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New Park Rumored to be Under Development

A source who asked to remain confidential has forwarded some intriguing information to ARN&R: a new U.S. park appears to be in the later planning stages. The source sent a number of corporate memos and some pre-production artwork from the amusement industry planning company Imaginatrix to support this news.

Groundbreaking should begin on Freelance Classical Musician Land as early as August of this year, with a targeted opening date of Spring, 2007. The information sent to us did not have the location of this planned park, but did provide some tantalizing hints at what it would hold. Amongst the attractions we know are slated for the park, subject to change, are the following:

Revenge of the Musicians: The Decimation

This appears to be a heavily themed Sally dark ride where patrons can shoot at annoying people. For example, killing a target that asks the rider when they plan to get a "real job" will be 100 points; killing one that sees the rider play an exceptionally difficult concerto the best they've ever played it and then says they think "Devil Went Down to Georgia" is harder will be 200 points; and killing one that says Josh Groban is a great musical artist will be 1,000,000,000 points.

Tax Time Stunt Show

In this exciting outdoor stunt venue, park visitors will experience the full fury of tax preparation by simulated classical musicians. Visitors will feel the thrilling agony of spending seventeen full days collecting 12 W-2's, 24 1099's, and bags of miscellaneous checks, teaching fees, and deductions; at the completion of this task, they will either owe money despite making 10,000 dollars the previous year, or, in certain versions of the show, receive a crisp refund check for one dollar from the State of Connecticut. Currently, the show is planned to run the entire seventeen days for "realism," but logistics may force it to a more manageable length.

Extreme Orchestra Management Anal Violator

In this motion simulation attraction, guests will feel what it is like to negotiate a new contract with the management of a regional orchestra. Among the thrills will be points where the management cuts the pay of the musicians while raising the salary of its chief executive by 20,000 dollars; insists on maintaining an attendance policy that allows no missed services, even in the case of repetitive stress injuries or car wrecks; not fixing a faulty door backstage that severed the finger of one musician and slashed another in the face; and telling the musicians, with a straight face, that their group, which pays about 3000 bucks a year and offers no benefits, should be the chief source of the musicians' income and primary place of loyalty, so they really shouldn't be performing with any other groups and wearing themselves out for this one. Practical concerns dictate that this simulator ride not last two full years as in reality, so an alternate plan has the park guests just sitting down and having a gigantic cattle prod rammed up their ass really hard.

Moose Assault

Visitors will board a Toyota Corolla with far too many miles on it already. Simulating the life of a freelance musician, this attraction will force its riders to play 8 AM kiddie concerts in northern Vermont, drive to eastern Connecticut for night rehearsals, and then drive back for the next day's kiddie concerts, every day and night for exactly one week, all in a desperate effort to pay the electric bill on time. During one of the nights, selected at random, the car will be directed, for some unknown reason, by police straight into the exploded remains of a moose that someone else has just hit, spraying chunks of moose bones, brains, entrails, and scrotum all over the Corolla at speeds approaching 70 mph. The moose remains will be specially formulated to smell precisely as if Satan has taken a spicy burrito shit on the car, and several power washings will fail to remove all the red gore from the chassis. As with the previous attraction, the current plan calls for the entire seven-day experience to take place in real time, but it could eventually be scaled back to having patrons sit in a chair and then be beaten with baseball bats and have moose guts blasted into them via air cannon.

--JCK