Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Cathy Lee Gifford Appointed Visionland GM

This past week, the theme park world was thrown into turmoil with the announcement that Visionland General Manager Terry Lee Mackey had been arrested, and was later fined, for child labor law violations. Cited for forcing child employees to work past 9PM and to work 14-hour shifts, both Alabama state violations, Mackey was sent to the “Time-Out Chair” by Visionland and relieved of duty by Park Superintendent William Chalmers. There was previous speculation that Mackey would be disciplined for giving paddlings and for making employees wash his blackboards, but these charges were eventually dropped by the state.

In a hastily called press conference, Chalmers announced that the park had seen the error of its ways. “We have seen the error of our ways,” he stated. “We know that our previous manager would run his child labor force into the ground, driving them before him like sweaty, broken animals. The very sight of these poor, flea-bitten, glazed youngsters carting rocks up and down a quarry filled me with weepy sadness. So, in order to rectify our now-sullied image, we are making a bold hiring decision that will demonstrate to the world just how much we care about children and fair labor practices involving them. May I introduce our new general manager, Cathy Lee Gifford!”

Gifford declined to comment to reporters, as she was already busy converting Visionland to a dank, mosquito-infested sweatshop. “Churn those shoes out, you little f%*ker!” she was heard to scream at an eight-year-old Montgomery native, Benjamin Wilkins. Cruelly lashing her bullwhip across the buttocks of several ride attendants who weren’t working fast enough for her satisfaction, Gifford was heard to yell, “My precious Cody needs a Rolls Royce, his own Six Flags park, and mountains of beautiful designer gravy, and I’ll flog anyone who stands in his way!”

Alabama chief labor inspector Wolfgang Trammel told ARN&R that he was “somewhat concerned” about Visionland’s commitment to protecting its child labor force, but that his department would “take a wait-and-see approach” to the situation.


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