Guy Way Too Into Old Amusement Park Trash Cans

According to witnesses, a recent visitor to Denver's Lakeside Amusement Park was way too into old amusement park trash cans. Mark Magaziner, a resident of nearby Littleton, Colorado, stated that the guy talked for an amazingly long time about how Lakeside's trash cans were "so much cooler than Elitch's," raving about the "attention to detail" and "amazing paintings on the side."

"It was the weirdest damn thing I've ever seen," said Magaziner. "I mean, come on. They're trash cans. Lakeside's are older because the park is older and they just don't really replace stuff here. And the paintings on the cans were clearly done by stoned seventeen-year-olds in about 1967. Have you seen the urinals here? They're probably fifty years old. I suppose there's some guy who's really into old amusement park urinals, too."

The trash can afficionado was identified by long-time park employees as Jon DeGagne, a visitor from Toronto, Canada, who visits the park every year (on what he calls his "pilgrimage"). "Yep, that's Jon," said Elaine French, who has been taking tickets at the park for fifteen years. "He comes, pays his two-dollar general admission, buys one soda, and spends five hours just looking at the trash cans. Occasionally we've found him, um, caressing them, and we had to ask him to stop. He was scaring the kids."

DeGagne, reached by e-mail through his website, www.oldamusementparktrashcans.com, offered ARN&R a complimentary subscription to his newsletter, "Without Trash Cans, Parks Stink!," a print quarterly with what DeGagne described as "a lot more than ten subscribers." He also emphasized that, while Lakeside has the best North American vintage trash cans, he's saving up for a trip to Japan, which he describes as "old amusement park trash can heaven." "You should see the cans at Nagashima Spaland Mie. I heard they imported them from the great old Rubbish Park outside London, and they still have the original slate on them."

Six Flags Launches "Switch" Ad Campaign

In what is being described as a unique advertising campaign approach, Six Flags has started a national campaign trying to convince Windows users to switch to Six Flags.

The campaign, featuring "ordinary people" against plain white backgrounds, is one of the most aggressive efforts to date to convince users of a particular computer operating system to switch to an amusement park chain, with only Cedar Fair's long-ago "Cedar Point: Way More Fun Than the VIC-20" campaign being similarly extensive.

The first ad, featuring Anne Marie Osbourne of New Orleans, Louisiana, includes her discussion of why she switched. "Windows never provided any thrill to me. Sure, it was a fundamentally acceptable computer operating system, if a little buggy, but I was never able to get it to fling me around in all directions like the flat rides at Jazzland [a Six Flags property] or give me airtime like the Mega Zeph [wooden coaster] there. If Six Flags can provide all that, why can't Microsoft?"

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, when reached for comment, immediately purchased every amusement park in the country not owned by Six Flags, priced each of them at $4 (including an open bar), and prohibited any customer who had visited a Six Flags park after September 23, 2002, from entering his parks. His attorneys denied any anticompetitive intent.

Cedar Fair, Six Flags Work Together Against Gluttony

Terry Schrag of Columbus, Ohio, was surprised to open a letter from Knott's Berry Farm and Six Flags Magic Mountain today containing a bill for $37.51. The statement said that Schrag, 32, ate four times his allotment at the Coaster Con that occurred at both parks earlier this summer. "I don't get this, I paid my registration fee for the Con, and they said 'all you can eat'!" said an exasperated Schrag, "This is ridiculous."

The letter is part of an ongoing joint loss recovery program started by Knott's Berry Farm General Manager Jack Falfas and Six Flags Magic Mountain G.M. Del Holland. "They ate us out of house and home," said Falfas. "It was really frightening," agreed Holland, "We knew some ate a lot, but this was insane. Our maintenance guys were wiping barbecue sauce off the Déjà Vu restraints all morning after E.R.T., and the smell remains to date. And I don't even want to tell you about what we found in the splashdown pool of Perilous Plunge." Falfas added: "Apparently, Schrag failed to note the asterisk next to the "All you can eat" sign, referencing a footnote providing a maximum poundage limit of three pounds of food per person per meal."

The collaboration marks the first time the two parks have been involved in litigation together against a common client. Schrag was targeted first because he was seen as one of the Con's worst food offenders. "The crew on the Ghostrider caught him eating a thigh and drumstick as the train ascended the lift. Not only were these potential problems for the coaster’s undercarriage, the grease flying off his jowls hit many riders in the eye," noted Falfas. He further observed that the park, when hosting a Con, typically has to buy as much food for 300 people as they do for an ordinary 1000-person corporate event, "with an even more disproportionate amount of Dippin' Dots. They love that stuff."

Schrag, a computer programmer, is not only offended that he has to pay more, but says that what he describes as a "ridiculously tiny" amount of food provided only adds insult to injury. "When gamers visit my booth at trade shows, I always have something for them to eat --- a moon pie, some Corn Nuts or a bag of Oreos. It is important your customer never go away hungry."

Falfas and Holland feel the parks have a solid case. Looking confident, Falfas shared the parks' key piece of evidence: "After the Con we were short a week's worth of chicken. But this will make up for it. The guy is shown on video shoveling potato salad in his mouth on the way up Supreme Scream. What jury would find him innocent?"

IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com To Launch

The "definative [sic] source for all things coasters," IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com is scheduled to launch on Monday, September 23. Featuring what its creator, Michael Callahan, calls a "unique combination of pictures, rumors, top-ten lists, and forums," industry analysts stated that it holds the distinction of being the ten thousandth web site to claim to be definitive, and the four thousandth coaster-oriented site to spell "definitive" incorrectly. Additionally, it is believed to be bring the total count of sites stealing Joyrides.com's copyrighted images up to five hundred, a new record.

Callahan says he knew there was a void in the online coaster community. "Sure, other sites have some of the things that IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com has, but there's not one that has them all -- pictures, rumors, top-ten lists, and forums." When shown that, in fact, dozens of sites have precisely the same combination of materials, Callahan responded, "Well, yeah. But none of them have as cool a name. And I've got free IntenseScreamingThrillUltimateCoasterRideForceBuzz.com e-mail addresses. Everyone's gonna want one of those."

Callahan's last web venture, SuperWackVanillaIceRulesSite.com, launched on January 1, 1997, after a particularly long night of drinking, and was last updated on January 5, 1997.

Enthusiast Hopes Hypersonic T-Shirt Gives Girl Ideas

Joel Gotto, a fifteen-year-old coaster enthusiast from Boise, Idaho, visited Paramount's Kings Dominion in Richmond, Virginia, home of S&S Power's Hypersonic: XLC, as part of his high school choir tour. He loved the ride, but more, he loved the t-shirt, which he readily admits he hopes gives ideas to Claire Barkley, a popular junior at his school.

"I don't want to say much, but...you know. It's quite a coaster, and it's sure to put some thoughts into Claire's head," said Gotto in an interview with ARN&R. "And I'll be there, smiling, right above the picture." Hypersonic, an S&S Power-designed coaster, is known generically as a Thrust Air 2000, a fact Gotto intends to casually drop into conversation with Barkley, with a subtle emphasis on "thrust." If the conversation naturally turns to it, he also plans to discuss the erotic characteristics of stand-up coasters' restraints.

Holiday World's "Professional Assistant Day Village" to Open in 2003

Holiday World, located in Santa Claus, Indiana, announced a major expansion today, adding to its themed holiday sections including areas for Christmas, Halloween, and the Fourth of July. This time, it's Professional Assistant Day, the holiday previously known as Secretaries Day.

Holiday World announced that the themed section will feature bumper cars designed to look like desks, but other attractions have not yet been determined. "With the other sections, it was pretty easy to come up with ideas -- you know, Christmas with the reindeer, Halloween with the Sleepy Hollow thing, and patriotic stuff for the Fourth of July. For Professional Assistant Day, it's trickier. What, put a flat ride inside a giant pencil sharpener or something? But we'll figure something out, and our so-friendly-they-must-be-drugged employees will be there too!" said Paula Werne, spokeswoman for Holiday World. "Hey, maybe a giant slide where the bags look like envelopes! Or a Whack-a-Mole themed to knocking bosses on their heads!"

Six Flags Astroworld to Receive Another Crappy Used Coaster

In a press release issued on Saturday, Six Flags announced that Six Flags Astroworld will get "another crappy used coaster" next season:

"Six Flags Parks Inc. is pleased to announce that Six Flags Astroworld will receive a Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster for 2003, a genuinely boring and painful coaster that's been passed around from park to park like a bucket full of bat guano dipped in cat pee. Our valued Houston guests will get to stand in line for up to two hours at a time for the not-even-remotely-unique experience of having their heads smacked back and forth like they moved in on Mike Tyson's special friend in prison. This piece of crap has abused guests at two Six Flags parks in the past, and we're happy to dump it on Six Flags Astroworld!"

ARN&R contacted Six Flags Media Relations to point out that Six Flags Astroworld already has a Vekoma SLC, to which the spokesman commented, "What, another coaster's not good enough for them? Screw 'em, then. They can have that or another Batman stunt show with actors who couldn't cut it on the Home Shopping Network. What, they're going to go to that other major theme park in Houston?"

Halloween Event Goes Over Poorly at Sesame Place

Sesame Place, the Sesame Street-themed park aimed at young children, thought they'd give a shot at creating some October revenue through a Halloween event, as so many parks have done. And what seemed to do the best at most parks was the goriest, scariest events possible. So they came up with "Sesame Street Friends Go To the Doctor," with depictions of bizarre experiments being performed on favorite Sesame Street characters. The park had no marketing money left over for the year for TV advertising, so the park relied on in-park signs -- signs that did not indicate that the attraction was Halloween-oriented, to increase visitors' suspense at what awaited them.

To the surprise of park management, virtually every child came out of the attraction weeping, with fully a third of the parents (most of whom were splattered with fake Big Bird blood from the bird's lobotomy scene) threatening lawsuits seeking funds for what most call inevitable years of therapy.

"It's all just in fun!" said Jane Wiggins, park manager, who came up with the idea. "What kind of three-year-old can't handle a little Cookie Monster kidney removal with power tools and no anesthetic? Wussies."

Another Beautiful Afternoon Wasted Reading Rumor Sites

James Bardi, a coaster enthusiast in suburban Washington, D.C., wasted another beautiful afternoon constantly surfing through the dozen coaster rumor sites he checks obsessively. "Someone's gotta have new pictures of the vertical construction at Cedar Point!" Bardi muttered on his seventeenth visit to CoasterBuzz. During the four hours he spent in his windowless office, the average temperature outside was 79, the sun was shining, and a light breeze was blowing.

Bardi has previously ruined Thanksgiving with his family when looking for news about Six Flags Magic Mountain's progress on "X," and caused the breakup of a promising relationship when he interrupted a Valentine's Day dinner to check his e-mail four times on his Palm VII, hoping for an update on a rumored new coaster at Paramount's Kings Dominion, Bardi's home park.

Six Flags Working On Prototype "Parking Lot" Themed Coaster

More and more, amusement parks are considering the surroundings of roller coasters as critical to their long-term success. From Lake Compounce's Boulder Dash to the proposed Ravine Flyer II at Waldameer Park to the Beast at Paramount's Kings Island, the focus thus far has been putting coasters in close proximity to nature.

ARN&R can exclusively report that Six Flags is working on a new ride concept, though it might more accurately be described a reworking of an old concept: dropping a coaster into a corner of a parking lot, throwing a haphazard chainlink fence up around it, and making no effort to landscape or make the area look like anything other than a converted parking lot. But now, the generic name for this concept will be "Urban Chic: The Coaster."

Initial reports indicate that this project explains the park chain's recent announcement that Shockwave at Six Flags Great America would be shut down. Rather than being removed, Shockwave will in fact be renamed "Abandoned Lot: The Concrete Coaster" for the 2003 season. To add to the ambience, Six Flags intends to place abandoned cars, a check-cashing facility, and a methadone clinic in the parking lot below the coaster, and -- in yet another innovation -- add the overpowering odor of urine to the entire queue line.