New Photo Controversy Surrounds Alveys
Robb Alvey, whose photographic exploits have garnered much debate and furor on both coaster forums and newsgroups in the past year, has once again found trouble with the publishing of new photos which document the first night of his honeymoon.
The controversial photos, published last night at themeparkreview.com, provide all viewers with extensive documentation of his own personal "exclusive ERT" with his new wife Elissa the night of his wedding at Walt Disney World.
The exclusive ride time, which, based on the camera's timestamp, appears to have lasted over an hour, drew many criticisms in reference to actions performed in the photographs. Among the complaints so far posted have been "use of a camera during the ERT without permission," "Elissa, at one point, totally standing up," and perhaps the most common complaint: "Robb and Elissa's improper use of restraints."
Alvey, reached just before press time, claims he had the full permission of the Orlando hotel in question for all actions performed in the photographs.
--MOS
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Monday, February 16, 2004
Corrections
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors made on this website. If you feel we have posted something that is incorrect, and sincerely believe we care about your feelings, please feel free to send us an email.
-A recent headline accused ACE Secretary Jeff Seifert of riding an adorable, precious little tricycle. This was partially incorrect; sources tell us this was technically a Big Wheel he was riding. We regret the error.
-We recently claimed in an article that a new Sea World Texas ride called the Shamu Express was not a roller coaster, but was actually a conveyance specifically designed just to cart ACE members around the park. This was a typo.
-Last week, an ARN&R article referred to Clementon Lake Park as "nimrods" for removing Jack Rabbit, one of the world's oldest wood coasters. The actual phrase that should have been used was "dimwitted buffoons." We apologize for this error.
-Within the past few days, an ARN&R staff member claimed in an article that he was "really looking forward to the upcoming season at Quassy Amusement Park." This, of course, is completely untrue. Under the assumption that this staff member is either a compulsive liar or bats**t crazy, he was been temporarily suspended and placed under observation. We apologize for the inconvenience.
--JCK
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors made on this website. If you feel we have posted something that is incorrect, and sincerely believe we care about your feelings, please feel free to send us an email.
-A recent headline accused ACE Secretary Jeff Seifert of riding an adorable, precious little tricycle. This was partially incorrect; sources tell us this was technically a Big Wheel he was riding. We regret the error.
-We recently claimed in an article that a new Sea World Texas ride called the Shamu Express was not a roller coaster, but was actually a conveyance specifically designed just to cart ACE members around the park. This was a typo.
-Last week, an ARN&R article referred to Clementon Lake Park as "nimrods" for removing Jack Rabbit, one of the world's oldest wood coasters. The actual phrase that should have been used was "dimwitted buffoons." We apologize for this error.
-Within the past few days, an ARN&R staff member claimed in an article that he was "really looking forward to the upcoming season at Quassy Amusement Park." This, of course, is completely untrue. Under the assumption that this staff member is either a compulsive liar or bats**t crazy, he was been temporarily suspended and placed under observation. We apologize for the inconvenience.
--JCK
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Nine Billion Wild Adventures Signs All Fail to Mention Park's Coasters Shut Down During Slightest Drizzle
Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, was "unbelievably pissed" and "full of boiling hatred for" Wild Adventures Theme Park this weekend.
"I can't believe this f**king place," snarled James, spittle flying out of his mouth. "I drove hours out of my way to go to this stupid park, since they added about four coasters since my last visit, and subjected myself to the univiting landscape of Southern Georgia and Northern Florida, not to mention at least eight gatrillion insipid South-of-the-Border-like billboard ads for the park. And then I pull up to the gates, and what do I see? Not coasters running, I'll tell you that much!"
James noted that, while the park advertises itself as an amazing thrill park, they shut down every single coaster in the park due to weather conditions, which consisted of a terrifying light sprinkle and a horrifying cool breeze.
James went on: "None of the fifty trillion stupid Wild Adventures billboards mentioned that the park would close down at the slightest hint of a relative humidity over 20%. And their imbecilic radio station also failed to mention that they're big, fat p**sies who are terrified of a light mist. Don't they know it's safe to run coasters in a slight drizzle? They were running all the stupid flat rides, which, for some reason, must be safe. Of course, they sure didn't mind charging full parking and admission so dumbass people could go inside and sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch whatever idiotic shows are indoors."
James further noted that "also, the woman at Guest Services I politely called from the parking lot to see if any coasters might actually run under any circumstance that day was a rude bitch. I certainly did not pay for parking or admission, and instead drove the f**k home. Hope they don't expect to see my ass at their dumb park again."
James concluded by stating a moderately strong desire for Wild Adventures to "cram Cheetah up its ass." Officials for the amusement park, located outside of gorgeous, scenic, cultural, and not-at-all-filled-with-Deliverance-extras Valdosta, Georgia, refused to comment.
--JCK
Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, was "unbelievably pissed" and "full of boiling hatred for" Wild Adventures Theme Park this weekend.
"I can't believe this f**king place," snarled James, spittle flying out of his mouth. "I drove hours out of my way to go to this stupid park, since they added about four coasters since my last visit, and subjected myself to the univiting landscape of Southern Georgia and Northern Florida, not to mention at least eight gatrillion insipid South-of-the-Border-like billboard ads for the park. And then I pull up to the gates, and what do I see? Not coasters running, I'll tell you that much!"
James noted that, while the park advertises itself as an amazing thrill park, they shut down every single coaster in the park due to weather conditions, which consisted of a terrifying light sprinkle and a horrifying cool breeze.
James went on: "None of the fifty trillion stupid Wild Adventures billboards mentioned that the park would close down at the slightest hint of a relative humidity over 20%. And their imbecilic radio station also failed to mention that they're big, fat p**sies who are terrified of a light mist. Don't they know it's safe to run coasters in a slight drizzle? They were running all the stupid flat rides, which, for some reason, must be safe. Of course, they sure didn't mind charging full parking and admission so dumbass people could go inside and sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch whatever idiotic shows are indoors."
James further noted that "also, the woman at Guest Services I politely called from the parking lot to see if any coasters might actually run under any circumstance that day was a rude bitch. I certainly did not pay for parking or admission, and instead drove the f**k home. Hope they don't expect to see my ass at their dumb park again."
James concluded by stating a moderately strong desire for Wild Adventures to "cram Cheetah up its ass." Officials for the amusement park, located outside of gorgeous, scenic, cultural, and not-at-all-filled-with-Deliverance-extras Valdosta, Georgia, refused to comment.
--JCK
Friday, February 13, 2004
Design Poorly Like a Hurricane
If you're designing a professional website for an amusement attraction of some sort, it really helps to do two things: 1) Present important information such as operating hours and prices in concise language in an easily-accessible location of the site and 2) Make the website easy to load and navigate. If your information can be readily gleaned by people who aren't full of rage over the fact that your site took two hours to load and then failed to provide them with useful facts, they might actually come and give you money. Maybe lots of it.
The website for the Hurricane roller coaster in Dania Beach, Florida, offers an interesting contrast in its effectiveness at tackling both of these points. As far as presenting important information, we're all set. Visitors can locate prices, special deals, and operating hours right there on the front page. Now, as for the "easy to load and navigate" part...uh......
Can we suggest that amusement parks stop hiring web designers who like to put every single trick on the front page, making it all sparkly and bright and wacky at the expense of legibility and functionality? Why does the front page of this website need all those pictures, animated files, rotating letters, and even a random sound clip? It's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
All the excess party tricks and trinkets on this website make it our Site O' the Weak, but since one can actually find useful information amongst all this mess (unlike, say, that atrocious Six Flags website), it's only going to end up having the dubious honor for a few days.
--JCK
If you're designing a professional website for an amusement attraction of some sort, it really helps to do two things: 1) Present important information such as operating hours and prices in concise language in an easily-accessible location of the site and 2) Make the website easy to load and navigate. If your information can be readily gleaned by people who aren't full of rage over the fact that your site took two hours to load and then failed to provide them with useful facts, they might actually come and give you money. Maybe lots of it.
The website for the Hurricane roller coaster in Dania Beach, Florida, offers an interesting contrast in its effectiveness at tackling both of these points. As far as presenting important information, we're all set. Visitors can locate prices, special deals, and operating hours right there on the front page. Now, as for the "easy to load and navigate" part...uh......
Can we suggest that amusement parks stop hiring web designers who like to put every single trick on the front page, making it all sparkly and bright and wacky at the expense of legibility and functionality? Why does the front page of this website need all those pictures, animated files, rotating letters, and even a random sound clip? It's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
All the excess party tricks and trinkets on this website make it our Site O' the Weak, but since one can actually find useful information amongst all this mess (unlike, say, that atrocious Six Flags website), it's only going to end up having the dubious honor for a few days.
--JCK
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Comcast Makes Unsolicited Bid for NASA, Kazakhstan
Declaring that this would be the week that an incompetent cable company with a strong hatred for its customers would make an effort to greatly expand the scope of its business drastically outside its all-too-limited capabilities, Comcast Cable today announced that it would make unsolicited bids to purchase NASA and the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan. The announcement came on the heels of Comcast's $66 billion offer for Disney.
"We've been not satisfying our customers in the relatively straightforward business of connecting televisions to wires for years now, and we've decided it's time to not satisfy customers in other business areas where we have absolutely no relevant experience!" declared Brian L. Roberts, Comcast's CEO. "If you think you've been insulted and ignored by Comcast's customer service representatives, wait until we get that same can't-do attitude instilled in Disneyland employees! I look forward to a day where not only will Mickey Mouse refuse to pose for a picture with your kids, but will send you bills for the picture for months afterwards. Mickey might take a leak on your pants-leg, too."
On today's bids for NASA and Kazakhstan, Roberts was similarly enthusiastic. "All NASA really needs is to learn from the efficiency of our cable installers. If we just told Congress that we would launch a mission to Mars sometime between 10 a.m. on January 1, 2009, and 3:00 p.m. on December 31, 2056, I'd say the pressure would be off and the funding would keep on coming!"
"And what can I say about Kazakhstan? Actually, you know, I can't say anything about Kazakhstan. We just had some more money and thought it'd be fun to own a country. I don't even know where it is."
Sources indicate that Comcast may also seek to purchase the University of Texas and most of the national park system.
Declaring that this would be the week that an incompetent cable company with a strong hatred for its customers would make an effort to greatly expand the scope of its business drastically outside its all-too-limited capabilities, Comcast Cable today announced that it would make unsolicited bids to purchase NASA and the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan. The announcement came on the heels of Comcast's $66 billion offer for Disney.
"We've been not satisfying our customers in the relatively straightforward business of connecting televisions to wires for years now, and we've decided it's time to not satisfy customers in other business areas where we have absolutely no relevant experience!" declared Brian L. Roberts, Comcast's CEO. "If you think you've been insulted and ignored by Comcast's customer service representatives, wait until we get that same can't-do attitude instilled in Disneyland employees! I look forward to a day where not only will Mickey Mouse refuse to pose for a picture with your kids, but will send you bills for the picture for months afterwards. Mickey might take a leak on your pants-leg, too."
On today's bids for NASA and Kazakhstan, Roberts was similarly enthusiastic. "All NASA really needs is to learn from the efficiency of our cable installers. If we just told Congress that we would launch a mission to Mars sometime between 10 a.m. on January 1, 2009, and 3:00 p.m. on December 31, 2056, I'd say the pressure would be off and the funding would keep on coming!"
"And what can I say about Kazakhstan? Actually, you know, I can't say anything about Kazakhstan. We just had some more money and thought it'd be fun to own a country. I don't even know where it is."
Sources indicate that Comcast may also seek to purchase the University of Texas and most of the national park system.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Hello to That Guy Who Recognized Our Shirt
A special hello goes out today to that guy at Islands of Adventure who noticed one of our writers wearing an ARN&R t-shirt and said "Love the shirt!" as the two passed at Hulk Monday afternoon. The writer was unfortunately so dumbfounded by the fact that someone recognized what the heck the shirt meant that he failed to engage the guy in an enthusiastic chat about why on earth he had bothered to read our website. Instead, he mumbled out something like, and we quote, "Huh? Really?" This unwittingly thwarted the chance for the writer to be offered praise for articles, or perhaps slugged in the gut, if it turned out he had dissed a favorite park or the guy who passed by near Hulk. Sorry.
Anyway, Guy Near Hulk, we appreciate your kind words. Although we are amused by the enthusiastic and incomprehensible hate mail we receive, we also are quite fond of people knowing and enjoying our product. And don't forget, you too can have one of those lovely and seductive t-shirts at our online store!
--JCK
A special hello goes out today to that guy at Islands of Adventure who noticed one of our writers wearing an ARN&R t-shirt and said "Love the shirt!" as the two passed at Hulk Monday afternoon. The writer was unfortunately so dumbfounded by the fact that someone recognized what the heck the shirt meant that he failed to engage the guy in an enthusiastic chat about why on earth he had bothered to read our website. Instead, he mumbled out something like, and we quote, "Huh? Really?" This unwittingly thwarted the chance for the writer to be offered praise for articles, or perhaps slugged in the gut, if it turned out he had dissed a favorite park or the guy who passed by near Hulk. Sorry.
Anyway, Guy Near Hulk, we appreciate your kind words. Although we are amused by the enthusiastic and incomprehensible hate mail we receive, we also are quite fond of people knowing and enjoying our product. And don't forget, you too can have one of those lovely and seductive t-shirts at our online store!
--JCK
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Enthusiast Reads Book
In an event that experts call unprecedented, coaster enthusiast Jon Danky read a book earlier this month. Moreover, the book's title contained neither "thrill" nor "coaster" nor "ride" nor "amusement."
The shocking event occurred when Danky found himself bored on a Thursday afternoon after checking CoasterBuzz, Thrillride, Thrillnetwork, Westcoaster, Rec.Roller-Coaster, Screamscape, and Ultimate Rollercoaster four times each consecutively for updates. Finding none, his eyes wandered his room and settled on something he hadn't thought of in over a month -- a book, The Price of Loyalty, written by Ron Suskind based on extensive interviews with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. The book, a gift from Danky's aunt and uncle, provides O'Neill's recollections of his time in the Bush White House.
Danky, having exhausted his amusement park-related options, read the book over the next three days. "It was okay, I guess," said Danky. "But it's no The Haunted Park (RollerCoaster Tycoon, No. 5)," he added, referring to the fifth in a lenghty series of novelizations based on the popular RollerCoaster Tycoon videogame. "Jake, Carlos, and Hanna -- now those are some great characters, and the way they hung out in the haunted amusement park was so exciting."
In an event that experts call unprecedented, coaster enthusiast Jon Danky read a book earlier this month. Moreover, the book's title contained neither "thrill" nor "coaster" nor "ride" nor "amusement."
The shocking event occurred when Danky found himself bored on a Thursday afternoon after checking CoasterBuzz, Thrillride, Thrillnetwork, Westcoaster, Rec.Roller-Coaster, Screamscape, and Ultimate Rollercoaster four times each consecutively for updates. Finding none, his eyes wandered his room and settled on something he hadn't thought of in over a month -- a book, The Price of Loyalty, written by Ron Suskind based on extensive interviews with former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. The book, a gift from Danky's aunt and uncle, provides O'Neill's recollections of his time in the Bush White House.
Danky, having exhausted his amusement park-related options, read the book over the next three days. "It was okay, I guess," said Danky. "But it's no The Haunted Park (RollerCoaster Tycoon, No. 5)," he added, referring to the fifth in a lenghty series of novelizations based on the popular RollerCoaster Tycoon videogame. "Jake, Carlos, and Hanna -- now those are some great characters, and the way they hung out in the haunted amusement park was so exciting."
Sunday, February 08, 2004
HersheyPark to Offer Head Injuries, Lobotomies as Part of Storm Runner Theme
HersheyPark announced yesterday that in addition to the extensive Wild West theming that has pervaded its promotion of the new Intamin rocket coaster "Storm Runner," it's going to do all it can to help its guests get into the spirit of the ride.
Along with props and theme-appropriate music throughout the area surrounding Storm Runner, park officials plan to provide serious head injuries and/or partial lobotomies so that patrons will be able to fully appreciate the wacky stylings of "that Western dude with the huge moustache," as the character is thus far known. "We may also forcibly place chaw in the mouths of our guests and urge them to drink a lot of Lone Star, but we're still working on the legalities of that."
ACErs getting a tour of the construction site were among the first to undergo the head injury/lobotomy features. Among the relatively few members who showed any change in behavior, the effort was considered a success. "Hee haw, that was a rollickin' good time, pardner!" exclaimed James Kierkly, a formerly suave and sophisticated resident of Connecticut. "It was better 'n' a barn full of fresh-cut hay. Or somethin' like that -- I'm not up on the Wild West metaphors."
HersheyPark is presently hiring both former bouncers and neurosurgeons to provide the head injuries and lobotomies. A decision about which approach will be used is expected before the start of the season.
HersheyPark announced yesterday that in addition to the extensive Wild West theming that has pervaded its promotion of the new Intamin rocket coaster "Storm Runner," it's going to do all it can to help its guests get into the spirit of the ride.
Along with props and theme-appropriate music throughout the area surrounding Storm Runner, park officials plan to provide serious head injuries and/or partial lobotomies so that patrons will be able to fully appreciate the wacky stylings of "that Western dude with the huge moustache," as the character is thus far known. "We may also forcibly place chaw in the mouths of our guests and urge them to drink a lot of Lone Star, but we're still working on the legalities of that."
ACErs getting a tour of the construction site were among the first to undergo the head injury/lobotomy features. Among the relatively few members who showed any change in behavior, the effort was considered a success. "Hee haw, that was a rollickin' good time, pardner!" exclaimed James Kierkly, a formerly suave and sophisticated resident of Connecticut. "It was better 'n' a barn full of fresh-cut hay. Or somethin' like that -- I'm not up on the Wild West metaphors."
HersheyPark is presently hiring both former bouncers and neurosurgeons to provide the head injuries and lobotomies. A decision about which approach will be used is expected before the start of the season.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Dean Promises Billions in Aid for Little A-Merrick-A
Former Vermont governor Howard Dean today visited the closed-for-the-season Little A-Merrick-A amusement park outside Madison, Wisconsin, promising billions of dollars of federal aid for the park if he is elected.
"This fine park is employing upwards of eight or nine people at a time, and it's got this wonderful...uh, what the hell is that thing?" inquired Dean, pointing at a structure surrounding the park. After leaning over to listen to an aide's whispers, Dean continued, "A wonderful monorail, providing clean and efficient transportation from here at the park...back around to the place you got on. Huh. Anyway, the park's made vague noises about installing a bigger coaster, and that's enough for me to promise $2 billion in federal aid."
"Look, vote for me. I need to win Wisconsin."
Dean is reportedly planning on promising national guard troop assistance to control the punks at Big Chief Karts and Coasters who keep ramming into other patrons' cars, and to make a vacation at Tommy Bartlett's Water Show mandatory for all U.S. citizens. He is also considering proposing tactical nuclear strikes on Six Flags Great America to increase Wisconsin tourist dollars.
Former Vermont governor Howard Dean today visited the closed-for-the-season Little A-Merrick-A amusement park outside Madison, Wisconsin, promising billions of dollars of federal aid for the park if he is elected.
"This fine park is employing upwards of eight or nine people at a time, and it's got this wonderful...uh, what the hell is that thing?" inquired Dean, pointing at a structure surrounding the park. After leaning over to listen to an aide's whispers, Dean continued, "A wonderful monorail, providing clean and efficient transportation from here at the park...back around to the place you got on. Huh. Anyway, the park's made vague noises about installing a bigger coaster, and that's enough for me to promise $2 billion in federal aid."
"Look, vote for me. I need to win Wisconsin."
Dean is reportedly planning on promising national guard troop assistance to control the punks at Big Chief Karts and Coasters who keep ramming into other patrons' cars, and to make a vacation at Tommy Bartlett's Water Show mandatory for all U.S. citizens. He is also considering proposing tactical nuclear strikes on Six Flags Great America to increase Wisconsin tourist dollars.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
BORG Attraction to be Highly Interactive
According to Ty Granoroli, director of the forthcoming BORG Invasion 4D attraction set to open in Las Vegas, hints that visitors will receive an unprecedented level of interactive involvement.
In an interview with startrek.com, Granoroli states that "[g]uests will literally experience what it's like to be assimilated by the Borg, the most menacing enemies in the Star Trek Universe."
"We had no idea the ride would be quite this immersive," stated enthusiast Jen Giskahn, 29. "We figured there would be a film and some actors and neat effects, but this is well beyond that. Since 'literal' means 'within the strict meaning of' and 'to be interpreted verbatim,' this must mean that we will actually be assimilated by BORG!
"I can't wait to have parts of my body literally ripped off so that I can literally have metal replace them. And I eagerly anticipate literally being probed in all sorts of uncomfortable bodily openings, and literally having large portions of my brain scooped out without anesthesia so computer processors can be literally rammed in there in place. And, of course, it will be fun to literally be made a part of a hive mind, where I will have no choice but to literally destroy entire civilizations and literally incorporate other sentient beings into the collective!"
She concluded by noting, "the only bad thing is that we will only be able to experience this attraction once, because we will be literally be turned into evil cyborgs and all. But I'm sure that one ride will literally blow me apart!"
--JCK
According to Ty Granoroli, director of the forthcoming BORG Invasion 4D attraction set to open in Las Vegas, hints that visitors will receive an unprecedented level of interactive involvement.
In an interview with startrek.com, Granoroli states that "[g]uests will literally experience what it's like to be assimilated by the Borg, the most menacing enemies in the Star Trek Universe."
"We had no idea the ride would be quite this immersive," stated enthusiast Jen Giskahn, 29. "We figured there would be a film and some actors and neat effects, but this is well beyond that. Since 'literal' means 'within the strict meaning of' and 'to be interpreted verbatim,' this must mean that we will actually be assimilated by BORG!
"I can't wait to have parts of my body literally ripped off so that I can literally have metal replace them. And I eagerly anticipate literally being probed in all sorts of uncomfortable bodily openings, and literally having large portions of my brain scooped out without anesthesia so computer processors can be literally rammed in there in place. And, of course, it will be fun to literally be made a part of a hive mind, where I will have no choice but to literally destroy entire civilizations and literally incorporate other sentient beings into the collective!"
She concluded by noting, "the only bad thing is that we will only be able to experience this attraction once, because we will be literally be turned into evil cyborgs and all. But I'm sure that one ride will literally blow me apart!"
--JCK
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