United Nations Deploys Coaster Enthusiasts to Iraq

The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.

"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."

When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."

President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."

--JCK

Hot Rerun Action

Just to horrify as many people as possible during our slow update period the next couple of weeks, we might as well leave the front page with the most wholesome family value-based article we've churned out recently.

Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity


Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.


“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”


Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”


Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”


Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”


The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.


--JCK

ARN&R On Hiatus, Kind of, Maybe, To a Certain Extent

Attention loyal readers and those who send us hateful missives laden with hysterically awful attempts to make use of our native English tongue! Updates to ARN&R over the next couple of weeks may be infrequent due to the extreme (sorry, Xtrrreeeeemmmmme!) work load being undertaken by both the Supreme Vice Chancellor Overlord of ARN&R Editing Operations and the Chief ARN&R Lieutenant Master Writer Second in Command in the near future. Be assured that we will keep foisting obnoxious articles upon the dismayed American public as much as possible in the upcoming fortnight or so, and will bequeath all of you with an utter onslaught of sassy hijinks at the earliest time we can manage. Thanks for your support and/or hatred.

Er....actually, we lie. We aren't really busy. We've merely been promised extra time in the ARN&R Mansion's hot tub with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba and can't turn it down. See you in a few days if they let us up for air for a few minutes.

Frontier City Adds Mexican Restaurant

Frontier City, the original Premier-owned park, has for many years lagged behind most of the other parks of the Premier and Six Flags chains, both in upkeep and in new rides. That will all change this year with the opening of ErUPtion, which Frontier City calls a “thrilling and unique Mexican eatery that will dazzle the taste buds and tickle the lower intestines.”

“We really wanted a signature attraction at Frontier City, the flagship of Six Flags Properties,” said the park’s manager, Harlan Boef Sur Le Toit. “ErUPtion will feature steaming platters of refried beans, gristly low-grade Cuban beef, fiery habanero peppers, pungent green and red sauce, sour cream, and mounds of cheese. You better bet there will be some ‘erUPtions’ from the very bowels of our guests after they consume this yummy concoction.”

Boef Sur Le Toit added that the name ‘ErUPtion’ was chosen very carefully. “We thought about calling our signature attraction ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Savage Stomach Cramping,’ ‘Los Trots,’ or ‘Violent Anal Hemorrhage,’ but ‘ErUPtion’ seemed to best describe what guests will experience an hour or two after digesting the tasty snacks we offer at this restaurant.”

Six Flags Corporate released a statement to the press indicating that if ErUPtion is a success, Frontier City might just be in line to receive a used trampoline and a tetherball set next season.

--JCK

S&S/Arrow Announces New Standup Coaster Featuring Soft Little Fuzzy Bunnies In Sensitive Areas

S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.

"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"

Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."

Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.

Vekoma SLC Savages Women's Naughty Bits

We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.

S&S Announces Return of Ron Toomer, New Tower Attraction

In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.

“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.

The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”

After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.

Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.

Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.

-RMA

Area Woman Stunned By THE FUTURE

Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.

“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”

Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”

ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."

--JCK

New Disney Thrillrides Greenlighted

ARN&R has just learned that Walt Disney World, in Buena Vista, Florida, has been slated to receive several new E-ticket attractions, slated to open throughout 2004. According to Disney spokesman Bill Zeebub, “there’s going to be so much excitement at Disney in the next few years, no Florida visitor will even consider visiting any other parks.”

Industry experts see the greenlighting of these new projects as proof that Disney has finally realized it has lost guests and money over the past several seasons. “First of all, there are the sponsorship issues, “ stated Desmond Bishop, an Amusement Business columnist. “At the Disney World parks, they have recently lost deals with AMEX, FedEx, GE, MetLife, and others. They release a new ride very rarely at any of the parks, and it inevitably has flaws that result in closures and capacity issues. They charge obscene amounts for admission and services. It’s finally caught up to them.”

Bishop added that, “we are finally seeing Disney react to its problems in a positive fashion, though. These exciting new rides will, our publication feels, bring back the respect and influx of money that Disney expects and is accustomed to receiving. The Mouse is back!”

Zeebub gave reporters tantalizing hints as to what 2004 would hold for each of the Florida Disney parks. “Visitors to the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland should prepare for the excitement of Bridget Jones’s Diary: The Ride. This will be a 400-foot launched Vekoma coaster where passengers experience a one-of-a-kind thrill of being placed in the ‘flying’ position during portions of the coaster. Heartwarming scenes from the movie will be projected on giant IMAX screens around the riders, and we expect that they will be both touched by the cloying sweetness and have their pants soiled by the utter terror of this attraction. It’s a unique combination people will love.”

Other parks will also be blessed by new major endeavors. The MGM Studios Park will add a ride called The View, which will be “an exhilarating next-generation interactive thrill experience dealing with the popular daytime talk show.” Riders will first strap themselves onto hosts Barbara Walters, Meredith Vieira, Joy Behar, or Star Jones (actually, ARN&R has learned that these are elaborate ride vehicles themed to the hosts rather than the hosts themselves; the Star Jones vehicle will be specially designed to accommodate guests of larger proportions). They will then prepare to “experience an astonishing multisensory overload.” Apparently, the cars will move much like the ones for Spiderman at Islands of Adventure, but will be suspended and capable of inversions. Live action, 3-D goggles, and 230 million dollars worth of pyrotechnics and water tank effects will be used. A plot line involving in-depth discussion of women’s health issues, detailed interviews with movie stars, exciting fluff pieces, and a violent, gory, intergalactic space battle is still being finalized, but the show “promises to be a true dominator of all five senses.” Rumored guest contributors include all the hosts of The View, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Met Opera music director James Levine, the members of Metallica, and Carrot Top. No official word has been given on a possible cameo from departed host Lisa Ling, nor on whether the expensive attraction will be sponsored by Old Navy.

EPCOT is slated to receive 40 Days and 40 Nights: The Decimation. Details are scarce about this attraction, but Zeebub told reporters that the ride “will utilize a unique and specially designed interactive centrifuge pod system that will simulate a thrilling mission in space.” Says Lance Hart of Screamscape, “this is almost certainly a cheap last-minute retheming of an existing delayed attraction, Mission: Space. Disney is just trying to capitalize on a hastily slung-together theme so they can slap Josh Hartnett’s mug up everywhere.”

Finally, Animal Kingdom will add “Slingblade…On Ice!!!” According to Zeebub, “Disney could think of no other property it owns more suited to a dazzling display of Broadway-style songs and tantalizing ice skating spins and jumps than Slingblade. Visitors to Animal Kingdom seem to enjoy coming to the park even though there are basically no rides, so we thought we’d keep that trend going.” But that’s not all. The ice show will be the centerpiece of the brand new 5,000-dollar Deep South Land at AK. Zeebub says, “we could not locate a really appropriate themed area within Animal Kingdom in which to place the attraction, so we plan to sling, so to speak, a new Deep South-themed area together for it. Basically, we’ll have some pigs and goats, and a few old outhouses and some rusted El Caminos stuck up on blocks. The food stands will serve biscuits with mustard. We’ll also have an interactive tobacco exhibit, where you can pick the leaves, dry them, and sample the final product by putting a pinch between your cheek and gum. The kids will love it!”

Zeebub refused to confirm speculation on whether Miramax’s exciting Kate & Leopold franchise would finally receive its own E-ticket attraction in the next few years.


--JCK

CoasterBash or Coaster-Bah?

Today’s CoasterBash XIV, held at Garden City Hall in Monroeville, PA, appeared to be anything but a “bash” to unaware American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) members.

"There were no freakin' roller coasters to ride!" exclaimed Mack “The Big Boy” Porkenhauser. "Sure, they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and bottomless beverages, but the only coasters in the joint were rinky-dink cardboard cut-out models. Really bad models at that."

"I was expecting, due to the off-season timing of this event, to have nothing but ERT without all the stupid rednecks I usually see at Pennsylvania parks," stated fourteen-year-old nonmember, and resident of Monroeville, Chester Lynch. "I heard A.C.E. wuz comin' to town so I grabbed up my thirty-dollar ticket to attend. Shoot, ... free food, free drinks, no parking fees ... I thought I had this event in the bag! But it just plain sucked. There won’t no ridin’ at all!"

Stan Cartman, who drove all the way from Colorado to attend the event, said, “the event flyer promised a ‘Chinese auction.’ I figured maybe that meant one of us would win some contest to get laid by a hot Asian babe, but apparently they meant something else. There was no laying, nor were there any hot Asian babes, nor were there really any babes at all. I feel pretty cheated.”

Virginia ACE member Bert Logan was also distressed. “Kennywood sent some haunted house workers that scared me senseless, but why didn’t we get ERT on Phantom’s Revenge and Thunderbolt? I bet they run pretty fast when the grease has a nice layer of ice. I may protest by not going to that park next season. And Janice Witherow did show some nice photos of Top Thrill Dragster, but why couldn’t she bring the ride itself down here for loyal ACE members to get a preview? I paid my mom’s hard-earned cash to ride coasters without worrying about the stupid GP. I did not pay my mom’s hard-earned cash to watch coaster honeymoon videos and find out what exciting fencepost-erecting Libertyland has planned.”

ACE representative Sandra Torkenstein claims, "these jerks have no business attending the Bash if they didn't read the fine print." With a heavy sigh and, pointing out a smudge at the bottom of the event application, she recited, "this is a non-coaster-riding event." Ms. Torkenstein removed her bottle-bottom glasses, folded the document on her lap, and continued, "we cannot understand why these morons are causing such a fluff. The flyers also clearly state the event will be held ‘rain or snow (blizzard) or shine.' Do these lowlife imbeciles actually believe we would endanger their lives with ERT during a blizzard?"

"That would have been totally awesome, dude!" one rambunctious lad stated as he passed the ARN&R interview table, where he overheard Torkenstein’s comments. Raising his hands to form the “Metal Sign” and sticking his tongue several inches out of his mouth, he added, “Extreeeeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee!”

[Correspondent’s Note: I, as an ARN&R reporter, was also miffed, as I had not been aware of the situation. I, too, came for the rides, but my application had been sent in by my editor, who requested I cover this lame-ass story. I now worry that I will be forced to attend this year's Nor'Easter 2003, the next ACE event, to be held March 8, at the Fierlit-Korzen American Legion Post 769 (Central Falls, RI).]

[Editor’s Note: All reporters employed by the ARN&R Breaking News Division are required to write whatever stories they are assigned. Some of these stories are more exciting than others. Certain reporters might find themselves receiving better assignments if they would quit scaring Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion’s hot tub with all that farting. Enjoy all the exciting onboard ride footage of the Quassy Little Dipper next week, buddy!]


--RAS