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Really Dumb Birds Put Stop to Santa Cruz Ride

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk has been denied permission to build a proposed S&S Double Shot ride. City planners tell ARN&R that they cannot allow the ride "because the birds in Santa Cruz are really f***ing stupid."

Jack Ellwanker, a major critic of the addition of the ride and member of the Very Special Pelicans Network, spoke further about the matter with ARN&R:

This would be a travesty. Many people think it's pretty dumb to have the park blocked from building a new ride based on the assertion that endangered birds would whack into it and kill themselves. These people think the birds manage not to crash into buildings, telephone polls, trees, and statues, and therefore there is little danger posed by this new attraction. However, people don't realize that our birds here in California are really amazingly stupid creatures. They're f***ing idiots. They have the brain power of George W. Bush and Britney Spears's love child. It's quite likely that they'll be flapping along, staring at the pretty grass or picking their noses, and they won't notice the gargantuan, brightly lit and painted tower in front of them, and then they'll splatter all over it. We must protect our unbelievably stupid birds from their own imbecility!

Numerous ornithological experts were unable to tell ARN&R why Californian birds are so much stupider than those from the rest of the United States, but one speculated that "any state with people moronic enough to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger to anything would probably have some dumbass animals, too."

--JCK