Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Tomahawk Strikes Downtown Baghdad

United States armed forces continued their assault on Iraq today by unleashing a Tomahawk on downtown Baghdad, military sources tell ARN&R. The weapon was dropped by a B-52 bomber at 9:15 this morning, Baghdad time.

"This will demoralize the Iraqi resistance and result in a swifter, more resounding victory by our coalition," stated Marine General Peter Pace. "After the shock and awe of our satellite-guided munitions, the Iraqi leadership will be further thrown into turmoil by the dread appaearance of this Huss Frisbee previously located at Six Flags New England. This ride is able to unleash tremendously destructive nausea and fear in those who come near it, and we feel certain a capitulation by the Iraqi regime will now be imminent."

Puzzled Baghdad residents studied the remains of the Tomahawk after it crashed outside a grocery store on the eastern edge of the Iraqi city. "Too bad it's all smashed up," stated Said Dar, 34. "It looks like it might have been pretty darn fun to ride this hideous implement of filthy American imperialism."

Six Flags New England management issued a terse statement that "whoever stole our new twist on an old favorite better give it back. How are our suckers...I mean customers...going to hop in and take a whirlwind spin through an African wonderland? Or do it again ... backwards? Surely the United States military could further the humiliation and terror of Iraq by dropping some Vekoma coasters on them instead. We've got plenty to spare."

--JCK