Worst. Site. Ever.

We've been giving out our Site O' the Weak honors for a while now, and we haven't made any particular distinction in the level of hideousness between the awful monstrosities we've mocked. However, just because we never came up with an Extra-Special Super Platinum Business Class Ultra-Bling-Bling Site O' the Weak O' the Millennium doesn't mean we shouldn't have for this week's honoree.

Have a gander, if you dare, at the Road Trip Website, an internet destination so stultifyingly, mind-bogglingly wretched as to defy the English language to produce terms capable of describing its dreadfulness.

Okay, once you get to the front page, you'll locate a logo for EPCOT, then there's a picture of EPCOT that appears to be from an actual camera, then some other shot that's blatantly stolen from some Disney promotional materials. And then there's....um...hang on. Uh...well....ah yes. That's it. Yes, folks, the website actually has no content whatsoever. There's nothing else. Although we do applaud the Road Trip page for getting rid of their original front-page scheme, which consisted of exactly one gigantic image stolen lock, stock, and barrel from another coaster site...and nothing else.

--JCK

Put On Your Sunglasses

We got a little distracted there with the ACE fun, and so we forgot to do the Site O' the Weak on Monday. So here's one for the half-week, and it's really only half-lame. It's Lawrie's Carnival and Amusement Park Pages!

If you can manage to block your eyes from the design and color selection horror show, this is probably actually a pretty decent site, if you happen to be looking for information about Finland's amusement parks and carnivals. But...those colors! They burn! They burn!

In any event, thanks, Lawrie! We're glad to know you're a big boy! And we're only slightly creeped out by your interest in watching cheerleader competitions ("There may be literally hundreds of stunning looking girls in mini skirts performing just for you...")!

Editor's Note: We've posted an addendum to the end of the story about the Rollercoaster! story down below. Please take a look.

Six Flags CEO Comments on Financial Condition

Six Flags, Inc. (NYSE: PKS), recently held a press conference providing the financial community with its financial guidance on its likely future performance. ARN&R was, of course, there.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to welcome each and every one one of you to the Six Flags 2003 Financial Guidance Press Conference,” began Chairman and CEO Kieran Burke. “It is with great pleasure that I begin with a review of our past performance.”

“In 2000, in our second full year of operations after Premier Parks acquired Six Flags our net income was a negative $75 million dollars. In 2001, we surpassed those results and lost $85 million dollars. In 2002, our best year yet, we lost an astounding $128 million dollars. The 3 year total of our losses is an impressive $288 million,” Burke concluded to rousing applause.

“Additionally, in 2002, my total compensation was $1.08 million. Our CFO James Dannhauser earned $649,000, and our COO Gary Story earned $727,000. This is a total of $2.025 million in compensation for our top 3 executives in fiscal 2002, and we're hoping to top even that this year. We're looking into some innovative ways to pay our park employees even less; right now, we're considering paying them in potatoes and other inexpensive food products."

“We are all aware that new rides and attractions are an important part of growing our business and eventually making money, to the exclusion of spending money on anything that might actually enhance our guests' visits like cleaning up the human excrement. We spent $334 million in 2000 for new rides and attractions, with $160 million in 2001 and $146 million in 2002 systemwide.”

“Our management team continues to cut operating budgets and raise prices for in-park purchases, admissions, and our favorite, parking fees. This we feel drastically reduces the pleasure of our guests due to closed rides, minimal capacity, severely reduced staffing, and the priceless feeling of being completely robbed. We're especially proud of that."

“Finally, our stock price hit $30 in 2000, $12 in 2001, and the all-time low of $3 in 2002."

“The executive management is very proud or our results. We expect to lose even more money on a systemwide basis this year. We have further cut spending on new rides and attractions. We have slashed budgets to the point where our management at the park level can hardly afford to buy toilet paper for their own offices. Best of all, our guest satisfaction is at an all-time low – even worse when Bally killed people in droves at Six Flags.”

“In closing, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you for your continued support. Wall Street, our Board of Directors hand-picked by me, and our institutional investors have made this all possible. You all have made the three of us filthy rich while we have run a perfectly good company completely into the ground. I am proud to say that I am a graduate of the Harvard School of Law. Lawyers can accomplish anything! Thank you again for making this all possible. On your way out, please be sure to buy some more stock that Mr. Dannhauser is selling at the back door.”

MorganlyVanguardChaseWachoviaFleetSalomon Bank raised their rating on PKS stock immediately after the conference to a “STRONG BUY."

--EJB

Editor's Note: Thanks to all of you who have copied us on your e-mails to ACE. Judging from the responses we've seen, they are still trying to justify calling a hotel a concentration camp rather than giving a straightforward apology and acknowledgement that it was a mistake. Please keep it up, and keep copying us on your notes.

And now, back to the show...

Kennywood and Dollywood Reunite for New Album of Duets

(Nashville, TN) After nearly twenty years apart, the famed parks Kennywood and Dollywood have finally found the time to get together at a Nashville studio to record an album of duets that the pair hopes will capture the same magic as their 1983 smash 'Islands in the Stream.'

"We've just been so busy," said a reflective Kennywood. "I've had to deal with the whole Steel Phantom to Phantom's Revenge transition, and don't get me started on that tragedy on the Whip. That really can take a lot out of a park. By the time I got things on my end in order, Dollywood was busy putting the finishing touches on the Thunderhead deal. It just doesn't leave a park with a whole lot of time to record sappy duets."

Dollywood was unavailable for comment, but ARN&R was able to obatin a list of some possible song titles:

Please Baby, Don't Taer Me Down

Lookin' for a Threesome in all the Wrong Forums

You're the Reason God Made Those Vekomas

Where Were You the Day the Whip Stood Still?

I Gave You all the Gravy in Texas, and that Still Wasn't Enough

The duo is still finalizing arrangements for the recording. Presently they are deciding between Avril Lavigne production team The Matrix and P. Diddy for production duties, and 50 Cent is in negotiations for a guest rap on the album's likely first single, "Number One with a Mullet."

--CSB/MMS

Search the Sarcasm

ARN&R is pleased to announce that after many many months of development and coding, we finally implemented a search function that took about three minutes. Down there on the left on the front page. So you can now find how many times we've mentioned Kentucky (21) or gravy (22). Enjoy!

ACE News Changes Name to “AYCE News”

When the latest issue of the American Coaster Enthusiasts newsletter, ACE News, hit mailboxes this week, subscribers were not tremendously surprised to note that the publication had a new name: “AYCE News.” After maintaining its previous name for numerous issues over twenty-six volumes, the newsletter undergoes a change that editor Mark Davidson says “more accurately represents the true essence of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”

“AYCE” is a term typically used at buffet restaurants, and is an abbreviation for “All You Can Eat.” It is most appropriately pronounced with a noticeable redneck accent, say experts on horrible American eating habits.

“The ACE Executive Politburo had a meeting where it was decided, with input from the editorial and writing staff at ACE News, that the mission of the newsletter was simply not being accurately put forth by the title, and a new, bold, and more correct moniker would be required,” said ACE President and Commander of the Order of the British Empire Carole Sanderson. “It took minimal debate to conclude that ACE really has very little to do with roller coasters, preservation, exclusive ride time, or any of the things which some people seem to find important. Actually, ACE is primarily about members gorging themselves on huge hunks of freshly killed game and frolicking and gamboling merrily about in virtual swamps of pork gravy," Sanderson stated, while gnawing on a pork chop on a stick.

"And what better issue to change our name for than the September-October 2003 one? No article ever written has better demonstrated our commitment to these lofty goals of ACE eatery than the one on the Preservation Conference held in Colorado.”

Sanderson gave a detailed presentation on the article with the help of statistical analysis provided by analysts from MIT, the contents of which are summarized below:

- Food and eating are mentioned approximately 18 times. Sanderson generously chose not to add the terms “food for thought” and “perish” (which some took to mean “perishable”) to this list, as they technically are not about actually literally cramming dribbling barbecue and gristle into one's vast gullet.

- Roller Coasters are mentioned in eight paragraphs in the article. This includes all references about preservation, ceremonies, ERT on coasters, and discussions of possible future rides. Meanwhile, food, eating, or eateries are referenced in ten different paragraphs. Sanderson admitted that this comparison is not entirely fair, as most of the articles involving food discuss the slurping down of masses of Crisco and vanilla frosting in intricate, lurid, graphic, and, quite frankly, almost pornographic detail, while the coaster references are nearly clinical in the lack of detail.

- An actual roller coaster finally was mentioned in the eighth paragraph of the article, while food appeared in three paragraphs prior to that point.

- Food references include the following sensationalist accounts, quoted directly from the article. This material is gruesome and explicit, and some viewers may wish to avert their eyes:

And we should say right up front, we’ve been eating quite well this year, thank you.

With a complete dinner just a couple of hours away, registration saw a wide range of handy snacks…

Dinner not only fed us well…

ACE…quickly found refreshments…

With taste buds adequately satisfied, it was on to the coasters…

Breakfast items…woke people to the final day of the conference.

The first surprise of lunch was the God-given freedom to ‘schhhhhhhlock’ as much whipped cream on your strawberry shortcake as you desired.

As if it wasn’t the perfect metaphor, the event officially closed with dessert.

And yep, the Cyclone continued to give one last ERT between scoops of ice cream and decadent toppings.

Although ARN&R is a family publication, and therefore disapproves of all this sexually-charged writing about engulfing entire still-writhing live boars in your yawning crevice of a mouth while stiff-arming other park patrons away from the mashed potatoes with gravy and cheese sauce, we certainly have been won over by the Executive Politburo’s presentation of the reasoning behind the switch. ARN&R therefore offers its full support to ACE News henceforth being known as “AYCE News.”

--JCK

Flyer Purists Start an Anti-Tub Humping Campaign

At the annual gathering of tools and hicks known as PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, the flyer purists were out in storm, verbally assaulting and mocking other flyer participants known as ‘tub-humpers.’

When reached for comment from the depths of his mother’s basement, 34-year-old dungeon master and flyer purist Nathan Andrake said, “In recent years there has been an outbreak of this heinous activity. Not only is it unsafe, it also makes the pilots appear to be better than us, and we can not have that in this fast-paced world of flyer riding. This is not how flyers are meant to be enjoyed.” He then rolled his 87 sided die and cast “stupidity ++.”

To those unaware, “Tub Humping” is a way of physically rocking the flyer back and forth, causing for better and more frequent snaps, say experts.

When reached for comment an offender asked “Aren’t they that crappy ‘rock’ band that sang that lame song back in the 90's? ‘I get knocked down but I get up again’...more like ‘I record one song and am never heard of again.’”

When asked for a rebuttal Andrake fired a “Magic Missile.”

--MEC

[Editor's Note: I bet most of you didn't know that the trumpet tune sampled for that Tubthumper song was Jeremiah Clark's Trumpet Voluntary, did you? Now don't say you don't learn anything here at ARN&R.]

Record Challenged

As an addendum to the article below, apparently a challenger has emerged to combat what he refers to as "the blasphemous and totally crap false records of Kirk James and Bill Chipotle." A Filip Le Pankakov wrote in to let us know that he achieved a new outdoor land speed record for getting completely pissed off and hating everyone at an amusement park in considerably quicker fashion than either of the two officially recognized leaders.

Says Le Pankakov, "That's totally bogus. Six minutes is nothing. I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and hated every single person there before I even entered the park. And I continued hating them all during my entire horrible day of overpriced goods, three-hour waits for coasters, incredible heat, and amazingly stupid employees and park visitors. The record should be mine, and it's a farce that it isn't being recognized."

Said S. Mathias Berger III, president of the International Consortium of Getting Pissed Off at Every Single Patron of an Amusement Park and Wanting to Strangle Them All With Your Bare Hands (ICGPOESPAPWSTAWYBH), "we have looked into Mr. Le Pankakov's claims, and unfortunately we did not have any official observers on-site. Without our trained staff being on hand to acknowledge a record-setting performance, we simply cannot accept this as the official record."

When queried by ARN&R, Berger agreed that it was possible for the record to be broken in the manner described by Le Pankakov. "We certainly can't count into the negatives to measure high levels of irritation achived in the parking lot," he said, "but in this case the timers would have begun right as he got through the security gate into the park proper. This could potentially result in a record in the mere seconds."

Berger further noted that the staff of his organization "would never be stupid enough to go to a Six Flags park on a Saturday in July, regardless of whether any records might or might not be broken," and therefore he had no clue why Le Pankakov would have expected any of them to be there to witness his stunning feat.

--JCK