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Six Flags Corporation Enters Deal with Homeland Security

In an unprecedented move, Six Flags Corporation has announced an exclusive contract with the United States government, specifically the Department of Homeland Security, to take charge of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. In recent months U.S. relations with the tiny communist country have been strained, and the military had been looking for another place to house the suspected terrorists.

Six Flags came to the rescue yesterday by announcing that it would house all of the nearly 600 detainees at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland. "We figured with the government trying to privatize everything from transportation to education, the time was ripe for one of America's most prominent business to help in the war on terrorism," said the park's Operations Manager Jeremiah Charmichael. "We have the perfect setting right here for detaining people indefinitely."

More impressive is that the park will remain open to the public during the normal season. "This should be a great opportunity to increase Park throughput," Charmichael claimed. "We'll have the detainees caged on a platform near our popular Superman roller coaster. Our guests will be encouraged to show their true American colors by jeering at the helpless prisoners, hurling insults and spitting upon them." Charmichael smiled. "There's nothing more American than inflicting misery onto others. Six Flags prides itself in being a world leader in this area."

To insure that neighboring communities are safe from any security threat, Charmichael said that the corporation will need only a modest investment in razor wire to surround the park grounds. S&S Power, Inc., has been contracted to build four observation towers where specially trained Six Flags security officers will stand guard with high-powered rifles.

"We want to stress," continued Charmichael, "that guests will continue to experience the same quality and safe Six Flags experience that they've come to expect at our park."

After the park has closed to the public, government agents will arrive to resume interrogating the detainees. "Some of their methods have not been as effective as they would have liked," stated Charmichael, referring to the agents. "We here at Six Flags America are in a unique position to offer serious persuasion to the detainees."

Uncooperative detainees will be able to experience the park's Mind Eraser for twelve hours non-stop. Other persuasion devices at the park include the Rodeo, Riddle Me This and the Octopus. "The possibilities are endless!" said a beaming Charmichael.

"Can you imagine what progress we'd make on the war on terror if we placed a detainee on Two Face for hours on end sitting opposite two ACE members who just had an all-you-can-eat buffet? I'm no military expert, but I'd say we'd have this war on terror licked in no time!" Additionally, the detainees will not be allowed to purchase Fast Passes to board the rides.

"They'll have to wait in line like everyone else. The two-hour queues will give them time to think about their actions and repent the error of their ways."

For its contribution, Six Flags Corporation will be eligible to receive matching government funds to assist in its ride relocation programs.

"It's a win-win situation all around," Charmichael proclaimed. "The United States asserts its status as a world leader in the fight against terrorism, and Six Flags continues its proud tradition of providing unique guest experiences."

--JRD