Reindeer Attacks Reporter
On Christmas Eve, numerous news sources in the United States carried footage of a pissed-off reindeer assaulting a reporter who had apparently spooked the animal by making a sudden movement while doing on on-air segment for an Alaska television station. What was only just discovered was that the reporter also provoked the reindeer beforehand with inflammatory taunts.
"It was just a shameless attempt to encourage a Santa-beast to tackle and molest me on TV," a contrite Meghan Stapleton told ARN&R in a private interview today. "I just wanted some ratings. I mean, I have to work in Alaska, for crying out loud. I snapped. Sorry."
ARN&R then learned from Stapleton that her statements to "Blitzen" were indeed caustic and insulting, and certainly were largely responsible for the assault by cloven hoof. "I figured it would have to cut deep if I were to get the reindeer to make a spectacle for the cameras," said Stapleton with a shrug. "So I whispered that I knew he loved Vekoma Boomerangs and that Raging Wolf Bobs was his favorite wood coaster. Man, he went ape-s**t."
"I mean deer-s**t," Stapleton corrected, after a moment.
Stapleton's affiliate has not thus far announced any disciplinary measures for the reporter's baiting of an interviewee.
--JCK
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Santa: Rudy's Rapid Transit a "Pathetic Imitation of a Sleigh Ride With Me"
Earlier today, Santa Claus took time off from a busy schedule of toy-making and coal-firing to denounce Rudy's Rapid Transit, a family roller coaster at Santa's Village, a small park in New Hampshire.
"This ride is an utter mockery of my reputation and standing in the community," said the not-so-jolly elf. "This park presents Rudy's Rapid Transit as a themed coaster meant to simulate riding in Santa's sleigh, pulled by Rudolph and the other reindeer. Bah! It's an absolutely pathetic f***ing imitation of the thrilling ride one would actually experience, would one be so fortunate as to ride in the actual sleigh controlled by yours truly. My sleigh ride is faster, taller, more unpredictable, and has f***ing spectacular rooftop landings. This piece of s*** goes like 10 miles an hour in a little figure eight."
"We're more than a little embarrassed," stated Santa's Village manager Geoffrey Bernardo. "Santa just showed up here a few days ago, wanting to ride the coaster. Although we've been closed for the season for some time, and the entire state is freezing cold, we naturally warmed the 'Triple R' up for Santa so he could ride. I mean, it's Santa, for crying out loud."
Apparently, Santa experienced forty minutes of EST (Exclusive Sleigh Time) on the coaster before asking to be let off. "Santa stormed out the front gate without another word," said a frazzled Bernardo. "You'd think he could say 'thank you' at least. We only had myself and a couple security guards here at the time, and we still managed to get it up and running to full speed in bad weather conditions."
Said Santa, "this ride is an abomination. It gives people the impression that I'm some sort of p***y who can't get his reindeer up to a decent speed or engage them in thrilling airborne maneuvers. Let me tell you a**holes something...if that stupid park doesn't take my name off the gate and Rudolph's off that dumb coaster, I swear I'll go Silent Night, Deadly Night on their asses! Boo-ya!"
--JCK
Earlier today, Santa Claus took time off from a busy schedule of toy-making and coal-firing to denounce Rudy's Rapid Transit, a family roller coaster at Santa's Village, a small park in New Hampshire.
"This ride is an utter mockery of my reputation and standing in the community," said the not-so-jolly elf. "This park presents Rudy's Rapid Transit as a themed coaster meant to simulate riding in Santa's sleigh, pulled by Rudolph and the other reindeer. Bah! It's an absolutely pathetic f***ing imitation of the thrilling ride one would actually experience, would one be so fortunate as to ride in the actual sleigh controlled by yours truly. My sleigh ride is faster, taller, more unpredictable, and has f***ing spectacular rooftop landings. This piece of s*** goes like 10 miles an hour in a little figure eight."
"We're more than a little embarrassed," stated Santa's Village manager Geoffrey Bernardo. "Santa just showed up here a few days ago, wanting to ride the coaster. Although we've been closed for the season for some time, and the entire state is freezing cold, we naturally warmed the 'Triple R' up for Santa so he could ride. I mean, it's Santa, for crying out loud."
Apparently, Santa experienced forty minutes of EST (Exclusive Sleigh Time) on the coaster before asking to be let off. "Santa stormed out the front gate without another word," said a frazzled Bernardo. "You'd think he could say 'thank you' at least. We only had myself and a couple security guards here at the time, and we still managed to get it up and running to full speed in bad weather conditions."
Said Santa, "this ride is an abomination. It gives people the impression that I'm some sort of p***y who can't get his reindeer up to a decent speed or engage them in thrilling airborne maneuvers. Let me tell you a**holes something...if that stupid park doesn't take my name off the gate and Rudolph's off that dumb coaster, I swear I'll go Silent Night, Deadly Night on their asses! Boo-ya!"
--JCK
Monday, December 22, 2003
ACEr Forces Family to Drive Through Snowstorm to Stay in Sandusky Hotel
The weather was blizzard-like, with the road barely visible in front of the minivan, and yet ACEr Phil Kiddles insisted that he and his family keep driving until they reached the Hampton Inn in Milan, Ohio, just outside Cedar Point's home of Sandusky. "I just want to see the new Cedar Point brochure [in fact seven months old] and stay within a few miles of the park. Maybe we can see Top Thrill Dragster from the room, too!" exclaimed Kiddles to his exasperated wife and exhausted children.
The family, driving cross-country for the holidays, is used to Kiddles's obsessive behavior, having already endured a bizarre detour supposedly to visit a particularly good Cracker Barrel (in fact an excuse to drive by Kennywood) and his sudden need to urinate when they "happened" to be driving past Six Flags Worlds of Adventure.
Kiddles did not in fact see Cedar Point or any portion thereof while visiting. Only through physical restraint was Kiddles prevented from exiting at the Wisconsin Dells to search for any new coaster construction.
Now staying in Minnesota, sources indicate that Kiddles may "get lost" while driving from Minneapolis to St. Paul and "accidentally" end up driving past Valleyfair!, some twenty miles out of the way in Shakopee.
The weather was blizzard-like, with the road barely visible in front of the minivan, and yet ACEr Phil Kiddles insisted that he and his family keep driving until they reached the Hampton Inn in Milan, Ohio, just outside Cedar Point's home of Sandusky. "I just want to see the new Cedar Point brochure [in fact seven months old] and stay within a few miles of the park. Maybe we can see Top Thrill Dragster from the room, too!" exclaimed Kiddles to his exasperated wife and exhausted children.
The family, driving cross-country for the holidays, is used to Kiddles's obsessive behavior, having already endured a bizarre detour supposedly to visit a particularly good Cracker Barrel (in fact an excuse to drive by Kennywood) and his sudden need to urinate when they "happened" to be driving past Six Flags Worlds of Adventure.
Kiddles did not in fact see Cedar Point or any portion thereof while visiting. Only through physical restraint was Kiddles prevented from exiting at the Wisconsin Dells to search for any new coaster construction.
Now staying in Minnesota, sources indicate that Kiddles may "get lost" while driving from Minneapolis to St. Paul and "accidentally" end up driving past Valleyfair!, some twenty miles out of the way in Shakopee.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
ACE Poster Selling Like Crazy
Long renowned for its products, ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) has done it again with the Limited Edition ACE 25th Anniversary Poster. Currently only available to ACE members, and only by mail order, the poster has shocked industry analysts by selling several thousand copies to date.
"We figured a few people would buy it," said ACE Merchandise Director Lee Colletti. "After all, people who like roller coasters will buy almost anything about roller coasters, whether it's an ACE jacket, a badly-produced video with annoying hosts, Six Flags crap, or even, God help us all, a Beast thong from Absolutely Reliable's shop. But these numbers of poster purchasers are totally shocking." [Ed. Note: It's not too late for your Christmas shopping! Disgust your mother with a Beast thong! Just $9.99!]
"The chance to step back in time and relive some of the great moments in ACE's twenty-five year history was the key for me," said Al DePantzeu, 45. "I also thought it was time to add a new wall hanging amongst all the old Ratt and Bon Jovi posters I have in my bedroom at my dad's place."
"What ***hole wouldn't buy a one-of-a-kind poster picturing the very people who have made ACE the number one coaster club in the world?" posited Bea O'Problem, 20. "I'm eager to have a poster with loads of photographs of people richer than me who fly all over the world to Coaster Odysseys and such. Four hundred individual ACE members in full magnificent color! I'm crapping my pants just thinkin' about how cool this poster will be, dude!"
And new ACEr Craven Moorhead, 19, knows he has an item worthy of adding to his wall-mounted collection of sexy posters. "I didn't know how I'd top that poster of Jessica Alba from Honey or all those Pamela Anderson Lee pics, but this ACE one is so awesome, I'm sticking right next to my bed! All that hot footage of ACE presidents, committee members and club personalities is mind-boggling enough that I'm sure to have to whap my pud tonight! Twice!"
ACE is so pleased about the outstanding sales of the poster, it is plannning new items for next season. Says Colletti, "We don't know everything yet, but one item we're pleased to announce already is the ACE Executive Committee Swimsuit Calendar. We hope to have the 2005 model in right around IAAPA so we can show it off to all the important amusement industry folks. A certain member has already been showing off his red satin thong, nipple clips, and Zorro mask. We just know once we oil him up and get him to pose in a seductive manner in this outfit, we're going to sell trillions of those calendars!"
--JCK
Long renowned for its products, ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) has done it again with the Limited Edition ACE 25th Anniversary Poster. Currently only available to ACE members, and only by mail order, the poster has shocked industry analysts by selling several thousand copies to date.
"We figured a few people would buy it," said ACE Merchandise Director Lee Colletti. "After all, people who like roller coasters will buy almost anything about roller coasters, whether it's an ACE jacket, a badly-produced video with annoying hosts, Six Flags crap, or even, God help us all, a Beast thong from Absolutely Reliable's shop. But these numbers of poster purchasers are totally shocking." [Ed. Note: It's not too late for your Christmas shopping! Disgust your mother with a Beast thong! Just $9.99!]
"The chance to step back in time and relive some of the great moments in ACE's twenty-five year history was the key for me," said Al DePantzeu, 45. "I also thought it was time to add a new wall hanging amongst all the old Ratt and Bon Jovi posters I have in my bedroom at my dad's place."
"What ***hole wouldn't buy a one-of-a-kind poster picturing the very people who have made ACE the number one coaster club in the world?" posited Bea O'Problem, 20. "I'm eager to have a poster with loads of photographs of people richer than me who fly all over the world to Coaster Odysseys and such. Four hundred individual ACE members in full magnificent color! I'm crapping my pants just thinkin' about how cool this poster will be, dude!"
And new ACEr Craven Moorhead, 19, knows he has an item worthy of adding to his wall-mounted collection of sexy posters. "I didn't know how I'd top that poster of Jessica Alba from Honey or all those Pamela Anderson Lee pics, but this ACE one is so awesome, I'm sticking right next to my bed! All that hot footage of ACE presidents, committee members and club personalities is mind-boggling enough that I'm sure to have to whap my pud tonight! Twice!"
ACE is so pleased about the outstanding sales of the poster, it is plannning new items for next season. Says Colletti, "We don't know everything yet, but one item we're pleased to announce already is the ACE Executive Committee Swimsuit Calendar. We hope to have the 2005 model in right around IAAPA so we can show it off to all the important amusement industry folks. A certain member has already been showing off his red satin thong, nipple clips, and Zorro mask. We just know once we oil him up and get him to pose in a seductive manner in this outfit, we're going to sell trillions of those calendars!"
--JCK
Thursday, December 18, 2003
InfoGrames to Release New RCT2 Expansion Pack for 2004
Normally saved for events like E3, InfoGrames announced via their official Roller Coaster Tycoon website that their latest expansion pack to the popular game would be released in February 2004.
"Roller Coaster Tycoon: First Date" is an interactive experience that combines the excitement of playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 with learning how to foster a healthy, or really any, relationship. Instead of keeping patrons of a theme park happy by adding restrooms, hiring janitors, and designing top-notch thrill rides, players will have to impress just one member of the opposite sex (or, if set in the options screen, the same sex) on a 'theme park date.' The simulated social experience grants points based on outfits chosen from an interactive clothes matrix, hygiene, date locations, and topics of conversation.
Players choose from a variety of people to date, which is how game difficulty is determined, from Prostitute (the easiest level) to Playmate (the most difficult level.) Throughout the game, players can read on screen the dates thoughts such as "This person will never please me" and "What a cheapskate."
Early word from RCT enthusiasts has been overwhelmingly negative. "I was just finally putting the finishing touches on my dueling racing two-track wooden and inverted coaster, and now I have to learn about things like 'courtesy' and 'speaking about anything besides coasters'?!" exclaimed Bob Jeffress, a Cleveland-area enthusiast fond of using air quotes. "And I never paid attention during the 'human relations' part of health class, so I won't have any idea what to do if the girl actually likes me. I'll never finish this scenario now!"
The expansion pack will hit store shelves on the first Tuesday in February, which will hopefully give lovers of Roller Coaster Tycoon some practice with social interaction before Valentine’s Day.
--MMS
Normally saved for events like E3, InfoGrames announced via their official Roller Coaster Tycoon website that their latest expansion pack to the popular game would be released in February 2004.
"Roller Coaster Tycoon: First Date" is an interactive experience that combines the excitement of playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 with learning how to foster a healthy, or really any, relationship. Instead of keeping patrons of a theme park happy by adding restrooms, hiring janitors, and designing top-notch thrill rides, players will have to impress just one member of the opposite sex (or, if set in the options screen, the same sex) on a 'theme park date.' The simulated social experience grants points based on outfits chosen from an interactive clothes matrix, hygiene, date locations, and topics of conversation.
Players choose from a variety of people to date, which is how game difficulty is determined, from Prostitute (the easiest level) to Playmate (the most difficult level.) Throughout the game, players can read on screen the dates thoughts such as "This person will never please me" and "What a cheapskate."
Early word from RCT enthusiasts has been overwhelmingly negative. "I was just finally putting the finishing touches on my dueling racing two-track wooden and inverted coaster, and now I have to learn about things like 'courtesy' and 'speaking about anything besides coasters'?!" exclaimed Bob Jeffress, a Cleveland-area enthusiast fond of using air quotes. "And I never paid attention during the 'human relations' part of health class, so I won't have any idea what to do if the girl actually likes me. I'll never finish this scenario now!"
The expansion pack will hit store shelves on the first Tuesday in February, which will hopefully give lovers of Roller Coaster Tycoon some practice with social interaction before Valentine’s Day.
--MMS
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Disney Adds Barf Bags to Small World
Following the news this week that Disney would be installing barf bags on its Mission: Space attraction at EPCOT, industry experts wondered if the trend would continue. It took only a matter of hours before Disney indeed added another ride to its collection of attractions outfitted with Technicolor Yawn Containment Systems. The second ride prepped in this manner is Small World, at the Magic Kingdom.
"Although not all Small World riders have gotten so violently ill that they were forced to waste their groceries in projectile fashion, it does happen more than hourly," said a Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity. "In fact, it may surprise people to learn that Small World causes more retching and vomiting than any other ride in any of our Florida parks. Of course, Mission: Space causes physical discomfort and explosive hurling because of its intense G forces, while Small World probably makes guests throw up due to its cloying nature and endless repetition of that hideous banshee-like song."
Cast Members will be trained this week in use of the Technicolor Yawn Containment System, which consists of a high tech "bag" with a "lining" that guests made ill by the saccharine horrors of Small World can "fill" with "gallons of puke" to ease the clean-up after they exit the ride.
--JCK
Following the news this week that Disney would be installing barf bags on its Mission: Space attraction at EPCOT, industry experts wondered if the trend would continue. It took only a matter of hours before Disney indeed added another ride to its collection of attractions outfitted with Technicolor Yawn Containment Systems. The second ride prepped in this manner is Small World, at the Magic Kingdom.
"Although not all Small World riders have gotten so violently ill that they were forced to waste their groceries in projectile fashion, it does happen more than hourly," said a Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity. "In fact, it may surprise people to learn that Small World causes more retching and vomiting than any other ride in any of our Florida parks. Of course, Mission: Space causes physical discomfort and explosive hurling because of its intense G forces, while Small World probably makes guests throw up due to its cloying nature and endless repetition of that hideous banshee-like song."
Cast Members will be trained this week in use of the Technicolor Yawn Containment System, which consists of a high tech "bag" with a "lining" that guests made ill by the saccharine horrors of Small World can "fill" with "gallons of puke" to ease the clean-up after they exit the ride.
--JCK
New Pittsburgh Park to Offer Free Puppies, Liquor, Lodging
The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee.
In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations.
"We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us."
The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation.
The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee.
In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations.
"We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us."
The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Enthusiast chooses Worlds Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration over Gas, Electric
Martin Saugenesel of Duluth, Minnesota is the latest victim in a supraliminal advertising campaign for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, available through an online Christmas Decorations store. Sauganesel, who prides himself on both his coaster enthusiasm and his love of collecting ‘coaster-related Christmas ornaments,’ found the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration after a Google search on ‘roller coaster Christmas’ and was hooked immediately.
“The web page spoke to me – after only a couple of paragraphs, I knew that the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration could help me to spread the joy of Christmas, and roller coasters, to the world!” Martin also wouldn’t let the steep price of $100 deter him from purchasing the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, and skipped paying his utility bills in order to purchase the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. “The love I feel for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration will keep me warm this December,” said the overly optimistic Sauganesel as he contemplated a full-color printout of the World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration.
This is not the first coaster-related ornament to touch the life of this man, a devout member of his local Lutheran church, as well as ACE, Coasterbuzz, and Duluth Organization for Rollercoaster Knowledge, a club he founded with his best friend, Rudy. “I went to my local Hallmark Gold Crown store to purchase the Polar Coaster ornament – I was really lucky, I got to buy the display because there were none in stock. However, the Hallmark store employees did not give the Polar Coaster the respect it deserves – not like the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration website.”
Martin Saugenesel is waiting, in darkness and cold, for his World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration to arrive. “I don’t need heat or electricity – the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is going warm my heart and light my path to the true meaning of Christmas!”
--MMS
[Ed. Note: The World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is also this week's lucky winner of the Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration!]
Martin Saugenesel of Duluth, Minnesota is the latest victim in a supraliminal advertising campaign for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, available through an online Christmas Decorations store. Sauganesel, who prides himself on both his coaster enthusiasm and his love of collecting ‘coaster-related Christmas ornaments,’ found the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration after a Google search on ‘roller coaster Christmas’ and was hooked immediately.
“The web page spoke to me – after only a couple of paragraphs, I knew that the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration could help me to spread the joy of Christmas, and roller coasters, to the world!” Martin also wouldn’t let the steep price of $100 deter him from purchasing the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, and skipped paying his utility bills in order to purchase the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. “The love I feel for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration will keep me warm this December,” said the overly optimistic Sauganesel as he contemplated a full-color printout of the World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration.
This is not the first coaster-related ornament to touch the life of this man, a devout member of his local Lutheran church, as well as ACE, Coasterbuzz, and Duluth Organization for Rollercoaster Knowledge, a club he founded with his best friend, Rudy. “I went to my local Hallmark Gold Crown store to purchase the Polar Coaster ornament – I was really lucky, I got to buy the display because there were none in stock. However, the Hallmark store employees did not give the Polar Coaster the respect it deserves – not like the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration website.”
Martin Saugenesel is waiting, in darkness and cold, for his World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration to arrive. “I don’t need heat or electricity – the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is going warm my heart and light my path to the true meaning of Christmas!”
--MMS
[Ed. Note: The World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is also this week's lucky winner of the Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration!]
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