Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Shocking Spoilers for 24 Revealed

ARN&R has received reports from confidential inside sources that the plotline for the Fox drama 24 will soon take an amazing turn even more shocking than anything that has previously taken place during the show's three-year run.

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According to the source, Jack Bauer (portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland) will suddenly "just become totally f***ing fed up with this bulls***" in an episode to air about three weeks from now. Bauer will suddenly decide that "he's tired of dealing with all this crap, and he needs to relieve some stress with some good scream therapy."

In the episode, Bauer will make a dramatic escape from some horrifying situation against impossible odds, save his idiot daughter from either being kidnapped by someone or eaten by a Tabby kitten (the details are still being finalized), pick up Special Agent Timberlake, and fly in a hijacked jet to join perpetually-stressed President David Palmer for a few hours at Universal Studios, where all can unwind from a tough day of waging war against terrorists. (At a press conference, Palmer will reportedly confuse the press with the cryptic statement "hats for bats!" long enough to slip out the back exit of his hotel in order to get to Universal in time to meet Bauer.) Exit passes and ERT on certain rides will make the evening particularly enjoyable.

"The writers at 24 were brainstorming the other day, and they just sorta figured anyone who had three different days this sh**ty would just throw his hands up and tell everyone to f*** off eventually," said the source. "So then they decided he might just escape and have a nice vacation at a location where the producers could film with ease, and just leave that terrorist-fighting hero garbage to someone else for a few hours for a change."

Our source also reported that dramatic tension would not be lessened with the impromptu theme park vacation, because "there are plenty of ways Bauer's dumbass daughter could get in trouble and have to be saved, even at Universal. She might get kidnapped by petting zoo llamas, or get lost in the bathroom, or even get chased around by horny teenage ACE members who see her in a tight white tank top on a cold day, right after she gets out of the front row of the Jurrasic Park water ride. The possibilities are endless."

--JCK