Discovery Announces Enthusiasts Gone Wild Series of DVDs

The Discovery Channel announced today a new series of videos entitled Enthusiasts Gone Wild, featuring the most crazy and uncensored outtakes from the network's years of amusement park-oriented documentaries.

"We just realized we had warehouses of raw footage -- and I mean raw!" exclaimed Discovery spokesman Brad Welsh in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Acres and acres of bare skin, gravy being slathered all over masses of humanity, and the craziest on-ride photos you've ever seen! I'm still having nightmares!"

An advance screening by ARN&R's television critic reveals that events held at Cedar Point are most prominently featured. Among the highlights are clips of the passionate but unsurprisingly short on-ride consummation of the wedding of two unnamed ACE members at a special late-night ride on Gemini, a fully nude Dance Dance Revolution competition, and a naked and oiled game of Twister on the plaza in front of Wicked Twister, including a round with the entire administrative staff of Cedar Fair. The DVD also includes a short piece featuring creative placement and use of park iron-on patches.

A special bonus section features the wildest stunts pulled by enthusiasts hoping to get early access to buffets. The section features a five-minute montage of enthusiasts baring their chests at buffet guards, who invariably recoil in horror and allow access.

A planned second DVD, entitled "Wildest Enthusiast Mullets," is expected to be released in time for Christmas.

[Editor's Note: You can create your own wildest enthusiast videos! Go buy a thong and go nuts with the video camera! Just don't send us the video. Please. For the love of God.]

Events Upcoming: Offend Your Fellow Enthusiasts!

As perhaps you have forgotten, we here at ARN&R have an innovative plan that permits you to give us money in return for stuff. We even have a new t-shirt referencing urination! And nothing says "Put me on Discovery!" like a t-shirt featuring someone taking a leak. We also have various forms of underwear adorned with double entendres (really more like single entendres), license plate frames, and picture frames for your on-ride photos, all at prices that seem reasonable compared to those at actual amusement parks.

So go shopping for yourself, for your theoretical boy or girlfriend, for your grandma -- heck, do your Christmas shopping now! Buy stuff! It's the American way!

Enthusiast Adopts Child to Improve Credit Count

Joe Lekowski, a Pennsylvania-area enthusiast with more than 150 coasters to his credit, was looking for that extra edge to get to the next level. International travel was out of the question, as his employment in the stock room at Wal-Mart precluded any travel not depended on his 1992 Honda Accord (and because he feared that he'd find himself in a terrifying foreign land without a Chick-Fil-A), and he'd already visted a high percentage of the parks within domestic driving distance.

In the off season, he spent hours, if not days, contemplating how he could reach 250 or perhaps even 300 coasters and surpass his nemesis, known only as DejaVroomin at ThrillNetwork's forums.

Then he had what he describes as a "eureka!" moment. There were dozens and dozens of children's coasters that he'd never ridden due to his single childless status; if he had a child, he could increase his count enormously in just days. But how to obtain a child? Traditional means were out of the question, due to his utter lack of prospects for a partner and certain other medical hurdles. And his acquaintances with children tended to obtain restraining orders when he asked to "borrow" their children.

But then, while watching a late-night repeat broadcast of Las Vegas's Badasssss Thrill Rides on the Travel Channel, he saw an advertisement seeking funds to feed hungry African children. That was the breakthrough Lekowski was looking for. He wouldn't just pay for rice and beans, he would actually adopt a child and provide the child with all the funnel cakes imaginable.

So now, Lekowski is the proud father of Idowu Babatunde "Stan" Lekowski, a fourteen-year-old boy from Nigeria. Lekowski initially sought an Asian child due to the extended period during which the child might be short enough to get Joe onto kids' coasters, but Idowu had the good fortune of being born with a genetic abnormality, leading doctors to predict that he will never stand taller than 34 inches. "It's perfect!" exclaimed the senior Lekowski. "So long as we keep him shaved, this kid can get me into Jeepers! until he's thirty!"

"Stan" lives in a separate corner of Joe's parents' basement and is learning English exclusively through his father's extensive collection of self-created on-ride video footage. In an exclusive ARN&R interview on the subject of the emotional impact of his adoption and integration into U.S. culture, he said, "Whoooo-hoo!! Check out that airtime! I've got a woodie, I mean, I love this woodie! Whooooo! The lats!"

Raging Wolf Bobs to be Even More Incredible

Excited enthusiasts were restrained today from storming the gates of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, immediately following an announcement by the park that Raging Wolf Bobs would be receiving Gerstlauer trains for the next season. Park security was unprepared for the deluge of rabid Gerstlauer fans, reputed to be in excess of 1000 (people, not average raw tonnage), and was forced to summon the National Guard. Although the throng of devoted Gerstlauer fans managed to damage the main gates and entry plaza, the Guardsmen quickly subdued them with a hail of rubber bullets and C2 grenades, as well as knight sticks and elephant tranquilizer guns.

"We are upset by this violent turn of events," stated Gary Biacovsky, manager of the park. "Still, we are pleased by the outpouring of support for our policy of improving this classic woodie and making it all the more scrumptious. We encourage all these rioting heathen to return with their families in order to experience the wonder and majesty of Raging Wolf Bobs with the finest steel and hard fiberglass coaster cars ever created!"

"We were in rapture," stated Matt Bessemer, an Ohio enthusiast, from the prison holding cell where he had just been successfully anally violated by a large thug named "Ben Dover." "We just got kind of carried away and started attacking the guards who wouldn't let us ride Raging Wolf Bobs right then and there. I mean, can you imagine what it's going to be like? Raging Wolf Bobs, the legendary Summers and Dinn creation with such smooth track, incredible speed, bountiful airtime, and no shuffling and banging whatsoever, combined with the most sublime granite-encased rolling stock on the planet? The new incarnation of this ride is sure to kick the ass off of Shivering Timbers and Tremors in Mitch Hawker's next poll!"

In related news, SFWOA said it was pondering buying some used Morgan cars for use on Villain, in the hopes of making it all the tastier, as well.

--JCK

Fun With Search Engines

Yes, indeed, we got not one but two visitors recently searching for "Jessica Alba belching." Thanks, Google! Glad to be number two on that list!

And to those of you who came here looking for Denise Richards scratching herself, Heather Graham farting, or Cameron Diaz treating head lice, we say: Welcome! We make fun of the amusement industry and coaster enthusiasts! We're sure this is just exactly what you were looking for!

Area Man Doesn't Understand Why Co-Workers Don't Like to Discuss Coasters

Todd Simmons, 29, an associate regional manager at local manufacturer DynaAcmeCorp, can't figure out why his co-workers don't like hearing about his coaster trips. "I go somewhere almost every weekend," he said. "I would think that they would appreciate my insight into the non-essential trim brakes on Alpengeist or an in-depth analysis comparing GCI and CCI's track work. But they tend to start fidgeting almost immediately and claiming to have a lot of work to do."

"That guy just won't shut the hell up!" said Steve Pritchard, who has the cubicle next to Simmons. "Everyday its Millennium Force this, Superman Ride of Steel that. That guy just needs to keep it to himself."

Lars Jankowski, the company's I.T. manager, agreed. "It's great that this guy likes what he does, but come on, no one here gives a shit. Todd seems to think that I care about why X is the future of coasters. The truth is, I don't. I used to be indifferent to amusement parks and now I downright hate them --- and it's all because of Todd."

During an afternoon break three office interns had to be "rescued" from Simmons when he had them cornered in the break room talking about the "inherent smoothness" of B&M roller coasters. One threatened to quit the company, but the area manager promised them that they no longer have to talk with Simmons on a regular basis.

When asked what would help office morale, Pritchard said simply, "That guy needs to get laid."

--FMB

Busch Gardens to Close France

Following the lead of Congress's cafeteria, which recently renamed French fries "Freedom Fries," Busch Gardens Williamsburg announced today it would be closing the French section of their park.

"We can’t risk customers coming to our park and becoming uncomfortable or alienated with their surroundings," stated park spokeswoman Lillary Hutchinson, "Keeping France open would be hypocritical, at least. We will be removing France from park maps and all signage. We will offer no French souvenirs, trinkets or doo-dads. Wines and cheeses will be dumped into the Rhine River. In fact, nowhere in the park will the ‘F’ word be spoken. And all the F‘n Cast Members will be terminated."

The French Quarter of Canada will remain, however. "We cannot blame Canada for their past engagements with the ‘F’ country," continued Hutchinson, "The Quarter will now be known as the ‘Freedom Quarter‘, or ‘F/Q’ for short."

Several alternative European countries have been discussed as replacements: "We tossed around Great Britain, Italy, Germany and Greece," touted Ms. Hutchinson, "until we realized we already had those. We might as well go for Denmark, although there always seems to be something rotten there and we may not want that."

Destruction of the buildings has already begun. Cobblestone avenues have been torn up. Bisque dolls have been placed on the various coasters without safety restraints. Fine crystal ware has been smashed, melted down and made into tacky British ashtrays. "We now have the space for a truly good attraction and promise to have something thrown together by Memorial Day," continued Ms. Hutchinson. "After all, our ultimate goal is to make money...er...I mean, to have our guests leaving the park with the feeling they actually may want to return."

--RAS

Enthusiast Shocks Friends With Obscure Knowledge Unrelated to Coasters

Baltimore enthusiast Elroy Carr, 50, has been pleasantly shocking his friends recently with his surprising knowledge of events totally unrelated to roller coasters, sources tell ARN&R. Carr has, like most roller coaster aficionados, been infamous for boring family members and non-coaster-loving acquaintances with descriptions of favorite rides, parks, and ARN&R articles for a substantial percentage of the last few years. However, these friends of Carr's claim that the enthusiast has suddenly changed his tune this week.

"All Elroy ever talks about is how much Six Flags wipes his ass," said Leon Bartlett, 46. "But then, this week, it was like something came over him and made him a new man. He told some of us at lunch about how there was going to be a new moon throughout the Midwest on the last weekend in May, and then he went on to tell us interesting facts about obscure Indiana towns."

Bartlett added, "like, I never knew that the Indiana Baseball Hall of Fame was in Jasper, or that Tell City has fast food establishments of nearly every imaginable type, but for some reason doesn't have a Burger King. It was pretty weird that Elroy knew these bizarre facts, and I'm not sure where he'd heard all this stuff, but I'll take weird over Swiss coaster design firms any time."

"Usually, I can't get Elroy to tell me anything except about the coaster trips he takes all over with this pal of his," stated Linda Murai, 47. "But then, out of the blue yesterday, he explained Indiana time to me in intricate detail. I'd always wondered what was up with those people, but I could never figure it out. Elroy said that most of the state was on Eastern Time all year, but that they did not follow Daylight Savings Time, effectively making them seem like Central Time Zone for the summer. Exceptions are a few counties near Chicago and Evanston, which are on Central Time and also follow Daylight Savings, and a few very eastern counties that are on Eatern Standard, but do follow Daylight Savings."

Murai added that "Elroy has taken a load off my mind with this intriguing discussion about something not remotely affiliated with coasters."

Dean Fetter, 61, was particularly impressed with Carr's recent interest in nineteenth-century American literature. "Normally, Elroy seems to just read travel guides and coffee-table books with big color photos of roller coasters. But he's spent the last several days reading the works of Edgar Allen Poe and Washington Irving. He seemed particularly obsessed with the poem "The Raven" and a story called "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." He talked about those works for literally hours the other night. He also told me he'd been listening to lots of music, especially Symphonie Fantastique by Berlioz, Night on Bald Mountain by Mussorgsky, and the theme from Halloween. I'm very proud. If this is Elroy's Evil Clone, I don't want the Good Elroy back!"

However, there are those who speculate more sinister motives from Carr, ones unrelated to a seeming desire for the coaster fan to expand his horizons. Says Burl Weiss, 65, "I'm deeply suspicious of all this purported knowledge and brain activity. Sure, Elroy's taken an interest in Poe and Irving. But if he knows so much about American literature, why hadn't he even heard of The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, or Catcher in the Rye? As for the music, I know for a fact that all he ever listens to are "Love Rollercoaster" and "Down at Palisades Park," so this sudden intimate awareness of Berlioz is pretty creepy.

Weiss also went on to declare the following: "It's pretty odd that Elroy would know so much about these tiny Indiana towns, but not anywhere else. For instance, I can't figure out why he'd know or have any concern with a state baseball museum when he failed, upon direct questioning, to remember that the professional baseball team in his own town is named "The Orioles," or that Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Jackie Robinson were baseball players. He thought all three of those guys worked for Arrow! I don't know what's going on here, but I do know that I'm going to be watching my damn back around this freak from now on."

{Editor's Note: Due to space restrictions, ARN&R was unable to print an exquisite article about how excited enthusiasts are gearing up for their yearly pilgrimage to Holiday World's Stark Raven Mad event. We deeply regret this inconvenience.]

--JCK

Family Schedules First Enthusiast Intervention

Tommy Wadley, 33, recently walked into what he thought was a winter gathering of fellow "coaster buds" to find that his family had put together an intervention. Decked out in an Alpengeist t-shirt and Six Flags St. Louis biker shorts with the slogan "Have YOU done the Boss?" adorning his crotch Wadley thought he was in for an afternoon of the movie "Rollercoaster" followed by the entire "America's Greatest" video series. "For some reason my parents felt that I needed a lifestyle alteration, but how can I alter anything when coasters are my life?!" he said.

"We felt it was time for a change," said Tommy's father Chip. "Its okay to have a hobby, but this was ridiculous. He spends every weekend at a park, works at a video store and hasn't accomplished anything in life. Well, I guess if you consider riding Shivering Timbers 100 times in a day an accomplishment, then, yes, he has done something of note."

Gloria, Tommy's mother, agreed. "We just don't understand why he can't balance his coaster fun with a life. The problem right now is that he doesn't have a life to balance the hobby with."

Tommy was shocked that the family felt a need to hire counselor Tom Hutchison. "I think that my life is well-rounded now. I eat at McDonalds and Checkers, chat online with friends about the Cedar Point & Magic Mountain coaster war and pleasure myself to 'Amusement Today' when I get horny. I know a lot of people are jealous of my vagabond lifestyle, but I think of myself more as a Renaissance Man, uniting everyone. And I live in my parents' basement as a way to help them out!"

The counselor, Hutchison, who ordinarily works with multiple-year heroin addicts, was amazed that someone could get so wrapped up in a hobby. "I have seen lots of people that have some sort of dissociative disorder or regressive social skills, but this guy takes the cake. Usually some people take time out for kids, friends, baths, and the like, but this guy has a one-track mind. In my professional opinion it is kind of, well, pathetic."

Gloria and Chip were rather dismayed at the intervention's outcome. "We had hoped he might shift some of his priorities around, but he just seems more intent than ever to ride. We are going to make it a little harder for him by choosing to stop paying his grocery and AOL bills. I guess it is time for Tommy to grow up."

"I really don't think anything was accomplished," said Wadley. "I am still going to up the ole' coaster count and be the king of the annual ACE eating contest at Coaster Con. There's no slowing me down!"

Six Flags St. Louis Admits: Boss Causes Pain

Debate has raged at Six Flags St. Louis since the opening of The Boss, a CCI wood terrain coaster, several years ago. While the ride has its devoted fans, many others have expressed the opinion that it is astoundingly painful due to the Gerstlauer trains it uses. ARN&R has it on good authority that Gerstlauer trains are under consideration for being banned at the next Geneva Convention.

Six Flags St. Louis officially put to rest the argument over the punishment doled out by The Boss recently on its website. As readers can see, the coaster has a description and stat sheet on the site; at the bottom, Custom Coasters is listed as the "manufracture" of The Boss. ARN&R applauds SFSTL for its honesty, though we challenge the park to provide splints, casts, and titanium rods for damaged passengers of the ride in the future.

--JCK