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Ridge Fails to Amend Patriot Act to Ban Flyer-Snapping

Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.

Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."

But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.

Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.

-–MMS/JCK/CSB

And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.