Breaking News -- Six Flags Reports Zero Malfunctions On Coasters, Public Shocked
Earlier this morning, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. reported that on Tuesday, July 29th, none of their roller coasters malfunctioned throughout the whole day at any of their theme parks anywhere in the entire world. The general public as well as Six Flags management were understandably very shocked by this unexpected, almost unbelievable, announcement. The SEC immediately announced an investigation into what it termed potential attempts at stock manipulation.
"No trains got stuck upside down. No guests were trapped in ridiculously uncomfortable positions for several hours on a lift hill in the boiling summer heat. No wheels or lap bars came flying off of any coasters in mid-course. Heck, we didn't even have any loose bolts fall off of any coasters and smack any guests on the head. It was actually a very, very boring day," explained Six Flags COO, Gary Story.
Concerned that a lack of high profile roller coaster related malfunctions could considerably reduce the park chain's significant summer media exposure, park management issued a memo to all of their ride operators and park maintenance workers instructing them to "if at all possible, slack off even more than you usually do" and also to "stop paying so much attention to manufacturers' suggested maintenance procedures for roller coasters since they are really only suggestions anyway." Six Flags will also begin distributing cases of beer to ride operators at the start of each shift to facilitate their "relaxation."
In a further effort to increase the probability of newsworthy monumental mishaps, Six Flags quickly ordered seven new Vekoma giant inverted boomerang coasters, four Intamin hydraulically launched coasters, three Premier Rides LIM/LSM shuttle coasters and two S&S/Arrow 4-D coasters for immediate installation at selected Six Flags parks worldwide. The installations will be handled by thirteen-year-olds with severely reduced attention spans.
--JWS
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Hollywood Squares to Tape Episodes at Next CoasterCon
Producers of syndicated game show Hollywood Squares announced today that they would record a week's worth of episodes at the next CoasterCon event of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. According to spokeswoman Emily Rankin, the opportunity was too good to pass up.
"You've got fifth-rate celebrities like Timothy Bottoms hanging around these things," said Rankin. "And the crowds eat it up. I suppose for the next one they'll probably get what's-his-name, that dude who was in that really lame movie Thrill back in the '90s...you know, that guy. Sabato...Antonio Sabato Jr., that's it! Yeah, he's had a great career. Can't wait to hear what he has to say about amusement parks."
Rankin said that she was hoping that the show could perhaps book Fabio and Walter Bolliger on the same show, along with Rob Estes (of Melrose Place, reportedly temping as a large chicken character outside a Popeye's Chicken in Indianapolis) dressed up as a large goose. "And maybe Lonny Stevens -- you know, federal agent number one from Rollercoaster -- can show up too!" she added, giggling.
Producers of syndicated game show Hollywood Squares announced today that they would record a week's worth of episodes at the next CoasterCon event of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. According to spokeswoman Emily Rankin, the opportunity was too good to pass up.
"You've got fifth-rate celebrities like Timothy Bottoms hanging around these things," said Rankin. "And the crowds eat it up. I suppose for the next one they'll probably get what's-his-name, that dude who was in that really lame movie Thrill back in the '90s...you know, that guy. Sabato...Antonio Sabato Jr., that's it! Yeah, he's had a great career. Can't wait to hear what he has to say about amusement parks."
Rankin said that she was hoping that the show could perhaps book Fabio and Walter Bolliger on the same show, along with Rob Estes (of Melrose Place, reportedly temping as a large chicken character outside a Popeye's Chicken in Indianapolis) dressed up as a large goose. "And maybe Lonny Stevens -- you know, federal agent number one from Rollercoaster -- can show up too!" she added, giggling.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Satan: Hellevator "Just Like Real Elevators in Hell"
In an exclusive interview arranged for ARN&R by Six Flags's public relations department, Satan shared his views of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's drop ride, "Hellevator."
"It's an exciting experience," said the horned one as plumes of smoke billowed around him. "It is very much like riding the elevators in Hell. It is most like the Prudential Death Insurance Building in downtown Hades City, where you are slowly carried up to the top floors and, if you do not get off in the claims adjustment department, you are dropped rapidly to the bottom of the building."
Beezelbub also noted that the Hellevator at SFKK had similar restraints to the elevators in Hell. "I've never quite known why, but our building codes down there require over-the-shoulder restraints for even the mildest of elevators. I guess I understand it for the Prudential Death Insurance Building's elevator, what with the 50-plus miles per hour drop, but most of our elevators are incredibly slow, and yet they require a lengthy boarding process with careful checking of your restraints."
He noted some differences between SFKK's thrill ride and the elevators in Hell. "Well, you know, it is Hell, so we have to do something different. The operators of Hell's elevators generally plunge a corkscrew into your ears prior to releasing the elevator to lift you to your destination. I understand that happens relatively rarely at Kentucky Kingdom, although they do have a much higher incidence of finding tobacco juice on the ride's seats than we do. That stuff's nasty."
Intamin AG, the designer and builder of SFKK's ride, expressed pride at the devil's endorsement. "We used a seance to research elevators in Hell, and we're pleased to know that our detailed analysis paid off. And we're thinking about incorporating that corkscrew idea."
In an exclusive interview arranged for ARN&R by Six Flags's public relations department, Satan shared his views of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's drop ride, "Hellevator."
"It's an exciting experience," said the horned one as plumes of smoke billowed around him. "It is very much like riding the elevators in Hell. It is most like the Prudential Death Insurance Building in downtown Hades City, where you are slowly carried up to the top floors and, if you do not get off in the claims adjustment department, you are dropped rapidly to the bottom of the building."
Beezelbub also noted that the Hellevator at SFKK had similar restraints to the elevators in Hell. "I've never quite known why, but our building codes down there require over-the-shoulder restraints for even the mildest of elevators. I guess I understand it for the Prudential Death Insurance Building's elevator, what with the 50-plus miles per hour drop, but most of our elevators are incredibly slow, and yet they require a lengthy boarding process with careful checking of your restraints."
He noted some differences between SFKK's thrill ride and the elevators in Hell. "Well, you know, it is Hell, so we have to do something different. The operators of Hell's elevators generally plunge a corkscrew into your ears prior to releasing the elevator to lift you to your destination. I understand that happens relatively rarely at Kentucky Kingdom, although they do have a much higher incidence of finding tobacco juice on the ride's seats than we do. That stuff's nasty."
Intamin AG, the designer and builder of SFKK's ride, expressed pride at the devil's endorsement. "We used a seance to research elevators in Hell, and we're pleased to know that our detailed analysis paid off. And we're thinking about incorporating that corkscrew idea."
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Coaster Enthusiasts Witness Most Disgusting Thing Ever
Two members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts yesterday witnessed the single most repulsive thing ever in the history of the human race, sources tell ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, a man...or perhaps a Cro-Magnon relic or Orc...attempting to board the Gwazi Lion at Busch Gardens Tampa is indeed the pinnacle of yuckitude produced as of yet on this planet.
Said ACE member James Langenkirk, 31, "Darren and I were just minding our own business, wallowing and festering in the 110-degree, 98-percent humidity of the Gwazi Lion line, waiting for the world's slowest ride ops to leisurely check each belt, then leisurely check each bar, then leisurely go have a nice dinner and take a nice big dump, then leisurely wander over to dispatch the trains, when I saw the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And I grew up in rural Alabama, so, trust me, I am damn well qualified to speak on horrible things. This...person...came in and..." Here Langenkirk waved his hands in the air, unable to find the words to fully describe the suffering and terror he endured.
His traveling companion Darren Carson, 52, then chimed in. "James alerted me to the unholy monstrosity, and I wish to God he hadn't. We looked over and there was this 350-pound guy with long, stringy, greasy hair and scabby arms and open, weeping sores on his mouth trying to ooze his Orca-like bulk into the Lion train. It was all I could do not to gag right then and there, but then James pointed out his T-shirt, which said 'PETTING ZOO' and had a huge arrow pointing down at his crotch. Oh, the humanity."
Carson added, "excuse me, but I need to run to those bushes over there. Just talking about it is gonna make me puke."
While Carson was busy with his copious vomiting, Langenkirk told ARN&R that his friend had "screamed like a little girl" in terror when he saw the T-shirt, and it had taken paramedics fourteen minutes to revive him with smelling salts and intravenous fluids after he passed out. Carson refused to confirm or deny these statements, claiming that he "sort of blanked most of the day out after it happened."
The disgusting guy on Gwazi Lion told ARN&R that he planned to arrive at the park the next day with a T-shirt that says "How about a 68 position? That means you do me and I owe you 1!" Upon overhearing this unfortunate news, Carson resumed his explosive ralphing.
--JCK
Two members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts yesterday witnessed the single most repulsive thing ever in the history of the human race, sources tell ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, a man...or perhaps a Cro-Magnon relic or Orc...attempting to board the Gwazi Lion at Busch Gardens Tampa is indeed the pinnacle of yuckitude produced as of yet on this planet.
Said ACE member James Langenkirk, 31, "Darren and I were just minding our own business, wallowing and festering in the 110-degree, 98-percent humidity of the Gwazi Lion line, waiting for the world's slowest ride ops to leisurely check each belt, then leisurely check each bar, then leisurely go have a nice dinner and take a nice big dump, then leisurely wander over to dispatch the trains, when I saw the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And I grew up in rural Alabama, so, trust me, I am damn well qualified to speak on horrible things. This...person...came in and..." Here Langenkirk waved his hands in the air, unable to find the words to fully describe the suffering and terror he endured.
His traveling companion Darren Carson, 52, then chimed in. "James alerted me to the unholy monstrosity, and I wish to God he hadn't. We looked over and there was this 350-pound guy with long, stringy, greasy hair and scabby arms and open, weeping sores on his mouth trying to ooze his Orca-like bulk into the Lion train. It was all I could do not to gag right then and there, but then James pointed out his T-shirt, which said 'PETTING ZOO' and had a huge arrow pointing down at his crotch. Oh, the humanity."
Carson added, "excuse me, but I need to run to those bushes over there. Just talking about it is gonna make me puke."
While Carson was busy with his copious vomiting, Langenkirk told ARN&R that his friend had "screamed like a little girl" in terror when he saw the T-shirt, and it had taken paramedics fourteen minutes to revive him with smelling salts and intravenous fluids after he passed out. Carson refused to confirm or deny these statements, claiming that he "sort of blanked most of the day out after it happened."
The disgusting guy on Gwazi Lion told ARN&R that he planned to arrive at the park the next day with a T-shirt that says "How about a 68 position? That means you do me and I owe you 1!" Upon overhearing this unfortunate news, Carson resumed his explosive ralphing.
--JCK
Intamin In Negotiations To Purchase Kia Motors
Swiss thrill ride manufacturer, Intamin AG, has recently been negotiating with Hyundai Motors to purchase Korean automobile manufacturer, Kia Motors, a subsidiary of Hyundai. Intamin hopes to acquire Kia in order to diversify their product portfolio, which currently includes roller coasters, water rides, spinning flat rides and an electronics department dedicated to supplying, configuring and servicing the control systems that operate those rides. Intamin also hopes that sharing technologies between the two companies will help both companies to grow exponentially into bigger, even more successful, corporations.
Here is what Sandor Kernacs, president of Intamin, had to say to ARN&R about Intamin's proposed acquisition during a recent exclusive interview:
"We don't want all of Intamin's chickens to be in one cradle. In this day and age, heterogeneity is the key to success and prosperity. We here at Intamin truly believe that diversifying our product offerings and adding commodities with proven records of high quality and extreme reliability to our portfolio will only enhance our presence in the world marketplace. It's clearly a win-win situation for Intamin and for Kia."
Kernacs went on to discuss some striking similarities between the two successful companies. He keenly noted how any major new Intamin roller coaster installation is just as reliable as any brand new Kia automobile. He also noted that the technology and parts used to manufacture an automatic transmission for a Kia Spectra are exactly the same parts that were used to construct the hydraulic launch mechanism for Intamin's Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster at Cedar Point. Kernacs further noted that all of both companies' products come with a ten year/100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty and three year/36,000 mile unlimited roadside assistance. Finally, Kernacs very astutely pointed out that the only two vowels in Kia are 'i' and 'a', and the only two vowels in Intamin are 'i' and 'a'.
Intamin expects to make a formal offer for Kia Motors within the next several weeks. In the meantime, in order to avoid having "all of Intamin's chickens in one cradle," the company is exploring other tantalizing takeover opportunities including plans to purchase telecommunications giant, MCI/Worldcom and Major League Baseball team, The Detroit Tigers, both proven winners according to Kernacs.
--JWS
Swiss thrill ride manufacturer, Intamin AG, has recently been negotiating with Hyundai Motors to purchase Korean automobile manufacturer, Kia Motors, a subsidiary of Hyundai. Intamin hopes to acquire Kia in order to diversify their product portfolio, which currently includes roller coasters, water rides, spinning flat rides and an electronics department dedicated to supplying, configuring and servicing the control systems that operate those rides. Intamin also hopes that sharing technologies between the two companies will help both companies to grow exponentially into bigger, even more successful, corporations.
Here is what Sandor Kernacs, president of Intamin, had to say to ARN&R about Intamin's proposed acquisition during a recent exclusive interview:
"We don't want all of Intamin's chickens to be in one cradle. In this day and age, heterogeneity is the key to success and prosperity. We here at Intamin truly believe that diversifying our product offerings and adding commodities with proven records of high quality and extreme reliability to our portfolio will only enhance our presence in the world marketplace. It's clearly a win-win situation for Intamin and for Kia."
Kernacs went on to discuss some striking similarities between the two successful companies. He keenly noted how any major new Intamin roller coaster installation is just as reliable as any brand new Kia automobile. He also noted that the technology and parts used to manufacture an automatic transmission for a Kia Spectra are exactly the same parts that were used to construct the hydraulic launch mechanism for Intamin's Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster at Cedar Point. Kernacs further noted that all of both companies' products come with a ten year/100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty and three year/36,000 mile unlimited roadside assistance. Finally, Kernacs very astutely pointed out that the only two vowels in Kia are 'i' and 'a', and the only two vowels in Intamin are 'i' and 'a'.
Intamin expects to make a formal offer for Kia Motors within the next several weeks. In the meantime, in order to avoid having "all of Intamin's chickens in one cradle," the company is exploring other tantalizing takeover opportunities including plans to purchase telecommunications giant, MCI/Worldcom and Major League Baseball team, The Detroit Tigers, both proven winners according to Kernacs.
--JWS
Friday, July 25, 2003
Enthusiast Disease Discovered, Named
The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.
Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.
"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.
"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.
Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."
--MMS
The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.
Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.
"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.
"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.
Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."
--MMS
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Dutch Wonderland Outed
Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park located near Lancaster, Pennsylvania was officially outed yesterday on the E! Entertainment Television Web site. It has been rumored for years that the park might be hiding its true sexual orientation in order to maintain its family image, but the park has continuously denied these accusations and insisted that it is really "just very happy, but definitely not gay."
However, when E! reporters spotted Dutch Wonderland recently, at a Cher concert, holding hands with The Enchanted Forest (of Turner, Oregon) and singing I Got You Babe as the two parks gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, there was no denying that Dutch Wonderland is, in fact, very very gay. Upon being confronted by E! reporters, Dutch Wonderland immediately burst into tears and ran out of the concert without even waiting for the encore, which any Cher fan will tell you, is the most fab part of the show and absolutely should not be missed no matter what.
"He ran straight to his fuchsia colored convertible Volkswagen Beetle screaming all the way in a very lispy voice 'I just want to be happy, oh please just let me be happy,'" a witness said.
ACE member, Barney Kugler, was not at all surprised by the park's recent outing. "I've been posting for years to every rollercoaster and amusement park newsgroup that I could find that Dutch Wonderland is the gayest park I've ever been to," said Barney. "I mean, come on, it has a roller coaster named 'Sky Princess' and a boat ride named 'The Lady Gay River Boat.' How much more proof do you need? Oh yeah, Cedar Point and Magic Mountain are way gay too."
Park guest, Sandy Maplethorpe, also sensed something was a little swishy with Dutch Wonderland during a recent visit to the park. "Of course I had my suspicions," said Sandy. "The park is just packed full of 'fairy' tale characters and its mascots are a 'fairy' princess and a purple dragon, for crying out loud. A purple dragon? You can't get much gayer than that."
Dutch Wonderland could not immediately be reached for comment, but the park's mother, Hersheypark, issued a statement begging the public not to rush to judgment against her son. "He's such a sweet boy. So what if he's just a little bit gay? It's probably just a phase he's going through, or maybe he was just experimenting. Please, just wait until you have all of the facts before you condemn my sweet sweet boy," pleaded Mrs. Hersheypark.
In related news, nineteen-year-old Phish fan Ben Connolly of St. Paul, Minnesota, stated that "Valleyfair was totally baked when they designed that new coaster, dude."
--JWS
Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park located near Lancaster, Pennsylvania was officially outed yesterday on the E! Entertainment Television Web site. It has been rumored for years that the park might be hiding its true sexual orientation in order to maintain its family image, but the park has continuously denied these accusations and insisted that it is really "just very happy, but definitely not gay."
However, when E! reporters spotted Dutch Wonderland recently, at a Cher concert, holding hands with The Enchanted Forest (of Turner, Oregon) and singing I Got You Babe as the two parks gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, there was no denying that Dutch Wonderland is, in fact, very very gay. Upon being confronted by E! reporters, Dutch Wonderland immediately burst into tears and ran out of the concert without even waiting for the encore, which any Cher fan will tell you, is the most fab part of the show and absolutely should not be missed no matter what.
"He ran straight to his fuchsia colored convertible Volkswagen Beetle screaming all the way in a very lispy voice 'I just want to be happy, oh please just let me be happy,'" a witness said.
ACE member, Barney Kugler, was not at all surprised by the park's recent outing. "I've been posting for years to every rollercoaster and amusement park newsgroup that I could find that Dutch Wonderland is the gayest park I've ever been to," said Barney. "I mean, come on, it has a roller coaster named 'Sky Princess' and a boat ride named 'The Lady Gay River Boat.' How much more proof do you need? Oh yeah, Cedar Point and Magic Mountain are way gay too."
Park guest, Sandy Maplethorpe, also sensed something was a little swishy with Dutch Wonderland during a recent visit to the park. "Of course I had my suspicions," said Sandy. "The park is just packed full of 'fairy' tale characters and its mascots are a 'fairy' princess and a purple dragon, for crying out loud. A purple dragon? You can't get much gayer than that."
Dutch Wonderland could not immediately be reached for comment, but the park's mother, Hersheypark, issued a statement begging the public not to rush to judgment against her son. "He's such a sweet boy. So what if he's just a little bit gay? It's probably just a phase he's going through, or maybe he was just experimenting. Please, just wait until you have all of the facts before you condemn my sweet sweet boy," pleaded Mrs. Hersheypark.
In related news, nineteen-year-old Phish fan Ben Connolly of St. Paul, Minnesota, stated that "Valleyfair was totally baked when they designed that new coaster, dude."
--JWS
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Cedar Point Adds All-You-Can-Eat Buffet To Top Thrill Dragster Queue
Trying to capitalize on the absolutely insane amount of time that Cedar Point guests will actually wait in line to ride Top Thrill Dragster, and in an effort to avoid having park patrons pass out from lack of nourishment while they wait for up to eight hours in said line, Cedar Point proudly introduced the all new 'Top Swill Snackster All-You-Can-Eat Buffet' this past Monday, July 21st.
While waiting in line for Top Thrill Dragster, park guests will now have the opportunity to purchase a plate and pile it high over and over again with goodies from the rows and rows of buffet tables that weave up and down each wakway throughout the entire Top Thrill Dragster queue.
Buffet selections currently include mountains of country-fried chicken, steak and ham, mashed potatoes, baked beans, string beans, corn-on-the-cob, rivers of beef and chicken flavored gravy, plenty of dinner rolls and so much more. A full selection of desserts including puddings, pies and cakes are also available for an extra charge. Need a soft drink to wash it all down? No problem, soft drinks are available too.
"This is just what we needed to complete the Top Thrill Dragster line experience," said Cedar Point general manager, Daniel Keller. "Now guests will never have to leave the Top Thrill Dragster line again except when they want to take a Top Thrill Dragster bathroom break. We here at Cedar Point are very excited about this new addition to the park and judging by how many vats of gravy we've gone through in the past three days, coaster lovers must be excited about it too," added Keller. "We've been having some trouble with the soda fountain's technology -- Intamin made it, you see -- but that'll be worked out shortly, we're sure of it."
Coaster enthusiasts around the country couldn't be happier. American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) member Frank Lunder summed it all up pretty well when he mumbled, in between platefuls of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, with beef gravy drizzling down both of his chins, "Mmmm, coaster good... gravy better."
'Top Swill Snackster' is now open daily at Cedar Point from 11:00 a.m. until 8:00 p.m. The cost is $15.95 per person. Add an additional $4.00 per person if you also would like unlimited soft drinks and desserts.
--JWS
Trying to capitalize on the absolutely insane amount of time that Cedar Point guests will actually wait in line to ride Top Thrill Dragster, and in an effort to avoid having park patrons pass out from lack of nourishment while they wait for up to eight hours in said line, Cedar Point proudly introduced the all new 'Top Swill Snackster All-You-Can-Eat Buffet' this past Monday, July 21st.
While waiting in line for Top Thrill Dragster, park guests will now have the opportunity to purchase a plate and pile it high over and over again with goodies from the rows and rows of buffet tables that weave up and down each wakway throughout the entire Top Thrill Dragster queue.
Buffet selections currently include mountains of country-fried chicken, steak and ham, mashed potatoes, baked beans, string beans, corn-on-the-cob, rivers of beef and chicken flavored gravy, plenty of dinner rolls and so much more. A full selection of desserts including puddings, pies and cakes are also available for an extra charge. Need a soft drink to wash it all down? No problem, soft drinks are available too.
"This is just what we needed to complete the Top Thrill Dragster line experience," said Cedar Point general manager, Daniel Keller. "Now guests will never have to leave the Top Thrill Dragster line again except when they want to take a Top Thrill Dragster bathroom break. We here at Cedar Point are very excited about this new addition to the park and judging by how many vats of gravy we've gone through in the past three days, coaster lovers must be excited about it too," added Keller. "We've been having some trouble with the soda fountain's technology -- Intamin made it, you see -- but that'll be worked out shortly, we're sure of it."
Coaster enthusiasts around the country couldn't be happier. American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) member Frank Lunder summed it all up pretty well when he mumbled, in between platefuls of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, with beef gravy drizzling down both of his chins, "Mmmm, coaster good... gravy better."
'Top Swill Snackster' is now open daily at Cedar Point from 11:00 a.m. until 8:00 p.m. The cost is $15.95 per person. Add an additional $4.00 per person if you also would like unlimited soft drinks and desserts.
--JWS
Monday, July 21, 2003
It's Official: Some People Like Robb Alvey and Elissa White, Some Don't
Thanks to all of the incredibly gifted and brilliant minds over at rec.roller-coaster, the roller coaster enthusiast world will no longer have to wonder about one of the most intriguing mysteries of all time. For it has been solved.
After months and months of debate and thread after hate-spewing thread of useless, inane chatter and childish name calling, it can now safely and assuredly be said that some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.
Experts poured over the evidence for month after agonizing month looking for the answer to this puzzling perplexity. They painstakingly analyzed post after post, thread after thread, message after message looking for clues to guide them along in their quest for this supreme knowledge. They interviewed hundreds of witnesses dozens of times each. They watched hour after hour of roller coaster POV video footage and studied countless incidents of wild and wacky antics between Robb, Elissa and their 'so-called' fiends. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the experts reached a startling consensus on this ever so important issue. Some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.
Expert on everything and frequent rec.roller-coaster poster, Marvin Jacobson, had this to say about the oh-so-surprising recent revelation:
"I already knew that. It's really just a matter of simple mathematics. Flip a coin 100 times and, on average, it'll land on heads 50 times and on tails 50 times unless you have some super mind control power that allows you to control how the coin will land, like I have. But, if you aren't gifted with mind control like me, then half the time you'll get one result and the other half you'll get another result. Although, I guess there is also a slim possibility that the coin could land sideways on its edge. Yeah, I guess that could happen too. Or, possibly, you might flip the coin up so high that it would leave the gravitational pull of the Earth and just keep flipping around forever never landing on heads or tails. I guess that could also happen. But, anyway, what were we talking about?"
Experts around the world are quite relieved that this dilemma has finally been resolved. Now, they can move on and concentrate on solving some more of the important mysteries of life like which is the best digital camera, does Six Flags America management sit around all day watching BET, and is Justin gay, or is he just a really sexy bitch?
--JWS
Thanks to all of the incredibly gifted and brilliant minds over at rec.roller-coaster, the roller coaster enthusiast world will no longer have to wonder about one of the most intriguing mysteries of all time. For it has been solved.
After months and months of debate and thread after hate-spewing thread of useless, inane chatter and childish name calling, it can now safely and assuredly be said that some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.
Experts poured over the evidence for month after agonizing month looking for the answer to this puzzling perplexity. They painstakingly analyzed post after post, thread after thread, message after message looking for clues to guide them along in their quest for this supreme knowledge. They interviewed hundreds of witnesses dozens of times each. They watched hour after hour of roller coaster POV video footage and studied countless incidents of wild and wacky antics between Robb, Elissa and their 'so-called' fiends. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the experts reached a startling consensus on this ever so important issue. Some people like Robb Alvey and Elissa White and some people just don't.
Expert on everything and frequent rec.roller-coaster poster, Marvin Jacobson, had this to say about the oh-so-surprising recent revelation:
"I already knew that. It's really just a matter of simple mathematics. Flip a coin 100 times and, on average, it'll land on heads 50 times and on tails 50 times unless you have some super mind control power that allows you to control how the coin will land, like I have. But, if you aren't gifted with mind control like me, then half the time you'll get one result and the other half you'll get another result. Although, I guess there is also a slim possibility that the coin could land sideways on its edge. Yeah, I guess that could happen too. Or, possibly, you might flip the coin up so high that it would leave the gravitational pull of the Earth and just keep flipping around forever never landing on heads or tails. I guess that could also happen. But, anyway, what were we talking about?"
Experts around the world are quite relieved that this dilemma has finally been resolved. Now, they can move on and concentrate on solving some more of the important mysteries of life like which is the best digital camera, does Six Flags America management sit around all day watching BET, and is Justin gay, or is he just a really sexy bitch?
--JWS
Friday, July 18, 2003
Paramount Executives Baffled By Online Survey Responses
The results of an online survey, sponsored by Paramount Parks, designed to give Paramount executives some idea of the types of rides and attractions that guests would like to see at Paramount's theme parks are beginning to pour in. Paramount executives have been quite shocked by the survey responses so far, to say the least.
Execs have been puzzled by the survey responses from start to finish beginning with the very first set of questions that asks users to rate leisure time activities on a scale of 'extreme dislike' to 'extreme like.' It seems that most survey respondents 'extremely like' 'going to a restaurant', 'playing home video games', 'visiting a theme park' and 'sleeping.'
Other activities, however, are getting nothing but 'extreme dislike' rankings by survey respondents. Activities like 'spending time with friends', 'going to a friend's house', 'hanging out with boyfriend/girlfriend', 'going to a party', 'playing sports', 'going on a date' and 'working' apparently don't rate at all with Paramount guests. Paramount execs are beginning to worry that all of their theme park guests are anti-social introverts with low self-esteem and no friends.
Also somewhat surprisingly, the activity rated 'least liked' by survey takers thus far is 'exercising/working out.' Paramount execs were also very stunned to learn that many survey respondents 'would rather stay indoors than go out.' Execs had assumed that most guests must like exercising since they most likely spend a lot of time walking around in theme parks and they must enjoy getting outside so that they can visit theme parks.
The shock did not end there though. Paramount execs were further astonished to learn that, when asked 'what would you like to see at Paramount Parks', most survey respondents answered that they would like to see 'more buffet style restaurants with lots of free gravy', 'much, much longer seat belts on roller coasters and drop rides that will hold bigger people in' and 'more pretty girl ride attendants with big hooters.' Execs had incorrectly assumed that most guests would probably like to see an expensive new thrill ride or a fancy new pyrotechnics laden show.
Paramount execs were just about floored to learn that survey respondents felt that theme park attendance has dropped off over the past few years because of 'Rockford Files reruns on TV-Land' and 'an increase in broadband access for coaster enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time.' Execs did not know how to react to those responses at all.
Finally, execs were just flabbergasted after reading responses to what survey respondents felt that theme parks could do in order to get people back to the parks. Respondents overwhelmingly answered 'only build roller coasters from now on', 'offer ACE members more free stuff and more ERT', 'don't let those bastard general public people in so much' and 'MORE FREE GRAVY! I already told you that!'
Obviously, Paramount execs are beginning to feel that their survey has been an incredible waste of time and money.
ARN&R reporters keenly noted that the Paramount Parks survey responses started trending this way shortly after a link to the online survey appeared in a thread on rec.roller-coaster. Coaster enthusiasts around the world continue to discredit any connection between the two events and insist that it is all purely one big coincidence, as they fully and accurately reflect the views of every right-thinking person everywhere.
--JWS
The results of an online survey, sponsored by Paramount Parks, designed to give Paramount executives some idea of the types of rides and attractions that guests would like to see at Paramount's theme parks are beginning to pour in. Paramount executives have been quite shocked by the survey responses so far, to say the least.
Execs have been puzzled by the survey responses from start to finish beginning with the very first set of questions that asks users to rate leisure time activities on a scale of 'extreme dislike' to 'extreme like.' It seems that most survey respondents 'extremely like' 'going to a restaurant', 'playing home video games', 'visiting a theme park' and 'sleeping.'
Other activities, however, are getting nothing but 'extreme dislike' rankings by survey respondents. Activities like 'spending time with friends', 'going to a friend's house', 'hanging out with boyfriend/girlfriend', 'going to a party', 'playing sports', 'going on a date' and 'working' apparently don't rate at all with Paramount guests. Paramount execs are beginning to worry that all of their theme park guests are anti-social introverts with low self-esteem and no friends.
Also somewhat surprisingly, the activity rated 'least liked' by survey takers thus far is 'exercising/working out.' Paramount execs were also very stunned to learn that many survey respondents 'would rather stay indoors than go out.' Execs had assumed that most guests must like exercising since they most likely spend a lot of time walking around in theme parks and they must enjoy getting outside so that they can visit theme parks.
The shock did not end there though. Paramount execs were further astonished to learn that, when asked 'what would you like to see at Paramount Parks', most survey respondents answered that they would like to see 'more buffet style restaurants with lots of free gravy', 'much, much longer seat belts on roller coasters and drop rides that will hold bigger people in' and 'more pretty girl ride attendants with big hooters.' Execs had incorrectly assumed that most guests would probably like to see an expensive new thrill ride or a fancy new pyrotechnics laden show.
Paramount execs were just about floored to learn that survey respondents felt that theme park attendance has dropped off over the past few years because of 'Rockford Files reruns on TV-Land' and 'an increase in broadband access for coaster enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time.' Execs did not know how to react to those responses at all.
Finally, execs were just flabbergasted after reading responses to what survey respondents felt that theme parks could do in order to get people back to the parks. Respondents overwhelmingly answered 'only build roller coasters from now on', 'offer ACE members more free stuff and more ERT', 'don't let those bastard general public people in so much' and 'MORE FREE GRAVY! I already told you that!'
Obviously, Paramount execs are beginning to feel that their survey has been an incredible waste of time and money.
ARN&R reporters keenly noted that the Paramount Parks survey responses started trending this way shortly after a link to the online survey appeared in a thread on rec.roller-coaster. Coaster enthusiasts around the world continue to discredit any connection between the two events and insist that it is all purely one big coincidence, as they fully and accurately reflect the views of every right-thinking person everywhere.
--JWS
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