Relentless Protests Greet Kingda Ka Announcement

According to Six Flags Great Adventure representatives, all they wanted for next season was to open a blatant copy of another ride that works about ten percent of the time, except make it a little higher and give it shoulder restraints to make it excrutiatingly painful. They thought they had found that with Intamin's Kingda Ka, but SFGRAD has been deluged with a monumental storm of protest over the ride's name.

"It's bad enough that all these stupid coaster enthusiasts are already bitching that our new coaster will cause foot-deep bruises in their collarbones," said park rep Joseph Stallworth. "Now we're getting all sorts of other complaints just about the name of the ride!"

Among the protestors are various religious and cultural groups. Hindus have made known their displeasure with the inclusion of the word "Ka" in the ride's name, as "Ka," aside from being a word one can use to describe what cannot be properly described or expressed, is also the name of the Hindu god Brahma in one of his forms.

"They also complained that the only restaurant we planned to have open anywhere near the ride was our new Hindu-themed beef-on-a-stick place," Stallworth added. "What's up with that?"

Ancient Egyptians have also stepped forward to announce their disapproval. "The ka is a spirit double inside each person from the time they are born," said noteworthy former pharaoh Maatkara Hatshepsut. "Gods could possess them and offerings were made to them after the death of their host bodies. An amusement park that cheapens the meaning of the term 'ka' is just asking for a deadly curse. Don't f*** with the pharaoh, bitches."

Additionally, a group called the Dayton Area Korean Association (DAKA) sent several members to complain that Six Flags had stolen the name of their organization's leader. "I don't know about that one," said Stallworth. "I strongly doubt that an elected office-holder for a small organization is known as 'King' DAKA to anyone. 'President' or 'Chairman' or 'Bob' all seem more likely."

DAKA noted that it would continue to feature a webpage with an irritating pink "Welcome" traveling cursor until their message was heard by Six Flags officials.

Finally, Jiangyan City Kingda Co., Ltd. sent a letter informing Six Flags of its intention to file suit over a trademark infringement on its name. In a statement clearly drawn up by the Kingda Company's employee responsible for creating its online advertisement (featuring such information as "[o]ur factory is product needle roller bearings series, our quatity control system is is o9002. We coprate with college and technologic unit, well equipped with superior production equipment, perfect checkup and testing method."), Kingda Company notes that "Sex Flug useing are nem ill eagley we willtak yo to curt unit!"

Stallworth admitted that officials from both Six Flags, Inc., as well as from Great Adventure itself, would be holding emergency discussions about Kingda Ka and the protests early tomorrow morning. Although Stallworth refused to comment directly on the matter to ARN&R , there has been some speculation that the park will seek to stave off the massive wave of bad publicity and possible legal action by changing the name of the ride, in spite of any costs this might incur. Please stay tuned to ARN&R, as we will report on any further breaking Kingda Ka news as it develops.

--JCK/Grand Poobah

10 Month-Old Consultant Impresses Six Flags Board

In his tapioca-stained Elmo underoos, Chance Dixon, Jr. could pass for any other toddler. But when he crawls into the Six Flags boardroom...things are a little different.

Dixon’s capital expenditure choices continue to create waves. Widely credited for inspiring Hurricane Harbor by drooling on a Great America brochure, he seems to top himself with every move.

“Kingda Ka was the perfect name for our latest coaster!” raved Kieran Burke, pausing to check the tape on his own adult-sized diaper. “And the family attractions BlaLaLaa, Pfffffffft and Uh-oh Poopy will be sure-fire smash hits as well.”

“Hell, we don’t even know what rides they’ll be yet,” he continued, spoon-scraping strained peas from his own lower lip back into his mouth. “But we’ll toss a few manufacturer’s catalogs in front of him and uh, let the oddly moist Cheerios fall where they may.”

“Ooh!” continued Burke after grunting heavily. “I made a solid one this time!”

--CO

Enthusiast Suffers Nervous Breakdown

Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.  

While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly.  Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.  

"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school.  I really didn't understand any of it, or care.  It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."

When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game.  On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420!  3D!  450!  Atari!  120!  140!  I
don't know!"  Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.

Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.

--BS

Pinfari Begins New Ad Campaign

Inspired by the widely adored and supremely clever Coors "Cold Hard Facts" advertising blitz, roller coaster company Pinfari has begun a new campaign touting the frostiness of their company's products.

"Other companies heat pasteurize their kiddie coasters," bellows one ad. "But Pinfari frost brews their Big Apple ride at five degrees Kelvin to lock in whimsy and fun."

"Most companies ship their coasters in a warm truck or train," yells another. "But Pinfari refrigerates its trains and trucks to keep your RC-50 cold. Pinfari! The coolest coasters around."

"Much as Coors touts its supreme frostiness rather than its putrid, skunky taste and urine-like smell, Pinfari is seeking to highlight unusual and unimportant aspects of its coaster distribution process," noted one representative from Bolliger & Mabillard. "No one cares if Abita Turbodog, Newcastle, or Guinness are frost brewed because they don't taste like muskrat spraint. Similarly, no one cared whether Hulk was shipped in a giant tanker coated in ice. Real coaster companies don't need to come up with stupid gimmicks to push their product."

--JCK

Six Flags Magic Mountain Reveals X-Treme Ride Update

Los Angeles, CA: "It's the Russian Roulette of thrill rides!" say the promotional materials sent to the media.

The X-Treme X-perience of Thrill Shot at Six Flags Magic Mountain is about to get scarier. In an effort to attract more hardcore thrill seekers, the ride is being re-designed and will be launched in January 2005 as "Kill Shot."

"Plummeting downwards toward earth made you think you were going to hit the ground," said a Six Flags PR person at an exclusive press conference. "But in the back of riders' minds, they knew they were safe. What kind of extreme ride experience is that? With the addition of the fifth "death cycle" there is now a one-in-five chance that people will actually hit the ground and die." At the end of the press conference, none of the attending media wished to ride the new cycle.

Said the PR staffer, "You guys are a bunch of pussies."

--MMS/CSB

Hersheypark Fence-Removal Plan Draws Ire

Hersheypark has announced plans to remove an old wooden fence and replace it with a more modern steel fence. Upon hearing of the removal, several enthusiasts have written angry letters to the park and sparked many debates on internet message boards.

"I think it's disgraceful the way these parks are destroying the atmosphere of the classic amusement park. How many more fences will fall before the entire world is just full of fences with no character, no history? I know I will certainly be crying uncontrollably every time I pass by the fence's former site," said enthusiast Carl Tanner.

Other enthusiasts angrily posted on message boards from their easy chairs about the need to band together, and demand that the park maintain the old fence, rather than tear it out "for no apparent reason." The Wooden Fence Preservation Club has been formed in light of the incident.

When interviewed about the reaction, one Hersheypark official had this to say: "It's just a f***ing fence! We have ten coasters and someone's complaining about a fence?"Another park official mentioned that the fence was so old, the entire thing was falling down, and could have released a mudslide that would have blocked the entrance gate.

Tom Hough, who has never actually been to Hersheypark, has pledged to boycott the park until such time as two, or perhaps even three, fences of the same vintage are replaced at the park. "I just can't sit here and do nothing. I mean, really, is attendance going to be affected that much by having a steel fence instead of a wooden one? I have figures from seven different parks that put in wooden fences and saw bigger attendance jumps than those that put in steel." When it was pointed out that the "parks" were public parks and not amusement parks, Hough wet himself.

--BS

Rolucster Vare Good!

There are those who feel it isn't really nice when we make fun of children.

Our response? We aren't nice.

But, more importantly, when children create a website announcing such illuminating thoughts as "I MADE A ROLUCSTER IN CAMP" and "CAMP IS VARE GOOD I LIKE WEN WE DID THE ROLER COSTERE!" it's okay to make fun of children. Or, at the very least, the teachers who let them play with Borax and glue immediately before vainly attempting to write coherent sentences for a website (at least according to one writer on the webpage).

By the way, we're more than a little disturbed by one of the kids talking about how "I like the Fist Day." What the hell kind of camp is this, anyway?

Thus, our Site O' the Weak: BETR Kids Science Camp Newsletter.

--JCK

Geauga Lake Plans New Ride For 2005 Near "The Dominator"

Geauga Lake has given ARN&R a sneak peek at the plans for their new ride in 2005. Called "The Submissive," this underground ride is a combination dark and water ride, with guests inhabiting a flume-like boat. With a taboo-breaking, state of the art, restraint system and some of the most extensive theming in Ohio since the Tombraider ride at Paramount's Kings Island, "The Submissive" will be quite a challenge for the manufacturer, Sally Interactive.

One of the most interesting elements of this ride will be its location. In one of the most novel ride installations in memory, "The Submissive" will be laid underneath "The Dominator," and will be almost entirely underground, with various small sections rising up to intersect with the 200-foot B&M floorless. John Kinzle, ride engineer at Sally Interactive, spoke to ARN&R about how the 2 rides will interact.

"We hope for 'The Dominator' to enter 'The Submissive' as many times as physically possible. During its course, we'd like to make it so that 'The Dominator' enters 'The Submissive' in many different ways, including the rear (of the station) and the mouth (of the tunnel)."

"The Submissive's" plans also include being penetrated by other nearby rides, but mainly "The Submissive's" plans deal with multiple penetrations by "The Dominator."

Kinzel is also hopeful about the progress of construction. "We've broken ground on numerous other rides in Ohio without incident, so we feel it's going to be extremely quick and easy to break "The Submissive."

Stay tuned to ARN&R for more details on this fascinating new ride.

--MOS

SFOG Finds New Ways To Infuriate Guests, Cleverly Foiling "Stop Infuriating Park Guests" Corporate Memo

With the park season winding down, it's time at Six Flags corporate headquarters to reward those parks that have gone "above and beyond" in the pursuit of alienating customers. In this tight and competitive race, Six Flags Over Georgia makes their pitch in this verbatim transcript of a high-level meeting:

"Well, in a nutshell, it was tough to alienate people this year," reports SFOG's General Manager Tim Davis. "A corporate memo came out at the start of the season explicitly telling us not to infuriate or annoy our guests. Not only that, but it listed in the memo numerous practices long held dear at Six Flags parks that were now banned. Practices like employees spitting on guests, paying children to throw rocks at passing coasters, encouraging rampant line cutting, permitting metric tons of feces to collect in the bathrooms without cleaning them, and, of course, our favorite, running single train operation on coasters when the park is at 80% capacity or below. These were all now banned behaviors."

"With that memo specifically telling us not to run single train operation, a lot of us in the SFOG head office were quite concerned as to how to properly annoy our guests with our hands tied like this. Thank God, Jim Brewer in maintenance had a solution."

"What Jim pointed out, and I’m still awestruck by his brilliance, was that the memo demanded we run multi-train operation, but said nothing about the train having to be occupied."

"So, we immediately implemented a rule -– whenever a coaster was in danger of not having a line, operators should immediately begin dispatching one train empty. Ride operators should continue doing this until the park closes, reassuring our guests that at SFOG, you can always be guaranteed of a line that leaves the station."

"But wait! Here’s the kicker! We then gave our employees a list of reasons that were completely absurd as to why we do this. We ask the employee to choose his own favorite, or just switch 'em around as the day progresses. The reasons are completely different, but share one element in common -– they make absolutely no sense."

Reasons employees were instructed to give out included:

• "If we don’t do this, the ride won’t have a line."
• "I dunno."
• "I just do what my boss tells me."
• "They don’t want trains to stack."
• "It’s better for the coaster this way."

Davis concluded, "So, thanks to a last minute save, we were able to continue infuriating guests."

Asked what SFOG would do if their ingenious practice was included in the next "Stop Infuriating Park Guests" corporate memo, Davis replied, "I’ll be honest with you. I’m not sure. But rest assured we’ll figure out something. We have a creative team, and we’re dedicated to doing whatever it takes to annoy a substantial amount of our customers every year."

--MOS

Enthusiast Haiku
An ARN&R Exclusive

Robert Johnson, an avid coaster enthusiast who posts as GForcejin on CoasterBuzz, will be releasing a self-published book of haiku poems concerning being a roller coaster enthusiast. The book is to be available via the third or fourth pop-up ads on both CoasterBuzz and Screamscape at the end of this month.  Additionally, visitors to Ultimate Rollercoaster will, for their convenience, have the book automatically ordered for them and placed on their credit card via spyware.

Johnson has been kind enough to give ARN&R a preview of the work, titled Screaming in 5-7-5, the Ups and Downs of a Coaster Fanatic.  Johnson recently sat down with ARN&R and explained why this project is so special to him.  “What has made this project so magical is that it combines three of my greatest passions -- exhibiting the misery of my tortured soul, my love of complaining about amusement parks, and my mildly creepy obsession with everything Japanese.”

Here’s a preview of some selected haiku:

Six Flags Refreshment
Thirsty, so thirsty
Where are the water fountains?
Soda?  $4.50

Magic Mountain
Miles of concrete hell
Ride operators don’t care
If I live or die

Millenium Force
This slack rule be damned!
My kingdom for just an inch!
“No,” replies my gut.

--MOS