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Six Flags to Eliminate Coasters, Add Football

In a bold attempt to increase slacking park attendance, Six Flags announced yesterday that it will substitute football for its roller coasters.

"Statistics have proven fans are more willing to wait through an hours-long football game rather than up to 120 minutes for a two-minute thrill ride," claims park chain spokesperson Walt Favre. "We plan to build between 3 and 4 stadiums per park -- think about the cash flow we'll have coming in when we fill those babies up!"

Favre also points out that guests would be able to take bathroom breaks or get refreshments and not lose their place during a game, unlike the strict linejumping rules at the current ride-oriented parks. Throughout football's off season, SF parks would re-create famous Super Bowl moments with more elaborate half-time shows.

While player injuries are expected, guest injuries are predicted to be drastically reduced. And the thrills won't be reduced: "There are quite a bit more ups and downs as well as turnovers in a football game."

Six Flags fan Bianca Williams thrills over the idea. "Imagine, visiting a theme park and then seeing replays all day long on ESPN. You cannot do that with a roller coaster."

-- RAS