But Wait, There's More

We know you can't get enough of Psycho Loser Stalker Jerkoff, so we're committed to providing you with as many steaming platefuls of him as you can stomach. We found a wonderful thread featuring PLSJ at PKI Central, and in fact two different people had come up with story ideas making use of that topic as a Site O' the Weak. Sadly, someone at the site recently decided to make that topic a members-only discussion, making its use as a SOW somewhat difficult.

However, we shall instruct you on how to see this magnificent discussion; it merely takes a few seconds out of your day, and, believe us, it will be worth it.

First, go to PKI Central and sign up for a user name. All you need to do is ask for a login name and provide a real email address, and you can log on. You don't even need to go through a tedious reconfirmation process through your email. Now you are a member, and can read whatever topics you want at the site.

Next, direct your browser to "What is up with Taxi Jam?" a thread so magnificent and wonderful that you will unable to think about anything else, even masturbating to Kumba Ka pictures, for weeks.

For those of you thinking of skipping out on this once-in-a-lifetime experience, due to the possibility that it will take a few minutes out of your day, keep in mind that this is the most amazing and wondrous thread ever made. When Psycho Loser Jackoff Stalker begins a thread by bitching about not being allowed on Top Cat's Taxi Jam, a coaster which is, seriously, about six feet high and goes in one little oval, and refers to an alleged companion as his "Asian Ladyfriend" about four hundred times in each paragraph, it's already worth seeing. But then it actually gets better, as his posts grow more insane and the responses of the other forum participants grow ever more nasty. Oh, it brought tears of joy to our eyes, and savage pain to our spleens.

Read. Taste. Gnaw. Devour. Experience. You'll fall on your knees and thank us.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: The part where he threatens to "beat the crap" out of some enthusiasts and informs everyoen that he "is not someone to mess with" is also pretty amazing.]

ACE Region Turns to Pornography


As regional representatives of the American Coaster Enthusiasts discover the power of the Internet, recent months have seen a proliferation of websites specifically devoted to the activities of various ACE regions. But, as these new webmasters have discovered, the only way to run a website at a profit is to showcase porn. (Either that, or feature articles satirizing the amusement industry, which experts tell us has enabled ARN&R to earn literally hundreds of cents over the past few years.)

While most ACE regional websites have floundered in financial woe and irrelevance, one has made the bold leap to be noticed by the world at large: The Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts webpage, reached at www.ace18.org, operated by the suddenly wealthy ACE Region 18.

"We were trying to think of something that would play well off the name of our region, which is eighteen," said Barely Legal Teen Coaster Sluts spokesman John DiStefano. "And naturally we remembered that eighteen is the age of consent in most states, which means you can legally feature porn involving anyone over that age. And it's really taken off...our hot, horny, barely-eighteen coasters will allow themselves to be ruthlessly violated in unspeakable ways just for your amusement, as long as you provide us with your credit card number."

Some of the popular barely-eighteen coasters featured engaging in graphic and deranged scenes of sexual activity on the website include Le Monstre, Puff the Little Fire Dragon, and Disaster Transport. However, DiStefano warned that visitors to the website should not expect to see anything illegal on the Region 18 site.

"All of our whores and sluts are of legal age," he stated. "Most of them are mere hours or perhaps days past the age of eighteen, which means they are totally hot, young, and ready for action, but also will not cause us to get thrown in jail for showing 24 ACE members riding them at once. But unfortunately, if you are looking for those steamy new pics of Hades violating four different holes, you're out of luck. You'll have to look to other sources for your jailbait."

--JCK

Dollywood Flat Ride Revealed

Word has rapidly spread throughout the enthusiast community that Dollywood would be adding new flat rides, but only ARN&R has the exclusive word on what one of the rides will be.

Based loosely on Epcot's TestTrack concept, Dolly herself has been heavily involved in planning their new "non-flat" flat ride, an innovative concept in 4-D renderings and taking make-up artistry to the next level. The ride concept is presently named "TestRack," though the park is reportedly considering other names, including "Melonriffic" and, perhaps least subtly, "Breasasaurus Rex."

According to sources, TestRack will be unveiled at the Grand Opening of the 2005 season, and will allow guests to experience for themselves what it's like for Dolly to carry her own specific weight distribution around daily.  

Initially, there were concerns that Disney would sue. But after some tough negotiating with the lead mouse himself, Dolly and her supporters, er, lawyers have won over Mickey.   Rumors suggest that a large block of cheese was delivered to the Magic Kingdom, but this reporter was unable to confirm or deny those claims. Nor was ARN&R able to confirm reports that Mickey was allowed an opportunity to roam free on the inspirations for the new ride.

In any event, the potential litigation is no longer on the horizon, and so we can confirm (assuming Interactive Rides isn't involved): Coming in '05 to the mountains of Tennessee....TestRack!

--BL

IAAPA Wrap-Up

Hey boys and girls, FMB spitting mad game as I share my IAAPA report with you. I had a great time this year as I big pimped at the Quality Inn, had some good eats at the Golden Corral and Western Sizzlin‚ buffets and got 50 rides on Hulk. Booyaa! Anyway, you industry types probably want to know what I found interesting on the show floor.

Premier Rides: Go-Karts and refurbishment, it was non-stop excitement here.

Intamin: Told to leave. Fuckers.

B&M: I made their trade show lackey my bitch and we talked about the B&M restraints for hours.

S&S: Stan handed out a lot of raw meat, but only if guests rode his new Screamin' Swing.

Pinfari: The size of their booth indicated that the mob is no longer financing their failures.

Vekoma: I hurt my head just walking by.

Zamperla: Disk'O - Guys, I rode this last year, bring me something new!

Gerstlauer: Learn how to speak our language, American.

Robocoaster: I am so glad they invest the time, money and effort to bring us concepts too impractical and expensive for anyone to buy.

ARM: Who knew a tower ride could be ghetto fab?

Sellner: I liked your new swing ride when Chance debuted it over 30 years ago.

Noble Romans, Dippin' Dots, Steak-Ums, Super Pretzel and Pepsi: The best booths on the floor!

--FMB

Details on Visionland Boomerang Emerge

Visionland amusement park recently announced its acquisition of a used Vekoma Boomerang coaster for the 2005 season. To date, most news reports have assumed that the installation would be a standard one, but ARN&R has received a few leaked details that will make the coaster something special:

- Most notably, the coaster will be installed in the front grassy area of the park, placed up on cinder blocks. "That will allow us to get right up under it to work on it, and really get it working, and it also allows us to move to a different trailer park, er, amusement park, if we need to," said the Visionland source.

- The park will purchase the optional porch build-out. "This makes it look different than all the rest and really adds the classy touch."

- The park will also purchase the optional extra half-bath. "So if we've got some neighbors over for NASCAR or just a few Schlitzes, they can drain the weasel right there without having to go down the hall."

At press time, the park had not decided whether to pay the extra $900 for mirrors on the ceiling.

Thank You For Sharing

Lots of enthusiasts like to take home junk they found at amusement parks. Some of them mistakenly even believe that their friends and family will be interested in viewing them. But there's nothing quite like a webpage that features a sexy photoshoot of nothing but a bunch of coaster cups someone actually bothered to take home. It makes us positively hard and/or moist to see these priceless artifacts displayed for all the world to worship and appreciate. Thank you for sharing, Site O' the Weak!

[Editor's Note: Please note that the SOW designation is for the coaster cup page only, not the rest of the site, which actually features rather good photos of actual coasters, as opposed to, you know, sexy photoshoots of some cups.]

General Grievous Casting Announced

In news that has been eagerly awaited by salivating Star Wars enthusiasts, the casting of a voice actor to portray General Grievous, a menacing new computer-generated villain appearing in next May's Revenge of the Sith, was announced today. Although many insiders had speculated that John Rhys-Davies, Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, or even Carrot Top might score the plum voice role, Lucasfilm made a bold and surprising move: handling the voice of the evil General will be none other than the Voice of Kennywood.

"It's a proud day for me," said the elated Voice of Kennywood. "I know I've achieved recognition over the years for my announcements at Kennywood, especially when I alert the crowds as to when the park will be closing, since it always varies based on weather and how many people visit the park. But this is a whole new step, and one that I feel will open an entire new horizon of voiceover opportunities for me."

"F*ck this Garfield shit," the Voice added. "I'm moving up in the world, baby."

In related news, ARN&R has learned a very interesting spoiler dealing with the highly-anticipated final Star Wars chapter: our source tells us that Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker end up in their massive duel to the death due to an argument over whether Tsunami is exciting or just rough as hell. As always, we will keep you posted as we hear further exciting news and rumors about Revenge of the Sith.

--JCK

ARN&R Writer Felled by Thanksgiving

According to sources, an ARN&R writer was utterly conquered by Thanksgiving dinner this year. Although many were led to believe his membership in the American Coaster Enthusiasts would enable him to survive metric assloads of stuffing, cranberry sauce, and turkey, the writer proved to me a mere mortal, managing to cram only one substantial plate of food down his gullet, and suffering greatly as a result.

"He just lay on the couch moaning and massaging his stomach for the rest of the night," said the writer's girlfriend. "I thought these enthusiast people were supposed to be able to pack down three or four tons of slop at one sitting. What a loser. Maybe I'll go find myself a real enthusiast who actually likes going backwards on rides and can help himself to a fifth plate of collard greens without having to loosen his belt and whine about how his tummy hurt."

According to one friend of the writer, his busy work schedule and lack of money led to the Thanksgiving incident. "Normally, he makes it to at least a couple enthusiast events," said a guest at the dinner. "Being amongst other enthusiasts for even just two or three buffets really keeps him in shape for pitching trowels of meat carcasses and bread into his esophagus. But this year, he wasn't able to get to a single event. If you don't practice ramming jugs of gravy and entire hams into your maw, you get out of shape at doing it."

When asked for comment, the writer allegedly grasped at his stomach, made a pained expression, and said "Uuuunnnnngggghhhhhhhhhh."

--JCK

Trip to New Zealand Turned Down

According to reports, a man named Luke Denning has recently declined to join his family on a vacation to New Zealand, despite the fact that most of the cost would be covered by his relatives. So why would someone turn down a chance to see his closest relatives and deny himself a once in a lifetime experience in a majestic, relatively unspoiled foreign country?

New Zealand has no roller coasters.

"Luke kept waffling about going to New Zealand," said co-worker Jenny Colson. "But he's one of those, I don't know what you call them officially, dork people who never has a girlfriend because he drools a lot and only talks about 'laterals' and how he 'likes a good hard ride on some wood.' But eventually he decided not to take the trip. He came in to work and yelled to us, not that we cared, that he "would visit New Zealand when they build a f*cking coaster!'"

"It kind of sucks for us," Colson added. "We thought he'd be out of the office for two weeks, and we wouldn't be forced to listen to all those grunting, slapping, and plopping noises that always seem to be going on in his cubicle whenever his coaster screen saver comes on. Oh well."

The tourism board of New Zealand is taking this matter very seriously. When asked for comment, a spokesman told ARN&R that New Zealand desperately wants Denning to spend time in that country, and will do anything he asks in order to make it happen, including building a massive world-record-setting launched coaster or adding gravy troughs throughout the country.

--JCK

New Policy at Cedar Point

Based on complaints from frequent important guests, Cedar Point will be enforcing a new policy of brake lights to be attached to all guests of the park. Each guest will be given a set of lights to hang on their rear as they enter the park and will be required to wear them at all times.

Cedar Point officials hope that this new policy will cut down on the excessive number of people stopping suddenly in the middle of the midway for no reason, causing untold frustration to those guests who are still able to think properly and make decisions once inside the park gates. The lights will come in various sizes to accommodate all guests, ranging from youth sizes through Too-Fat-for-Millennium-Force and Coaster-Enthusiast.

The lights are based on a new technology being developed in secret labs in the Disaster Transport building, finally giving light to the reason that Cedar Point still retains the ride. The lights respond to the stupidity level of guests and the size of the guests’ group and adjust their sensitivity to slowing of speeds. Guests in groups of six or more, and those from red states will have the highest setting.

Research has shown that in 56% of stoppages, the guests’ brain waves simply shut down for a time, and not knowing what to do next, the entire body will just stop. Guests with strollers are 71% more likely to fall within this category, while many fall into the 32% of stoppages due to unruly children. 11% are due to large groups not being able to make up their minds, while the remaining 1% is due to coaster enthusiasts stopping to take pictures or scratch themselves while faintly moaning.

In an interview with Cedar Point PR officials, it was noted that the complaints of a particularly annoyed ARN&R Field Reporter and girlfriend were a major contributing factor to the decision to implement the lights. "According to their reports, no less than 854 people stopped for no reason right in front of the hapless couple who were just trying to enjoy their day at the park," stated the official. "While past attempts to encourage people to think, or at least move to the side, before stopping have been unsuccessful, we are optimistic about the possibilities of this year’s plan."

There were unconfirmed rumors that the park would also be allowing guests who are run into by strollers to return the favor with greater force, but this could not be confirmed.

--BS