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Disney Promises to Remake Muppets

Disney announced this week that it would acquire the rights to the Muppets characters, developed by Jim Henson, and it promised big changes.

"All that irony and humor that was so great in The Muppet Show, aiming above the four-year-old set? Gone," said spokesman Chad Munsinger. "We'll give those puppets some big creepy-ass eyes, put all the girls in princess dresses, and take out anything that might be considered remotely appealing to adults. We'll add in some hideous songs -- roughly half sung by Phil Collins to auto-generated ballad music, the other half sung in a piercing falsetto -- and blast the songs at approximately 110 decibels at every possible opportunity. It'll be great!"

Recalling the days when The Muppet Show and Muppets Tonight would feature quirky guest stars such as Prince, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price, and Arlo Guthrie, Munsinger indicated that those days were long gone. "We're all about synergy now. If we have a Muppet television show, you'll be seeing other Disney characters and ABC personalities -- like maybe Barbara Walters. That'd be a hoot!"

Reports indicate that the Swedish Chef will be barred from all Disney properties ("too scary and insensitive to our Swedish guests") and that Bert and Ernie will only be seen during Gay Days. Gonzo will appear but will no longer have a romantic interest in chickens. And Animal will be replaced by a slightly rough-looking "but hot" twenty-something drummer "aimed at the tweener set."


[Ed. Note: Yes, we know Bert & Ernie aren't part of the deal since they were sold to CTW a ways back, so settle down and send us bizarre e-mails about something else.]