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Mall of America to Theme Indoor Park to Prince

In a stunning move widely seen as a bellweather for the theme park industry, Bloomington, Minnesota’s Camp Snoopy park has announced they will rename their seven-acre complex Paisley Park and theme it to the life and times of eclectic local has-been Prince.

"He was thrilled to lend his name to a park where he’s tall enough to ride everything," gasped Nader Ghermezian, representing Mall management. "And not only do we save licensing fees, but the costs of re-theming, too. We’ll just grab a crayon, scrawl ‘Slave’ on Snoopy’s right cheek and voila! We’re done!"

"People already yelp my signature high-pitched bitch-squeal on these rides every day," quipped His Purpleness, licking his fingers and touching himself in ways we won’t mention. "Now they can feel even more nauseous listening to my greatest hits in line or combing racks of oddly asexual size 3 clothes in the gift shop. Ahhhh-ooo-OOOOH!"

"Mommy, Mommy! Darling Nikki did WHAT with a magazine?" asked bewildered 7 year-old Josh Jorgensen, waiting for the Billy Jack Bitchsaw roller coaster (formerly known as the Pepsi Ripsaw). "I couldn’t hear the words through your fingers!"

The Park formerly known as Something Else before Being Named after the Artist formerly known as Prince But Now Kinda known as Prince Any Damn Way will start selling Purple tickets 4 U January 19th.

--CO