ARN&R: Minor Local Celebrity Gossip Clearing House

We recently received the following message at ARN&R's contact email from someone named Kaye Hard. We swear we have reprinted it verbatim below:

While watching the news tonight, John Tracy was teasing Meghan about being at the station 24 hours and she commented something about not much of a wife. Has she remarried? Thank you, a faithful listener.

Naturally, ARN&R makes it a point of pride to know all about the personal lives of obscure Alaskan news reporters. Of course we know whether or not Meghan has remarried. We just don't feel like telling you. Frankly, your deep interest in the subject is a little stalkerrific for our taste. So sorry. Thank you for playing, and please pick up your consolation surprises backstage.

--JCK

Six Flags Elitch Gardens Clarifies Name of New Ride

Excited patrons of Six Flags Elitch Gardens learned earlier this week that there would be the addition of a thrilling new "extreme water ride" to the park this year. Unfortunately, the actual name of the new attraction was released improperly by SFEG, according to the park. Although the waterslide was announced as "EDGE," apparently that is only part of its full moniker.

"It's the darndest thing," said Elitch Gardens spokesman Chase Figgins. "We thought we had everything ready to go, but someone must have accidentally cut off half of the press release when they made photocopies. The announcement therefore said we were calling our new ride 'EDGE,' but it was supposed to be 'EDGE of Seventeen.' And the press release mentioned all the thrills of the ride itself, but due to the photocopying mistake, the thrilling discussion of the attraction's elaborate theming was also left out."

According to Figgins, the entire ride will be themed to resemble a massive white winged dove, while the "hard-pumping rock hits" of Stevie Nicks will blast from loudspeakers installed in the ride's rafts themselves. Ride operators will be clad entirely in leather and lace.

"This ride is going to be a landslide of thrills," said the park rep. "When people ride it, I guarantee they're going to be yelling 'ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh.'"

-JCK

Paramount Parks Announce New Height Limits

Earlier today, a statement was issued by Paramount Parks outlining new height restrictions on many of its rides beginning with the 2005 season. Most wood coasters in the chain, whether junior models or adult rides, will see a substantial increase in these restrictions over the norm of the past several years, meaning that some parents may be surprised to find that their children will not be permitted on rides they experienced last year.

The chain-wide height restriction for all junior wood coasters, such as the Beastie and the Happy Scrappy Hero Pup (formerly the Scooby Doo Coaster), will now be 72 inches, while adult coasters such as Rebel Yell, the Hurlers, and Son of Beast will be 82 inches.

According to a representative of the chain, "it will undoubtedly be disappointing to youngsters who are suddenly unable to ride some of the favorite classic coasters in our parks. However, we review our safety protocol each year, and it seemed wisest in light of the forces generated by roller coasters only to let grownups and larger children board these high-speed attractions in the future. Children too small for these rides can certainly look forward to the day they become big enough boys and girls to get on the rides, a fact that may actually increase anticipation and excitement for our attractions."

--JCK

Brittany Lynn Has Competition

Our girl Brit really made a name for herself with her incomprehensible AOL-speak and bizarre grammar, but apparently she's developed some competition, in the form of a new poster at Rec.Roller-Coaster. With comments like "I just joined here. Ne1 wanna have a carnival ride chat?" RRC member kilbourne_kisses is making a real run at destroying the English language. We're pretty sure this is just a troll's prank, but, hey, we think it's hilarious whether it's fake or real, so we'll make it the Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Further posts from kilbourne_kisses include one where she purrs, one where she can't glean basic facts from an article, and one where she decides the conversation at RRC is a little beneath her intellectual level and leaves. Or maybe she stops trolling. Whichever. We don't care.]

Quassy Bolts Toilet Tank Lids Down

At amusement parks around the country, employees are arriving to begin the process of refurbishing and freshening up parks in preparation for the hordes of guests that will begin arriving in a few short weeks. Flowers are being planted, walkways repaired, fresh coats of paint applied, dirty areas hosed down. But the workers at Connecticut's little Quassy Amusement Park have an extra task to attend to: bolting down the upper tank lids in the restrooms.

The reason for this unusual step? It's to avoid a repeat of a terrifying series of upper decking incidents that befell the small park at the end of last season.

"It was horrible," says Quassy employee Michael Hirsch. "One day in late August I smelled this horrible smell coming from the bathroom. It reeked like a slaughterhouse, man. So I went in to check it out. Guess what? Some jerkoffs had upper decked every sit-down toilet in both the women's and men's rooms!"

"Bunch of savages in this town," he added, frustrated.

Also known as "upper-tanking," "top loading," or "going top shelf," upper decking is a nefarious practice where a person defecates into the top water tank of a toilet, turning the clean water supply of the toilet into what one expert labels "an endless river of shit."

The upper deckers returned to Quassy at least six more times during the remainder of the season. According to employees, each incident caused them to waste up to seventeen hours cleaning the restrooms, though the unholy stench itself generally hovered over the entire town of Middlebury for up to an additional six days following each decking occurrence. For that reason, the park invested substantial funds this season in giant padlocks and chains for each toilet. The chains will be bolted to massive steel pipes drilled two hundred feet into the bedrock to better thwart young hooligans from breaking their way into the water tanks.

"We had a bunch of money we were going to use to build a 300-foot tall launched B&M with twelve inversions," said one distressed park employee who asked not to be named. "But every cent of it had to go into this new upper deck deterrent system. Let that be a lesson to anyone else out there who feels like plopping one upstairs...we all suffer when we upper deck."

--JCK

Beg To Differ

Do they really have to make it so easy?



Fun! Interesting! Exciting! Cool! Inexplicably into pictures with over-the-shoulder restraints!

Why Do All The Wackos Come Here?

To those who came across our site while searching for "hairy boys," we're sorry we couldn't help you with your bizarre and more-than-slightly-creepy fetish. May we direct you to the Coaster Bears instead?

To those who found us while looking for a "76 Chevy Vega," please stop. Trust us from personal experiences when we were youngsters, you don't want this. Really.

And finally, to whoever visited our site hoping to find "metric assloads in imperial assloads," we extend our thanks for making us laugh harder than we have in probably five or six weeks.

--JCK

To Hell With Their Dignity

Following a busy tour schedule in 2004 Stryper recently sat back and reflected with ARN&R on their illustrious career. Their datebook was packed full in 2004 with one Disney booking. With a concert scheduled at Rye Playland for the Jews for Jesus "Oy-Fest 2005" they have already equaled the number of events from last year.

After we prayed together (I prayed for that Bambi chick to be working a double shift at the Snatch Trap tonight while they mumbled something about salvation through Christ) brothers Michael and Robert Sweet rapped with me about Jesus, life and keeping it real. Michael said that although they are a washed up act with only one well-known song, he loves the roar of the crowd when Stryper (which stands for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness, which in this reporter's eyes makes them pussies) takes the stage.

"It is such an awesome feeling," said Sweet. "You just get up there and you can feel the love of everyone in that room. I know God is rocking out with us. How could he not love a song called "To Hell With the Devil?!?" After I noted that God tends to not like ball-less vapid pop metal Sweet just smiled and told me to keep the faith.

For 2006 the group is hoping to book Six Flags over St. Louis' Old Glory Amphitheater, but doesn't know if they will be able to get the spot. "That venue is difficult to nail down sometimes," said guitarist Oz Fox. "We were hoping to tag it for '05, but Men Without Hats is having a reunion tour and it was just too hard for the park to juggle us both." We only hope that Stryper does get that job because everyone at ARN&R loves rocking with Jesus.

God Bless,
FMB

Six Flags New England to Hire Restroom Attendant

Six Flags New England will hire its first ever restroom attendant in 2005, according to official park sources. The move, which many industry insiders consider long overdue, is part of the park's new "Focus on Customers and Stuff" Campaign.

"Really, we thought we'd been doing fine for the past decade or so without anyone sanitizing the bathrooms," said park spokesman Thad O'Baily. "It's pretty much a self-cleaning mechanism. If a toilet erupts in a giant brown geyser every now and then because it's clogged up, then that provides a natural cleansing action to any built-up grime that has accumulated throughout the day. And everything certainly has always smelled fresh enough, since we had a security guard dump fifteen or twenty urinal cakes in each urinal once in a while."

However, O'Baily noted that industry pressure had forced the park to spend "precious resources" on hiring someone to maintain its toilets. "Surveys have shown that people now want prettier parks that have a minimum of raw human excrement coursing through them," he said. "It used to be they wanted big roller coasters and awesome musical revues with dancing and jazz hands. But I guess times change. And sure, we can adjust to that. We can get someone to mop up your urine, semen, and ass juice once in a while. That's cool."

In a bold move, SFNE posted its want ad at Thrillnetwork, hoping to lure eager young coaster enthusiasts into sponging up gallons of bodily wastes for minimal pay.

Although the hiring of its first-ever restroom attendant is believed by the park to be a strong statement about its new focus on customer satisfaction, others are unsure. Among the doubters is season pass holder Fred Rittenhouse, 36, who says, "I don't know. There's gotta be ten bathrooms or more in the park. How can one guy keep all that clean? I guess that's better than not having any restroom attendants, since maybe, once in a while, I'll luck into visiting a bathroom that he just got to and avoid skidding through someone else's diarrhea puddle like normal, but it still seems like a token hire to me."

Those interested in serving as Six Flags New England's historic first restroom attendant are urged to apply promptly. Effluvia experience is highly recommended.

--JCK

ACE News Staff Diagnosed With Rare Disorder

In announcement that rocked that coaster enthusiast world today, it was revealed that the staff of ACE News, a publication of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, has been diagnosed with Alles Ist Essen Syndrome, a rare and potentially deadly condition. Alarmed by the continued focus on the amount of food ACE members enjoy ramming into their faces, as opposed to the coverage of roller coasters the group professes to love, an independent research team studied the ACE News staff for the past month before making its pronouncement.

Alles Ist Essen Syndrome is an "extremely uncommon disease that causes its helpless victims to think almost everything they see is an actual food item," said clinician Dr. Javier Rodriguez. He added that "there were many warning signs that the staff of this magazine was suffering from this disorder," but the clearest example that there was a major problem was when a breaking news article in the latest edition of the newsletter stated that a new Dollywood teacup ride had been "customized to represent icy cool tumblers dancing around a big ol' pitcher of lemonade- how sweet and refreshing."

According to Rodriguez, "while it seems fairly harmless to think that a mechanical ride is actually literally sweet and refreshing, this could be a tremendous problem in the long term. What if this magazine's staff were to actually go to this park? Would they merely tell their friends that the ride is tasty? Would they salivate on themselves? Or, I shudder to think, might they try to actually eat this new ride? The consequences could be tremendous both for them and for the ride itself. I've seen those buffets."

"A new puke ride themed like a pitcher of lemonade is unique and mildly interesting," Rodriguez concluded. "It is not, however, sweet and refreshing. Sorry."

--JCK

Letter from the Editor’s Lackey

Faithful Readers,

It was recently brought to our attention that a reporter known as James Guckert, who often used the alias Jeff Gannon, has provided ARN&R certain stories that weren’t quite true. We had been amazed with his output and access to highly-placed sources at the top of IAAPA and ACE, but apparently he has been living a lie. The Gucker/Gannon stories that we cannot independently confirm, and therefore retract, are the following:

- Six Flags Prepares For Another Debt-Free Year

- Enthusiasts Slim and Trim in ‘05

- Cedar Point’s Magnum Coaster Sinking

- NoGodForMe Not, In Point of Fact, Batshit Crazy

- URC, Thrillride! Constantly Updated

- B&M, Intamin IAAPA Booth Staffers "Thrilled" By Enthusiast Inquiries

While we appreciated Guckert’s zeal for the job we had to let him go from ARN&R. It was a hard decision to make, but we feel that to maintain the high standards set by our reporting staff that termination was in order. This difficult decision was confirmed by the fact that he no longer has White House press credentials, even after asking phenomenally hard-hitting questions, placing him at the pinnacle of American journalism.

We trust that Mr. Guckert will continue to have a successful career as a male prostitute and that this officer in the “Male Corps” will be the best “aggressive, verbal, dominant top” that he can be. We hope your career at MilitaryStud.com is a great one.

Sincerely,

FMB on behalf of the entire ARN&R Staff

S&S Dissed by Rock

Powder Keg, Silver Dollar City's newest roller coaster, was officially unveiled today in a press conference hosted by comedian Chris Rock.

Rock began with some playful jabs at fellow funnyman Yakov Smirnov (who has his own theater nearby), threw out some obligatory goat molestation jokes for the benefit of the locals, and made the bold declaration that he would have preferred to host a coaster opening in the Black Mountains instead of the "Cracker-Ass Mountains."

Barely-toothed Ozarkians then stood gape-mouthed with puzzlement as Rock proclaimed "If you are Silver Dollar City and you want an Intamin launch coaster and all you can get is an S&S... THEN WAIT!!"

Humorless prig Sean Penn later issued a written statement to Rock that indicated, among other things, that S&S was a major United States coaster and thrill ride manufacturing firm, its air-compression technology was exquisite, and that the company was one of our greatest planetary treasures. Reports that Penn referred to Rock as a "mean poopy-head" in the letter could not be verified at press time.

--DH/JCK

Site O' the Weak: Return of the Bleeding Eyes

There are plenty of ways to screw up a major corporate website. One is assaulting potential customers' eyes with ultra-vibrant color schemes and too much animation. Another is to provide useless or misleading information.

Welcome to the website for Mt. Olympus Theme Park.

For the latter problem, look no further than the Park Info section. Although we are assured that this contains "all the info you will need," it actually contains...well, very little info. On one side there are a bunch of topics that look for all the world like they would hyperlink to something useful, but all they do is show little arrows pointing to the location of said topic in the park itself. If you're clicking on "Ticket Centers," you probably want to buy tickets, and don't really care all that much where in the park you go to get some (probably the frickin' front gate) right? In defense of the park, the page does actually list contact phone number and email, and elsewhere on the site one can indeed purchase tickets and get directions...you know, useful stuff. It just seems like this page was pointless.

As for the former, it should be readily evident upon first viewing what the problems are: garish colors and loads of flashy animation screeching out of the computer screen toward you (those of us with DSL are thanking our lucky stars that this loaded with only modest delay...we're pretty sure anyone on dial-up would give up and spend their time elsewhere rather than wait for all this junk to get out of the way, which is not ideal for a website that is selling something). The way the screen boings out in a bouncing little rectangle every time you switch pages is also pretty annoying.

The most annoying thing about this site? The thing that makes this site maybe the most irritating offical amusement park site we've ever seen that doesn't belong to Six Flags? When you view the front page, you then can't use your "Back" button on your browser to return to whatever you were previously reading. What is this, a porn site? Naturally, you can retype whatever you want and navigate the hell away from this gaudy bauble of a website, but it's obnoxious and a waste of time to force visitors to do so. If you want people to buy stuff from you, it's a good idea not to be obnoxious and a waste of time. Unless you are Ann Coulter. It seems to work for her.

If you are a theme park webmaster and don't feel like being the ARN&R Site O' the Week, you have approximately one week to fix it in order to avoid the fate of Mt. Olympus. Sadly, it's already too late for them.

--JCK