Paul Hogan Relieved of Duty at Boomerang Bay

Officials at Paramount’s Great America in Santa Clara, California announced today that Paul Hogan has been asked to leave the park. In addition the Australian theming from the waterpark was removed.

Public Relations Director Mark Gazziele was closed-mouthed about the issue, but did issue a press release to ARN&R. It read:

“We at Paramount’s Great America are sorry to let Mr. Paul Hogan go. While we appreciated his efforts we felt he did not quiet understand the concepts of 'sobriety' and 'clothing' well enough to keep him on staff. In addition, our repeated requests for him to stop playing Midnight Oil and Men at Work in the waterpark were ignored. We wish Mr. Hogan the best of luck in his future endeavors.”

As of this morning the park still had Mr. Hogan on its website but said that his image will be gone shortly and all of his feces will be dredged from the kiddie pool.

When reached this morning, Mr. Hogan said nothing as he was passed out in a pile of his own sick.

ARN&R has learned that the drunken Australian often went around the waterpark holding his man unit in front of women saying, “Now this is a knife.” Apparently most of the guests did not take kindly to a throbbing Hogan while trying to play in the wave pool.

An announcement of the new theme is expected soon. Currently Thrillride.com’s “Wild Rumors” section is abuzz with rumors that the waterpark will be themed to “Police Academy 5 - Assignment Miami Beach." Enthusiasts are already calling it another creative gem for Paramount Parks.

--FMB

Park Visitor Confused by Strange Blue Tint to Sky

Rye Playland visitor Reggie Harrison, 41, was extremely confused by what he described as a "weird blue discoloration" to the sky during his visit to the park Sunday.

"It was pretty creepy," he told ARN&R. "Instead of the natural dark grey or jet black colors that everyone knows the sky should be, it was this freaky blue color. Sky blue, even. And there was this nasty yellow-orange thing up there shining down on us. What the f*ck as that thing? It was totally messed up and just was really scaring me. I actually called the local news station and they said some other people had called in about the terrifying blue color of the sky, and they would look into it."

Harrison also noted that the "soothing horizontal moisture" that he was accustomed to experiencing every single day of the entire 2004 summer was notably absent on Sunday, leading to his concern that drought might be imminent in much of the country.

--JCK

Six Flags Magic Mountain Suspends Service of Fugu Two Days After Debut
Casualty Count Still Unavailable

Food Etc., a food stand in the "Colossus County Fair" section of Six Flags Magic Mountain, has suspended service of fugu just two days after the fish's debut at the sushi stand there. Though no casualty count is confirmed, it's suspected that at least two people are dead after ingesting the tasty new delicacy.

Magic Mountain General Manager Del Holland had this to say:

"Anyone who knows Magic Mountain's quality of ride operations, food standards, and employee training easily knows the that our park has no negligent role in this tragedy." Holland stated, "There appears, actually, to be a problem with the supplier. Apparently, while they were supposed to deliver the rare and exotic delicacy of fugu to be served at our Food Etc. stand for the low and competitive price of $400 a plate, they instead delivered us an incredibly poisonous blowfish of some nature. Rest assured that this will work its way out in litigation, and we at Six Flags offer our deepest sympathies to all the victims of this erroneously-served food."

When it was explained to the General Manager that fugu is, in fact, an incredibly poisonous blowfish that requires a specially trained and licensed chef to prepare or else causes the painful death of anyone that ingests it, Mr. Holland paused to digest the information, then emitted the careful reply of "Oh shit."

--MOS

SLC Was Just a Practical Joke, Says Former Designer

The Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster, a design cloned at scores of amusement parks worldwide, was just a pratical joke, says a former designer at the firm.

"Yeah, I was just horsing around with the boys," indicated Theodore van Bentheusen, 50, a former employee at Vekoma. "We were all trying to come up with a ride, and kept getting stuck without any useful concepts, and it was getting pretty grim and depressing after a few weeks of that. I figured I'd lighten the mood by cracking funny, so I threw together some plans for this ridiculous thing I called an 'SLC' in about five minutes and submitted it to the rest of the design team."

"It was really an amazingly funny prank I played," said van Bentheusen. "Simply the most idiotic coaster design ever. Anyone who rode one of those things would come off with cranial damage so severe they wouldn't remember their own name! I was snickering openly the whole time I was writing the proposal, so I was very proud of myself for keeping a straight face when I turned it in. I mean, it was hilarious seeing the rest of the guys wasting hours thoughtfully poring over the designs for something no one would ever possibly want to build!"

Sadly, none of the rest of the design team or management at Vekoma noticed that van Bentheusen's SLC, now known affectionally by coaster enthusiasts as a "Hang 'n' Bang," was actually a practical joke. Instead, the company rushed the model into production, and dozens of eager park owners fell all over each other trying to buy one or more of the contraptions for their establishments.

"A couple years ago, I had this other really great idea for a prank to play," said a wistful van Bentheusen. "I figured it would be hysterical to submit a design for this ride where the passengers bend over, and then this long barbed pole gets rammed deep into their anus, and then they go zooming around on a high-speed, rough coaster course filled with inversions while supported only by that barbed pole shoved up their ass. But then I remembered how everyone took my last prank seriously, and I didn't want to be responsible for unleashing more pain on the world."

--JCK

Busch Gardens Tampa to Offer New Midway Game

Busch Gardens Tampa Bay announced yesterday that it would be opening a new combination attraction and midway game. The game, called "Hit the Alligator in the Head with a Donut," will be located where the alligators currently reside near the front of the park, and is being sponsored by Krispy Kreme.

"Everyone knows the alligators are completely unattended," said Busch spokesman Bruce McCulloch. "And since kids spend all day throwing turtle food and other foreign objects on the alligators' heads anyway, we figured we may as well make some money off it."

For $5, guests will now be able to receive 3 donuts which they may throw at the gators. If the guests are able to successfully hit the gators all three times, they will receive a prize of choice of either a tooth taken from a living alligator or an actual piece of alligator skin.

McCulloch further boasted the game continued BGT's parkwide goal of "creating animal attractions that are completely unattended by staff during the park day that showcase depressed, sickly looking animals in a dilapidated, unnatural, and poorly maintained surroundings."

10% of all proceeds, McCulloch concluded, will be donated to local animal shelters.

--MOS

SFOT Parking Signs to be Renamed

Six Flags Over Texas has recently made a commitment, as part of improving the guest experience, to rename the signs in their parking lot. The new signs, which will replace the letter/number system currently used by most Six Flags parks, are hoped to more accurately reflect the parking situation in the park that day.

The new names for the signs, in order of their proximity to the park, are:

Holy Shit, How Early Did You Wake Up, Freak!
Someone Got Lucky!
You're Not That Far Away
Well, Someone Woke Up A Half Hour Late!
Um... You're Kind of Far
Dude, You're Far Away
Dude, You're Very Far Away
Dude, You're Very, Very Far Away
Wow, You're Really Far Away
Hope Grandma Got A Wheelchair Handy!
Can You Even See the Park?

with the final, rather lengthy sign stating:

Are you sure you want to come to the park today? It's really, really crowded. Might we recommend you go to a ball game instead? It's actually closer to your car right now than the park.

--MOS

Amusement Park Detective At It Again

Brian Eggeland, 41, of Plonsky, Pennsylvania was overheard by this ARN&R reporter making a shocking discovery while at Cedar Point last weekend.

Eggeland was standing under what appeared to be rock in the passageway in Frontierland. However, Eggeland showed his family that looks in a theme park such as Cedar Point can, in fact, be quite deceiving.

"See?" said Eggeland, knocking loudly on the exterior. "It's hollow!" he cried, "Totally fake!" Eggeland's family's reaction to this amazing discovery ranged from complete disinterest from his children to moderate embarrassment from his wife.

The material in question, which looks indistinguishable from actual rock to many four-year-olds and the blind, was successfully debunked by Professor Eggeland, who would later on prove conclusively that Snoopy is, in fact, just some underpaid teenager in a suit and that Disaster Transport is not actually a trip either from or to Alaska.

--MOS

Legoland California Receives Unexpected Units

Tim Johanson, Legoland California’s General Manager, wasn’t sure what to make of his most recent shipment. Monday morning, his park got a truckload full of gigantic dildos. They were plastic penises of all sizes, some with balls and some with a simple shaft.

“I have never seen anything quite like a 4-foot penis,” Johanson said as he stood in awe. “I mean, that is just one gigantic pecker. Jesus, that’s big.”

After returning to his office Johanson tracked down the mix-up. In May he ordered additional theming supplies for the park’s new Dino Island section. The exhibit was to be called Dino-Rama, but apparently some sloppy note taking resulted in the arrival of sex apparel for a new Dildo-Rama section.

Tina Adams, one of the proprietors of Good Vibrations, a nationally known adult toy store, said she felt the order was a bit odd when she got the call from Roger Roberts, the head of the consulting group brought in by LegoLand. “I was wondering why a guy would call and talk about theming with me, but an order is an order. I can build dildos any size a customer needs. We just never thought we would mold a penis fit for Queen Kong. I thought about asking someone if we were doing the right thing, but since Southern California is the porn capital of the country I thought they were building a new kind of theme park.”

Back at Legoland Johanson tried to fit the dildos into the scenery. “We used them as palm trees, we made them into warriors’ spears and even created a stegosaurus out of dildos. Sure, it was fun to see kids playing on the ‘Dildosaurus’ but some of the parents got apprehensive. I guess they just don’t think a child speeding down a 10-foot dong is good wholesome fun. It’s not like they were in any danger -- the balls gently stopped the kids at the bottom of the slide.”

One of the most ingenious applications was turning an ejaculating penis into a Whitewater West Rain Fortress, but the park had to take it out because it only “poured water” once every few hours on a good day.

Despite the bizarre application the large one-eyed trouser snakes got some kudos from the amusement industry. The park won a Golden Ticket Award for “Best Use Of A Choad” and insightful industry veteran Paul Ruben called the display “simply breathtaking.”

Johanson looks forward to future installations but says he will watch over things with a closer eye. “I think we’ll have to be a little more careful with 2005’s new planned 4-d show ‘Fun With Felines,’” the tired GM said.

--FMB

Dark Ride Electrocuted Guy To Be Replaced

Dark ride manufacturers across the country announced yesterday that Electrocuted Guy, appearing in virtually every dark ride in the nation, will immediately be replaced by an animatronic Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA).

"Man, we watched that dude at the Republican National Convention, and he was just batshit crazy," said Sally Rides spokesman Mark Gaudio. "My dog was cowering in the corner whimpering and my eight-year-old hasn't slept in the 36 hours since the speech. He just keeps muttering, 'Those eyes! Those terrible eyes!'"

Gaudio said that Sally technicians were already hard at work with what he called "the most challenging stunt we've ever tackled." Among the difficulties are creating enough facial expressions to recreate Miller's complex facial contortions while ensuring that his hands do not move more than a centimeter. Gaudio confided that the company is considering adding slight bits of foam at the corners of Miller's mouth.

Miller, who as a nominal Democrat was considered a coup for the Republican convention, is also being considered by a number of companies that create Halloween events. "We're considering dumping Brutal Planet and just doing Zell Hell," said Six Flags spokeswoman Wendy Reidster. "Room after room of him. Especially if we have video of him back when he said John Kerry was an 'authentic hero' and 'a good friend' playing in the queue. That'll really mess with people!"

ARN&R was unable to confirm reports that Miller was in negotiations with Universal to become the new mascot for Halloween Horror Nights at the company's Orlando parks.

The Chain That Cried Wolf

In a unique twist, Six Flags executives have found their nuts swinging in the wind due to telling the truth.

“Ever since we bought Six Flags we have used ‘bad weather’ as an excuse for declining attendance,” said Kieran Burke, Six Flags CEO. “But this year it is true. A lot of parks have actually had rain...a lot of rain.”

Granted, Six Flags parks still have pay-to-cut programs, filthy bathrooms and rides that aren’t ready to open until 3 pm, but this year Mother Nature was a real bitch to the international amusement park chain.

“Nya, we have had a lot of water this year,” said Bugs Bunny, one of the chain’s contracted mascots. “All of the people using their twenty dollar season passes had a hard time coming to see me,” noted the waskily wabbit as he downed a fifth of Jack.

Burke said that every year the bad weather excuse has worked, but this year he very felt reluctant to whip it out again. “Our investors are pretty dumb, but I didn’t think they would buy the same excuse for yet another year,” he opined.

As this author writes, groups of General Mangers are creating new excuses for low attendance, such as:

- Herpes Spread by Toilets

- Roving White Suburban Gangs (That Listen to the Black Man’s Music)

- Fears That Al-Qaida Infiltrated the Falafel Stand

- Whores & Crack Addicts in the Gotham City Sewer System

Tempers and anxiety are rearing their ugly heads at the Oklahoma City headquarters. Empty packets of Immodium AD and Pepto-Bismol are strewn about on the floor and just last week two secretaries started bitch slapping one another for no apparent reason.

But Burke, holed away with his calculator and budgets, didn’t appear worried. He quietly said, “We’ve had no profits since we started this company. Why start now?”

--FMB