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A Christmas Message to the Poor: Suck On It

ARN&R Guest Column by Tim Jenson, President Emeritus of the Greater Cleveland Coaster Fanatics

I am so damn tired about being lectured about giving to the "poor and less fortunate" over the Christmas season. You know what? I work for a living and I don't need others telling me that I need to spend my hard-earned money on people that don't have heat or children digging their Christmas dinners out of dumpsters. Hey kids, tell mom and dad to get a job or convert to a religion without presents.

Some of my co-workers at Best Buy thought that it was rude of me to not give anything to the Salvation Army bell ringers this year. Well, some of us are saving up for that America's Greatest Roller Coaster Thrills: The Ultimate Scream Machines DVD (Digital Collector's Edition). With the employee discount it should be mine in no time. All over America religious and secular leaders tell me that I need to give money to help people. How am I going to witness over twenty coasters in glorious 5.1 surround sound if I keep giving everything I make away?

If these goody two shoes had their way I would not have saved enough for the entire Horse Creek Production series. Trust me, it was worth the money. At Coaster Con last year I met a fine lady named Tina. While she couldn't fit in a lot of the rides we had fun hanging out Das Festhaus. I am sure that the Horse Creek POV of the boomerang at Wild Adventures is what allowed me to feel her roast beef curtains that magical night she came back to my room at the Super 8.

I am not saying I never help those less fortunate. In fact, last week I tried to sell Goodwill my Top Thrill Dragster shirt autographed by the guy who walks the track on Junior Gemini and they wouldn't give me anything for it. If this is how charity works then I want no part of it. I am just tired of those limousine liberals like Jesus telling me to help others. What a crock of shit.

P.S.: I appreciate ARN&R giving me the space to air my concerns about the Christmas season with like-minded coaster enthusiasts. My "Steel 4 Me (Coasters that Is!)" column usually appears on Thrillnetwork, but ever since the "incident" I had in their chatroom where I tried to polish VekomaRulz's chainlift I haven't been allowed to log in.

--Transcribed by FMB