Lower Quarterly Results Blamed On Really Good Rockford Files Episodes on TV Land

Paramount Parks, trying to explain lower attendance at its regional theme parks in the past quarter, didn't blame most of the standard targets -- inclement weather, the lingering effects of 9/11, and so on. Instead, it attributed the drop to a really good stretch of Rockford Files episodes on TV Land.

"It's the darndest thing," said chain CFO Brian Marvin on an analysts' conference call. "Just as the summer was reaching the stretch where we usually do best, we noticed a drop. And our employees were coming in tired, too. Then we figured it out: TV Land is showing The Rockford Files after midnight, and this summer they were showing episodes from the height of the show's oeuvre. Like, the other night, Rockford ended up in New Jersey -- man oh man, was he out of place there. And then there was that one where he disguised himself as a coffin salesman -- that was a classic!"

Marvin then started giggling and humming the show's theme song and refused to stop, ignoring all further questions.

"Dee doo do-do-do, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee doo-doo..."

German Exchange Student Not At All At Home In Oktoberfest Section of Busch Gardens

Jakob Schmidt, a German exchange student staying with a family in suburban Washington, D.C., was reported to feel "not at all at home" in the Oktoberfest section of Busch Gardens Williamsburg.

His host family, the Gardners of Rockville, Maryland, had brought him there "for a little taste of the old country," says Dave Gardner, the student's "host dad." "We figured he probably missed the liederhosen and sausages-on-a-stick that are known to be so popular in Germany, and Busch Gardens does a heck of a job with the theming, so we packed up the family and headed down for a surprise weekend," said Gardner, who has never been overseas nor more than 300 miles from home. "But we got there and walked into the German-themed section, and you could see the disappointment on his face. I guess he was hoping for more black turtlenecks and techno dancing or something. I thought he'd be into the polka dancing a little more."

Schmidt, reached for comment, said it took him a full half-hour to determine that the theme was supposed to evoke Germany. "It is utterly unlike anything I have ever seen in my home country. It's like the park thinks everyone in Germany froze in time starting in about 1875. And hello, serving Bud Light? You'd get your ass kicked in Germany if you served Bud Light."

Cedar Fair Tries to Convince Analysts It Should Trade Higher Based on Its Cool Stock Symbol

Cedar Fair, L.P., a publicly-traded partnership operating close to a dozen amusement parks and water parks, held a special conference call with stock analysts after the markets closed yesterday to emphasize that the symbol for its partnership interests is so cool, the unit price should be increased on that alone.

"It's 'FUN!' Don't you get that?" queried Brian Withers, Cedar Fair spokesman. "F-U-N. It spells 'fun,' what our guests have. Every time you type it into your computer, you'll smile. When you see it go across the ticker, you might even giggle. C'mon, guys, that should be worth at least a buck a share." After the analysts sat in stony silence, Withers spelled out F-U-N with arm motions and sang a short song about the joys of holding stocks with neat abbreviations.

Cedar Fair closed yesterday at 20.85, unchanged for the day. In after-hours trading, however, the stock was up sharply at $23.20, suggesting the call was successful.

Enthusiast Planning to Get Really Into Porn During Offseason

As the amusement park season comes to an end, many enthusiasts start thinking about what to do with their free time during the following six months. Some do crafts, others travel, and still others obsessively visit coaster-oriented sites every 45 minutes hoping for an update on what program the flat rides at their home park will be running.

But Paul Fedder has decided to go in an entirely different direction: pornography.

"I figured, that's something I can obsess about even more disturbingly than I do coasters, it allows me to maintain my hours-at-a-time on the computer I'm already used to, and it'll educate me enough that I'll be a real catch once I enter the dating pool," said the seventeen-year-old Fedder, who says he's "saving himself for college girls."

Fedder has already obtained several false adult identification numbers for access to those sites that require age verification, and used his dad's credit card to obtain over five hundred dollars in PayPal funds for paying for private sites. He says he's still getting the lay of the pornographic land, but thinks that he'll gravitate towards "classic porn, just like I love the classic wooden coasters, going up and down and up and down and up and down..." His voice trailed off.

"I gotta go."

Magic Mountain to Provide Botox Injections In Line

Six Flags Magic Mountain announced yesterday that, in a new cross-promotional deal with a local plastic surgeon, Dr. Harry Thomas, the park will provide a small booth for its guests to receive Botox injections while in line for various major rides. As part of the deal, Dr. Thomas's customers at his traditional practice receive $4 coupons for admission to Six Flags.

"Our guests have always responded well to our lemonade and other in-line merchandising opportunities, and this was just another way to enhance it," said Mary Gallagher, spokeswoman for the park. "Our rides will make you scream, but your face will be entirely serene while you do so!"

If the deal goes well, Dr. Thomas is considering adding breast implants and simple facelifts to the procedures done at his booth, and Six Flags is considering expanding the program to include a full-fledged spa, complete with mud bath and full-body massage.

Launched 4-D Wooden Coaster Joke Getting Really Old

Participants in the AmusementTalk discussion group confirmed today that a member's incessant joking about a "launched 4-D wooden coaster" is really getting on their nerves.

"Sure, the first time LinkinCoaster mentioned it, it was sorta funny. Sorta. But now, any time anyone brings up any rumor of a new coaster going in anywhere -- or even a new flat ride -- he always posts something about how he heard it was going to be a launched 4-D wooden coaster," says a member who goes by CoasterElder. "Sometimes he'll elaborate on it a little bit, saying it'll have a splashdown section, or maybe a loop. But none of it makes it funny."

This is not the first time LinkinCoaster has been ostracized for running a joke into the ground. He has previously posted fifteen times within a four-day period about his claim that Shockwave at Six Flags Great America would be retracked with wooden track and enclosed.

Paramount Parks to Change Cleaning Supply and Services Vendor

In a long-rumored development, Paramount Parks announced in a letter to its season passholders that it would change the vendors for its cleaning supplies and services. Clean-U-Rite of Cleveland, Ohio, is out, and Cleanin' Stuff of Cincinnati is in.

First rumored on Screamscape and hotly debated on CoasterBuzz in a discussion that reportedly became so personal that restraining orders were required, the change is expected to be implemented shortly after the final park closing this year. The loser in the dispute, Clean-U-Rite, insists that the quality of its service will not go down during the final Halloween events: "The fake blood, the slime, and the fog residue will all be gone and the parks spotless. Even if some people in this business don't have class, we do," said Joe Frederick, company spokesman. Frederick then had a coughing fit, during which the phrase "Paramount sucks!" was clearly audible.

Bonfante Gardens To Feature Rita Rudner As In-Park Character

In an endorsement coup, Bonfante Gardens (Gilroy, California) announced today that its 2003 season would open with the near-constant presence of Rita Rudner throughout the park. Rudner, believed to be the most popular actress among amusement park goers of all ages, will both appear in person at autograph sessions and through dozens of local actors wearing eight-foot foam-rubber Rita Rudner costumes, delighting children of all ages.

In connection with the endorsement, Bonfante Gardens will retheme many of its rides, including at least one ride themed after Hollywood Squares and the new coaster, Gleaming the Cube, themed after Rudner's wildly popular 1989 record-breaking smash hit.

Rudner was reportedly in talks with Six Flags to replace the Warner Brothers characters, but Bonfante Gardens, with its $200 million annual offer, won out for her enormous drawing power.

Lakemont: "Screw History, We Want Some Money"

Altoona, Pennsylvania --- Lakemont Park, known largely for reopening the oldest still-operating coaster in the world, Leap the Dips, released a press release today entitled "Screw History, We Want Some Money." The essence of the release is that the park has decided to abandon any pretense of caring about coaster history and will be installing an all new set of rides for the 2003 season.

Reached for comment, Lakemont's spokesperson said, "Yeah, 'Leap the Dips' was great for us. We were able to collect a ton of money from the suckers, I mean enthusiasts, over at ACE. That paid for quite a few parties for the administrative staff, let me tell you. The actual restoration cost about twenty bucks. But here's some news for you -- the ride sucks! It has all the excitement of a new Corey Feldman movie and just about as much commercial potential. Oldest, schmoldest. We're going extreme."

Early plans indicate that the park will install a next-generation coaster from S&S Power as well as at least two Intamin coasters and a full complement of Huss Giant flat rides. The park will be renamed The Edge: The XXXTreme Park. Lumber from tearing down Leap the Dips is expected to be used to build dancing cages framing the new giant stage. The park is said to be in negotations with Kid Rock to open the season, and is expected to be the new regional home of Ozzfest.

Six Flags Pantses Cedar Fair

Reliable sources told ARN&R yesterday that Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. pantsed Cedar Fair Ltd. last Thursday.

"Cedar Fair was just walking along when Six Flags came up behind them and just pantsed them, right in front of IAPPA and Paramount and everybody!" said one witness who declined to be identified. "It was, like, incredible. I don't remember anything like it since all the popular parks got together and TPed Visionland. Cedar Fair is totally not going to live that down, especially the Batman underwear."

A search of news stories indicates that this is the first pantsing in the modern era of amusement parks. As for past amusement park pantsings, some historians believe that Pittsburgh's famed Luna Park once pantsed Playland in Rye, New York, but, given the constricting clothes styles of the time, that has not been confirmed. In any event, there is broad consensus that this represents the first pantsing of an entire amusement park chain.

Cedar Fair, in a press release, noted that Six Flags would have to "watch its back for when the wedgiemaster comes a-callin'."