ConeyCon Tomorrow! (Or Today, if You're Reading This Sunday)

Just a reminder that 1st annual ARN&R ConeyCon will be tomorrow, rain or shine. It's either $10.99 or $12.99 for POP at Astroland from Noon to 4:00 p.m. and we've already bought the tickets so get your soggy ass there even if it rains. If it truly downpours all day (unlikely), then we are still meeting and everyone can expect to have fun anyway on our "ye olde historical bar-hopping tour" where we will curse the fact that nothing we are looking at in Coney will be around next year.

Now, on to more serious matters. It has come to our attention that there has been some confusion, and even controversy, over the ARN&R Code of Conduct, which will be strictly enforced at all present and future events. So, here are the rules again for clarification:

• All attendees at any event are required to wear strict business attire. Suits with tie. All women must keep their faces covered in the traditional burkha. Guys, this is a really simple rule and the reasoning for it speaks for itself. If you can't follow it, JUST DON'T COME!!!
  
  
• When encountering an actual writer for ARN&R, please treat them like you would any senior member of ACE: genuflect and offer them money, or your first born children. Don't worry, unlike the senior ACE board, they normally decline.
  
  
• Wearing t-shirts that say "Paul Ruben is a giant tool" is SO 2004. "Paul Ruben is a media whore" is the new 2005 shirt. Please get it right.
  
  
• Anyone who rides the Breakdance, the Top Spin 2, or the Zipper right after Nathan's deserves what they get.
  
  
• When dealing with the media (who will inevitably be present (SIGH!)), please remember to never, ever, threaten to assassinate a sitting president. Instead, ARN&R recommends that you may want to threaten a living ex-president instead.
  
  
• Finally, and most importantly, remember that this is all about -- HAVING FUN. That's why we have SO MANY RULES.
  

See you tomorrow!

--MOS

Enthusiasts Placing Wagers on Kingda Ka Break-In Problems Normal Everyday Occurrences

As the continually pushed-back opening date for Kingda Ka at Six Flags Great Adventure nears and is pushed back again, engineering experts (aka coaster enthusiasts) have been eagerly discussing the ride. Experts at CoasterBuzz, a popular online advertising website that reportedly still has coaster discussions on it, have been engaging in heated debates about what to expect from Kingda Ka during its first 3 years of operation. This early period is commonly referred to as the Break-In Period or Catastrophic Failure is Normal and Intamin is NOT at Fault for Unknown Factors Like Large Riders, Slight Winds, Engineering Flaws, and Unsecured Train Theming (CFNINFUFLLRSWEFUTT). The debate has become so intense that some casinos in Las Vegas have begun setting odds and taking wagers about which events will occur.

Vegas oddsmakers have been hard at work coming up with proxy bets of what will happen first during the normal CFNINFUFLLRSWEFUTT time.

Possible wagers, and their odds as of today, include:

• 6:7 - Rollbacks outnumber successful launches
  
• 2:1 - Cable fray injuring riders with hot shards of greasy metal
  
• 9:5 - Extra structural reinforcement needed within the first year
  
• 4:1 - Cable break
  
• 6:1 - Track break
  
• 15:1 - Wheel falls off
  
• 4:1 - Someone will be caught peeing on the ride and forever memorialized in T-Shirt form
  
• 8:1 - Train dispatched when transfer track not in place
  
• 2:1 - Large rider/average ACE member falling out of train at end of brake run, train speed 5 mph
  
• 18:1 - Seat flies off
  
• 25:1 - Train flies off
  
• 3:1 - Hydraulic lines burst, covering surrounding area in minty-fresh hydraulic fluid
  
• 24:1 - Tower collapse, partial
  
• 35:1 - Tower collapse, full
  
• Even - Top Thrill Dragster’s Lost Tire launched into orbit in 2003 finally returning to earth in a fiery re-entry only to land on Paul Ruben as he is declaring Kingda Ka the best coaster on the planet
  

In other news, Intamin is also in the running for Outstanding Achievement in Dull Train Design. A previous winner for the unstylish box with hyper seats bolted on wooden coaster trains, Intamin is facing stiff competition from Vekoma’s new Expedition Everest trains which managed to even make the boiler in the back look uninteresting, and upstart S&S’s entry for Powder Keg trains which could be the dark horse with a Time To Crate of 0.001 seconds.

Stay tuned for more coverage of Kingda Katastrophy 2005, as well as live web cam coverage of the 2005 coaster awards from JCK’s basement.

--NDS

Tacky Wedding Contest Winners Revealed

Back in January, Better Weddings and Receptions magazine ran a survey to determine its Tackiest Wedding Ever contest winner. For the past several months, readers of the popular magazine have sent their responses in, and a champion is ready to be crowned. ARN&R will divulge the winner momentarily, but first, as a recap, we present the original Better Weddings and Receptions descriptions of the five finalists.

1) Tom and Katie host an outdoor wedding in North Carolina. The wedding ceremony is held at a location up in the mountains that has no running water, meaning that all wedding party members and the guests are forced to use an outhouse. Additionally, the groom admits during the ceremony that he purchased his bride's ring on layaway, so he expects he'll have it "pretty soon."

2) Brad and Angelina wisely decide on an outdoor wedding in Connecticut in early April, meaning that the temperature is a highly surprising 52 degrees Fahrenheit, with rain. The ceremony, hosted by a Justice of the Peace named "Vinnie," interrupts the heavy pre-wedding drinking of the entire wedding party, the majority (but not the entirety) of whom are convinced to at least put their drinks on the ground during the actual vows. Fortunately, the ceremony itself lasts only about a minute, so the bride is still able to down the rest of her screwdriver (her sixth) before any pesky ice melts and dilutes it.

3) Charles and Camilla have a coaster wedding. The wedding party members, including some relatives too old to walk without assistance, are strapped into Kraken. At some point during the ride, the minister conducts a ceremony that only the bride, groom, and best man can hear. After dismounting the ride, allowing paying customers back on it, the wedding party adjourns to the classy Shamu's Playhouse picnic area to shove cake in each others' faces and announce their decision to name their first child "Gwazi," regardless of the baby's gender.

4) Ben and Jennifer have their reception at a wedding factory, where wedding party members are announced NBA-style, complete with thumping booty music, strobe lights, and smoke. The bride and groom themselves are announced to the Rocky theme, whereupon they run into the reception room holding their hands up like someone anointed them champs, and then mock-box each other for their first dance. Wedding presents are opened at the wedding reception.

5) Kevin and Britney get hitched. During their ceremony, the bride and groom surprisingly unleash a duet of Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light upon the guests. After this unusual maneuver, and following a great deal of hooting and cat-calling from the guests when they are asked if anyone has just cause to protest the wedding, the groom manages to up the class of the event even more by announcing, when told to kiss the bride, "we'll be with you in a minute." Reception follows in "Forge Room," which is filled with anvils and stuffed moose heads. More hooting and cat-calling follows, but, sadly, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad and I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) do not.

The results of the survey, listed below as the percentage of the magazine's readership who voted for each entry as the Tackiest Wedding Ever, are quite interesting:

1) Meatloaf wedding (41%)
2) Outhouse wedding (40%)
3) Drunk wedding (11%)
4) NBA wedding (6%)
5) Coaster wedding (2%)

The narrow victory for Meatloaf over outhouses made for mildly compelling theater, but the most important story has to be the lack of votes for the coaster wedding. Apparently, when placed alongside these other trashfests, getting hitched on a coaster comes out looking pretty classy. This is certainly good news for coaster enthusiasts everywhere.

The three or four who managed to take a girl on a date last year, anyway.

--JCK

Correction

ARN&R lovingly corrects errors. Indeed, it thrills us more than it likely should to correct errors.

It has come to our attention that this week's Site O' The Weak is not, in point of fact, a source of "warmed-over press releases." Rather, that function is achieved by ITPS's daily news e-mail. The ITPS blog is, rather, strictly a source for questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar. And that horrible, horrible yellow.

ARN&R regrets the error, and will engage in even more self-flagellation than usual.

Severe Eye Hazard! Be Alert!

We have many gallons of horrible websites to which your attention will be directed in the coming weeks, but today, one jumped to the front of the line.

It's not the content, though we question the need for another source to see warmed-over press releases and questionable-to-terrible spelling and grammar ("Real TV with emotion , not the muck you see today like Fear Factor, andThe Batchelor, Batchelorette,Etc."). But it's that yellow.

That. Yellow.

That yellow that burns into your eyes, into your brain, into your very soul. How, if there is a just God, can there be HTML coding to permit such a yellow?

Please, make it stop.

But until it stops, or at least until next week, International Theme Park Services' new Blog will be our Site O' The Weak.

Enthusiast Discovers Bitching and Moaning Online Far More Fun Than Actually Visiting Parks

Maryland enthusiast Tom Randall couldn't wait for the amusement park season to start again. He had planned the path he would follow at each of the area parks that were opening, he had timed his visit to Busch Gardens Williamsburg to coincide with the opening of DorKastle, and he had purchased a digital camera to document every part of every visit. He'd even gotten the inside scoop on a new bathroom at Six Flags America, and he was positive he'd have the first high-resolution photographs of it on the web.

And then the season actually started.

"It was weird," said Randall in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Once I got to Kings Dominion, all I could think of was how much more fun I'd be having posting on ThrillNetwork. They allow those awesome forum games, like 'Insult the person above you,' and I also have been having a lot of fun arguing about whether the Hades banked curve is 90 degrees or 91 degrees. That's good living. Actually being at the park? Ennnhh."

Undeterred, Randall visited both Six Flags America and Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and somehow found standing in line for hours for coasters he'd ridden dozens of times before to be not entirely fulfilling.

At press time, Randall had canceled a planned six-state tour of amusement parks and put the money into a high-speed internet connection. He has joined four new web forums and was, at last report, in a fiery debate about whether Valleyfair! or Worlds of Fun would be next receiving a B&M inverted coaster. (ARN&R sources indicate that each will in fact receive a used dunk tank.)

Such an Amazing Place, You Can't Comprehend Its Glory

That pretty much sums up the Coaster Crew website. Although it's supposedly a coaster club, it looks more like a project for a special ed website creation class. Much amusement can be gained from perusing the entire Coaster Crew site, but this could also cause potentially damaging brain spasms. With that in mind, let us helpfully direct you to some highlights:

-Although spelling and grammar abominations can be found on nearly every page of the entire site, this one, featuring the timeless beauty of comments like "[i]f you are asking your self why then you are not aloud to come on this trip," is particularly noteworthy.

-No coaster enthusiast website would be complete without a photo section highlighting The Beautiful People who populate the group. Especially when The Beautiful People are floundering around in a pitiful attempt to get out of a very small pool or rubbing their groins on other people.

-If you'd like, you can join the Coaster Crew. For the low cost of ten dollars, you, too, can spell poorly and participate in really stupid forum topics. Try not to think about what it will mean to the future health of your bodily orifices when you think about the site's statement that "[y]ou can unlock a hole new world of coaster riding when you join the Coaster Crew."

-If you are a major park chain, and have tired of naming your rides after stupid park mascots or just calling them all "Viper" or "Boomerang," be sure to check out the handy Ride Naming Chart provided by the Coaster Crew.

In summary, the website sucks, Which means it's perfect for Site O' the Weak honors.

-JCK/BCR

[Editor's Note: Rumors that the Coaster Crew would soon be merging with Team Woo are unconfirmed at this time.]

New Wavers Getting Aggressive

As reported by Amusement Business, a group of jockeys was injured by Flock of Seagulls during a race in Melbourne at the end of March. After a planet-wide manhunt, the last fugitive member of the band, drummer Albert Cruz, was finally captured by authorities in New Jersey today.

Although the general population can rest more easily tonight knowing that these dangerous criminals are off the streets, many people are asking the same question: do these jeans make me look fat? Some of them are also wondering why this group of washed-up almost musicians would attack jockeys, particularly in so public a setting as an actual race.

According to Flock of Seagulls lead singer Michael Score, it was the county fair's fault. Or, actually, the fault of all fairs. "We just snapped," he told ARN&R. "Our world tour just took us to a few too many local fairs and farmer's markets. Aside from the pig squeals and donkey brayings drowning out our beautiful music and ruining the experience for the multitudes of our slavishly devoted fans in attendance at these fairs, we were assaulted constantly by the smell of vomit emanating from the exit ramp of the Gravitron and the Zipper. What can I say? We lost it. And, like everyone else probably does when they are pushed too far, we decided to attack some jockeys. It's an unfortunate, but perfectly normal, reaction to stress."

Score told ARN&R that Flock of Seagulls intends to vigorously fight any legal action brought against them by the jockeys or the organizers of the horse race they ruined. He also added that, barring jail time, the band would soon be taking a break from performing at weddings and bar mitzvahs and would be entering the studio to produce a new album filled with "darker, more introspective acoustic material."

--JCK

Jesus Apologizes For Spam

One-third of the Holy Trinity recently issued a press statement apologizing for spamming groups like rec.roller-coaster. It began, "Yo peeps. Sorry about some of my misguided members dropping the spam on the newsgroups. I have already banished them to an eternity of being Satan's Special Little Helper."

The posts, often rambling and backwoods in nature, act like they care. Some, such as this one utilize the short paragraph style popularized by USA Today for fourth-graders and those living in Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky and Tennessee.

While all of the posts have the same content, they feature many different titles, from "Good morning or good evening depending upon your location. I want to ask you the most important question of your life. Your joy or sorrow for all eternity depends upon your answer. The question is: Are you saved? It is not a question of how good you are, nor if you are a church member, but are you saved? Are you sure you will go to Heaven when you die?" to "Are you looking for Jesus or naked+pics+Jenna+Jameson?"

In a recent interview with ARN&R the J-man rapped with me about why he thinks spamming is so wrong. ?I'm just pissed that those dickweeds used my name for posting that garbage. You'd think they could get a real job," he thundered. "I wish I could sit around in a trailer all day posting musings about religion, but some of us have to work for a living!"

Apparently the King of Kings isn?t the only one angry as The WebAlias Network recently suspended the ?jesus-animation? because of ?spamming activities by its owner. Jesus commented, "That's great, now I'm a web cartoon. At least Fritz the Cat was on film."

--FMB

Collegiate Coaster Enthusiast Angered by Campus Policy

With the beautiful weather over the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic regions ushering the opening of the amusement park season, many enthusiasts have finally awoken, left the crack dens that they call home, and stopped checking their favorite news & rumors web sites every three seconds, in order to finally visit their favorite parks. Some -- the adventurous ones -- have even showered.

However, one enthusiast is unable to participate, due to a decision at his university to ban freshmen from having automobiles on campus. “This royally bites,” said Howie Roddick of Skidmark College in Philadelphia. “Now, I can’t go to [Six Flags] Great Adventure. I am just sooo close to getting the fix I need with a ride on the Great American Scream Machine, but those communist pigs don’t have the sense to allow me, and my fellow freshmen, to leave campus! Plus, it's educational! I learn all about...um, physics and stuff.”

When confronted with the fact that Skidmark does not have sufficient parking to accommodate the motor vehicles of its 1,500 undergraduate students, as well as its 375 faculty members, Roddick simply scoffed. “Come on, if I don’t like the fact that they’re showing third-run movies every month in the student center, I should be allowed the opportunity to leave campus and visit Great Adventure, where I can pay an exorbitant fee for parking my car in the hot sun, pay fifty bucks for a half-open park, get charged $2.50 for 20 ounces of Coca-Cola, gaze longingly at the inoperative Kingda Ka, and wade through untreated sewage when I use the bathroom! And hey! That teaches me about biology! Please! It’s not like I can do any of that here! If that isn’t an option to me, then why am I paying more than $35,000 to come here?” Roddick added that he is appalled at the college's refusal to provide a personal masseuse and the "shocking" absence of free iPods.

When asked about friends who would also be interested in a trip to Great Adventure that did have a car, Roddick was puzzled. “Friends? What the hell are those?”

--ETB