Enthusiasts Not So Enthusiastic

As this season opens for many theme parks, enthusiasts are not so enthusiastic over this year's offerings.

"Heck," states teen enthusiast Brent Bittlespoon, "the only truly exciting ride to come along is Top Thrill Dragster, and I envision lines so long one would not expect to ride the thing until late 2004."

Michael McGowen concurs, "Very few parks are offering new rides and, due to the fact my computer is still running Windows 95 and cannot accommodate RollerCoaster Tycoon, I am just too tired from masturbating to care whether Scream is a scream or not."

"I could see traveling the few extra miles to King's Dominion if they offered a new buffet-style restaurant this season," mumbled Cynthia Hogsworth, "but all they got is a new Drop Tower...How booooooring."

So many enthusiasts around the country are grumbling over the lackluster 2003 season, many parks are considering canceling the season altogether and jumping right in to the 2004 season.

"This would be fantastic!" Exclaimed ARN&Rs JCK. "It would mean the opening of such rides as DCA's Tower of Terror, just to name one."

The 2003 season was so poorly planned that Six Flags's brochures include not one smiling face among the batch. "It was difficult enough to get weary park patrons willing enough to sign over their rights just to pose for the pics, nevermind smile for them," claimed SF park representative Marlene Hamper-Tertertitio. "We just hope the opening of Six Flags New Orleans will make up for the lost profits from all our 34 other parks."

Busch Gardens' parks are going to rely on new flowers and shrubs to draw new crowds. Paramount execs will pray for a new hit film they can base an attraction on before season's end. Universal plans nothing but cutbacks. And, once again, Disney representatives had no comment.

--RAS

Tomahawk Strikes Downtown Baghdad

United States armed forces continued their assault on Iraq today by unleashing a Tomahawk on downtown Baghdad, military sources tell ARN&R. The weapon was dropped by a B-52 bomber at 9:15 this morning, Baghdad time.

"This will demoralize the Iraqi resistance and result in a swifter, more resounding victory by our coalition," stated Marine General Peter Pace. "After the shock and awe of our satellite-guided munitions, the Iraqi leadership will be further thrown into turmoil by the dread appaearance of this Huss Frisbee previously located at Six Flags New England. This ride is able to unleash tremendously destructive nausea and fear in those who come near it, and we feel certain a capitulation by the Iraqi regime will now be imminent."

Puzzled Baghdad residents studied the remains of the Tomahawk after it crashed outside a grocery store on the eastern edge of the Iraqi city. "Too bad it's all smashed up," stated Said Dar, 34. "It looks like it might have been pretty darn fun to ride this hideous implement of filthy American imperialism."

Six Flags New England management issued a terse statement that "whoever stole our new twist on an old favorite better give it back. How are our suckers...I mean customers...going to hop in and take a whirlwind spin through an African wonderland? Or do it again ... backwards? Surely the United States military could further the humiliation and terror of Iraq by dropping some Vekoma coasters on them instead. We've got plenty to spare."

--JCK

Video Rentals Causing Relationship Problems

Last night, Amanda Ross decided to get back at her boyfriend, Rob Helton, sources close to the couple report. Ross has, according to these sources, "gotten totally sick of the stupid movies Rob brings home and makes [Ross] watch all the time, just because they have roller coasters in them somewhere."

"I've reached the breaking point," Ross told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "It started off with me being a dutiful girlfriend and trying to humor him. He was whining and bitching constantly for the last few months about how he couldn't ride any coasters, and he could only read ARN&R so many times per day without getting bored. So I suggested that we rent some videos that had roller coasters in them every week, and that way we could both spend time together, and he could see some roller coasters in action and be less grumpy all the time. I thought it was a pretty nice thing to do, since I can't stand roller coasters, but my little plan backfired. I probably should have just kicked him out of the apartment instead."

Ross went on to reveal the details of her disastrous attempt to coddle a lifelong coaster junkie. "I was even nice enough to let him pick the flicks out," she said. "Then, to my horror, I was subjected to a never-ending stream of garbage movies. First, we had to watch that horrid House on Haunted Hill, which had some neat footage of the Hulk roller coaster and tons of brain-crushingly stupid dialogue and bad special effects. Then Rob tormented me with Night at the Roxbury. Rob loved it because it had a brief shot of that dumb coaster on a pier in California. I was more concerned with the fact that I was cranially assaulted by one of the least funny movies ever made, as well as by the highly unattractive asses of Chris Katann and Will Ferrell. I also had the immense pleasure of sitting through the Sting II and some breathtaking movie involving a gorilla hopping around on a wooden roller coaster while being shot at. King Kong Gets a Woodie, or something. I forget the actual name."

The final straw, according to Ross, was with Helton's most recent choice of cinematic exploration. "I officially couldn't take it anymore after last night," she stated. "I was waffling about allowing this movie-watching to continue, but the bastard tricked me. He said he'd get a really artsy-fartsy flick instead of the Hollywood trash he'd been bringing home. He told me he knew of this little Sundance-type independent art film called The Center of the World, which featured two people exploring the nature of power and their inability to communicate functionally in today's society. Being an idiot, I caved and let him rent it. Well, for those of you out there who were not aware of this, let me be the first to tell you: The Center of the World has five minutes of Manhatten Express footage, and the rest of the movie consists entirely of Molly Parker getting f*%$*ed by a hairy guy."

Ross paused for a moment, then added, "oh wait, I forgot something. Sorry. Forgive me for not mentioning the five minutes where Molly Parker does that thing with the hot sauce and the ice cube to the hairy guy's butt. I stand corrected."

Sources tell ARN&R that Ross has devious plans for revenge against her boyfriend. According to witnesses, Ross told Helton that she would only watch coaster movies with him if she could pick them out, a statement to which he reluctantly agreed. ARN&R undercover reporters spotted Ross leaving the video store with copies of The Lost Boys and Titanic today.

"That's one brutal vendetta the young lady's got," said one bystander. "I'd hate to be him tonight."

--JCK

Enthusiasts File Suit Against Academy

In a late and shocking move, a splinter group of the American Coaster Enthusiasts filed suit today against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for a recent rule change in the judging of Academy Awards. The lawsuit, filed in federal district court in Los Angeles, seeks unspecified monetary damages as well as a court order requiring a new election for the recent Oscars.

"The fascists running the Academy Awards changed the rules this year to exclude any on-ride footage," stated enthusiast and attorney Joe Aldridge, representing the group. "This rule is enforced whether or not the video was obtained legitimately, and means that the Oscar voters were prevented from voting for dozens of high-quality videos produced for upwards of fifteen dollars, simply because they contained on-ride footage. It's an outrage."

Aldridge said that his clients were particularly outraged that Robb Alvey's well-known videos were not eligible for Oscar consideration. "You can bet that if Miramax was the distributor, instead of, um, Robb sitting in his garage, that rule would be changed in a second. But instead, the people of America are forced to believe that the best movies of the past year were made with things like plot, and writing, and acting, and stupid things like that. It's ridiculous. Have you seen his 2002 season video? It's awesome! I don't want to get too detailed, but that video from Puyallup Fair made me want to pull something else up, know what I mean?" Aldridge then giggled for a full thirty seconds.

Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS, told ARN&R that he was still sleeping off the Vanity Fair after-party and to go to hell.

Park Enthusiasts Participate in Peace Rally

A rare sight was viewed today by the citizens of Boston, as park enthusiasts Gary Baker, 46, and Randolph Purvis, 33, were seen attending an peace rally near Cambridge. Many societal experts believed such a scene was impossible, stating that “these coaster lovers and ride aficionados basically never seem to notice anything going on in the world beside who is building what ride for the next season.”

Baker and Purvis were seen marching for much of the afternoon amongst a large group of protestors, many of whom carried signs reading “Support Our Troops By Bringing Them Home” and “Impeach Bush.” Counter-protestors across the street waved American flags and held up signs supporting the U.S. President.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Baker was overheard to say, after standing amid the protestors for approximately three hours. “Why do these people keep talking about some place called Iraq? Is something going on there? I thought we were coming to protest the developers that forced Whalom Park to shut down.”

Added Purvis, “This is a total crock. Iraq doesn’t even have any coasters. What the hell are these people yelling about? I’m going home and have my mom make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”

“We thought it was a little weird that these two scruffy-looking middle-aged dudes were marching with us wearing ‘F&*% Gerstlauer’ T-shirts,” said protestor Annette Li, 21. “They didn’t seem to be aware of major international figures like George Bush and Saddam Hussein, but, then again, they were yelling about how huge corporations were destroying the world, so we thought there could be a slight chance that they were at the protest they thought they were. I guess we were wrong, though. And they mainly seemed mad that we weren’t offering any ERT after the march, whatever that is.”


--JCK

Protesters Plan to Picket "Anti-Americanism" at Great Escape

Several protesters from the Young Americans for Freedom, the same group that was televised pouring French wine down sewers in New York City, have taken their outrage north. This weekend they plan to picket in front of The Great Escape theme park in Lake George, New York.

The group's leader, Sam Golland, expressed his outrage to ARN&R. "I am sick and tired of theme parks supporting the countries that don't support us!" he snarled. "This park has a roller coaster collection almost full of imports."

Phil Thomas, who splits his time between activism in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, obsessively reading coaster-oriented websites, and reading the Drudge Report, apparently turned Golland on to the situation. Thomas said, "If you look at the line-up in that park you know they're not buying American. The Alpine Bobsled is Swiss, the Boomerang is Dutch, the Nightmare is German and the Comet is a Canadian import. The only ride we feel they should run is the Steamin' Demon because that was made
right here in the U.S.A."

General Manager John Collins did not know what to make of the allegations. "Wait a second," he said. "They want us to run only the Steamin' Demon, an Arrow looping coaster? They can't be serious. Is this a joke?"

In a confrontation outside the parking attendant's booth Thomas and Golland assured the park official that the group stood firm in their beliefs. Thomas said, "You are either with us or against us. Those coasters must not run so we can protect our national interest. Might as well put a Hussein Presidential Palace in Storytown." He added, "We better not see that Huss Condor or Rainbow running, either."

Park officials later told ARN&R that the protests had not made them count out buying a Reverchon flume for the 2004 season.

Six Flags Eagerly Anticipates Another Year of Losing Money

The turnstiles are spinning, the gates have opened and patrons from around the world are visiting one of over forty Six Flags theme parks near them. But this year, there is a strange excitement flowing through the halls of the corporate office in Oklahoma City; it is the anticipation of another record-breaking year. However, this corporation celebrates a unique economic principle --- they are a loss leader.

"We didn't just come to this position without some hard work and determination," said Gary Story, president and COO of Six Flags. "We strove to ensure that for another year in a row our debt has been pushed back, our overall losses grew and prospects look dim for almost every park."

General Managers around the country have gotten ready for what looks to be another disappointing season in sales. Del Holland of Six Flags Magic Mountain commented, "Well, instead of adding an attraction that would attract families, we wanted something almost identical to what we already had 15 of --- a roller coaster."

When asked by ARN&R why SFMM had not looked at a "flat ride" or "dark ride," such as the successful Scooby Doo attraction drawing guests at sister parks, Holland said, "What's a flat ride? That doesn't sound Xtreme!" He continued, "We know that sending riders upside down seven times will be like nothing they have ever done before. Unless, of course, they have ridden Viper . . . or X."

Some of the competition is surprised at Six Flags's approach to corporate management. "Frankly, we can't see where they get all this money," said Dick Kinzel, President & CEO of Cedar Fair. "They lose capital every year, yet the banks seem willing to supply them with an endless supply of cash." When asked if he had considered deficit spending Kinzel said, "Well, we would have liked to have gotten our new 25 million-dollar coaster for free, but somehow that just didn't seem possible. I guess our investors are just different from Six Flags's in that they demand a profit each year and that we pay off our long-term debt, or at least that we have some semblance of a plan, however half-baked, to be profitable. They're real sticklers like that."

Six Flags Chairman and CEO Kieran E. Burke told ARN&R about some of the exciting things the chain had up its sleeves for the coming season. "We have added special machines that create storm clouds above our parks," he said. "So, while it is sunny at Cedar Point, it will be hailing over Worlds of Adventure and if the sun shines over Disneyland you can be sure it will be raining above Magic Mountain. It is just shows that extra step Six Flags goes to to ensure that fewer people come through our gates than the competition. We chose Kentucky Kingdom and Frontier City as the ideal Six Flags properties and are molding our other parks around the cleanliness, service and staff training programs they utilize. For example, our employees will urinate on the floors of every water park restroom every morning even if patrons have not done so, and on certain 'bonus days' they'll defecate too! All of this will guarantee that Six Flags makes even less money in 2003. That's our promise to both our financial backers and customers."

Six Flags investors could not be reached for comment.

--Anon.

Enthusiast's Wife Sighs Audibly

According to reliable eyewitnesses, Lili Chenowith, 34, sighed audibly this evening. At the time, Chenowith was standing in front of her husband Nate's "Coaster Shrine," which consists of dozens of amusement park postcards, books, onboard ride photos, videos, toothpick sculptures, and merchandise from the Absolutely Reliable Online Shoppe. Confirmation as to whether the sigh was directed at the items themselves, or was in regards to something else, could not be ascertained by ARN&R. However, Chenowith was also seen shaking her head each time she passed the shrine during the afternoon, lending credence to experts' belief that the sigh is indeed a direct response to her husband's collection.

Nate Chenowith himself could not be reached for comment on the matter. According to friends, he is currently in the midst of a three week Coaster-Looking-At Tour, during which he drives to twelve different states to view coasters from the road while imaging how cool they will be to experience on his three week Coaster Riding Spectacular in June.

--JCK

ARN&R Nominated for Site of the Year, Promises to Stop Making Fun of CoasterBuzz Members

ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.

In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan --falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."

The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."

Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.

Rollercoaster Magazine Eaten by Cat

Many members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts have been puzzled by the failure of the fall issue of Rollercoaster Magazine to appear, sources tell ARN&R. The same sources also claim, though these claims have not been verified, that quite a few enthusiasts are also wondering where the hell their winter and perhaps even spring issues might be. ARN&R is proud to be the first online or print publication to announce where, indeed, the hell these issues are. ACE insiders inform us that, surprisingly, the fall and winter Rollercoaster Magazine issues were eaten by the cat. Literally.

"Rollercoaster Magazine was eaten by my cat," said editor Tom Rhodes. "Really. Princess Arjumand snuck into the ACE offices and ate every single scrap of every magazine the staff had labored over all these long months. I guess we'll have to start from scratch, so to speak."

"It's amazing how much one cat can eat," noted ACE president Carole Sanderson. "Boy, could that kitty pack it on. We might give her an honorary ACE membership, considering how much raw tonnage she can chow down. However, the more pressing concern right now is how to get the fall issue out on time. We'll just have to do our best and hope that feral rabbit that hangs around outside the ACE Outhouse Headquarters in Kansas doesn't poop all over it. ACE members must remain united in this time of turmoil."

Sanderson later added that "members need to be sure to renew their ACE memberships promptly, or they won't receive their magazines in the timely manner ACErs have become accustomed to."

--JCK

Awful Grammar and Virulent Anti-ARN&R Sentiment Brilliantly Combined

ARN&R is pleased to announce that our humble little blog has again created violent irritation at the profoundly exceptional and influential ThemeParkCritic website. Amongst the amusing rants is Mrceagle's commentary, a piece of poetry, sculpture, and linguistic splendor so breathtaking in its power and comprehensible grammar that the feeble human mind can hardly be expected to grasp its genius. This icon of brilliant modern writing has been placed in its own category of supergenius-level thought by leading German philosophers and artists, who have labeled Mrceagle as the founder and hero of the Gesamtscheißewerk movement. Here is the gorgeous flowery verse, written (we think) in Farsi, Sanskrit, or Punjabi, exactly as it appears at ThemeParkCritic:

"obiasly someone has to much time on their hands. not to mention that they arn't reative enuf to rumer a resanable ride or one that you would lafe at. every one of tei atracions mentined ina deferant park would have sounded a little more realistic. same bull we had on UFH last year."

Take a deep breath, enjoy the sublime beauty of this moment in your lives, and then read the entire thread here.

Petting Zoo Goat Runs Amuck

Wild Adventures, a medium-sized theme park in Valdosta, Georgia, was devastated today by the antics of an out-of-control goat. The deranged member of the Capra genus has thrown the small community into an uproar seldom seen outside Valdosta State University football games and bumper surfing matches.

The goat, known to park employees as "Sam Barber," began his outrageous shenanigans by surprising 7-year-old Michael Torke from behind and stealing his ice cream cone. "The bad goat ate my ice cream!" wailed the child. He further elaborated that "then it tried to eat me!"

While experts dismiss the comments of Torke as a severe exaggeration of the truth, pointing out that goats are not carnivorous, the boy's mother did note that "the horrible little creature stole my child's food, and subsequently chased him into some goat s&*%. Now he's traumatized and keeps thinking small hoofed animals are going to chew on his succulent flesh. Also, it's not going to fun trying to clean all that goat s#%&* off his Zips."

Others were terrorized by the deadly animal throughout the day. "I was trying to give one of the sheep a pat on the head, and he kept glaring at me and scooting away," said coaster enthusiast Paul Creston, 46. "Maybe he'd had a bad experience with enthusiasts before...I think some of the ACE members at the park event here this January tried to catch and roast one of those sheep for lunch, maybe. Anyway, I was so distracted trying to pet the sheep that I didn't notice that filthy goat sneaking up, and he ate half of my precious Rampage T-shirt before I escaped. That thing should be taken out of the pen and shot."

Creston noted that "at least four or five other people had clothes torn apart and partially ingested by that thing, just during the time I was near the petting zoo."

"Now people are beginning to witness what happens when humans humiliate and enslave our happy mammalian friends," said Gordon Beeferman of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "This intelligent, beautiful creature has been forced to live in a big, wide pen getting stuffed with tasty morsels of food every day of his life. It's demeaning and horrifying, and we support this goat's assaults on disgusting humans who are taking advantage of him. Eat those shirts, Sam! Trick the human monsters into stepping on your goat poo! Gore those bastards on your horns!"

Beeferman then added, "ooooh, is that barbecue I smell? Mmmmmmmm....dang, that looks yummy. Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Yes, ma'am. Two platters, and don't skimp on the white meat. Of course I'm going to finish both plates myself."

Wild Adventures released a terse statement to the media, saying that "all patrons are warned about the possibility of goat naughtiness, and that people who pet the animals need to watch out for themselves that the their ice cream and stupid coaster shirts are not being chewed upon by hoofed barnyard creatures."

--JCK

Helen Hunt Declines Yet Another CoasterCon Guest Appearance

The thousands of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were crestfallen to learn this week that actress Helen Hunt had turned down yet another offer to speak at an ACE Coaster Convention, refusing to be a part of the festivities this summer at Paramount King's Dominion and Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Hunt is a particularly favorite actress with coaster enthusiasts, based on her acting ability, perky breasts, and, primarily, her extremely small role in the rather piss-poor movie Rollercoaster.

"Obviously, we are upset," stated events director Gary Baker. "We felt Ms. Hunt would be an excellent addition to the festivities at the CoasterCon this season. She would be a fine keynote speaker at the banquet, and we could raffle off some rides with her in the front seat of of Rebel Yell and raise tons of bread. Sadly, we'll now have to come up with other options."

Hunt, who as a twelve year old had about 10 lines in the 70's stink bomb about a terrorist who blows up amusement rides, was also asked to attend the Con last summer at Magic Mountain, but declined. This came as a total shock to new ACE executives, who felt that Hunt would jump at the chance to see a private screening of Rollercoaster and answer questions from morons bloated on pounds of cheap buffet. Long term ACE insiders reluctantly admit to ARN&R that Hunt has actually politely declined an invitation to appear and speak at every official ACE function since 1990.

An agent of Hunt's released the following statement to the media: "While Helen is pleased to be recognized for her work in all of her films and television shows, she wishes ACE would come to its senses and perhaps even get a life. No one else really cares about her minor child role in a laughably stupid movie decades ago. Helen makes millions of dollars, and does not need to take a 500 dollar appearance fee to lecture a bunch of geeks about something she barely remembers. Also, she would prefer not to be fondled by all the horny teens who are reputed to be abundant at these enthusiast gatherings. Eventually, Helen's career will deteriorate to the point where she will have to act in reprehensible garbage like Pay it Forward on a regular basis instead of once in a while, and at that point she may need to take some invitations to speak with some groups or what not. Until that point, forget it."

The agent added, "and no, Helen would not like to date any enthusiast, nor would she like to receive any more detailed lists of favorite stand up and suspended coasters from any of you people."

The revised list of potential speakers at the upcoming Coastercon now consists of the AFLAC duck, Florence Henderson, David Arquette, some stinking drunk Vekoma designers, and, of course, Carrot Top. Reaction from ACE members is reportedly mixed, as many members prefer Jessica Alba. Sadly, ARN&R reportedly has the young lass under an exclusive contract for the next several years of coaster functions, so ACE members may be required to brace themselves for the cretin hijinks of a washed up 1-800-CALL-ATT spokesman of some sort instead.

--JCK

Hey! Aren't You Bozos Supposed To Be On Hiatus Or Something?

Literally pairs of enthusiasts rejoiced this week as they realized that the flow of useless information pouring forth from the great minds at ARN&R had slowed, but had not come to a crashing standstill, as previously advertised and feared. Indeed, many irritated amusement industry experts are reportedly quite put out that ARN&R has managed to continue its cuddling and ass kissing of the amusement industry, as always.

Rumor has it that some of the ARN&R staff has been particularly noble this week, what with more than one of them taking time out from their busy out of state work schedules to contribute a piece here and there. Rumor has it that one staff member even managed to publish articles using a piece of crap, worthless, filthy pile of garbage borrowed IMac, even though the Blog buttons do not appear on OS operating systems, forcing him to learn a few crude lines of html code in order to please his throngs of worshipful minions. All 5 or 6 of them, anyway. These rumors cannot be confirmed at this time.

United Nations Deploys Coaster Enthusiasts to Iraq

The United Nations today made the unusual move of deploying hundreds of international coaster enthusiasts to Iraq. With the possibility of war between the United States and Iraq looming over the issue of arms inspections in the latter country, United Nations representatives were hopeful that their drastic maneuver might yet save lives and avert catastrophe.

"We simply must have more conclusive weapons inspections," stated Burkina Lombasa, a United Nations delegate from the nation of Southwestern North Upper Faso Volta. "We are willing to do anything possible to continue negotiations and prevent civilian casualties in a terrible war. With this new maneuver, Operation Dumbo Drop, we have littered the Iraqi landscape with several hundred rabid coaster enthusiasts from various nations."

When queried as to how these enthusiasts, legendary among the world's populace and their own frustrated families for not caring or having any knowledge of anything on the planet not directly related to amusement parks, would help avert global annihilation, Lombasa smiled and said, "we're going to have these enthusiasts search out Iraqi weapons for us. Have you seen any of these freaks in action? Why, last year, on my Midwestern coaster vacation with my ECC buddies, I saw enthusiasts doing the craziest things to get photos and documentation of new amusements in their favorite parks. One Ohio enthusiast drove the highways of his hime state for 3 straight weeks with breaks only for restrooms and mashed potatoes with extra gravy, just so he could get pictures of track coming for Top Thrill Dragster. I hear one of these ACE members spent a month freezing in a pup tent outside Six Flags New England just in the hopes of confirming which sort of crappy, lame flat ride would be added this season. Is anyone going to tell me these wankers can't sniff out Saddam Hussein's private stash? Now, we did have to fib a bit to get these enthusiasts searching Saddam's secret warehouses, so we just told them all that Iraq was building some cool-ass coasters called The Chemical Warhead, the SCUD, and the Weapon of Mass Destruction. You'll see. They'll find them within minutes."

President Bush was quoted as saying that "we were really hoping we couldn't find any biologicalistic or nucyular weapons in Iraq so we could bomb them back to the Stone Age, under the asssumption these weaponries were still there somewhere. If these coaster enthusiastics can find Saddam's Storehouse of Evil, then that's great. We'll just bomb the crap out of Finland or Djibouti or something instead."

--JCK

Hot Rerun Action

Just to horrify as many people as possible during our slow update period the next couple of weeks, we might as well leave the front page with the most wholesome family value-based article we've churned out recently.

Roller Coaster Tycoon Passes Masturbation As Favorite Enthusiast Leisure-Time Activity


Stunning news erupted from ACE News in its latest edition, as the magazine published its yearly survey of favorite leisure-time activities for enthusiasts left hanging by their inability to find any winter coaster riding. For the first time in the storied history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the top activity proved to be something besides masturbation. Roller Coaster Tycoon took the honors this season; although the popular game had been the second most popular activity three times, and third most popular once, it finally spurted its way to the top with the release of an all-new game edition last year.


“It’s about time Tycoon got first place,” stated Buster Hyman, 34. “Every enthusiast I know likes to bop the bologna or burp the one-eyed gecko once in a while…well, more like 5 or 6 times in a while…but most enthusiasts play nine or ten hours of RCT every day and waste another three hours mailing their creations to other enthusiasts. I bet not many enthusiasts spend more than two hours a day, tops, giving their weasels the Heimlich.”


Jack Meoff, 19, confirmed this analysis. “I stayed up for three days straight trying to win Whispering Cliffs, and then I slept through all my classes and got detention. So obviously Tycoon takes up more of my spare time than tenderizing the tube steak. I probably only worked the self service pump four or five times during that scenario, and half of them were just cause I got excited by the new pictures of Top Thrill Dragster I saw!”


Not all enthusiasts believe RCT coming out on top is correct, however. “This is obscene!” ejaculated Mike Hunt, 20. “How could Roller Coaster Tycoon take first prize? Every enthusiast I know badgers their witnesses way more than they play that silly game. Why, just yesterday, for instance, I worked on Big Pier for only about an hour, then worked on my Big Pier for twice that long. Don’t tell me there are actually any ACErs out there who actually enjoy figuring out charges for onride photos and fried chicken more than they like to make their pet llama spit. I don’t buy it!”


Medical experts support the evidence issued forth by the magazine survey. “For years, we’ve been seeing all sorts of repetitive-stress disorders amongst enthusiasts,” claims Michael Fittipaldi, a Syracuse-based doctor. “Carpal tunnel, tendonitis, RSS, knotted forearm muscles, palm paralysis…you name it. It’s nearly of epidemic proportions. However, there was a notable change this year in one aspect of these all-too-common injuries. Normally, all the weak elbows and cramped wrists are accompanied by calloused palms, but this year we have noted a distinct shift toward damaged skin and bone right at the base of the index fingers, an injury more consistent with excessive mouse clicking than with warming up the altar boy’s lunch. I feel it’s quite likely that Roller Coaster Tycoon has really passed shuckin’ the sweet corn as the top winter activity of enthusiasts.”


The full list of prize winners from the survey of the ACE News top enthusiast leisure activities is as follows: 1) Roller Coaster Tycoon; 2) Masturbation; 3) Sleeping all day; 4) Reading coaster rumor pages; 5) Calling random parks to demand mid-February ERT.


--JCK

ARN&R On Hiatus, Kind of, Maybe, To a Certain Extent

Attention loyal readers and those who send us hateful missives laden with hysterically awful attempts to make use of our native English tongue! Updates to ARN&R over the next couple of weeks may be infrequent due to the extreme (sorry, Xtrrreeeeemmmmme!) work load being undertaken by both the Supreme Vice Chancellor Overlord of ARN&R Editing Operations and the Chief ARN&R Lieutenant Master Writer Second in Command in the near future. Be assured that we will keep foisting obnoxious articles upon the dismayed American public as much as possible in the upcoming fortnight or so, and will bequeath all of you with an utter onslaught of sassy hijinks at the earliest time we can manage. Thanks for your support and/or hatred.

Er....actually, we lie. We aren't really busy. We've merely been promised extra time in the ARN&R Mansion's hot tub with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Alba and can't turn it down. See you in a few days if they let us up for air for a few minutes.

Frontier City Adds Mexican Restaurant

Frontier City, the original Premier-owned park, has for many years lagged behind most of the other parks of the Premier and Six Flags chains, both in upkeep and in new rides. That will all change this year with the opening of ErUPtion, which Frontier City calls a “thrilling and unique Mexican eatery that will dazzle the taste buds and tickle the lower intestines.”

“We really wanted a signature attraction at Frontier City, the flagship of Six Flags Properties,” said the park’s manager, Harlan Boef Sur Le Toit. “ErUPtion will feature steaming platters of refried beans, gristly low-grade Cuban beef, fiery habanero peppers, pungent green and red sauce, sour cream, and mounds of cheese. You better bet there will be some ‘erUPtions’ from the very bowels of our guests after they consume this yummy concoction.”

Boef Sur Le Toit added that the name ‘ErUPtion’ was chosen very carefully. “We thought about calling our signature attraction ‘Ring of Fire,’ ‘Savage Stomach Cramping,’ ‘Los Trots,’ or ‘Violent Anal Hemorrhage,’ but ‘ErUPtion’ seemed to best describe what guests will experience an hour or two after digesting the tasty snacks we offer at this restaurant.”

Six Flags Corporate released a statement to the press indicating that if ErUPtion is a success, Frontier City might just be in line to receive a used trampoline and a tetherball set next season.

--JCK

S&S/Arrow Announces New Standup Coaster Featuring Soft Little Fuzzy Bunnies In Sensitive Areas

S&S/Arrow announced today its new line of launched inverted stand-up coasters. Along with Arrow's trademark roughness and utter lack of transitions, and S&S's utter lack of reliability, the ride will have something new: soft little fuzzy bunnies attached to each seat to protect male riders from discomfort. The move is thought to come in reaction to recent stories about nipple burn caused by Vekoma restraints.

"I used to love riding standup coasters, but I hated what it did to my lil' bag of fun," said Stan Checketts, S&S/Arrow's CEO, referring to the bicycle-seat-style of seat common on older standup coasters. "I'd be sore for days, especially when I followed it up with naked mechanical bull-riding while being whipped by a dozen angry howler monkeys on acid. So the other day, while sitting in a bathtub of lemon juice giving myself paper cuts, it came to me: bunnies in the crotch! It'll be great!"

Noted professional enthusiast Paul Ruben was ecstatic over the news. "I love coasters, and I love bunnies, and I love my crotch. Put them all together, and I'm as happy as I can be! Unless, of course, you get me on television. I like that better than coasters or bunnies or my crotch."

Checketts is still resolving the issues of maintaining the bunnies' health while attached to the ride. They are expected to be fastened down with garden-variety power staplers (with ride operators having the new responsibility of checking the staples and restapling if tearing occurs), but providing food and water may be a challenge. S&S/Arrow is reportedly considering using its patented thrust-air technology to force into their digestive system a specially designed feed consisting of ground-up chicken intenstines, cesspool water, and metal shavings.

Vekoma SLC Savages Women's Naughty Bits

We're not even going to try to top this one today. Truth is stranger (and more ridiculous) than fiction. Check out the BBC webpage to witness the ultimate terror of Vekoma Nipple Burn.

S&S Announces Return of Ron Toomer, New Tower Attraction

In a news conference this morning, S&S/Arrow CEO Stan Checketts announced that former Arrow Dynamics president and chief engineer Ron Toomer was emerging from retirement to breathe new life into the legendary company (now a division of S&S Power, Inc. of Logan, UT) that he helped mold into an industry leader during the eighties and early nineties.

“This is a big day for S&S Power, as well as the amusement industry as a whole.” Checketts proclaimed, as Toomer slowly walked onstage to the sound of satisfied applause from the press and industry representatives alike. “Ron Toomer’s name is synonymous with creativity and the application of state-of-the-art technology to steel coaster design. Thanks to Mr. Toomer, parks will, once again, be able to build breathtaking new coasters with the long-lasting appeal of rides such as Six Flags Great America’s Shockwave, Kennywood’s Steel Phantom and Busch Gardens Williamburg’s Drachen Fire,” Checketts boasted to the thrilled crowd.

The press conference was cut short when Toomer ran out of the room without warning. “He’s just freakin’ psyched to be back, doing what he was born to do!” Checketts explained to the perplexed crowd. “We got him a box of wires and he’s been at his desk, bending them into all different kinds of insane shapes!” Later in the conference, S&S/Arrow spokesperson Ted Greenwood commented on Toomer’s well-known obsession, stating that his relentless wire bending has paved the way for the development of “a new kind of teardrop-shaped vertical loop that will blow our minds!”

After the conference, Checketts downed a half dozen Red Bull energy drinks and led the group to the testing area behind the company’s offices in the barren salt flats to show off his R&D team’s latest creation, dubbed the “Unbelievably Insane Sky Launcher”. Adrenaline junkies, alone or with a partner, will slip into a body harness that attaches to a bungee cord suspended between a pair of side-by-side 500-foot towers. Once harnessed, riders will be pulled backwards at a 30-degree angle to the tower and then be released to shoot through the air and into the sky, only to fall back to the ground and be caught on an air mattress waiting below. Parks also have the option of purchasing the “Hard-Core” version of the ride, which adds a massive wall of concrete directly in the flight path of the riders.

Checketts demonstrated the awesome power of the device in his usual attention-grabbing fashion by removing all of his clothes (except for his trademark sunglasses) and strapping himself into the harness, at which point he was launched skyward in his buck-naked state at an incredible speed. The bungee cord expanded to its limits, then contracted, and Checketts fell back to terra firma and landed safely on the air mattress. Undaunted, he climbed, unfortunately still naked, to the top of one of the fifty-story towers and screamed “Extreme, baby!” to the stunned crowd below.

Three of S&S Power’s new tower rides have been sold to Cedar Fair, which will operate them in its Sandusky, Allentown and Buena Park locations until the point in time when one attraction malfunctions and all three attractions are consequently removed because of it. So far, a buyer has yet to be found for one of Toomer’s new “Brain Toomer” coasters, featuring vertical loops of two different sizes. Checketts refused to answer ARN&R’s queries as to whether Toomer would actually bother to ride any of his own coasters, or whether he would merely watch as his hapless victims writhe in unspeakable agony.

-RMA

Area Woman Stunned By THE FUTURE

Melinda Daetsch, a Philadelphia, Pennsylvania native, was utterly stunned by THE FUTURE Wednesday during her visit to Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. Specifically, Daetsch reported being “completely overwhelmed by the technological splendor” she glimpsed during her visit to the legendary Carousel of Progress in the Magic Kingdom’s Tommorowland section.

“The show was pretty boring for a while, as it just showed some lame animatronic dolls talking about past events in an unconvincing way,” Daetsch told ARN&R. "But then that last scene came up, and I was transported to THE FUTURE in a way I never thought possible. There were so many wonders that Disney showed me. Will any of the things they describe in Carousel of Progress ever come to pass? Can we hope, nay, pray, that we will be so fortunate? They kept talking about Laserdisc players. Surely this kind of technology won’t be experienced in our lifetime! And those big, wonderful car phones. Pshaw! That’s got to be science fiction!”

Daetsch was also intrigued by the theater itself, not just the amazing technology of THE FUTURE shown in the scenes. “At first, I was really unimpressed with the theater. It looked like it had been rejected by a derelict Arkansas military school’s playhouse. Everything stunk of mildew and mold. But then I thought, ‘whoa, what if these seats are so magically technological and advanced, they are actually made of mold and mildew, not covered in them.’ What an astounding development that would be, if Disney could help the world develop bioengineered seats out of nasty things we currently have. They could show our scientists how to make cars out of bubblegum and pillows out of sloppy-wet dog feces. I’m amazed and pleased that Disney has shown me the power and majesty of THE FUTURE at Carousel of Progress.”

ARN&R has learned that Disney plans to update CoP in the upcoming years by including fun references to thrilling unheard-of technologies such as "cell phones," "DVD," and "wheels."

--JCK

New Disney Thrillrides Greenlighted

ARN&R has just learned that Walt Disney World, in Buena Vista, Florida, has been slated to receive several new E-ticket attractions, slated to open throughout 2004. According to Disney spokesman Bill Zeebub, “there’s going to be so much excitement at Disney in the next few years, no Florida visitor will even consider visiting any other parks.”

Industry experts see the greenlighting of these new projects as proof that Disney has finally realized it has lost guests and money over the past several seasons. “First of all, there are the sponsorship issues, “ stated Desmond Bishop, an Amusement Business columnist. “At the Disney World parks, they have recently lost deals with AMEX, FedEx, GE, MetLife, and others. They release a new ride very rarely at any of the parks, and it inevitably has flaws that result in closures and capacity issues. They charge obscene amounts for admission and services. It’s finally caught up to them.”

Bishop added that, “we are finally seeing Disney react to its problems in a positive fashion, though. These exciting new rides will, our publication feels, bring back the respect and influx of money that Disney expects and is accustomed to receiving. The Mouse is back!”

Zeebub gave reporters tantalizing hints as to what 2004 would hold for each of the Florida Disney parks. “Visitors to the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland should prepare for the excitement of Bridget Jones’s Diary: The Ride. This will be a 400-foot launched Vekoma coaster where passengers experience a one-of-a-kind thrill of being placed in the ‘flying’ position during portions of the coaster. Heartwarming scenes from the movie will be projected on giant IMAX screens around the riders, and we expect that they will be both touched by the cloying sweetness and have their pants soiled by the utter terror of this attraction. It’s a unique combination people will love.”

Other parks will also be blessed by new major endeavors. The MGM Studios Park will add a ride called The View, which will be “an exhilarating next-generation interactive thrill experience dealing with the popular daytime talk show.” Riders will first strap themselves onto hosts Barbara Walters, Meredith Vieira, Joy Behar, or Star Jones (actually, ARN&R has learned that these are elaborate ride vehicles themed to the hosts rather than the hosts themselves; the Star Jones vehicle will be specially designed to accommodate guests of larger proportions). They will then prepare to “experience an astonishing multisensory overload.” Apparently, the cars will move much like the ones for Spiderman at Islands of Adventure, but will be suspended and capable of inversions. Live action, 3-D goggles, and 230 million dollars worth of pyrotechnics and water tank effects will be used. A plot line involving in-depth discussion of women’s health issues, detailed interviews with movie stars, exciting fluff pieces, and a violent, gory, intergalactic space battle is still being finalized, but the show “promises to be a true dominator of all five senses.” Rumored guest contributors include all the hosts of The View, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Met Opera music director James Levine, the members of Metallica, and Carrot Top. No official word has been given on a possible cameo from departed host Lisa Ling, nor on whether the expensive attraction will be sponsored by Old Navy.

EPCOT is slated to receive 40 Days and 40 Nights: The Decimation. Details are scarce about this attraction, but Zeebub told reporters that the ride “will utilize a unique and specially designed interactive centrifuge pod system that will simulate a thrilling mission in space.” Says Lance Hart of Screamscape, “this is almost certainly a cheap last-minute retheming of an existing delayed attraction, Mission: Space. Disney is just trying to capitalize on a hastily slung-together theme so they can slap Josh Hartnett’s mug up everywhere.”

Finally, Animal Kingdom will add “Slingblade…On Ice!!!” According to Zeebub, “Disney could think of no other property it owns more suited to a dazzling display of Broadway-style songs and tantalizing ice skating spins and jumps than Slingblade. Visitors to Animal Kingdom seem to enjoy coming to the park even though there are basically no rides, so we thought we’d keep that trend going.” But that’s not all. The ice show will be the centerpiece of the brand new 5,000-dollar Deep South Land at AK. Zeebub says, “we could not locate a really appropriate themed area within Animal Kingdom in which to place the attraction, so we plan to sling, so to speak, a new Deep South-themed area together for it. Basically, we’ll have some pigs and goats, and a few old outhouses and some rusted El Caminos stuck up on blocks. The food stands will serve biscuits with mustard. We’ll also have an interactive tobacco exhibit, where you can pick the leaves, dry them, and sample the final product by putting a pinch between your cheek and gum. The kids will love it!”

Zeebub refused to confirm speculation on whether Miramax’s exciting Kate & Leopold franchise would finally receive its own E-ticket attraction in the next few years.


--JCK

CoasterBash or Coaster-Bah?

Today’s CoasterBash XIV, held at Garden City Hall in Monroeville, PA, appeared to be anything but a “bash” to unaware American Coaster Enthusiast (ACE) members.

"There were no freakin' roller coasters to ride!" exclaimed Mack “The Big Boy” Porkenhauser. "Sure, they had an all-you-can-eat buffet and bottomless beverages, but the only coasters in the joint were rinky-dink cardboard cut-out models. Really bad models at that."

"I was expecting, due to the off-season timing of this event, to have nothing but ERT without all the stupid rednecks I usually see at Pennsylvania parks," stated fourteen-year-old nonmember, and resident of Monroeville, Chester Lynch. "I heard A.C.E. wuz comin' to town so I grabbed up my thirty-dollar ticket to attend. Shoot, ... free food, free drinks, no parking fees ... I thought I had this event in the bag! But it just plain sucked. There won’t no ridin’ at all!"

Stan Cartman, who drove all the way from Colorado to attend the event, said, “the event flyer promised a ‘Chinese auction.’ I figured maybe that meant one of us would win some contest to get laid by a hot Asian babe, but apparently they meant something else. There was no laying, nor were there any hot Asian babes, nor were there really any babes at all. I feel pretty cheated.”

Virginia ACE member Bert Logan was also distressed. “Kennywood sent some haunted house workers that scared me senseless, but why didn’t we get ERT on Phantom’s Revenge and Thunderbolt? I bet they run pretty fast when the grease has a nice layer of ice. I may protest by not going to that park next season. And Janice Witherow did show some nice photos of Top Thrill Dragster, but why couldn’t she bring the ride itself down here for loyal ACE members to get a preview? I paid my mom’s hard-earned cash to ride coasters without worrying about the stupid GP. I did not pay my mom’s hard-earned cash to watch coaster honeymoon videos and find out what exciting fencepost-erecting Libertyland has planned.”

ACE representative Sandra Torkenstein claims, "these jerks have no business attending the Bash if they didn't read the fine print." With a heavy sigh and, pointing out a smudge at the bottom of the event application, she recited, "this is a non-coaster-riding event." Ms. Torkenstein removed her bottle-bottom glasses, folded the document on her lap, and continued, "we cannot understand why these morons are causing such a fluff. The flyers also clearly state the event will be held ‘rain or snow (blizzard) or shine.' Do these lowlife imbeciles actually believe we would endanger their lives with ERT during a blizzard?"

"That would have been totally awesome, dude!" one rambunctious lad stated as he passed the ARN&R interview table, where he overheard Torkenstein’s comments. Raising his hands to form the “Metal Sign” and sticking his tongue several inches out of his mouth, he added, “Extreeeeeeeemmmmmmeeeeee!”

[Correspondent’s Note: I, as an ARN&R reporter, was also miffed, as I had not been aware of the situation. I, too, came for the rides, but my application had been sent in by my editor, who requested I cover this lame-ass story. I now worry that I will be forced to attend this year's Nor'Easter 2003, the next ACE event, to be held March 8, at the Fierlit-Korzen American Legion Post 769 (Central Falls, RI).]

[Editor’s Note: All reporters employed by the ARN&R Breaking News Division are required to write whatever stories they are assigned. Some of these stories are more exciting than others. Certain reporters might find themselves receiving better assignments if they would quit scaring Jessica Alba and Kristen Kreuk out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion’s hot tub with all that farting. Enjoy all the exciting onboard ride footage of the Quassy Little Dipper next week, buddy!]


--RAS

Doh Again!

Okay, so, if we'd actually looked at ORC for any length of time, we could definitively say that we did not win.

(Though last time we looked, we were in the lead. We're sensing a coverup. The Man is out to get us.)

Congratulations to Virtual Midway.

Doh!

Okay, so apparently we posted the link to the poll roughly eight minutes before it switched over to a new poll. We might have won. We don't know.

ARN&R Nominated for Academy Award
Or Possibly OnRideCentral Site of the Year
Despite the Fact that It's March

Go vote for us. We really want to be on the pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.