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Alton Towers to Debut "Bathtime With Attitude"

In a creative move to remain on the cutting edge of theme park thrills, Alton Towers this week announced the 2004 debut of Bathtime With Attitude, a "new and energetic ride concept thrill excitement attraction thing," according to a park rep who insisted he would urinate upon us if we divulged his actual name.

According to the rep, "the park plans to do a major rehab and retheming of the flume ride, in order to give it that extra something special. It will be more thrilling, and yet will also be more appealing for families. It's a perfect addition, and the theming will be highly immersive."

ARN&R has seen plans for the ride, and can confirm that the theming will indeed be extensive. Aside from the flume vehicles themselves being converted to look like large bathtubs, each will be, in the words of the AT rep, "populated by a surly, obnoxious young child who is being forced to take a bath against his wishes."

"The child will throw an incredible tantrum the instant the bathtubs leave the station," says the rep. "He will angrily splash water on occupants of the vehicle, scream incessantly, and throw his rubber ducky and bars of soap at passengers. No rider will be able to console the grubby urchin as he yells obscenities, kicks and screams while being toweled off, and, from time to time, defecates in the water just to be a filthy brat."

The Alton Towers representative added that most of the candidates to serve as rotten little bathtub brats would be home-schooled, in order to maximize their potential irritating, anti-social behavior.

--JCK