Enthusiast Harasses Tourist Bureau
With the news of the demise of the popular “flyers” ride at Paramount’s King’s Island, reaction ranging from outrage, to tears, to bed wetting permeated the enthusiast community. Many coaster enthusiasts were moved to pick their large rear ends off the couch to call the park and beg and plead for the flyers to stay for that outside chance that their parents might drive them across 5 states to the park to ride an attraction that is available at many local parks. While most of these calls were met with stiff resistance (and gut-busting laughter) one enthusiast managed to draw the ire of an entire country.
Ken Myers has been banned from traveling to the country of Australia after incessantly calling the “King Island” tourism department, located in Tasmania, Australia. According to reports from the beleaguered tourism officials, Myers’ original call was very confusing to the clerk who had the misfortune of answering the phone.
After informing Mr. Myers that she had no idea what “flyers” were, and that this was the King Island tourism center, Linda Biron tried to deal with the situation amicably.
“Mr. Myers became enraged, screaming about BRD, or ERP, something like that. Maybe it was ERT. He kept saying he deserved extra time to ‘ride the flyers’ because of his impressive ‘track record’. I told him my boyfriend also has an impressive ‘track record’ to try and get this creep off my phone and this seemed to calm him down. But he seemed to take an odd interest in my boyfriend when I said that, and asked just how long his ‘track record’ was. At that point, I hung up on him and reported the incident to my manager.”
The King Island tourism center received no less than eight calls from Mr. Myers. According to reports, Mr. Myers became more and more belligerent with every call, threatening boycotts, vandalism and even “nasty messages on Coasterbuzz, whatever the hell that means” according to another clerk, Mr. Ted Gorfy. After the eighth call, the issue was brought up to Australian Police, as this was an international call. Mr. Myers was warned to stop calling under penalty of International Law, to never visit the country of Australia, and to possibly “get a life.”
Mr. Myers was unavailable for comment, but his mother had this to say: “All I have to say is he better get off that damnable internet and work some more hours at the convenience store to help pay this phone bill! Between the eating and now this, his father and I are about ready to kick him out of the house. It has been 32 years you know. On second thought, maybe just the eating is enough …”
--BS
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
First U.S. Installation of Screaming Squirrel Announced
An innovative S&S/Arrow family coaster will make its U. S. amusement park debut in Spring, 2005. The Screaming Squirrel, a production-model wild mouse-style ride where cars actually dive completely upside down, has previously only existed at the S&S facility in Logan, Utah, but that will change with the opening of a new installation of the compact ride at New Jersey's Bowcraft Amusement Park. Although Bowcraft is already home to a small Dragon model of junior coaster, the park has high hopes that being home to the unusual new Squirrel coaster will both bring the coveted coaster enthusiast demographic, as well as even more local guests, to its gates.
Although the Screaming Squirrel is available from S&S as a standard model, Bowcraft has decided to make its version stand out from potential copycats with extensive theming. According to park sources, park guests will approach the ride through a pine forest loaded with 6000 live and ominously chattering squirrels, which may or not pelt people on the head with acorns. Small groups of riders will next enter a preshow room where they will be subject to a simulated attack from vicious flesh-eating squirrels.
Following this simulated attack, riders board the unique four-person vehicles. Adding to the atmosphere, ride operators will wear realistic and comfortably warm squirrel fur outfits. During the ride's course of several dives and vertical switchbacks, the extensive theming continues with realistic and sudden attacks at random intervals by killer squirrels. The combination of a roller coaster ride, added to the utterly lifelike and terrifying squirrel attacks, is expected, in the words of a Bowcraft rep, to "make grown men squeal like pigs at the very sight of a common grey squirrel for the remainder of their pathetic natural lives."
The new ride will feature an advertising campaign based on the following slogan: "Bust Your Nut on the Screaming Squirrel!"
--JCK (with assistance from FMB)
An innovative S&S/Arrow family coaster will make its U. S. amusement park debut in Spring, 2005. The Screaming Squirrel, a production-model wild mouse-style ride where cars actually dive completely upside down, has previously only existed at the S&S facility in Logan, Utah, but that will change with the opening of a new installation of the compact ride at New Jersey's Bowcraft Amusement Park. Although Bowcraft is already home to a small Dragon model of junior coaster, the park has high hopes that being home to the unusual new Squirrel coaster will both bring the coveted coaster enthusiast demographic, as well as even more local guests, to its gates.
Although the Screaming Squirrel is available from S&S as a standard model, Bowcraft has decided to make its version stand out from potential copycats with extensive theming. According to park sources, park guests will approach the ride through a pine forest loaded with 6000 live and ominously chattering squirrels, which may or not pelt people on the head with acorns. Small groups of riders will next enter a preshow room where they will be subject to a simulated attack from vicious flesh-eating squirrels.
Following this simulated attack, riders board the unique four-person vehicles. Adding to the atmosphere, ride operators will wear realistic and comfortably warm squirrel fur outfits. During the ride's course of several dives and vertical switchbacks, the extensive theming continues with realistic and sudden attacks at random intervals by killer squirrels. The combination of a roller coaster ride, added to the utterly lifelike and terrifying squirrel attacks, is expected, in the words of a Bowcraft rep, to "make grown men squeal like pigs at the very sight of a common grey squirrel for the remainder of their pathetic natural lives."
The new ride will feature an advertising campaign based on the following slogan: "Bust Your Nut on the Screaming Squirrel!"
--JCK (with assistance from FMB)
Sunday, October 24, 2004
X Already Dreading Solace Aftermath
In an exclusive ARN&R interview, X, the controversial "4D" coaster at Magic Mountain, confided that he's already dreading a post-Solace Magic Mountain event that will likely involve ERT for "those fat bastards."
"Life! Don't talk to me about life," the famously unreliable coaster reported, "Do you know how many times a day I'm vomited on? No, of course you don't. Why would you care about what I go through? You just want to sit your fat, human body on my aching structure and ride me. No one cares what I go through. No one cares about the incredible ache down my rear structural support ever since the last ERT."
"1,547. What? You don't know what that means? Of course you don't. That's the number of times I've been vomited on. Not that you care."
"I've been peed on 36 times as well," the manically depressed coaster added, "Oh, is that too much information? Well pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it. God, I'm depressed."
"It's hard enough running the two or three days a week that I bother. At least half the load on my poorly built frame is kids and teenagers. But enthusiast ERT, my God! Every time I think the fattest person in the world has crammed into my restraints, another one sits down. What are these people so enthusiastic about anyway? Roller coasters or pork chops?"
"Oh great. I bet enthusiasts are going to hate me for saying that now. That's okay. Everyone hates me. People that ride me hate me for having a four-hour line. People that can't ride me hate me for being closed. Magic Mountain hates me for being so expensive to maintain. Arrow hated me for being so expensive to build and for pushing them into bankruptcy, like it was my fault they planned for the future as well as Milli Vanilli. Even other coasters hate me. None of them want to talk to me. Top Thrill Dragster used to speak to me when everyone hated him, but now he won't even return my calls. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away."
At this point, X concluded the interview by breaking down.
--MOS (with just a touch of input from Douglas Adams [R.I.P. Douglas])
In an exclusive ARN&R interview, X, the controversial "4D" coaster at Magic Mountain, confided that he's already dreading a post-Solace Magic Mountain event that will likely involve ERT for "those fat bastards."
"Life! Don't talk to me about life," the famously unreliable coaster reported, "Do you know how many times a day I'm vomited on? No, of course you don't. Why would you care about what I go through? You just want to sit your fat, human body on my aching structure and ride me. No one cares what I go through. No one cares about the incredible ache down my rear structural support ever since the last ERT."
"1,547. What? You don't know what that means? Of course you don't. That's the number of times I've been vomited on. Not that you care."
"I've been peed on 36 times as well," the manically depressed coaster added, "Oh, is that too much information? Well pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it. God, I'm depressed."
"It's hard enough running the two or three days a week that I bother. At least half the load on my poorly built frame is kids and teenagers. But enthusiast ERT, my God! Every time I think the fattest person in the world has crammed into my restraints, another one sits down. What are these people so enthusiastic about anyway? Roller coasters or pork chops?"
"Oh great. I bet enthusiasts are going to hate me for saying that now. That's okay. Everyone hates me. People that ride me hate me for having a four-hour line. People that can't ride me hate me for being closed. Magic Mountain hates me for being so expensive to maintain. Arrow hated me for being so expensive to build and for pushing them into bankruptcy, like it was my fault they planned for the future as well as Milli Vanilli. Even other coasters hate me. None of them want to talk to me. Top Thrill Dragster used to speak to me when everyone hated him, but now he won't even return my calls. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away."
At this point, X concluded the interview by breaking down.
--MOS (with just a touch of input from Douglas Adams [R.I.P. Douglas])
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Six Flags Plots New Strategy
OKLAHOMA CITY -- Six Flags Inc (NYSE: PKS) will be overhauling its parks for 2005, stated chairman Kieran E. Burke yesterday at a meeting of stockholders.
"These are desperate times in America, and they require desperate actions on the part of forward-thinking management," he said.
Faced with sagging profits and dwindling attendance, the world's largest regional theme park operator has blamed everything from weather to terror threats for its lackluster performance. But Burke said that he had finally identified the true cause.
"I finally walked through one of our jewels, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. I must admit, it was a hole," he said shamefully. "The food was overpriced and unappealing, the rides were either broken down or had ridiculously long lines, there was trash everywhere on the midway and the bathrooms hadn't been cleaned since the previous season."
Burke announced a three-step plan for turning the chain around. The first step, he said, was to "not deny the tradition that Six Flags has developed in its long proud tradition." Customers, he said, flock to their parks for the unique Six Flags experience. "Rather than run from our guests' expectation, I intend to meet them head on."
Beginning in 2005, all rides will operate for only 15 minutes per day before the parks close. "This will ensure that our guests no longer have to fear rides constantly breaking down due to poor maintenance. With such a brief operating schedule, our crews will be able to keep the rides in top condition."
This practice will also turn a former deficit into an asset. "Long lines will no longer be a problem, since the rides will not be running." This will also allow the chain to cut its maintenance staff in half.
The second initiative is regarding the food service at the park. "We will turn to the masters of food service in the world, the United States Military. We have contracted with them for 2005 to provide MREs at all our parks. Our guests will enjoy the same quality food that our valued soldiers and Marines do." The advantage of this, Burke claimed, is consistency. It also will help instill patriotism in the guests, reminding them of the sacrifices our troops are making overseas.
The final change that Burke announced was in regard to the park's cleanliness. The challenge, he said, is the difficulty in finding low-wage workers who want to engage in the dirtiest jobs at the parks. So he plans to eliminate all of the park's restroom and waste reclamation facilities, along with most of the custodians.
"When I saw all the trash on the ground at Kentucky Kingdom, I realized that this was a potential gold mine waiting to be exploited." Rather than force guests to walk a few feet to throw their trash into a refuse container, Burke will encourage that guests throw their trash, and especially their food, directly onto the ground.
"We are purchasing 1500 roto-tillers, which will be used to mix the trash, which after all is fertilizer, directly into the ground throughout the day. This will not only help to nourish the thousands of dying plants in our parks, but also create much more of a quaint country fair atmosphere. It will also eliminate the costly maintenance of thousands of tons of poured concrete walkways."
Burke's novel solution to the challenge of maintaining restroom facilities follows the same idea. "Our parks are famous for their forested areas, but many of our guests never see the abundance of shade we provide. So our most-used park facility will be a deep hole in the forest serving as the park's lavatory, which will encourage our guests to commune with nature."
At the end of each day, the hole will be bulldozed and a new one dug out. "I did this all the time at home for my dog, just on a much smaller scale. If it's good enough for my dog, it's certainly good enough for Six Flags guests."
Burke is confident that his strategy will work. "We expect profits to grow by 75 percent next year, barring any more natural disasters or terrorist attacks. Or, you know, any weather that is not sunny and 72 degrees."
--JRD
OKLAHOMA CITY -- Six Flags Inc (NYSE: PKS) will be overhauling its parks for 2005, stated chairman Kieran E. Burke yesterday at a meeting of stockholders.
"These are desperate times in America, and they require desperate actions on the part of forward-thinking management," he said.
Faced with sagging profits and dwindling attendance, the world's largest regional theme park operator has blamed everything from weather to terror threats for its lackluster performance. But Burke said that he had finally identified the true cause.
"I finally walked through one of our jewels, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. I must admit, it was a hole," he said shamefully. "The food was overpriced and unappealing, the rides were either broken down or had ridiculously long lines, there was trash everywhere on the midway and the bathrooms hadn't been cleaned since the previous season."
Burke announced a three-step plan for turning the chain around. The first step, he said, was to "not deny the tradition that Six Flags has developed in its long proud tradition." Customers, he said, flock to their parks for the unique Six Flags experience. "Rather than run from our guests' expectation, I intend to meet them head on."
Beginning in 2005, all rides will operate for only 15 minutes per day before the parks close. "This will ensure that our guests no longer have to fear rides constantly breaking down due to poor maintenance. With such a brief operating schedule, our crews will be able to keep the rides in top condition."
This practice will also turn a former deficit into an asset. "Long lines will no longer be a problem, since the rides will not be running." This will also allow the chain to cut its maintenance staff in half.
The second initiative is regarding the food service at the park. "We will turn to the masters of food service in the world, the United States Military. We have contracted with them for 2005 to provide MREs at all our parks. Our guests will enjoy the same quality food that our valued soldiers and Marines do." The advantage of this, Burke claimed, is consistency. It also will help instill patriotism in the guests, reminding them of the sacrifices our troops are making overseas.
The final change that Burke announced was in regard to the park's cleanliness. The challenge, he said, is the difficulty in finding low-wage workers who want to engage in the dirtiest jobs at the parks. So he plans to eliminate all of the park's restroom and waste reclamation facilities, along with most of the custodians.
"When I saw all the trash on the ground at Kentucky Kingdom, I realized that this was a potential gold mine waiting to be exploited." Rather than force guests to walk a few feet to throw their trash into a refuse container, Burke will encourage that guests throw their trash, and especially their food, directly onto the ground.
"We are purchasing 1500 roto-tillers, which will be used to mix the trash, which after all is fertilizer, directly into the ground throughout the day. This will not only help to nourish the thousands of dying plants in our parks, but also create much more of a quaint country fair atmosphere. It will also eliminate the costly maintenance of thousands of tons of poured concrete walkways."
Burke's novel solution to the challenge of maintaining restroom facilities follows the same idea. "Our parks are famous for their forested areas, but many of our guests never see the abundance of shade we provide. So our most-used park facility will be a deep hole in the forest serving as the park's lavatory, which will encourage our guests to commune with nature."
At the end of each day, the hole will be bulldozed and a new one dug out. "I did this all the time at home for my dog, just on a much smaller scale. If it's good enough for my dog, it's certainly good enough for Six Flags guests."
Burke is confident that his strategy will work. "We expect profits to grow by 75 percent next year, barring any more natural disasters or terrorist attacks. Or, you know, any weather that is not sunny and 72 degrees."
--JRD
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Holiday World's Plans Exposed
Holiday World today announced a large expansion of its Splashin' Safari water park, as well as a new flat ride and a second train on its acclaimed Raven roller coaster.
ARN&R, however, has learned the truth behind the park's plans, having acquired a confidential memorandum from Will Koch, head of the park, to employees. Its text is reproduced here exclusively:
TO: Staff
FR: Will Koch
RE: Rebranding the Park
You have all now received a copy of our press release announcing the significant expansion of the water park with our new wave pool called "Bahari," the new "Revolution" flat ride, and the second train on Raven. This memorandum provides you with further information about how this fits into my ultimate goal of the park being acquired and rebranded as "Six Flags Over That Empty Part Of Indiana."
In order to properly impress Six Flags corporate into purchasing the park, please note the following:
- We will consistently be running the second train on Raven, but the second train will at all times be completely empty.
- Although the water park is nearly doubling in size, we will be reducing our employee count in that area by 20% and throw away half of our tubes.
- The new flat ride will be inoperable for 75% of the time with no signage or explanation.
- Our popular "free soda" program will henceforth be limited to one two-ounce cup per day and will only include "Squirt" brand soda.
- Our popular "free sunscreen" program will provide only SPF 3 sunscreen. Additional sunscreen will cost $5 for a one-ounce bottle.
- We will immediately spend millions on an ad campaign featuring a freakish old person insisting that the park is fun while not actually doing anything to make it so.
I thank you for your cooperation in this exciting time.
I remain, very truly yours,
Will "Mr. Six" Koch
Holiday World today announced a large expansion of its Splashin' Safari water park, as well as a new flat ride and a second train on its acclaimed Raven roller coaster.
ARN&R, however, has learned the truth behind the park's plans, having acquired a confidential memorandum from Will Koch, head of the park, to employees. Its text is reproduced here exclusively:
TO: Staff
FR: Will Koch
RE: Rebranding the Park
You have all now received a copy of our press release announcing the significant expansion of the water park with our new wave pool called "Bahari," the new "Revolution" flat ride, and the second train on Raven. This memorandum provides you with further information about how this fits into my ultimate goal of the park being acquired and rebranded as "Six Flags Over That Empty Part Of Indiana."
In order to properly impress Six Flags corporate into purchasing the park, please note the following:
- We will consistently be running the second train on Raven, but the second train will at all times be completely empty.
- Although the water park is nearly doubling in size, we will be reducing our employee count in that area by 20% and throw away half of our tubes.
- The new flat ride will be inoperable for 75% of the time with no signage or explanation.
- Our popular "free soda" program will henceforth be limited to one two-ounce cup per day and will only include "Squirt" brand soda.
- Our popular "free sunscreen" program will provide only SPF 3 sunscreen. Additional sunscreen will cost $5 for a one-ounce bottle.
- We will immediately spend millions on an ad campaign featuring a freakish old person insisting that the park is fun while not actually doing anything to make it so.
I thank you for your cooperation in this exciting time.
I remain, very truly yours,
Will "Mr. Six" Koch
Monday, October 04, 2004
Screamscape Contributor Files Suit Against Great Adventure Employee
Jason Knobler has filed a lawsuit against Carol Lipinski, an employee of the Dippin' Dots dessert stand. The complaint, filed yesterday, alleges that Lipinski "totally lied" about Six Flags Great Adventure's new coaster plans and, in fact, "totally made lots of shit up" during the course of the 2004 season.
Apparently, Knobler’s deal with the three-hundred-pound Lipinski was for "sexual services" at prearranged meetings during the months of July and August. At the end of each session, it was arranged that Lipinski would service Knobler back with a new piece of information about Great Adventure’s planned roller coaster for 2005, information that Knobler would send via his cell phone to Screamscape, hoping to break the story.
"I worked very, very hard for that information," said Knobler in a prepared statement, "and endured acts that would break most men. In the two months that I 'serviced' Ms. Lipinski, during those encounters, and their aftermath, I questioned my identity, my sanity, and my sexuality. And for what? She told me it was a 500 foot, B&M, inverted, launched coaster that went underwater. I want restitution!"
When contacted by ARN&R, Lipinski responded that she only told Knobler "what he wanted to hear." When asked about the lawsuit, Lipinski said she felt no ill will toward Knobler and, in fact, "wished he would call her sometime."
--MOS
Jason Knobler has filed a lawsuit against Carol Lipinski, an employee of the Dippin' Dots dessert stand. The complaint, filed yesterday, alleges that Lipinski "totally lied" about Six Flags Great Adventure's new coaster plans and, in fact, "totally made lots of shit up" during the course of the 2004 season.
Apparently, Knobler’s deal with the three-hundred-pound Lipinski was for "sexual services" at prearranged meetings during the months of July and August. At the end of each session, it was arranged that Lipinski would service Knobler back with a new piece of information about Great Adventure’s planned roller coaster for 2005, information that Knobler would send via his cell phone to Screamscape, hoping to break the story.
"I worked very, very hard for that information," said Knobler in a prepared statement, "and endured acts that would break most men. In the two months that I 'serviced' Ms. Lipinski, during those encounters, and their aftermath, I questioned my identity, my sanity, and my sexuality. And for what? She told me it was a 500 foot, B&M, inverted, launched coaster that went underwater. I want restitution!"
When contacted by ARN&R, Lipinski responded that she only told Knobler "what he wanted to hear." When asked about the lawsuit, Lipinski said she felt no ill will toward Knobler and, in fact, "wished he would call her sometime."
--MOS
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Fox News: Kerry "Really Likes Sky Princess, Scared of Hypers"
Following up on their amusing -- if completely fictional -- story suggesting that John Kerry declared himself a good candidate because, among other things, he gives manicures, Fox News also reported yesterday that Kerry is a "huge fan" of Sky Princess at Dutch Wonderland and that he is "pants-wettingly scared" of hypercoasters.
"In a speech given yesterday in central Pennsylvania, Kerry told the crowd that 'Sky Princess' at nearby Dutch Wonderland is as big a coaster as he can handle. He also stepped out from behind the podium and wet himself just thinking about riding Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood," wrote Fox's Carl "Honest, I'm Fair And Balanced Even Though I'm Parroting Republican Talking Points" Cameron. "Kerry then put on eyeliner and danced in a tutu before proposing to John Edwards," the story concluded.
Fox later retracted the story, reporting that Cameron "just got all fatigued again" and that "this time we told him it was a really bad thing." The Kerry campaign whimpered and accepted the apology.
Following up on their amusing -- if completely fictional -- story suggesting that John Kerry declared himself a good candidate because, among other things, he gives manicures, Fox News also reported yesterday that Kerry is a "huge fan" of Sky Princess at Dutch Wonderland and that he is "pants-wettingly scared" of hypercoasters.
"In a speech given yesterday in central Pennsylvania, Kerry told the crowd that 'Sky Princess' at nearby Dutch Wonderland is as big a coaster as he can handle. He also stepped out from behind the podium and wet himself just thinking about riding Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood," wrote Fox's Carl "Honest, I'm Fair And Balanced Even Though I'm Parroting Republican Talking Points" Cameron. "Kerry then put on eyeliner and danced in a tutu before proposing to John Edwards," the story concluded.
Fox later retracted the story, reporting that Cameron "just got all fatigued again" and that "this time we told him it was a really bad thing." The Kerry campaign whimpered and accepted the apology.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Relentless Protests Greet Kingda Ka Announcement
According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.
"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"
Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.
"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"
Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."
Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."
DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.
Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"
Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.
--JCK/Grand Poobah
According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.
"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"
Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.
"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"
Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."
Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."
DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.
Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"
Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.
--JCK/Grand Poobah
10 Month-Old Consultant Impresses Six Flags Board
In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.
Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.
“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”
“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”
“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”
--CO
In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.
Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.
“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”
“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”
“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”
--CO
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Enthusiast Suffers Nervous Breakdown
Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.
While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly. Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.
"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school. I really didn't understand any of it, or care. It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."
When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game. On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420! 3D! 450! Atari! 120! 140! I
don't know!" Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.
Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.
--BS
Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.
While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly. Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.
"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school. I really didn't understand any of it, or care. It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."
When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game. On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420! 3D! 450! Atari! 120! 140! I
don't know!" Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.
Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.
--BS
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