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British Lodging Problematic for ACE Member

Peter Wolf, 35, a member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, is planning an extended trip to England to ride roller coasters at parks such as Alton Towers, Blackpool Pleasure Beach, and Lightwater Valley. Unfortunately, he has been having trouble locating housing with fellow enthusiasts across the pond.

“I don’t get it,” says Wolf. “I figured I’d just open up my ACE Membership Directory and call a bunch of British members. Surely our shared love of coasters and shovel-loads of greasy buffet foods would bridge any cultural gaps, and we’d get along great. I was surprised that, every time I called to see if anyone could house me, they burst into laughter and called me names.”

“For instance,” he continues, “I called this one guy who lives in North London. We were having a nice chat, and then I asked if Alton Towers sells any fanny packs, or whether, because I’m tall, I would be in danger of getting my face bonked by anything there. This guy howled with laughter, called me a ‘poofter’ and a ‘Yankee git,’ and hung up. What the hell?”

Sources close to ARN&R inform us that, to Brits, “fanny” is a very filthy term for the female anatomy, while “bonk” is a moderately rude word for the human sexual act.

“Then there was this other enthusiast I called over there,” says Wolf. “All I did was ask if he had a shag carpet, and he cackled and called me a ponsey hairdresser. I don’t see what the deal is.”

Wolf tells ARN&R that he may put off his trip to England. “If everyone there is going to laugh at things I say, then I don’t know if I’ll enjoy being over there,” he says. “Plus, I dunno, they seem a little more open than I’m used to. Like, the last guy I tried to call, he wasn’t home, and I got his wife. She told me she’d be happy to have him call me back in a few minutes, but right then he’d ‘stepped outside for a fag.’ That’s kind of TMI. I think I’ll try a trip to Canada or something.”

Sources close to ARN&R inform us that “fag” is merely a slang term for “cigarette.”

--JCK/VMA