will gather in one room, bring movies and make awkward attempts at being social. Our organizers will start things off with showings of special amusement-park-oriented adult films such as the 1987 classic Riding the Magic Woodie and the more recent Hypersuckit XLC. If these don't get you a little hot and bothered there will be plenty of alcohol and food so you can work up the nerve to talk to that special someone. Granted, this will be the first time some of these people have been out of their house this year, but that just makes things easier.

There will be lots of swingin' singles for you to choose from, too! Let's look at just a couple:

Ladies, watch out for Tony Partridge. He is 36, single, a computer programmer, just moved out of his mom's house and is ready to hit the town. His "C:Dos, C:Dos\Run, Run:Dos\Run" shirt is sure to leave you in stitches and break any uncomfortable tension. And his inability to look at anything besides your breasts is just a little quirky tic he has.

Hey guys, watch out for "Sassy" Susie Stillman. She is 32, single, just got promoted to the night shift associate assistant manager at the Walgreens in Menomonee, Wisconsin, and rents a stylish 1970's duplex. Sure, she's a little pale, but after a few beers you'll think you're in bed with a young co-ed instead of Casper the Ghost.

Because there will be so many attractive singles for you to choose from (noting the 20:1 male to female ratio) we are proud to say that we will offer you a $100 refund if you do not get laid at this party.

Remember the deadline for Coaster Con is soon! This week will offer over ten food-related events and several of those occasions have the words "all you can eat" in them. We are proud to say that our new Pajama Party will give that term a whole new meaning.

No Eighth-Rate Celebrities Brained By Geese Yet This Season
Busch Gardens Williamsburg Offers Apologies to the Nation

In a press conference this afternoon, tearful and crestfallen Busch Gardens Williamsburg representatives apologized to the American public for failing to injure any low-grade, virtually useless celebrities yet this season. Said Tom Lancey, "We really socked it to that wanker Fabio a few years back, what with that monster goose splattering right in his square jaw while he was helping celebrate the opening of Apollo's Chariot. We got so much great publicity out of that, we've tried ever since to stick it to minor entertainment figures when they visit the park, to no avail. A couple years ago, we added 300 new fowl to the park, hoping they would assault Corey Feldman, Anna Nicole Smith, and Gary Coleman. No luck."

Lancey continued: "Last season, we took to actually hurling goose and duck carcasses directly at full trainloads of Apollo riders, trying to nail eighth-rate visiting stars like Tiffany, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, and the clearly retarded David Arquette. Still no luck. And we missed that repulsive Carrot Top bastard twelve times on this season's opening day, despite our expensive new computerized system that catapults swans and ostriches toward useless celebrities with what we assumed to be a great degree of accuracy. We suck. Fabio, please come back and help us out. Take another one in the face for us."

When interviewed by reporters, a Busch Gardens wild turkey named Mr. Squawkers, who resides at the far turnaround of Apollo's Chariot and has frequently been seen diving at movie and music personalities of minimal acceptability, had this to say: "Gobble, gobble, gobble!!! Bu-kok, bu-gobble! Cluck! Gobbledy gobble gooble gobble!"

Then he added, angrily, "Gobble gobble gobble!!!"

Fabio refused to be interviewed for this story, but his agent told ARN&R that the heartthrob "is still deeply offended and upset by the unprovoked avian assault, as the injuries Fabio sustained all but ended his dream of simultaneously becoming a nuclear physicist, plant geneticist, brain surgeon, and angst-ridden poet."

--JCK