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Coaster Con Finds New Sponsor

The Atkins Company made a lot of coaster nuts happy this week. The company stepped up to the plate and worked out an agreement with Cedar Point, Geauga Lake and Memphis Kiddie Park to help sponsor the event, which in turn keeps costs down for ACE Members.

“This is really a win-win for ACE and Atkins,” said ACE Goddess-on-High Carole Sanderson. “The coaster group gets to keep their program prices down and Atkins gets a target-rich environment. Without this corporate sponsorship opportunity ACE members would be paying upwards of $5,000 each. We think it's great!”

Tim Latham, V.P. of Concept Development for Atkins, agrees. “We have never found so many overweight men under 40 in one spot before. It will be like shooting fish in a barrel! Add in the fact that many eat meat-heavy diets already and we feel like we’ve struck oil.”

ACE and Atkins have several events planned for the Con, including:

- A steak-eating contest in front of Magnum -- the first to vomit up “Magnum Red” puke wins.

- A Gravy Bath -- The famous retro “water ball” fountain will be filled with gravy so ACErs can get their first bath and fifth gravy helping of the day. Groping will be encouraged and videotaped for the fetish market.

- A Sh*t-Off -- After gorging themselves at the protein-filled Midway Market, enthusiasts will square off in a stinky crap-o-thon. Results will be judged on length, circumference and mass. The more the merrier!

Cedar Fair C.E.O. Dick Kinzel is especially excited about the new events this year. “Yeah, I can’t wait until those lardasses lose some weight. They have complained about Millennium Force enough already this season,” he told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. Kinzel continued, “Now when will you start taping this interview, anyway?”

--FMB