Ritalin Harpoon Enters Widespread Production
After years of bureaucratic and testing delays, a major new product in child behavior modification has been approved by the FDA for full-scale American production.
The Ritalin Repeating Harpoon, a gargantuan mobile device loaded with over three metric tons of the controversial drug, is expected to be available across the country as soon as early July, though industry experts caution that supplies may be somewhat limited until August or even early September due to the likelihood of consumer demand massively outstripping production speed.
The RRH has been created primarily as a means for amusement park owners to control the unending swarms of obnoxious, hyper little brats from running amok, pushing, destroying, screaming in high pitched voices, smoking, and cutting in line at their venues. It functions by launching foot-long hypodermic harpoons, each laden with a dose of Ritalin equivalent to seventeen standard bottles of the product, at a rate of 234 rounds per second through the modified Vulcan machine gun delivery system.
If the product proves successful at major amusement parks this summer, several pharmaceutical companies are expected to roll out modified versions for malls, schools, and cinemas by next spring.