Saturday, December 07, 2002

SFKK Reps Announce New Coaster, Keep Straight Faces

At a press conference Friday, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom management announced the park’s new coaster. "Greezed Lightnin' will amaze and thrill guests with its ability to blast riders out of the coaster station at a lightnin'-fast rate of speed", said Lee Graham, vice-president and general manager of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Managing to retain his composure despite nearly being reduced to fits of giggling, he added, "This powerful coaster is sure to generate excitement among coaster fans from all around the world."

Graham failed to mention that the “incredible new coaster thrill attraction” was actually a well-beaten, decades-old shuttle loop coaster that had run as the Tidal Wave at Six Flags Great America (1978-1991) and as Viper at Six Flags Over Georgia (1995-2001). He also neglected to inform his audience that the “innovative catapult mechanism that propels the coaster from zero to 60 miles per hour” was a mid-1970s innovation, and that it was attached to a ride that barely qualifies as a coaster, merely going through a loop once forward and once backward. He did, however, successfully stifle several potentially embarrassing guffaws with well-placed coughing fits.

Following the press conference, Lee Graham was seen collapsing with gales of laughter against SFKK Media Rep Amy Ballard-Riley, who was slapping her knee and visibly weeping tears of joy.

“How the hell did you keep from cracking up when you made that announcement?” reporters heard Graham shriek, mere instants before she crumpled to the ground in hysterical amusement.


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