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Six Flags: That Customer Service Thing Didn't Work, Now We're Back to Hating You

After reporting that attendance was down 4% in the most recent quarter, Six Flags Inc.'s executives had a clear message: The old Six Flags is back.

"Yep, we tried improving customer service and periodically cleaning off the raw sewage from the queue lines," said chain spokesman Joe Linnell. "After a full two months of that, attendance was still down. So, screw that! We're back to hating you, the customer."

Effective immediately, employees will be rewarded for "most menacing snarl" and "least helpful directions," judged by a team of anonymous park visitors. Additionally, individual park managers will receive bonuses based on their refusal, even in the face of hours-long lines, to add additional trains to any coasters. And, in a new once-a-year event, E. coli bacteria will be measured in each park's food service facilities, with the highest concentration receiving $1,000 bonuses for each and every employee.

"We're back, baby!" yelled Linnell. "Screw the customer!"