Helen Hunt Declines Yet Another CoasterCon Guest Appearance
The thousands of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were crestfallen to learn this week that actress Helen Hunt had turned down yet another offer to speak at an ACE Coaster Convention, refusing to be a part of the festivities this summer at Paramount King's Dominion and Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Hunt is a particularly favorite actress with coaster enthusiasts, based on her acting ability, perky breasts, and, primarily, her extremely small role in the rather piss-poor movie Rollercoaster.
"Obviously, we are upset," stated events director Gary Baker. "We felt Ms. Hunt would be an excellent addition to the festivities at the CoasterCon this season. She would be a fine keynote speaker at the banquet, and we could raffle off some rides with her in the front seat of of Rebel Yell and raise tons of bread. Sadly, we'll now have to come up with other options."
Hunt, who as a twelve year old had about 10 lines in the 70's stink bomb about a terrorist who blows up amusement rides, was also asked to attend the Con last summer at Magic Mountain, but declined. This came as a total shock to new ACE executives, who felt that Hunt would jump at the chance to see a private screening of Rollercoaster and answer questions from morons bloated on pounds of cheap buffet. Long term ACE insiders reluctantly admit to ARN&R that Hunt has actually politely declined an invitation to appear and speak at every official ACE function since 1990.
An agent of Hunt's released the following statement to the media: "While Helen is pleased to be recognized for her work in all of her films and television shows, she wishes ACE would come to its senses and perhaps even get a life. No one else really cares about her minor child role in a laughably stupid movie decades ago. Helen makes millions of dollars, and does not need to take a 500 dollar appearance fee to lecture a bunch of geeks about something she barely remembers. Also, she would prefer not to be fondled by all the horny teens who are reputed to be abundant at these enthusiast gatherings. Eventually, Helen's career will deteriorate to the point where she will have to act in reprehensible garbage like Pay it Forward on a regular basis instead of once in a while, and at that point she may need to take some invitations to speak with some groups or what not. Until that point, forget it."
The agent added, "and no, Helen would not like to date any enthusiast, nor would she like to receive any more detailed lists of favorite stand up and suspended coasters from any of you people."
The revised list of potential speakers at the upcoming Coastercon now consists of the AFLAC duck, Florence Henderson, David Arquette, some stinking drunk Vekoma designers, and, of course, Carrot Top. Reaction from ACE members is reportedly mixed, as many members prefer Jessica Alba. Sadly, ARN&R reportedly has the young lass under an exclusive contract for the next several years of coaster functions, so ACE members may be required to brace themselves for the cretin hijinks of a washed up 1-800-CALL-ATT spokesman of some sort instead.
--JCK
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Hey! Aren't You Bozos Supposed To Be On Hiatus Or Something?
Literally pairs of enthusiasts rejoiced this week as they realized that the flow of useless information pouring forth from the great minds at ARN&R had slowed, but had not come to a crashing standstill, as previously advertised and feared. Indeed, many irritated amusement industry experts are reportedly quite put out that ARN&R has managed to continue its cuddling and ass kissing of the amusement industry, as always.
Rumor has it that some of the ARN&R staff has been particularly noble this week, what with more than one of them taking time out from their busy out of state work schedules to contribute a piece here and there. Rumor has it that one staff member even managed to publish articles using a piece of crap, worthless, filthy pile of garbage borrowed IMac, even though the Blog buttons do not appear on OS operating systems, forcing him to learn a few crude lines of html code in order to please his throngs of worshipful minions. All 5 or 6 of them, anyway. These rumors cannot be confirmed at this time.
Literally pairs of enthusiasts rejoiced this week as they realized that the flow of useless information pouring forth from the great minds at ARN&R had slowed, but had not come to a crashing standstill, as previously advertised and feared. Indeed, many irritated amusement industry experts are reportedly quite put out that ARN&R has managed to continue its cuddling and ass kissing of the amusement industry, as always.
Rumor has it that some of the ARN&R staff has been particularly noble this week, what with more than one of them taking time out from their busy out of state work schedules to contribute a piece here and there. Rumor has it that one staff member even managed to publish articles using a piece of crap, worthless, filthy pile of garbage borrowed IMac, even though the Blog buttons do not appear on OS operating systems, forcing him to learn a few crude lines of html code in order to please his throngs of worshipful minions. All 5 or 6 of them, anyway. These rumors cannot be confirmed at this time.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
United Nations Deploys Coaster Enthusiasts to Iraq
The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.
"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."
When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."
President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."
--JCK
The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.
"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."
When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."
President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."
--JCK
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Hot Rerun Action
Just to horrify as many people as possible during our slow update period the next couple of weeks, we might as well leave the front page with the most wholesome family value-based article we've churned out recently.
Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity
Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.
“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”
Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”
Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”
Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”
The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.
--JCK
Just to horrify as many people as possible during our slow update period the next couple of weeks, we might as well leave the front page with the most wholesome family value-based article we've churned out recently.
Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity
Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.
“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”
Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”
Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”
Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”
The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.
--JCK
ARN&R On Hiatus, Kind of, Maybe, To a Certain Extent
Attention loyal readers and those who send us hateful missives laden with hysterically awful attempts to make use of our native English tongue! Updates to ARN&R over the next couple of weeks may be infrequent due to the extreme (sorry, Xtrrreeeeemmmmme!) work load being undertaken by both the Supreme Vice Chancellor Overlord of ARN&R Editing Operations and the Chief ARN&R Lieutenant Master Writer Second in Command in the near future. Be assured that we will keep foisting obnoxious articles upon the dismayed American public as much as possible in the upcoming fortnight or so, and will bequeath all of you with an utter onslaught of sassy hijinks at the earliest time we can manage. Thanks for your support and/or hatred.
Er....actually, we lie. We aren't really busy. We've merely been promised extra time in the ARN&R Mansion's hot tub with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba and can't turn it down. See you in a few days if they let us up for air for a few minutes.
Attention loyal readers and those who send us hateful missives laden with hysterically awful attempts to make use of our native English tongue! Updates to ARN&R over the next couple of weeks may be infrequent due to the extreme (sorry, Xtrrreeeeemmmmme!) work load being undertaken by both the Supreme Vice Chancellor Overlord of ARN&R Editing Operations and the Chief ARN&R Lieutenant Master Writer Second in Command in the near future. Be assured that we will keep foisting obnoxious articles upon the dismayed American public as much as possible in the upcoming fortnight or so, and will bequeath all of you with an utter onslaught of sassy hijinks at the earliest time we can manage. Thanks for your support and/or hatred.
Er....actually, we lie. We aren't really busy. We've merely been promised extra time in the ARN&R Mansion's hot tub with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba and can't turn it down. See you in a few days if they let us up for air for a few minutes.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
Frontier City Adds Mexican Restaurant
Frontier City, the original Premier-owned park, has for many years lagged behind most of the other parks of the Premier and Six Flags chains, both in upkeep and in new rides. That will all change this year with the opening of ErUPtion, which Frontier City calls a “thrilling and unique Mexican eatery that will dazzle the taste buds and tickle the lower intestines.”
“We really wanted a signature attraction at Frontier City, the flagship of Six Flags Properties,” said the park’s manager, Harlan Boef Sur Le Toit. “ErUPtion will feature steaming platters of refried beans, gristly low-grade Cuban beef, fiery habanero peppers, pungent green and red sauce, sour cream, and mounds of cheese. You better bet there will be some ‘erUPtions’ from the very bowels of our guests after they consume this yummy concoction.”
Boef Sur Le Toit added that the name ‘ErUPtion’ was chosen very carefully. “We thought about calling our signature attraction ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Savage Stomach Cramping,’ ‘Los Trots,’ or ‘Violent Anal Hemorrhage,’ but ‘ErUPtion’ seemed to best describe what guests will experience an hour or two after digesting the tasty snacks we offer at this restaurant.”
Six Flags Corporate released a statement to the press indicating that if ErUPtion is a success, Frontier City might just be in line to receive a used trampoline and a tetherball set next season.
--JCK
Frontier City, the original Premier-owned park, has for many years lagged behind most of the other parks of the Premier and Six Flags chains, both in upkeep and in new rides. That will all change this year with the opening of ErUPtion, which Frontier City calls a “thrilling and unique Mexican eatery that will dazzle the taste buds and tickle the lower intestines.”
“We really wanted a signature attraction at Frontier City, the flagship of Six Flags Properties,” said the park’s manager, Harlan Boef Sur Le Toit. “ErUPtion will feature steaming platters of refried beans, gristly low-grade Cuban beef, fiery habanero peppers, pungent green and red sauce, sour cream, and mounds of cheese. You better bet there will be some ‘erUPtions’ from the very bowels of our guests after they consume this yummy concoction.”
Boef Sur Le Toit added that the name ‘ErUPtion’ was chosen very carefully. “We thought about calling our signature attraction ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Savage Stomach Cramping,’ ‘Los Trots,’ or ‘Violent Anal Hemorrhage,’ but ‘ErUPtion’ seemed to best describe what guests will experience an hour or two after digesting the tasty snacks we offer at this restaurant.”
Six Flags Corporate released a statement to the press indicating that if ErUPtion is a success, Frontier City might just be in line to receive a used trampoline and a tetherball set next season.
--JCK
Thursday, March 06, 2003
S&S/Arrow Announces New Standup Coaster Featuring Soft Little Fuzzy Bunnies In Sensitive Areas
S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.
"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"
Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."
Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.
S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.
"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"
Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."
Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.
Vekoma SLC Savages Women's Naughty Bits
We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.
We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.
S&S Announces Return of Ron Toomer, New Tower Attraction
In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.
“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.
The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”
After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.
Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.
Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.
-RMA
In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.
“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.
The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”
After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.
Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.
Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.
-RMA
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Area Woman Stunned By THE FUTURE
Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.
“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”
Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”
ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."
--JCK
Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.
“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”
Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”
ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."
--JCK
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