Tacky Wedding Contest Winners Revealed
Back in January, Better Weddings and Receptions magazine ran a survey to determine its Tackiest Wedding Ever contest winner. For the past several months, readers of the popular magazine have sent their responses in, and a champion is ready to be crowned. ARN&R will divulge the winner momentarily, but first, as a recap, we present the original Better Weddings and Receptions descriptions of the five finalists.
1) Tom and Katie host an outdoor wedding in North Carolina. The wedding ceremony is held at a location up in the mountains that has no running water, meaning that all wedding party members and the guests are forced to use an outhouse. Additionally, the groom admits during the ceremony that he purchased his bride's ring on layaway, so he expects he'll have it "pretty soon."
2) Brad and Angelina wisely decide on an outdoor wedding in Connecticut in early April, meaning that the temperature is a highly surprising 52 degrees Fahrenheit, with rain. The ceremony, hosted by a Justice of the Peace named "Vinnie," interrupts the heavy pre-wedding drinking of the entire wedding party, the majority (but not the entirety) of whom are convinced to at least put their drinks on the ground during the actual vows. Fortunately, the ceremony itself lasts only about a minute, so the bride is still able to down the rest of her screwdriver (her sixth) before any pesky ice melts and dilutes it.
3) Charles and Camilla have a coaster wedding. The wedding party members, including some relatives too old to walk without assistance, are strapped into Kraken. At some point during the ride, the minister conducts a ceremony that only the bride, groom, and best man can hear. After dismounting the ride, allowing paying customers back on it, the wedding party adjourns to the classy Shamu's Playhouse picnic area to shove cake in each others' faces and announce their decision to name their first child "Gwazi," regardless of the baby's gender.
4) Ben and Jennifer have their reception at a wedding factory, where wedding party members are announced NBA-style, complete with thumping booty music, strobe lights, and smoke. The bride and groom themselves are announced to the Rocky theme, whereupon they run into the reception room holding their hands up like someone anointed them champs, and then mock-box each other for their first dance. Wedding presents are opened at the wedding reception.
5) Kevin and Britney get hitched. During their ceremony, the bride and groom surprisingly unleash a duet of Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light upon the guests. After this unusual maneuver, and following a great deal of hooting and cat-calling from the guests when they are asked if anyone has just cause to protest the wedding, the groom manages to up the class of the event even more by announcing, when told to kiss the bride, "we'll be with you in a minute." Reception follows in "Forge Room," which is filled with anvils and stuffed moose heads. More hooting and cat-calling follows, but, sadly, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad and I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) do not.
The results of the survey, listed below as the percentage of the magazine's readership who voted for each entry as the Tackiest Wedding Ever, are quite interesting:
1) Meatloaf wedding (41%)
2) Outhouse wedding (40%)
3) Drunk wedding (11%)
4) NBA wedding (6%)
5) Coaster wedding (2%)
The narrow victory for Meatloaf over outhouses made for mildly compelling theater, but the most important story has to be the lack of votes for the coaster wedding. Apparently, when placed alongside these other trashfests, getting hitched on a coaster comes out looking pretty classy. This is certainly good news for coaster enthusiasts everywhere.
The three or four who managed to take a girl on a date last year, anyway.
--JCK
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Correction
ARN&R lovingly corrects errors. Indeed, it thrills us more than it likely should to correct errors.
It has come to our attention that this week's Site O' The Weak is not, in point of fact, a source of "warmed-over press releases." Rather, that function is achieved by ITPS's daily news e-mail. The ITPS blog is, rather, strictly a source for questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar. And that horrible, horrible yellow.
ARN&R regrets the error, and will engage in even more self-flagellation than usual.
ARN&R lovingly corrects errors. Indeed, it thrills us more than it likely should to correct errors.
It has come to our attention that this week's Site O' The Weak is not, in point of fact, a source of "warmed-over press releases." Rather, that function is achieved by ITPS's daily news e-mail. The ITPS blog is, rather, strictly a source for questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar. And that horrible, horrible yellow.
ARN&R regrets the error, and will engage in even more self-flagellation than usual.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Severe Eye Hazard! Be Alert!
We have many gallons of horrible websites to which your attention will be directed in the coming weeks, but today, one jumped to the front of the line.
It's not the content, though we question the need for another source to see warmed-over press releases and questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar ("Real TV with emotion , not the muck you see today like Fear Factor, andThe Batchelor, Batchelorette,Etc."). But it's that yellow.
That. Yellow.
That yellow that burns into your eyes, into your brain, into your very soul. How, if there is a just God, can there be HTML coding to permit such a yellow?
Please, make it stop.
But until it stops, or at least until next week, International Theme Park Services' new Blog will be our Site O' The Weak.
We have many gallons of horrible websites to which your attention will be directed in the coming weeks, but today, one jumped to the front of the line.
It's not the content, though we question the need for another source to see warmed-over press releases and questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar ("Real TV with emotion , not the muck you see today like Fear Factor, andThe Batchelor, Batchelorette,Etc."). But it's that yellow.
That. Yellow.
That yellow that burns into your eyes, into your brain, into your very soul. How, if there is a just God, can there be HTML coding to permit such a yellow?
Please, make it stop.
But until it stops, or at least until next week, International Theme Park Services' new Blog will be our Site O' The Weak.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Enthusiast Discovers Bitching and Moaning Online Far More Fun Than Actually Visiting Parks
Maryland enthusiast Tom Randall couldn't wait for the amusement park season to start again. He had planned the path he would follow at each of the area parks that were opening, he had timed his visit to Busch Gardens Williamsburg to coincide with the opening of DorKastle, and he had purchased a digital camera to document every part of every visit. He'd even gotten the inside scoop on a new bathroom at Six Flags America, and he was positive he'd have the first high-resolution photographs of it on the web.
And then the season actually started.
"It was weird," said Randall in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Once I got to Kings Dominion, all I could think of was how much more fun I'd be having posting on ThrillNetwork. They allow those awesome forum games, like 'Insult the person above you,' and I also have been having a lot of fun arguing about whether the Hades banked curve is 90 degrees or 91 degrees. That's good living. Actually being at the park? Ennnhh."
Undeterred, Randall visited both Six Flags America and Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and somehow found standing in line for hours for coasters he'd ridden dozens of times before to be not entirely fulfilling.
At press time, Randall had canceled a planned six-state tour of amusement parks and put the money into a high-speed internet connection. He has joined four new web forums and was, at last report, in a fiery debate about whether Valleyfair! or Worlds of Fun would be next receiving a B&M inverted coaster. (ARN&R sources indicate that each will in fact receive a used dunk tank.)
Maryland enthusiast Tom Randall couldn't wait for the amusement park season to start again. He had planned the path he would follow at each of the area parks that were opening, he had timed his visit to Busch Gardens Williamsburg to coincide with the opening of DorKastle, and he had purchased a digital camera to document every part of every visit. He'd even gotten the inside scoop on a new bathroom at Six Flags America, and he was positive he'd have the first high-resolution photographs of it on the web.
And then the season actually started.
"It was weird," said Randall in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Once I got to Kings Dominion, all I could think of was how much more fun I'd be having posting on ThrillNetwork. They allow those awesome forum games, like 'Insult the person above you,' and I also have been having a lot of fun arguing about whether the Hades banked curve is 90 degrees or 91 degrees. That's good living. Actually being at the park? Ennnhh."
Undeterred, Randall visited both Six Flags America and Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and somehow found standing in line for hours for coasters he'd ridden dozens of times before to be not entirely fulfilling.
At press time, Randall had canceled a planned six-state tour of amusement parks and put the money into a high-speed internet connection. He has joined four new web forums and was, at last report, in a fiery debate about whether Valleyfair! or Worlds of Fun would be next receiving a B&M inverted coaster. (ARN&R sources indicate that each will in fact receive a used dunk tank.)
Friday, April 29, 2005
Such an Amazing Place, You Can't Comprehend Its Glory
That pretty much sums up the Coaster Crew website. Although it's supposedly a coaster club, it looks more like a project for a special ed website creation class. Much amusement can be gained from perusing the entire Coaster Crew site, but this could also cause potentially damaging brain spasms. With that in mind, let us helpfully direct you to some highlights:
-Although spelling and grammar abominations can be found on nearly every page of the entire site, this one, featuring the timeless beauty of comments like "[i]f you are asking your self why then you are not aloud to come on this trip," is particularly noteworthy.
-No coaster enthusiast website would be complete without a photo section highlighting The Beautiful People who populate the group. Especially when The Beautiful People are floundering around in a pitiful attempt to get out of a very small pool or rubbing their groins on other people.
-If you'd like, you can join the Coaster Crew. For the low cost of ten dollars, you, too, can spell poorly and participate in really stupid forum topics. Try not to think about what it will mean to the future health of your bodily orifices when you think about the site's statement that "[y]ou can unlock a hole new world of coaster riding when you join the Coaster Crew."
-If you are a major park chain, and have tired of naming your rides after stupid park mascots or just calling them all "Viper" or "Boomerang," be sure to check out the handy Ride Naming Chart provided by the Coaster Crew.
In summary, the website sucks, Which means it's perfect for Site O' the Weak honors.
-JCK/BCR
[Editor's Note: Rumors that the Coaster Crew would soon be merging with Team Woo are unconfirmed at this time.]
That pretty much sums up the Coaster Crew website. Although it's supposedly a coaster club, it looks more like a project for a special ed website creation class. Much amusement can be gained from perusing the entire Coaster Crew site, but this could also cause potentially damaging brain spasms. With that in mind, let us helpfully direct you to some highlights:
-Although spelling and grammar abominations can be found on nearly every page of the entire site, this one, featuring the timeless beauty of comments like "[i]f you are asking your self why then you are not aloud to come on this trip," is particularly noteworthy.
-No coaster enthusiast website would be complete without a photo section highlighting The Beautiful People who populate the group. Especially when The Beautiful People are floundering around in a pitiful attempt to get out of a very small pool or rubbing their groins on other people.
-If you'd like, you can join the Coaster Crew. For the low cost of ten dollars, you, too, can spell poorly and participate in really stupid forum topics. Try not to think about what it will mean to the future health of your bodily orifices when you think about the site's statement that "[y]ou can unlock a hole new world of coaster riding when you join the Coaster Crew."
-If you are a major park chain, and have tired of naming your rides after stupid park mascots or just calling them all "Viper" or "Boomerang," be sure to check out the handy Ride Naming Chart provided by the Coaster Crew.
In summary, the website sucks, Which means it's perfect for Site O' the Weak honors.
-JCK/BCR
[Editor's Note: Rumors that the Coaster Crew would soon be merging with Team Woo are unconfirmed at this time.]
Monday, April 25, 2005
New Wavers Getting Aggressive
As reported by Amusement Business, a group of jockeys was injured by Flock of Seagulls during a race in Melbourne at the end of March. After a planet-wide manhunt, the last fugitive member of the band, drummer Albert Cruz, was finally captured by authorities in New Jersey today.
Although the general population can rest more easily tonight knowing that these dangerous criminals are off the streets, many people are asking the same question: do these jeans make me look fat? Some of them are also wondering why this group of washed-up almost musicians would attack jockeys, particularly in so public a setting as an actual race.
According to Flock of Seagulls lead singer Michael Score, it was the county fair's fault. Or, actually, the fault of all fairs. "We just snapped," he told ARN&R. "Our world tour just took us to a few too many local fairs and farmer's markets. Aside from the pig squeals and donkey brayings drowning out our beautiful music and ruining the experience for the multitudes of our slavishly devoted fans in attendance at these fairs, we were assaulted constantly by the smell of vomit emanating from the exit ramp of the Gravitron and the Zipper. What can I say? We lost it. And, like everyone else probably does when they are pushed too far, we decided to attack some jockeys. It's an unfortunate, but perfectly normal, reaction to stress."
Score told ARN&R that Flock of Seagulls intends to vigorously fight any legal action brought against them by the jockeys or the organizers of the horse race they ruined. He also added that, barring jail time, the band would soon be taking a break from performing at weddings and bar mitzvahs and would be entering the studio to produce a new album filled with "darker, more introspective acoustic material."
--JCK
As reported by Amusement Business, a group of jockeys was injured by Flock of Seagulls during a race in Melbourne at the end of March. After a planet-wide manhunt, the last fugitive member of the band, drummer Albert Cruz, was finally captured by authorities in New Jersey today.
Although the general population can rest more easily tonight knowing that these dangerous criminals are off the streets, many people are asking the same question: do these jeans make me look fat? Some of them are also wondering why this group of washed-up almost musicians would attack jockeys, particularly in so public a setting as an actual race.
According to Flock of Seagulls lead singer Michael Score, it was the county fair's fault. Or, actually, the fault of all fairs. "We just snapped," he told ARN&R. "Our world tour just took us to a few too many local fairs and farmer's markets. Aside from the pig squeals and donkey brayings drowning out our beautiful music and ruining the experience for the multitudes of our slavishly devoted fans in attendance at these fairs, we were assaulted constantly by the smell of vomit emanating from the exit ramp of the Gravitron and the Zipper. What can I say? We lost it. And, like everyone else probably does when they are pushed too far, we decided to attack some jockeys. It's an unfortunate, but perfectly normal, reaction to stress."
Score told ARN&R that Flock of Seagulls intends to vigorously fight any legal action brought against them by the jockeys or the organizers of the horse race they ruined. He also added that, barring jail time, the band would soon be taking a break from performing at weddings and bar mitzvahs and would be entering the studio to produce a new album filled with "darker, more introspective acoustic material."
--JCK
Friday, April 22, 2005
Jesus Apologizes For Spam
One-third of the Holy Trinity recently issued a press statement apologizing for spamming groups like rec.roller-coaster. It began, "Yo peeps. Sorry about some of my misguided members dropping the spam on the newsgroups. I have already banished them to an eternity of being Satan's Special Little Helper."
The posts, often rambling and backwoods in nature, act like they care. Some, such as this one utilize the short paragraph style popularized by USA Today for fourth-graders and those living in Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky and Tennessee.
While all of the posts have the same content, they feature many different titles, from "Good morning or good evening depending upon your location. I want to ask you the most important question of your life. Your joy or sorrow for all eternity depends upon your answer. The question is: Are you saved? It is not a question of how good you are, nor if you are a church member, but are you saved? Are you sure you will go to Heaven when you die?" to "Are you looking for Jesus or naked+pics+Jenna+Jameson?"
In a recent interview with ARN&R the J-man rapped with me about why he thinks spamming is so wrong. ?I'm just pissed that those dickweeds used my name for posting that garbage. You'd think they could get a real job," he thundered. "I wish I could sit around in a trailer all day posting musings about religion, but some of us have to work for a living!"
Apparently the King of Kings isn?t the only one angry as The WebAlias Network recently suspended the ?jesus-animation? because of ?spamming activities by its owner. Jesus commented, "That's great, now I'm a web cartoon. At least Fritz the Cat was on film."
--FMB
One-third of the Holy Trinity recently issued a press statement apologizing for spamming groups like rec.roller-coaster. It began, "Yo peeps. Sorry about some of my misguided members dropping the spam on the newsgroups. I have already banished them to an eternity of being Satan's Special Little Helper."
The posts, often rambling and backwoods in nature, act like they care. Some, such as this one utilize the short paragraph style popularized by USA Today for fourth-graders and those living in Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky and Tennessee.
While all of the posts have the same content, they feature many different titles, from "Good morning or good evening depending upon your location. I want to ask you the most important question of your life. Your joy or sorrow for all eternity depends upon your answer. The question is: Are you saved? It is not a question of how good you are, nor if you are a church member, but are you saved? Are you sure you will go to Heaven when you die?" to "Are you looking for Jesus or naked+pics+Jenna+Jameson?"
In a recent interview with ARN&R the J-man rapped with me about why he thinks spamming is so wrong. ?I'm just pissed that those dickweeds used my name for posting that garbage. You'd think they could get a real job," he thundered. "I wish I could sit around in a trailer all day posting musings about religion, but some of us have to work for a living!"
Apparently the King of Kings isn?t the only one angry as The WebAlias Network recently suspended the ?jesus-animation? because of ?spamming activities by its owner. Jesus commented, "That's great, now I'm a web cartoon. At least Fritz the Cat was on film."
--FMB
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Collegiate Coaster Enthusiast Angered by Campus Policy
With the beautiful weather over the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic regions ushering the opening of the amusement park season, many enthusiasts have finally awoken, left the crack dens that they call home, and stopped checking their favorite news & rumors web sites every three seconds, in order to finally visit their favorite parks. Some -- the adventurous ones -- have even showered.
However, one enthusiast is unable to participate, due to a decision at his university to ban freshmen from having automobiles on campus. “This royally bites,” said Howie Roddick of Skidmark College in Philadelphia. “Now, I can’t go to [Six Flags] Great Adventure. I am just sooo close to getting the fix I need with a ride on the Great American Scream Machine, but those communist pigs don’t have the sense to allow me, and my fellow freshmen, to leave campus! Plus, it's educational! I learn all about...um, physics and stuff.”
When confronted with the fact that Skidmark does not have sufficient parking to accommodate the motor vehicles of its 1,500 undergraduate students, as well as its 375 faculty members, Roddick simply scoffed. “Come on, if I don’t like the fact that they’re showing third-run movies every month in the student center, I should be allowed the opportunity to leave campus and visit Great Adventure, where I can pay an exorbitant fee for parking my car in the hot sun, pay fifty bucks for a half-open park, get charged $2.50 for 20 ounces of Coca-Cola, gaze longingly at the inoperative Kingda Ka, and wade through untreated sewage when I use the bathroom! And hey! That teaches me about biology! Please! It’s not like I can do any of that here! If that isn’t an option to me, then why am I paying more than $35,000 to come here?” Roddick added that he is appalled at the college's refusal to provide a personal masseuse and the "shocking" absence of free iPods.
When asked about friends who would also be interested in a trip to Great Adventure that did have a car, Roddick was puzzled. “Friends? What the hell are those?”
--ETB
With the beautiful weather over the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic regions ushering the opening of the amusement park season, many enthusiasts have finally awoken, left the crack dens that they call home, and stopped checking their favorite news & rumors web sites every three seconds, in order to finally visit their favorite parks. Some -- the adventurous ones -- have even showered.
However, one enthusiast is unable to participate, due to a decision at his university to ban freshmen from having automobiles on campus. “This royally bites,” said Howie Roddick of Skidmark College in Philadelphia. “Now, I can’t go to [Six Flags] Great Adventure. I am just sooo close to getting the fix I need with a ride on the Great American Scream Machine, but those communist pigs don’t have the sense to allow me, and my fellow freshmen, to leave campus! Plus, it's educational! I learn all about...um, physics and stuff.”
When confronted with the fact that Skidmark does not have sufficient parking to accommodate the motor vehicles of its 1,500 undergraduate students, as well as its 375 faculty members, Roddick simply scoffed. “Come on, if I don’t like the fact that they’re showing third-run movies every month in the student center, I should be allowed the opportunity to leave campus and visit Great Adventure, where I can pay an exorbitant fee for parking my car in the hot sun, pay fifty bucks for a half-open park, get charged $2.50 for 20 ounces of Coca-Cola, gaze longingly at the inoperative Kingda Ka, and wade through untreated sewage when I use the bathroom! And hey! That teaches me about biology! Please! It’s not like I can do any of that here! If that isn’t an option to me, then why am I paying more than $35,000 to come here?” Roddick added that he is appalled at the college's refusal to provide a personal masseuse and the "shocking" absence of free iPods.
When asked about friends who would also be interested in a trip to Great Adventure that did have a car, Roddick was puzzled. “Friends? What the hell are those?”
--ETB
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Site O' the Weak Super Featherweight Championship of the World
We had an absolute doozy of a Site O' the Weak lined up this week. We really did. And then, much to our dismay, it vanished. Either the site is down for maintenance or the webmaster had a sudden realization, in the nick of time, that leaving it up would be a good way to ensure mockery of a level that would ensure nervous bed-wetting for the next decade. Or, possibly, the internet itself, finally at its wit's end, devoured it alive out of spite.
All was not lost, however, as we were easily able to locate several threads terrible enough to be worthy SOW nominees. But then a new problem arose...which one to use? They all seemed equally awful! How could we choose just one? Our solution: a battle royal. The losers will be rewarded with shame. The victor will gain the people's ovation, and fame forever. And also shame.
Contender #1: Hailing from Matt's Carnival Warehouse, we have "Strangest BEEF On The Midway." The solidly asinine quality of the entire thread makes it a major player already, but it's the garish colors, stupid homophobic comments, and utter refusal of most of the participants to make use of either the Caps Lock function or punctuation of any sort that help make it something special. And having our boy Boils involved is pure gravy.
Contender #2: Calling Ultimate Rollercoaster home, our second warrior is "your wrong," where some guy with minimal grammatical skills drops in to inform URC that their information about Shivering Timbers is incorrect. We don't know if this person actually works at Michigan's Adventure, but we are "deffinatly" sure that he needs to pay better attention in his second-grade English class. If one is to be a nitpicking loser online, one really must at least convey one's dumb thoughts clearly, don't you think?
Contender #3: One of the world's perennial top challengers for a coveted title belt is "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" The good news is that some of the discussion in this thread is actually being carried out by intelligent people who have the capability to express themselves in complete sentences. Unfortunately, there's also plenty that goes wrong in this thread on the WDWMagic.com Forums. First of all, there are plenty of spelling, grammar, and comprehensibility abominations, including but hardly limited to:
...if you continue to smoke looking like a young women will quicky fad away...
I USED to be totally discusted with the habit, but now in my somewhat older age, I am used to it, and realized it is a person's individual choice to take up the habbit.
You should be pround of yourself if you as me...
More worrisome than this, however, is the creepy, robotic, fake, smiley, brainwashed, cult-member quality these Disney fans seem to have. In addition to some of them having disturbing names like "Dwarful" and "WannabeBelle," it seems like every other post ends with some weird, Stepford-infused horseshit that clearly indicates that these people have been either lobotomized or perhaps even colonized by parasitic aliens. Cases in point: "[i]f more people focused on their family vacation and worried less about who was smoking, pushing big kids in strollers or possible misuse of wheelchairs then the Magic Kingdom (and all of WDW) could be more magical for everyone!" and "[h]opefully the rest of your time was still magical!" Yikes.
Contender #4: The dark horse in the championship bout is GAInsider's "New Name for Kingda Ka?" Although shorter than the other competitors, this one really packs the guffaws into a small space. It's already funny enough when someone thinks our site is actually real (this happens all too frequently, as longer readers are well aware), but it's even funnier when another forum participant quotes some of the most ridiculous statements from the article ("three-hundred-foot jets of butt gravy...") in an effort to assist his slightly dense colleague in recognizing satire. And the maraschino cherry topping this rich, wondrously sweet chocolate sundae of a topic is the third poster's dismissal of ARN&R: "Most of the stuff on that site is false."
Most?!?!?!?!
The Battle Royal: Although each of the other competitors puts up a stiff challenge in the categories of Bad Grammar, Crushing Will to Live, Stupidity, and Waste of Time, the WDWMAgic.com posters manage to stay close enough in those categories while crushing the opposition utterly in the pivotal Freaks and Obedient Fawning Corporate Lap Dog categories, leading to a narrow and well-deserved victory. The championship belt and SOW go to "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" Its suckiness reigns supreme.
The first title defense is scheduled for next week.
--JCK
We had an absolute doozy of a Site O' the Weak lined up this week. We really did. And then, much to our dismay, it vanished. Either the site is down for maintenance or the webmaster had a sudden realization, in the nick of time, that leaving it up would be a good way to ensure mockery of a level that would ensure nervous bed-wetting for the next decade. Or, possibly, the internet itself, finally at its wit's end, devoured it alive out of spite.
All was not lost, however, as we were easily able to locate several threads terrible enough to be worthy SOW nominees. But then a new problem arose...which one to use? They all seemed equally awful! How could we choose just one? Our solution: a battle royal. The losers will be rewarded with shame. The victor will gain the people's ovation, and fame forever. And also shame.
Contender #1: Hailing from Matt's Carnival Warehouse, we have "Strangest BEEF On The Midway." The solidly asinine quality of the entire thread makes it a major player already, but it's the garish colors, stupid homophobic comments, and utter refusal of most of the participants to make use of either the Caps Lock function or punctuation of any sort that help make it something special. And having our boy Boils involved is pure gravy.
Contender #2: Calling Ultimate Rollercoaster home, our second warrior is "your wrong," where some guy with minimal grammatical skills drops in to inform URC that their information about Shivering Timbers is incorrect. We don't know if this person actually works at Michigan's Adventure, but we are "deffinatly" sure that he needs to pay better attention in his second-grade English class. If one is to be a nitpicking loser online, one really must at least convey one's dumb thoughts clearly, don't you think?
Contender #3: One of the world's perennial top challengers for a coveted title belt is "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" The good news is that some of the discussion in this thread is actually being carried out by intelligent people who have the capability to express themselves in complete sentences. Unfortunately, there's also plenty that goes wrong in this thread on the WDWMagic.com Forums. First of all, there are plenty of spelling, grammar, and comprehensibility abominations, including but hardly limited to:
...if you continue to smoke looking like a young women will quicky fad away...
I USED to be totally discusted with the habit, but now in my somewhat older age, I am used to it, and realized it is a person's individual choice to take up the habbit.
You should be pround of yourself if you as me...
More worrisome than this, however, is the creepy, robotic, fake, smiley, brainwashed, cult-member quality these Disney fans seem to have. In addition to some of them having disturbing names like "Dwarful" and "WannabeBelle," it seems like every other post ends with some weird, Stepford-infused horseshit that clearly indicates that these people have been either lobotomized or perhaps even colonized by parasitic aliens. Cases in point: "[i]f more people focused on their family vacation and worried less about who was smoking, pushing big kids in strollers or possible misuse of wheelchairs then the Magic Kingdom (and all of WDW) could be more magical for everyone!" and "[h]opefully the rest of your time was still magical!" Yikes.
Contender #4: The dark horse in the championship bout is GAInsider's "New Name for Kingda Ka?" Although shorter than the other competitors, this one really packs the guffaws into a small space. It's already funny enough when someone thinks our site is actually real (this happens all too frequently, as longer readers are well aware), but it's even funnier when another forum participant quotes some of the most ridiculous statements from the article ("three-hundred-foot jets of butt gravy...") in an effort to assist his slightly dense colleague in recognizing satire. And the maraschino cherry topping this rich, wondrously sweet chocolate sundae of a topic is the third poster's dismissal of ARN&R: "Most of the stuff on that site is false."
Most?!?!?!?!
The Battle Royal: Although each of the other competitors puts up a stiff challenge in the categories of Bad Grammar, Crushing Will to Live, Stupidity, and Waste of Time, the WDWMAgic.com posters manage to stay close enough in those categories while crushing the opposition utterly in the pivotal Freaks and Obedient Fawning Corporate Lap Dog categories, leading to a narrow and well-deserved victory. The championship belt and SOW go to "I Am A Considerate Smoker Tired Of Getting Ragged On By Nonsmokers!!" Its suckiness reigns supreme.
The first title defense is scheduled for next week.
--JCK
Monday, April 18, 2005
Aren't You Boycotting Us Yet?
If you weren't already boycotting us, we certainly hope you consider doing so again in our time of need. Please follow this link to "The new ARN&R Boycott for truth in reporting" thread at Ultimate Rollercoaster, and we feel quite certain that you will be shocked and horrified enough that you will never again visit ARN&R.
A few comments about this latest update to the fight against ARN&R:
-What do they mean by "[s]ome of those initials are in your mist?" It sounds moist and icky.
-The chicken and burger-rubbing fantasy is...er...uh...arousing?
-We appreciate the kind words, Pete_C...but reference your second question for clarification.
Hey, wait a minute! Why are you people still reading this? Go away! Boycott us now before it's too late! And if not for you, do it for the children.
--JCK
If you weren't already boycotting us, we certainly hope you consider doing so again in our time of need. Please follow this link to "The new ARN&R Boycott for truth in reporting" thread at Ultimate Rollercoaster, and we feel quite certain that you will be shocked and horrified enough that you will never again visit ARN&R.
A few comments about this latest update to the fight against ARN&R:
-What do they mean by "[s]ome of those initials are in your mist?" It sounds moist and icky.
-The chicken and burger-rubbing fantasy is...er...uh...arousing?
-We appreciate the kind words, Pete_C...but reference your second question for clarification.
Hey, wait a minute! Why are you people still reading this? Go away! Boycott us now before it's too late! And if not for you, do it for the children.
--JCK
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