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Holy Land to Add Hardcore Thrills

Thrilling news has come forth from The Holy Land Experience, Orlando's newest theme park. According to park representatives, a truly exciting expansion will occur in the next two years: the addition of thrill rides.

In order to compete with area theme parks, the management team at THLE will start out with two coasters. First to open will be a family coaster called "The Holy Roller," a heavily-braked spinning mouse from Maurer-Sohne. But this ride will pale in comparison to the massive, bulging monster that will soon be erected nearby.

A representative from The Holy Land Experience had the following to say:

The biggest, baddest and scariest coaster on the planet will be from S&S/Arrow and will incorporate virtually every "trick in the book." It will be like Six Flags Magic Mountain's X, but will be launched to 123 miles per hour via compressed air to shoot up a vertical tower 666 feet, into the top-hat element. Then it penetrates violently down into a tunnel, making the first drop actually 700 feet, thereby negating the devilish height of the initial climb. Emerging from the tunnel, the train will negotiate 13 loops including the newest inversion, the "soixante-neuf" element. The only possible name for this coaster, seeing as it will surely be the scariest coaster ever: "The B'Jesus."

An extremely reliable source claims indisputable evidence, namely his overhearing two park employees talking, that B'Jesus will open just in time for The Holy Land Experience's infamous and popular Gay Days in early summer, 2005.

--PBW