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Letter-Writing Campaign Ends in Confused Failure

When the news was released that Dorney Park would be removing its Hercules coaster at the end of this past season, the outcry was tremendous. A massive letter-writing campaign was begun to save Hercules, and Dorney Park management was forced to wade through a daily onslaught of pleas to save it.

Unfortunately, the pleas fell on unsympathetic ears, for those in charge of the campaign were obviously misinformed as to what Hercules they were trying to save.

"Just look at this nonsense," said Dorney rep Charles Abrahams. "We might be concerned if we had gotten wrong our impression that every person who ever set foot on Hercules thought it was a pile of crap. If we'd gotten thousands of begging, fawning letters discussing how people will miss its smooth ride, exciting course, and awesome airtime, maybe we'd feel bad for tearing the thing down. But all these letters are, if I can deduce the actual English beneath the grammatical mistakes, berating us for denying people access to that hunky, oily Kevin Sorbo."

Abrahams added, "how stupid are these people? Do they really not know that our Hercules was a really crummy coaster, and we have nothing to do with mind-numbing trash from New Zealand? And we're more than a bit shocked that anyone would be even concerned about a stupid show like that, no matter how many cheesy sword fights and guest appearances by Bruce Campbell it featured. People, Hercules was cancelled years ago. And so was Xena Warrior Princess. Get a frickin' grip and leave us alone so we can send a wrecking ball through this thing."

--JCK