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Six Flags Moves to Broadway

(ARN&R) -- Six Flags, Inc., the well-known international theme park chain, has just announced it is moving its corporate headquarters to New York City to take advantage of, as Chief Executive Mark Shapiro said, the ability to "promote the brand in a leading center of entertainment, media and finance."

ARN&R today learned that Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, who engineered a takeover of the chain, has been in negotiations with well-known songwriter Stephen Schwartz to bring "Six Flags: The Musical" to Broadway.

Shapiro confirmed this in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "It seemed the perfect time, with Disney owning an entire city block near 42nd Street, to bring true family amusements to life in the most famous theatrical district in the world."

Snyder wrote the libretto for the musical himself, and is purportedly very excited to be working with the legendary Schwartz, who will write the music. The story will revolve around the exploits of a guest at a Six Flags park, played by ESPN commentator Scoop Jackson, who brings his family to spend a fun-filled day only to discover that the Wizard of Burke has taken over the park and populated it with Looney Tunes characters.

Jackson, in a spectacular series of chorus and dance numbers, must challenge the Looney Tunes characters to a battery of Xtreme Sports contests. And as expected, it's a happy ending as all the tired cartoon characters are handily defeated in comically violent ways and replaced by the much-beloved Disney characters. The finale features Jackson waltzing with Goofy to a show-stopping number entitled, "Be a Sport at Six Flags."

The show is expected to be an even bigger smash than their Mr. Six campaign. (In fact, the Wizard of Burke himself will be played by the elder Six Flags representative and will have to fight Jackson in a climactic nunchuck battle.) Shapiro fully expects the Broadway smash to be turned into a flop movie. "We're in New York now," he declared, "and we want to strictly follow the grand tradition of Broadway."

Shapiro noted that, in keeping with current Six Flags policy, all snacks at the concession stand will be double their usual price and once audience members enter the theater they will not be allowed to leave until the very end. Additionally, a sullen teenager will be a seemingly immobile bathroom "attendant" in the theater. "We want to make sure our guest experience is a quality one," he said, holding back a laugh.

--JRD